Hermione POV
There was too much to process, too many thoughts in my brain to stay in their presence. I needed space and as soon as Theo pulled Malfoy back, I took it. I hadn't leave without agreeing to meet them the next day though. There was no escaping them entirely anyway. I already knew that when I asked to change partners and again when I performed that spell to make me bare and protect my body. Sex was different though. Sex was sex. Pink was…well, pink was too much. Everything was too much and when I was naked in around them, I found it hard to care. At least I still had my dignity. Malfoy hadn't fucked me. I hadn't completely lost my will. If I hadn't seen that pink magic would I…no, I wouldn't. I was better than that. That was a line that I couldn't cross.
Between thoughts of pink and the terrible things I'd seen and felt, my magic quickly shifted when I was free of them. My body was a flood of gold and green. My chest felt tight, my brain was racing. I needed fresh air, I needed the cold of a Scottish November night, space away from watching eyes, and something to clear my mind. It was still early. The gates were open, the curfew for the older students wasn't for another hour.
At first the air felt nice, the cold shocked my system into survival mode. I couldn't think of them if I was freezing, but the closer I got to the gate, the more it started to hurt. I apparated to Hog's Head the moment I was on the other side. The Hog's Head was one of the few places that I knew wouldn't have any students. It occurred to me when I landed in the warm bar that they carried the harder stuff too- firewhisky, wankavodka, and even frostrum. I'd never tried frostrum. The thoughts were already creeping back in from the loss of the cold, and the quicker I could shut off everything, the better. The chill of the liquor might help.
I opened a tab with a magical contract to make payment within 24 hours. I'd left in such a rush that I hadn't grabbed money. I wasted no time, ordering four shots of frostrum, stuttering through my request. The alcohol went down like ice, and made my entire body shiver. Silence. My brain went so blissfully silent. I tried to order more, but a hand reached out to stop the bartender's pour, and a voice from the past spoke.
"How about you wait to see how those hit you first?"
Aberforth. He looked much the same as he had the last time I'd seen him. Granted, he'd looked ancient two years ago so time hadn't made a difference.
"Good evening, Ms. Granger."
I nodded in greeting and he handed me a glass of water before he turned away from the bar. I took a sip and laid my head on my arms, embracing the cold and silence. Shutting my eyes was a bad move. It just gave the images a chance to cement themselves, for the thoughts that I had been shoving off to come forward full force.
I'd felt things that I never expected to feel- the pain of an abusive parent, the death of a mother at a young age, the verbal abuse of a father, and the inability to change anything in the face of evil. Before the war, I'd always suspected that bullies like Malfoy were broken and stained, even when I stood on the opposite side of their taunts and pain. During the war and after it had been easier to lump them in with the evil dark wizards that felt nothing except the need for power. It wasn't so simple now. I understood. I understood the choices they both had been faced with, and the black and white lines had become muddy gray again. The scar on my arm pressed against my face, I could feel the raised skin on my forehead. The person who wrote the word there had been forced, but it was still there. The understanding didn't change it's existence, it didn't erase the pain I'd felt from the crucio and knife.
"Hermione?"
Damn it…fucking Aberforth! I lifted my head a bit too fast and my vision did a slight spin before I focused on Harry in the seat next to mine. He had one of the coins from The Order in his hand. It clinked when he placed his hand on the bar.
"Go home, Harry," I said, surprised by the venom in my voice and how steady my words were. The magic on my skin was gone too. Oh yeah…I'd read something once about the effects of alcohol on magic. Yay for Alcohol, I guess. "Woo…alcohol!"
Harry looked at me funny, like he was trying to hide a smile. Had I said that out loud? Everything suddenly felt fuzzy and warm. How long had I been sitting at the bar? I checked the clock. Fuck. It was past curfew. I really sucked at keeping my damn focus these days. Stupid Malfoy. Stupid Theo. Stupid big dick dumb boys. I giggled and Harry chuckled in reply.
"I don't think I've ever seen you this drunk," he said. Probably because the most I'd ever drank was a few butterbeers and maybe a single shot of firewhisky. I'd always been the most behaved at Gryffindor parties and I didn't exactly have a desire for parties after the war. He shoved the water glass into my face. "Drink."
I took three giant gulps from the glass, draining it. He signaled for Aberforth to bring me another one.
"You should be at home with Ginny."
"I'm exactly where I should be," he replied. Oh, Harry…he really was a good friend. Why was I such a shitty one in return? "Now, are you going to tell me why you felt the need to get pissed?"
I couldn't think of an answer that didn't involve a lie. It wasn't fair to Harry. Nothing had ever really been fair to Harry. His parents were murdered, the Dursley's treated him worse than a dog, Dumbledore abused his naivety and left him in the dark, Snape was an arsehat…Snape.
"You saw into Snape's memories when he was training you in occlumency, right?" He gave a confused nod of agreement, watching his head bob made me sort of dizzy, but I barreled on. "Do you think Snape was ever really good? Like do you think he would have helped Dumbledore if it wasn't for Lily?"
"Wow…um." He cleared his throat, rubbing the back of his neck. "I don't know. From the bits I saw, he didn't have the best time in life. My mother was really the catalyst for his change of heart, but after her death he could have stopped helping Dumbledore and he didn't."
"So was his love for Lily his only redeeming quality?"
"More or less," he said, "What does Snape have to do with you getting pissed?"
Nothing. Absolutely nothing, but Snape's predicament was as close as I could get to talking about Malfoy.
"Is it enough?" Harry just looked confused. I wasn't making any sense to him, but drunk Hermione didn't care. "Love. Is it enough to earn forgiveness? Is it a good enough reason to do bad things if you're doing it to protect someone you love?"
My words came out slurred and hurried.
"I don't know. I think that's up for each person to decide, but I guess it's probably the only good reason. I mean, I would do anything for Ginny."
He looked serious, he sounded serious, but did he mean that? Anything…would he kill for her…torture for her? He couldn't understand that without feeling it, without experiencing it the way I had in those memories. Malfoy had made that decision, had turned himself into a shell because of it, had gone to Azkaban for it, had ripped a knife into my skin to keep Theo and his mother safe. All of that despite the fact that he wanted me, coveted me. Now he didn't just want me, he begged for forgiveness while his skin turned pink.
My stomach turned suddenly on the alcohol. I felt it creeping up the back of my throat, ice cold. Fuck. I got up and ran for the loo, leaning over the toilet to spill the contents of my stomach. A hand found my hair and scooped it up to hold.
"You're in the girl's lavatory," I said, knowing it was Harry.
"Not the first time in my life, if you recall."
That made me laugh before a second stream of vomit pushed forward. I felt a million times better after the fourth heave. I wiped my mouth and used a spell that left a minty taste on my tongue and my hands clean. I was suddenly tired. I wasn't going to find answers from Harry, not without telling him everything and I wasn't ready. Plus, most of it wasn't my story to tell.
"I want to go to bed," I said, as we walked towards the bar. Harry slapped a galleon onto it, eliminating my magical contract, and made me sip on the second glass of water. He waved away my attempts to thank him and apparated me to the edge of the school when he was able to confirm I wasn't going to throw up again.
The gate was closed, but there were benefits to being an Auror. He swiped a wand and the gate opened. I hugged him to me, breathing deep in his arms. I wished that I could tell him more, I wished that he could really know everything so I told him the only thing I could.
"I'm sorry I'm such a shitty friend."
"You're not. You never were and you never will be." The rumble of his chest against mine made my heart swell. "You've saved me countless times, Hermione. This is just me returning the favor."
I gave him a final squeeze before I pulled away and I bet if my magic was working, I would be pastel pink. I'd always loved Harry as a brother and I felt it so deeply in that moment. I was wrong before when I thought I didn't need him just because he didn't need me.
I walked a little wobbly through the gate and he shut it behind me, locking it in place.
"When I'm out for holiday, do you want to meet for a drink?" I asked.
"Only if it's tea or butterbeer. I don't fancy holding back your hair again. Though it is nice to have you talking to me, might be worth the trade off."
He smiled, adjusting his glasses, and I just shook my head.
"Night, Hermione."
I gave him a wave before he apparated away.
Even with the help of the alcohol, I slept terribly. I had strange dreams about pink magic scraping against me, digging while unable to penetrate. I felt the agony around me in the dream the same way I had felt that sticky tar around his thoughts in Malfoy's memory. I was covered in a layer of green when I woke up around three in the morning. I cursed at the sight of it. Feeling it was hard enough, I didn't need a visual representation of that particular emotion. I also didn't need a reminder of my bad choices. My head was pounding. I gave up on falling back asleep after I nursed the headache with a potion. I tried to read instead. The book Theo gave me was basically memorized, but it was a comfort all the same. It was also a simple way to forget myself, to forget everything, to become empty for a while. When my alarm sounded, pulling me from the fictional world, I released a deep groan of disappointment.
Thankfully, the empty feeling kept on when I walked through the castle. It was quiet, which was normal at 7 in the morning on a Saturday. The only sounds were the birds chirping and the deep bellowing of a string instrument being played in the distance. There was at least one student too dedicated to music to bother with sleeping in. It wasn't the first time I had heard the music. I often heard it on my way to detention. It was the first time, however, that I felt compelled to follow it and had time to do so. I didn't have to meet Filch until 7:30.
The source of the sound was easy to find. It practically echoed on the stone walls, and the closer I got, the more the music touched me. That empty feeling turned into contentment. I wanted to sway with the sweet sounding music, cover myself in it like a heavy blanket. I didn't pause at the doorway into the room, didn't bother to look. My body followed the music without thought.
"Theo."
His name came out in a whisper. I doubted he could hear me, but he looked up anyway, the music stopping when he made eye contact with me. His hair was messy with sleep, his eyes were practically glowing electric blue in a sliver of sunlight that streamed through a window. He looked more beautiful than anyone had the right to look so early and he was seeping pink.
"Hermione."
He placed the large instrument in its case.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you. I'm just on my way to detention and I heard the music and-" I was rambling and I forced myself to stop. "Where's Malfoy?"
That pink sparked and Theo smirked, swiping his hair back from his face.
"Asleep. I usually get up early to play. Sometimes he'll get up and join me or go to the Quidditch pitch, but I believe we tired him out last night."
Merlin…his response brought a clear image from the night before. I could remember exactly what it felt like to have Malfoy's head between my legs, what Malfoy looked like as Theo was fucking him, the sounds he made when he came on me.
"Problem, Love?" Theo asked, looking me up and down.
Confused, I looked at myself. My skin was flecking with red magic. Shite. That was going to get really fucking annoying. At least there were sparks of red on him too, mixed in with his pink aura.
The gold seeped from my skin just as a chime from the clock in the room reminded me of the time. It was already 7:15.
"Malfoy and I will be in the library when you're done with detention. I've got some notes on the veritaserum potion and he told me late last night that he may have an idea where we might find information on all of this." He gestured towards himself, towards the colors.
The old Hermione would have been more prepared, would have already thought about the assignment and the weird magic. The fact that they were so prepared and I wasn't made me kind of angry.
More gold, less red.
"Right, good, I'm glad," I said.
"What part of that could possibly have made you angry?" he asked, standing from the chair. I should have known he would call me out on my response.
I shook my head.
"How many times do I have to tell you to stop lying to me?" He asked, the words coming out calm even as gold took over every color on his skin.
Finally! It felt good to know that he was mad for once, to see it so clearly. All he had done since his visit to the infirmary was drive us all closer and closer together. Now we were so close that I was questioning everything. It was better if he was angry. I wanted to make him more angry.
"You shouldn't be able to tell that I'm lying! And I shouldn't be lusting after you or Malfoy. It's not just lust either and you know it! You two are pushing it. We are fucking. I don't want…I can't give you anything else!"
He looked completely unaffected by my words. In fact, he stepped toward me, determined and demanding. I could have stepped back if my damn feet would move. They didn't, I couldn't. He was so close, close enough that I had to look up at him, close enough that he was able to press a hand to my cheek.
"You're not the first person to tell me that," he said, his breath warm on my face. It smelled minty and inviting. He was red again with just a touch of pink.
Such pretty eyes, and lips that I knew were soft. I wanted to kiss him, and the fact that he knew it made me all the more angry. I reached up and gripped his hand, pulling it off my face.
"Ugh! I'm serious, Theo. I can't love him! I can't love anyone! I don't even love myself."
He winced. It was true. I didn't love myself. I didn't even like myself and no matter how brave I tried to be, I couldn't find the old me. All that was left was sadness, anger, and desire. Of course, the desire was really just a desperate need to escape like I did with that damn book and frostrum.
"But you want to keep fucking us." It was a statement, not a question. I nodded anyway. "Okay."
Okay? Okay?! What did that even mean? He answered my silent question.
"We can't change how we feel so if you want us, you're going to have to settle for the rest of it."
A sound drew my attention to the door. Malfoy stood in the doorway, looking surprised to see me, pink and red mingling when he noticed Theo and I so close. That was my cue to leave. I couldn't be late for detention and I didn't trust myself around the two of them. All that pink was going to drive me mad. I slid past him and to his credit, he sidestepped my golden body.
Filch made me polish for a solid three hours. I could still smell the polish on my hands even after my shower. It was probably permeated into my nose. As time crept farther away from ten and closer to eleven, I found myself in a strange mix of excitement and anxiety. I'd had a lot of time to think about what Theo had said. It wasn't my job to tell Malfoy and Theo how they should feel. I wanted them. Maybe not in the same way that they wanted me, but it was still want and hours of thought had made me okay with accepting that. I walked into the library with a decision made. I was going to lay ground rules, make it all clear and precise. Sex was on the table for me. That was all I was offering. Well, sex and partnership for the veritaserum project.
There couldn't be anything else.