Hermione POV

I stayed in my room much too late, skipping breakfast after a night of tears. I'd barely slept. Around 11 o'clock, my stomach finally retaliated against my judgment and I gave in to my body's desire to eat. It didn't even occur to me that I had grabbed the book Theo had given me on the way out of my room, until I was standing outside the Great Hall. When I felt it's familiar presence in my hand, I stopped cold and stared at it.

Why am I carrying around this damn thing like some child with a blanket?

I considered spelling it back to my room. Words had found me easily the night before, in the throes of my desire and anger, but I feared that waving my wand without those emotions would be fruitless. I was almost more afraid that every time I had spoken without error had been tied to Malfoy and Theo. I hated the idea that my magic and words would fail without them around, so much so that I didn't even want to test it.

Thankfully, neither of them were present in the Great Hall as I ate an early lunch and the book didn't garner the attention of the 1st and 2nd years who couldn't escape to Hogsmeade on the weekend, since I kept the cover down low, against the table. It was at my favorite part.

Marian sunk deep into the lake, allowing her bare breasts to be covered in the water that had a slightly harsher bite of chill that signaled the beginning of autumn. Soon it would be too cold to venture into the lake at night, to escape away from the prying eyes of court. The lake was abandoned with it being so late in the evening so she didn't have to worry about being caught. Being a princess came with its challenges, so many challenges. She just wanted space of her own.

"Please, William, please."

"Like this? You wish for me to touch you like this?"

The whispered words in the dark drew her eyes to the edge of the pool. She could only just barely make out the silhouettes of the men who had spoken in the moonlight. She sank deeper into the water, hoping her dark hair would keep her hidden.

With great effort, she held in a gasp as she watched one man lean his head on the shoulder of the other. It was affectionate and absolutely scandalous, even more so when she noticed an arm moving between them.

"Excuse me."

I nearly jumped out of my skin at the sound of a small voice. Slamming the book shut, I looked up to see a girl that appeared to be a 1st year- a Ravenclaw with beautiful brown hair and wide, doe eyes.

"You're Hermione Granger, aren't you?" She asked, holding onto a copy of the book Rita Skeeter had published after Voldemort's death. It was a tell all book of the golden trio, a tell all book full of lies. I had to force myself not to rip it out of her hands.

While I shoved Theo's book onto my lap, I gave her a smile and nodded.

I had expected the other students would approach me more after last weekend when I'd opened the quidditch game with Harry and Ron. The older students knew who I was of course, but the youngest ones might not, especially the muggle borns. Now that I had been spoken about by the Headmistress again, the spell she casted to alter their memories after the great feast would shift me back into their attentions. It had been a very specific spell, one that she'd told me about sheepishly, after she'd started mentoring me. The spell had made them weary of me in addition to altering their memories to make everyone believe I had jinxed Malfoy instead of cursed him. Now that the Headmistress had spoken of me again, the wariness would ease away. In the girl's case it had given way to curiosity. Not too surprising for a Ravenclaw, though the gossip book was an odd choice for reading material.

"Will you sign this for me?"

I had signed a lot of items after the war, before I'd locked myself away in Grimmauld Place. It was unnerving. It made me feel cheap and the thought of signing Rita Skeeter's nonsense book truly made me want to vomit. I must have made a face at her question because she started to step back. Was she afraid of me because she thought I jinxed Malfoy? How much worse would it be if she knew the truth, about the terrible person I'd become, a villain by all accounts? I couldn't bare that the small girl could hate me or fear me. I took the book from her, forcing myself to smile wide.

"Of-, of course," I said, coughing to hide my stutter. I signed it as she started talking.

"Can you make it out to Theodora?"

My entire fucking chest seized up- my heart, my lungs. I let out a real cough, trying to get a hold of my breaths as her face came to my mind- Nymphadora.

Don't call me Nymphadora!

How many times had she said that to the older members of the order? Tonks. She was Tonks and she was dead. My eyes darted out of instinct to the spot in the Great Hall where I had last seen her body. All at once, the room was a sea of bodies. I saw them all as they were that night- Fred beneath the crying pile of Weasleys, Tonks and Professor Lupin, Lavender Brown and Colin Creevey. They were all so still and stiff, some of them bloody and covered in dirt from the battle. The memory of them sent me scrambling to my feet. The book Theo gave me dropped from my lap, but I didn't care. I didn't care about anything except escaping the room. I ran for the door, uncaring of anyone looking. I couldn't be in there another moment. My scar burned along with my eyes. I shut them without thought, though my feet kept on moving. I threw open the door of the Great Hall, and continued running until I smacked into something hard and unforgiving in the hallway. I fell to the floor, releasing an 'umph' sound at the impact of stone on my arse.

"Granger! Are you alright?"

His voice. Of course it would be him. Of all the students and professors in the entire school it would have to be him. I opened my eyes, feeling the unmistakable wetness of fresh tears. From the ground, he looked even taller and he was dressed in his quidditch training gear- all blacks and greens. His face was full of concern, his gray eyes dark with it, and a hand came down on my arm as he tried to help me up. My arm was warm where he squeezed it, and I hated that I didn't want to look away, that I liked the fact that he looked so pained.

My entire body lit up in a fire of gold and a tinge of red. How dare he look at me with so much worry? Where was that worry when I was screaming on the floor of that drawing room?

"Get your fucking hand off me, Malfoy!"

He didn't let go, instead he pulled me to my feet by the arm and I ripped myself away from his hold when I had my feet firmly planted on the ground. I rubbed at my scar, ignoring the tears that were leaking out of my eyes.

"Where was all this concern when you ripped open my skin with a knife?" My words sounded sharp and cruel, but I couldn't stop them. Every thought came out without a hint of a stutter. "Do you have no backbone now that the Dark Lord and Aunt Bella aren't here to use you like a puppet? It's always been about you! How is now any different?"

He glowered at me, a familiar look that I'd seen a thousand times over the years. That was better, as it should be. I wanted him to scream, to yell, to be the villain again. I wanted him to despise me because it was so much easier than his desire, than my own desire for his stares and touch.

"You know nothing about what I went through! It wouldn't have just been me they killed! My mother would be dead! Theo would be dead! If I had helped you, do you think they would have let a single person I loved live?"

Love. Theo. Theo's beautiful blue eyes, that wicked smirk, his soft hands and warm lips. I touched my mouth, remembering the taste of him. What would the world be like without him in it? Without watching him suck Malfoy into his mouth or his wicked kisses under my skirt? What would it be like without all his dirty words and needy touches? He was smart and thoughtful and somehow Malfoy's. Why was he Malfoy's? Malfoy continued, uncaring of my spiraling thoughts.

"I didn't know how I felt about you then. You were just a person that vexed me to the point where I couldn't think straight and still it tore me apart to hurt you because even though you irritated me, I wanted you. I still want you and now I don't just want you, I'm lost in you. I would give anything to change it all, because I know I don't deserve you. I don't even deserve Theo, and the worst part is that you deserve each other. I can't even let myself love him properly because I'm not worthy of it! It's just my dumb luck that he's lost in you too and for some fucking reason he can't let me go."

Malfoy would give anything for Theo, he loved him and last night he'd given me him. What did it all mean? That he was lost, that he'd given me someone he loved? I didn't want to know. My anger was lessening with thoughts of Theo and his confession of his love for him, my confusion and worry building in its wake. What space did I have in the middle of love?