Jane Shepard
I stared at the data pads for hours. I didn't want to sleep just yet; I'd missed two years already. It's time to catch up on some things.
Navigator Presley, Ensign Polermo, Petty Officer Giles, Corporal Jenkins . . . I needed to remember all these names. Jane needed to memorize them so that I would never stop pushing myself for their sake, as well as my own. I need to add their names to the growing list I keep. Everyone who died on Akuze. Everyone who died on the Normandy. Kaidan. Add to the list that Garrus was among the missing, and it was enough to break Jane's heart, the frail little flower.
"Whatever, your heart brakes at a stiff breeze."
A little compassion might do you some good.
"And it might make me like you. Then where would we be?"
We'd be with Kaidan.
"We'd be up to our asses in Collectors, and we'd be dead."
I still don't see why that's so bad.
"I don't know why I ever let myself become so attached to that whining bucket of angst," snapped Shepard.
I loved him. He's the only person I trusted enough to come out for. He's the only person after Mindoir who got to call me by my name.
"As if that's worth anything. The less out of you, the better. I turned my thoughts back to the list.
Knowing Garrus, it was as likely as anything that he'd resigned from his Spectre training mostly to get away temporarily. His father probably pushed at him, telling him how he'd failed even that, and told him how much of a disgrace he was. Then, who knows? Maybe he got himself so drunk that he went off and died. There was no information, just a trail that had long since gone cold.
At least I knew were the rest of the living crew were. I would probably be better off without them. There's no need to go opening old wounds in myself and let Jane run amok with friends. Plus, I sure as hell know they're better off without me.
Garrus. Fuck, Garrus, I thought you were going to get your act together and start again. You were going to be a Spectre, like me, and he'd be there to watch my back. Dammit, Garrus, where did you go?
"What made you decide to join C-Sec?" I ask. His mandibles contract ever so slightly. I wonder what that means. Confusion perhaps?
"My father." Garrus's replies are terse, as always. He tries to be all business, no play, but I can see through that. He's another rookie, and young recruit eager and excitable. If I get him onto the topic of Saren, he'll spill the beans. But he won't open up, which is all I want the crew to do. Open up, rely on each other. We're going to need trust if we're going to make it through this. So I need to press on.
"Your father was in C-Sec, then?"
"He's still there. Legendary. I joined up because I believed in justice, and because I wanted to make him proud." There's something missing from that response. Even if I have no idea how to read Turian body language, I still know there's something missing there.
"But you had to live in his shadow, and no one could live up to that," I finish his statement. His eyes widen a fraction, and is mandibles contract again. I'd guess that was surprise. Damn, I need to learn how to read aliens better.
"Yeah. Nothing could make my father proud of me. Either I was exceptional, which was expected, or I was average, which was a disappointment. Or I was a disappointment, which was shameful. After joining up with a council Spectre, I think I'll forever be in that last category." He's beginning to loosen up. That's good. I knew he couldn't hold onto the tough kid act long. Now if only I knew how to deal with Wrex.
"Wouldn't your father be proud that you're going to take out such an infamous big bad as Saren?"I ask with humor in my tone. Who wouldn't be proud? That's not just exceptional, that's amazing.
"No." I kinda hope that Garrus is having as much trouble reading my face as I'm having reading his, but I doubt it after all those years in the citadel. "My father's a C-Sec man through and through. If you can't take him down the right way, don't do it at all." His mandibles flare at that, then retract just as fast. Without a doubt, I recognize that as anger.
"I'm guessing you don't agree with your father on that."
"It shouldn't matter how justice is served, as long as it gets done instead of letting scum like Saren walk around free."
"It should matter how it gets done," I hear Jane say to him. "Because mercy is something that makes justice worth having."
Garrus straightens up. I think he's studying my face, looking for some clue as to what that means. I'll bite.
"The Batarians think we wronged them, right? I mean, humans." Oh, that was embarrassing. I didn't mean to talk about him like he's Human, not turian. "They see anything they do to Humans as justice. But it's not. It's cruelty."
This time Garrus slumps. He's clearly thinking about what I said. "That's . . . I never thought of it that way. Thanks, Shepard."
But that wasn't Shepard. That was Jane.
…
The stench of Omega assaulted my senses. It filled my brain with yet more visions and memories. I surrendered to Shepard this time, and didn't even try to resist them. With Shepard in control they didn't seem to come at all. Instead, I was to listen to Jane begrudging Shepard's every action. My every action.
"Who cares what you think,I said aloud to her. "You've never done anything useful a day in your life."
"Excuse me?"
"Miranda, when I'm talking to you, I'll be clear about it," I snapped.
You care what I think, Shepard. You always have. That's the only reason you're here, and you know it.
I felt the urge to punch that damned mirror again. Fiercely. I still haven't had it replaced. I think I'll keep it broken, and a reminder that Jane is broken beyond repair. She's a relic from a time passed. She wants to trust people like Jacob and Miranda, just because she doesn't want to watch her back. She wants someone at her six. But she can't have that. I need to watch my own back. My team dissolved and died long ago, and I'm not making a new one for her. Shepard won't waste time on something like that. I was here for three things, and three things only. This time I wouldn't get suckered into everyone's problems. I got Zaeed Massani, I would get Solus, I would get Archangel, and I would get the fuck off this terrible station.
But, of course, it's never that simple. I had to jump through the hoops of this ego case queen of Omega, her head filled with flattery for herself and narcissism. I didn't want to deal with Aria T'Loak, but I especially didn't want to have to share any more words with her Batarian lackey. So I listened to her one rule, and I listened to her masturbatory speeches, and I sat patiently until she was ready to be done talking. Then I asked her to tell me where Solus and Archangel were, and I had to sit through more of her solipsistic musings. I silently thanked the spirits that not all Asari were like her, with an extra emphasis on Liara not having been like her.
When finally I was allowed to leave, I bristled with rage and picked up Zaeed and Jacob. Having Miranda with me just annoyed me too much. Jane didn't care for her. Shepard hated her for her lack of discipline, and lack of proper attire.
"This is a military operation, not an excuse to dress up as a slutty soccer ball. Get some proper armor, or stay the hell on the ship," I'd told her. Besides, tactically we didn't need to have two biotics in the squad. We only would have gotten in each others' way.
As I walked to the quarantine zone to pick up the scientist, I glanced over the dossiers on my omni-tool.
I stopped dead in my tracks. Zaeed and Jacob knew enough not to inquire about what was wrong, even though I could feel them exchanging confused looks behind me.
Archangel. Turian sniper, has squad leading experience, made a mess of the entire Omega mercenary scene, and getting hunted down and killed probably right about now, according to Aria. Shepard liked his style. And I realized that he probably was a little more time critical than Mordin Solus. Besides, something about the name Archangel seemed strangely auspicious.
…
"So what made you decide on the military life?" Garrus inquired over the din of the mess hall. It's only fair, I asked him the same thing a while ago.
"I got rescued by an Alliance strike team when I was seventeen. I joined up to get away from the fact that I had nothing to leave behind," I say. I'm being surprisingly candid, but then again, he did ask.
"Did you ever want to be something different? I always think that if the turian military wasn't mandatory for citizenship, I might have gone a different route," he says with what, by this time I know to be the turian equivalent of a smile.
"Well, I was a little girl at one point. I wanted to be a ballerina," I joke. The truth is, Jane wanted to be a musician. A cellist. Shepard wasn't vocal enough back then, I don't know what she wanted.
"I have a hard time picturing you in pink," laughs Garrus, with no small amount of humor.
"What do you think you might have been if you weren't military?" I ask, sitting down to eat my food. Garrus' food smells weird, a little like the ocean. And I don't mean, 'oh, what a beautiful poetic thing,' I mean it smelled like saltwater and rotting fish. But not in a bad way, exactly, that's just the closest description of I have.
He takes a hearty bite of it. I'm glad my food is red, not aqua.
"I think I would have done pretty much the same thing I did, I would just have done it with less of a spine. Pressures from my father, and all. I never really made up my mind about what I wanted to be."
"Well, you haven't done too badly for yourself, all things considered," I smile at him, helping myself to my spaghetti.
He smiles back. "Not bad at all," he agrees.
…
It wasn't hard to sabotage the mercs' gear, and infiltrate their ranks. Even Jane didn't had a problem with any of it other than having to interact with the fucking Bararians. There were times when my heart rate threatened to climb. There were times when I could feel the threat of panic rise in my throat. But I fought them down hard, and managed to keep my head. It was just like Miranda had said, the side effects would wear off after some sleep. I was already beginning to feel better, and more in control of myself. If nothing else, that made me more annoyed at Miranda. She was almost always right.
Still, I didn't like my chances on that bridge. It was very nicely fortified. Archangel knew what he was doing, choosing this location. And from the rate at which freelancers were apparently disappearing, I didn't want to cross it even one bit. But what was the worst that could happen? I die? Woopty-friggin' doo. I'd take Jacob and Zaeed with me. As far as I was concerned, they were already damned, though, so it didn't matter.
I launched myself over the divider.
I have to get under cover now, and hide myself. There are gun shots and explosion everywhere. Panic is rising in my veins, and bile in my throat. I have to bite it down. I have to get to cover.
"Jane! Help me!" Oh God, that scream could chill the bones of anyone with an ounce of sympathy in them. I'm frozen in place. Jesse's blood is everywhere.
I shot two mercs in the back, with no small amount of satisfaction. They went down easily to the force of my pistil.
I need to be quiet, or they'll hear me. I need to need to be still or they'll see me. The moans from the ugly fish-faced monsters are loud, deep and guttural in stark contrast to Jesse's screams and cries for help. She knows where I'm hidden. She's looking right at me. Thank God they're not paying attention to her. Thank God they're not paying attention to me.
It's like some crazy orchestra. The steady beat of mortars going off in all direction. The wind section of a girl being raped. The soliers themselves are the brass, booming commands, and groaning, and laughing as their prey goes down. The string section are the carrying cries from mother to daughter, from friend to friend as everyone tries to escape even though they're encircled. And underneath is all is the percussion of my heart drumming so loudly it's nearly drowning everything else out.
Other than the focus on Jesse.
I took a shot to the chest and went down. I laid there a moment, wondering why the world wasn't going black. Mercs ran past me, and Jacob dragged me into cover, screaming at me to wake up. I couldn't hear him over the ringing in my ears.
My mouth is covered, and I can't see who has me. I panic, I try to scream but it's stifled by a gloved hand. I bite, I kick, I swing wildly trying to get away, but nothing loosens the grip. Finally I relax. If there's nothing I can do, there's nothing I can do.
The hand holding me is trembling violently. I turn my head to look at my captor for the first time.
A young Human man, thinly covered in sweat, trembling, frightened, donned in an Alliance uniform. He looks a me.
"Shh," he says as soothingly as he can be expected to be, given the circumstances. "There's an extraction ship that way, but you need to be quiet, and go as fast as you can,he says. I nod violently and without hesitation. I just need to get away. I need to get out.
"Pull yourself together, it's just a concussive round! I'm not going down so easily,Shepard said, as much to Jane as to Jacob. "By the spirits, this guy's no slouch. I'm lucky he seems to like me."
"Like you?" spat Jacob. "The man just shot at you!" I grinned.
"And I'm still alive. Can anyone else here say the same?" Jacob's brow furrowed. Well, some people are just no good about taking a bullet or a joke. Luckily, I wasn't one of those people. Archangel seemed like he might be all right in Shepard's book.
"Let's get moving, no sense waiting around," I said, pulling back out of cover and gunning down a few more mercs on the way. The concussive shot was unmistakeably Archangel's way of saying "Sure, come on in. It's a bit of the mess at the moment, but I'm sure you'll forgive me."
I wait in the shuttle, trembling, wishing I knew where my parents were. Surely they'd gotten out? Surely? It feels like hours, years creep by as we wait for other survivors. When the shuttle is full enough, the Lieutenant who saved me jumps aboard, and the pilot takes off.
I look out the window. The town I've known all my life is shattered, completely unrecognizable.
I look at Lieutenant Zabaleta, the man who sent me off to the shuttle. He gave me a chance to go on dispute the town. To get to stay with some of my old life, instead of being a slave to the Batarians. I can't say no. But I'll never be this weak again. Anyone who can get ripped away so easily doesn't get to get that close to me ever again.
I look at Archangel. Archangel, who so used to be Garrus, but there's something intrinsically different about him. He's like Mindoir. I can't recognize him.
But he's like Zabaleta. He's a connection to the past, but still something new and different. I can't hold her back. Jane is too happy, too relieved to be held back.
"Garrus!" I thought you were dead, you idiot! Before I know it I'm hugging the turian tightly out of sheer relief that there's something in this world that isn't more fucked up than when I left it. Zaeed and Jacob can shift behind me uncomfortably all they want. Garrus is alive, and I don't have to add him to Jane's list.
"Shepard," Says Garrus warmly, the sound reverberating in his chest. "Nice timing. You always were there to pull me out of a mess."
"I always will be," says Jane.
The relief of seeing him alive was quickly pushed aside and I set my mind on my current task. The details of Garrus slowly slipping away from me no more than an hour later are hard to remember. The thoughts of that blue blood being the last thing I see of him, desperately calling Joker for help and applying the medigel as fast as I knew how all blurred into one, palpable moment of terror. Waiting for the Hearing Zaeed's calm voice telling me he was a goner didn't help my panic, and it became a repeating hum in the symphony of that moment. The crash of the gunship, the whirr of the shuttle, the gurgling as Garrus struggled to breathe, the memories of Mindoir. All of it made a terrible discordant tune, punctuated by the blue blood all over my hands and armor. The crescendo was here, and Jane lost it, and started chanting the names of those who had died under my command. Shepard held herself together. Shepard stopped the bleeding. Shepard got Garrus to the infirmary.
And Garrus' name still didn't need to be added to Jane's list.