Thank you to those who are reading, it means a lot!
I'm currently fighting with because i've not managed to get my head around how to work it.
I know this isn't perfect but it's my first attempt ever!
Once again - my beta, Lauren, owns me. This is all thanks to her :')
Enjoy!
It had been a year to the day since her and Edward first slept together, even if she knew today meant nothing to him it meant everything to her. She ran her fingers down the sides of Edwards face as he lay asleep next to her, tracing them round his perfectly sculpted jaw. She remembered leaning over to kiss his neck, the ticklish sensation awoke him as his eyes slowly opened smiling at Bella. She moved over and kissed him on the lips, she felt his hands move down her back onto her hips as her pulled her in close. She carried on kissing him as she slipped her tongue into his mouth, massaging his as she ran her fingers thorough his hair. They rarely kissed; kissing made this whole thing more personal. Without kissing this was mindless sex a release, and with kisses it was something else something meaningful.
Bella pulled her mouth away from Edwards and kissed his cheek. She took a deep breath, she was about to tell him something that had the potential to ruin their friendship forever. "I love you Edward" she whispered coyly. "I love you to Bells" he replied nudging her in the side; "Your my best friend of course I love you". She knew it; she knew he'd get the wrong impression. She could have just kept her mouth shut, in fact she should have done; but she had to ruin it all for herself. "No, I'm IN love with you" she emphasised. Edward froze, the blank impression on his face showed that he was beyond confused. He quickly shot up from the bed, grabbed his clothes and was making his way out of the door before Bella could put together the pieces of what happened. He had said nothing, he'd shown no emotion, he just left.
Bella closed her eyes, she had hoped that this was all a dream; she wanted to open her eyes and see Edwards gorgeous face smiling at her. She hesitated before slowly forcing her eyes open; She had somehow convinced herself he would be there, no surprises, he wasn't. She could feel her eyes filling up with tears as a lone tear trickled down her cheek and landed on her soft white pillow. Bella forced her eyes shut, brought her knees to her stomach and sobbed.
An hour later she awoke, her face stained with tears. Her phone vibrated on the bedside table, giving her a mini heart attack in the process. As she grabbed it her heart started beating faster as she desperately hoped to see a text from Edward flashing on the screen. Much to her disappointment she saw a text from Charlie, "Hey bells, staying to watch the game and have a few beers with Billy. There's money for you to order pizza in the cupboard. Don't wait up. Dad" it read. Ever since her mum shipped her off to forks when she was thirteen, her relationship with Charlie had been pretty much nonexistent. She always turned to Edward when she needed help never her Dad. "Yeah, right, Dad" She mumbled as she threw her phone to the end of the bed. Even though she was glad she was home alone tonight, she secretly wished her dad cared a bit more. Tonight though, she could do what she wanted.
Looking back now, she knew what she did now was stupid but at the time she felt worthless. Everyone knew Bella was gorgeous; everyone except herself, no matter what she could always find a flaw in herself. She hated herself, she always had; nobody else loved her so why should she? Her mother didn't love her; her dad didn't love her and now, neither did Edward. To Bella this was her cue to change. She was going to change everything she hated about herself, with the hope that maybe then someone would love her. She spent the next hour writing down every little flaw she saw in herself, with tears constantly dropping onto the paper she slowly started to realise that maybe this wasn't the best idea.
As a week passed Bella kept herself to herself she hardly saw anyone. She'd go to work at the diner with a fake smile on her face pretending everything was okay, even if she was dying inside. She'd instantly break down into tears as soon as she was in the privacy of her truck every night, she couldn't keep this act up for much longer and she knew it. Every night she'd drive blurry eyed past Edwards house with the glimmer of hope that one day he'd be there and that she'd see him. She never did, as the weeks passed he was nowhere to be seen. He didn't answer her texts, when she called it went straight to voicemail. Either Edward had disappeared, which seems highly unlikely, or he was ignoring her completely.
Bella was a strong person, she never let anything bring her down and she would definitely never let anyone see her upset; hell she never let anyone in. Anyone accept Edward. That was what hurt her the most, the boy she had trusted more than anyone in her life had just disappeared. Just gone, with no goodbye; no warning. All because of what she had said that night. It was safe to say she hated herself more than ever.
That was the final straw for Bella; she couldn't physically cope with the pain anymore. She needed a release, and she turned to the only way she knew how. Much to her delight she got home from work that night to find Charlie had gone over to Billy's' yet again. She knew exactly what it was she was going to do, if she was honest she had been thinking of doing it for a while. She headed straight into the bathroom, as she rummaged around in all the cupboards she finally found what she was looking for. She slowly pulled out one of Charlie's razor blades and as she twirled it in her fingers her eyes filled with tears as she remembered the last time she had been in this same position. She knew it didn't help her then; and it probably wasn't going to help her now but it was the only way she knew could calm her down. It could give her that release, everything she hated about herself would disappear even if it was only for a few minutes.
She pulled the bolt across the bathroom door and wiped the stray tears from her face, as she slid down the door. As she sat down she pulled her knees towards her chest. "This is it" she murmured.