I had hoped to get this up yesterday, but that proved impossible. I'll attempt a happier piece for tomorrow so look forward to that. It's hard for me to write Mello as a fairly strong, independent character when he has become so captivated by Matt. I tried to balance dependence and independence as well as strength and impulsive behavior. Let me know how well I kept him true to his character. I realized I'm not as strong as Mello during the process of writing this. I'm hoping that won't effect how I portray his character.

Also, the italics were purely experimental. I wanted to give everyone some M rated content. Tell me how that reads, if you will. The italics signify something that is not actually written in his diary, but happened the day the entry was written.

Again, I do not own any of these characters except Nix.

Feb. 12th

His hands ran up and down the soft skin of his body. The room was quiet and he was completely alone. Matt's face appeared behind his closed eyelids and he moaned in longing. Lying down on Matt's bed, he brought his hand to his hardened length. The cold air didn't bother him in the least because he was so involved in his greatest desire. He moved his hand now, slowly at first, and gradually increased the speed. He brought his other hand up to his mouth and bit it, hard. Matt's name was screamed over and over again in his head. The pleasure traveled through his body in bursts as he neared the end.

Thoughts of auburn hair moving at the force of riding Mello. Matt's moans as Mello's length hit his prostate. Black and white stripes entering his line of sight. They both came at the same moment screaming the other's name. The hollow feeling was gone. They were the same, two parts of a whole.

Mello opened his eyes to a pitch black room. His hands were slick and his length deflated. Matt's sheets were slightly sticky. Mello sat up and shook his head, blonde hair flying in every direction. The second of fulfillment was hardly worth it. All he was left with was a mess and a magnified empty feeling. He would always be missing a part of himself. He felt the sting of tears trying to escape his eyes. He hardened his expression and refused to let them fall.

I talked to him for the first time in five days this morning. We exchanged a hesitant smile and I believe the greeting was administered by myself. He mumbled a "hi" to me before walking down the hall in the other direction. I let that one word add to my strength and propel me through the action to follow. I called his name without thinking and he stopped, turning slightly. Before I could stop myself I had him in my arms and pulled him close, protecting him. He didn't pull away, though he didn't return the affection. I thought he might be contemplating taking me back. Unfortunately, I was wrong.

"You're talking to me again, Mell?" Matt asked.

"You lazy bastard. Go steal me some chocolate, will you? I've been stealing it for myself. Do you know how much of a hassle it is?" I answered his question the only way I knew how: in a demanding tone and leaving out what I really meant, which was, "I've missed you."

"Mell, I've been busy lately. I assume you've heard of Nix?"

"Who?" I asked, blindly hoping he wasn't referring to who I thought he was.

"Nix. The guy I've been spending a lot of time with lately."

I didn't speak for a long time. My eyes were probably the only answer he needed. They were burning with anger I couldn't contain. Now that I had a name to the face it made Matt's "lover" more tangible and harder to ignore.

"Mello? Look, you've been distant lately. We can still be friends, but I have other people in my life now."

His lips turned up in a delicate, encouraging smile and I couldn't help but impulsively grab his shoulders and shake him harshly screaming, "I will NOT be second best with you too!"

The shock was plain on his face and I knew I should have let go, but I couldn't. Now that I had someone in my grasp to blame and punish I just wasn't able to stop. He would write it off as my normal selfish behavior and anger at losing my best friend. I knew it was much more. The anger took a long time to dissipate and I could tell he was growing bored with my physical display of it. I finally released him with reluctance and violently crossed my arms. He shook his head in mild annoyance.

"Do you feel better?" He asked as if the whole dramatic scene was just a hindrance in his schedule.

I just shook my head at him and mumbled profanities under my breath. I regret it now, but he deserved to feel pain. What I did wasn't even close to what he deserved. Everyone knows I have a soft spot for Matt and rarely ever harm him, but this was a special occasion. He wanted me to be his second priority. That hit a nerve. Near has told me I have an inferiority complex because I am never able to surpass him. He claims it causes me to act out and overcompensate by making others feel intimidated. Maybe he has a point. But this situation has more to it than me feeling inferior. After everything I've done for Matt I think I deserve to be his first. Before Matt, I didn't have "friends". I had followers who were disposable and only existed to do things I couldn't be bothered with. Those were simpler times and it was hard to believe they were less than three years ago. I miss the control.

I stole an entire box of chocolate from the kitchen before I wrote this. Roger is going to kill me, but I needed something to get rid of that empty feeling. It has become a constant presence that is extremely unwelcome. I've eaten eight bars of chocolate in the past hour and the page is covered with creamy flecks that fall between bites and I feel like I might throw up, but the hollow feeling remains. It's an old scar that has been torn open again. First my mother and now this. I haven't cried for years and dammit, if Matt makes me shed a tear I'll make him shed twenty.

***

I have just returned from my classes. Matt wasn't in any of them which is extremely odd. Near informed me Nix was missing also. I can only guess where the two of them ran off to. It isn't just that I'm worried, I am of course, but also… school is just so pointless without Matt to look forward to. I would love to be L's successor and solve detective cases. That's my aspiration and probably the second best thing that could happen to me. My mother would be so proud if I could be the best. But at the end of the day, that would be boring without Matt with me. I kept thinking, "I'll see Matt during lunch," or "I'll see Matt next class and sort things out then." I never realized how much of my life revolved around him. I'm starting to become dependent and that's the opposite of the type of person I want to be.