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Chapter 5: Connection

Tara rode with Carlisle to the emergency room. When she walked into the hospital, the static in her ears rose to a roar, and she retreated into Carlisle's office.

He returned shortly to let her know that the girl they had saved was going to be fine. He paced the room unspeaking, and finally sat down at his desk with his hands pressed flat against the surface. Slowly, he removed the glasses he wore in an attempt to look older.

He must be furious, she thought. We've potentially exposed the whole family.

The fate of the family wasn't foremost in Tara's mind. She was worried about Bella. She tried to push away the focus that turned inward, like a ravenous mouth gnawing a hole inside her. My blood was tainted. She let the shame hold her silent, until some strength within her fought the words out.

"Why am I so different? Did I infect Bella? She seems so sad since she bit me and what she did last night with that man… it just devastated her."

"I suggest you speak with Edward about the effect you have had on Bella. He knows her better than anyone. I am intrigued with your reaction to the venom, I must admit," Carlisle answered, his face animated.

"Your reaction to the vampire venom supports a theory I have developed from centuries of study." He continued with a scholarly air, "When humans are born, they have over 300 bones, which fuse with age. Taste buds die, skin cells shed and destruction occurs on the cellular level. In essence, we harden. Vampire venom physically freezes us in time."

He paused while Tara absorbed this science lesson before continuing, "Although it alters us physically, the venom does not affect our consciousness. We are damned to eternal starvation for nourishment of our soul's highest need...spiritual connection. My studies of ancient civilizations and indigenous populations have led me to believe that blood contains life force. Feeding on human blood is the easiest way for a brutal young vampire to connect with another living being in a crude approximation of a spiritual connection."

"I can understand wanting a connection, but if drinking blood is about a spiritual need, how were you able to stop before you found your family?"

Carlisle spread his hands and looked down modestly. "I think, perversely, it is because my need for a connection is insatiable. I have always felt the vulnerability and pain of others so acutely. That is why I became a healer. For me, it's impossible not see the humanity in what other vampires consider …" he trailed off.

"Food."

"Precisely. So, on to you… You feel the pain of others too, am I correct?"

"I guess I felt it so strongly that I heard their voices in my ears as a human. Even though I can't understand it, I can never shut it out," Tara answered.

"I believe when vampire venom entered you, it didn't change you in the same way it has done to all others."

"Why not? Is that why I don't need blood?" she asked, puzzled.

"I think you don't need the blood to satisfy you because you connect to everyone in need. When I am with you, I feel a sense of belonging. Everyone does. Surely you have noticed your effect on Jacob?"

Tara sensed the truth in what he said. "I stopped being thirsty when I connected with Jacob…. um…whatever that means." She ducked her head shyly, hoping Carlisle wouldn't ask any questions about Jacob.

Fortunately, he seemed distracted.

"I'd better get back to the ER, they need me. Feel free to take my car back to the house if you like," he offered.

Tara was grateful for her conversation with Carlisle, and she mulled his theory over in her mind as she returned to the Cullen house. It was more pleasant to think that she had a satisfied spiritual need than it was to think she was a freak of nature. Carlisle's explanation did offer a reason as to why her thirst seemed to abate around Jacob.

Jacob. Tara again felt the pull to be with him. He had gone to speak with the pack to resolve issues with a treaty and she had no idea how long he would be gone. The static in her ears was a torment. She hung around the Cullen house, hoping he would come, but finally she reached the point where she couldn't wait around at the house anymore. The forest looked deep and inviting and she tried to flee her inner demons, running carelessly through the trees, snapping branches and startling animals. Finally, she tripped on a tree root and was barely able to catch herself to avoid falling headlong. Supernatural speed, grace and agility can barely bring me up to functional, she thought critically. She continued at a slower pace until she came to a clearing.

Stones surrounded a small fire pit that was rimmed with the barest crust of ashes, leaves were strewn around with no order and a very large knotted rope hammock was strung between two trees. She could hear rushing water nearby. It looked like no one had been there for a long time.

Tara climbed into the hammock, stretching it up so she was sitting, idly pushing it with her foot. The movement reminded her of the porch swing at her house, a lifetime ago. Her physical perceptions were so much different now, but her sense of waiting for something was still strong.

Jacob entered the clearing just as the green-filtered light that trickled through the canopy of leaves overhead began to dim. His bare shoulders drooped slightly and he moved slower than usual. He's tired, she thought.

At the sight of Tara in the hammock, a big smile stretched his handsome face.

"Ah, look what I caught in my net."

"This is your place?" Tara asked.

Everything about Jacob just seems so right. He nodded and moved to stand before her, holding her gently around the waist to stop the swaying of the hammock.

"You look tired," she said.

He shrugged. "I feel better now, but I wouldn't mind taking a load off. Move over and make room."

Before Tara grasped what was happening, Jacob put his huge frame into the hammock, stretching her out with his arm around her. The ropes coiled around them, holding them together. Her face was pressed against his chest and she felt him shake with laughter.

"I can't see your face, but I know you are blushing."

Embarrassed… and blushing, Tara tried to lever her elbow off his hard chest without hurting him. She was very mindful of her strength after what she had seen Bella do last night.

"Relax…I'm harmless," Jacob said with laughter in his voice.

You so clearly are NOT harmless, Tara thought.

"Um… I'm trying not to hurt you," she said, managing to get up on her elbow to look into his face.

Jacob gave her a slow grin and then lazily stretched his full length, further tightening the hammock around both of them. "OK, tough girl, do your worst." He laughed out loud, and then he sobered. "Just don't bite me. Not cool."

"What do you mean?"

"Vampire venom is no good for me."

"Even mine? Carlisle seems to think I'm different."

Jacob gave her a wary but interested look. "Well, Nessie… ah that's Edward and Bella's daughter… she used to bite me all the time when she was a baby… but she was half human. Considering vampire venom is deadly in my bloodstream, I'd rather you practice on another wolf."

Tara's head was full of the scent of Jacob and she felt a pull towards him and a prick of thirst in her throat. Suddenly a terror of hurting him overcame her. She dug her elbow a little harder. "Jacob, let me up. I need to get away from you."

He wrapped his arms more closely around her. "I don't want you to."

"What if I hurt you? Seriously, let me go." Panic was rising. She knew she could rip the hammock to shreds, but she was trying to keep her head. She spoke in an even tone, "You might not be worried about your skin, but I am."

Jacob didn't loosen his arms one bit. His eyes were speculative and heat was shimmering off of him.

"I appreciate your concern, but I just thought of a little experiment. It's perfectly safe. I'm sure there is no way either of us could get hurt." His voice deepened persuasively as he spoke.

He slid the fingers of one hand through the strands of her long hair and then cupped her cheek in a caress that captured her, making her feel fragile and delicate. The touch was gentle as he stroked her cheekbone with his thumb, turning her face up to him. There was absolutely nothing in her world but this moment, this man, as they looked into each other's eyes.

He pulled her mouth to his in a gentle first kiss that begged to be deepened. Her arms slid around his neck. With eyes closed, she gave herself over to the sensations from his mouth, his body against hers, and his arms that were now wrapping around her, holding her gently, as if she would break.

The kiss was cautious at first and then it deepened. She felt a jolt like a defibrillator sending electricity to her chest. She imagined that her still heart expanded and contracted beneath her ribs.

With a low moan she broke the kiss, burying her head in his chest as he stroked and kissed her hair, still holding her close. She could feel his chest rise and fall and the swift movement of his heart under her ear. Her hands were trembling as her arms wrapped around him to pull him tight into a quick hug and waves of sensation flowed over her, but Tara couldn't stay away from his kiss for long.

She again lifted her mouth to his, desperate to taste him. She forced herself to keep the kiss slow even though she wanted to devour him. The time was too precious to rush. Sweet shockwaves pushed through her, sweeping down to her toes and settling in at her core.

Their mouths opened and his tongue deliberately and gently slid along her lower lip, playing with her. Instinctively she pressed closer to him so he could slide his tongue into her slightly parted lips. At first Jacob just touched the tip of his tongue to hers and slid it back and forth, then he pushed deeper. Tara responded, enjoying the feeling of him stroking inside her mouth.

Suddenly, Jacob stilled himself and Tara pulled back, gently stroking his face and pushing back his hair. His eyes were shut and he lay perfectly still. Tara could still feel the ripples of electricity flowing through her from his kiss. Jacob lay so quietly that Tara began to be concerned. His eyelids fluttered and he let out a dramatic moan, and then his eyes opened fully and he gave her a self-satisfied smile. Tara went limp with relief and dropped her head to his chest. Hard. She kept her head there, emotions warring within her.

"Tara, look at me," he commanded gently.

She looked into his face and saw the joy etched in every plane. He was exultant.

"I knew you could never be bad for me."

"So I'm not poison?" Deep within her, she felt she was not worthy of this amazing and beautiful man, but his joy was contagious and it dissolved her defenses. The sun rose in her heart.

He looked at her tenderly and gently brushed a curl back, tucking it behind her ear. The joking, boyish Jacob was gone and he spoke with a deep certainty as he drew Tara closer to him, to the place where she belonged.

"No….. Not poison. I'm only at peace when you are with me. You touch a place inside me deeper than my own self. You are my salvation."

He shuddered slightly in her arms, disbelieving that he had the courage to say those words to her, yet somehow fearless. He was so sure of her.

Jacob felt he had found a new reason for continuing the struggle that is life. He had been on the fringe of the deeply loving relationships all around him and through the shared mind of the pack, he had experienced those joys nearly first-hand. Yet, he was not the one that was chosen. He bitterly remembered how he had clung to Nessie to find his purpose in the hope that he had found a soul-mate.

After Nessie left, Jacob had hung around, not sure of his place. Bella had asked him to watch Tara from afar for the last few months. I think she was just finding a job for me to do, he thought. From the first time he saw Tara, he had felt that she was a kindred spirit. It wasn't just her beauty and her kindness; it was the way she too was in the world but not a part of it. The walls she had built to defend herself were the same ones he had constructed in his own mind, all while playing the part of the helpful friend.

When he looked into her eyes, his barriers were stripped away. I have to try, he thought. Or soon there won't be anything left of me to give. Jacob held Tara gently in his arms and he let himself hope for something more.