Title: Hate Me

Pairings: Tony/Kate

Description: Slight AU, Tony reflects on Twilight, and in a very dark way.

Rating: PG-13 or above

Warnings: Quite dark and language

Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS or the song Hate Me

Tony found himself on the rooftop, where she died, where she left him. He felt like hitting himself, she had all rights to leave him; he had no rights to leave her. When he had plague, she had all rights to leave him, yet she didn't, and now, he had left her. Pulling out his gun he stared at it, maybe he should end it here and now. Without her, his life wasn't worth living. He was having a lot of problems before her death, it was her that pulled him through, it was her that was the reason he was sane again, and what did he do to repay her? He stood there and watched her die, not doing anything about it, just stood, and when she fell to the ground, her eyes open, and misting over, a perfect circle in her forehead, telling him she wasn't coming back, he stood there and did nothing. She was the only one he could rely on, the only one he could count on when things got rough. He made her support him, through everything he did wrong, and every wrong action, she cleaned up the mess, and he did nothing in return.

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space

She had given him so much, and he pushed her away, he embarrassed her, made a fool out of her, and then, she died and he didn't do anything about it.

Slowly he came back to reality and stared down at the rose he had in his hand. He placed it down, exactly where her head lay when she had died, he could tell because of the stained concrete that was still there. He dropped to his own knees. He had been horrible to her, used her, and took her love for granted. Now he knew how much she meant to him, and without fully realizing it, he loved her more then anything else. She had always been there for him, always covered him when they entered a room, risked her life for him, and still he gave nothing in return. He pestered her, annoyed her. It was he, not her that deserved to die.

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

He wandered down the street late at night after the funeral. He had thought maybe putting her to rest would make it easier for him to move on in fact it made it harder. He looked into a bar, wondering if maybe, just this once he should enter and drink his sorrows. No, she wouldn't like that at all, she had helped him get over it, over an addiction he didn't even know he had until he found her. It was hard to face the fact that he was an alcoholic. His father had been one, how…why did he get into the same situation. She saw it though, he didn't know how, he rarely drank on a weeknight, and rarely did he come to work hung over. But she saw it, and when she did, she confronted him, and he admitted it, he then saw it too. She helped him so much; she even lived with him at one point to help him. He sighed, now three months on he had not had a single once of alcohol, and thanks to her, he noticed a change in himself, he wasn't as childish, he had grown up, but also he was working harder, doing things that even Gibbs had noticed a change. When the anger sometimes set in she pulled him off to the side, got him something healthy to eat and a glass of water and listened to him talk, sometimes give him a shoulder to cry on, he told her all about his childhood, something no one else except Gibbs knows about. About witnessing his father hit his mother, and then when he got bored of her, he hit him. She had listened to him helped him work through it, and never let him do anything stupid.

I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

He wondered what she thought of him, why did she stay with him when he was having problems, why did she decide to help him, when she could have spent time with her friends, he had asked her this, her response was simple and clear, 'I care for you, Tony.' That had been it, he had kissed her on the spot, she didn't resist, she fell into it, and then later on he had another breaking point and started yelling and pushing things over, yelling at her. She stood calm and talked, trying to get through to him. And she did…4 hours later. She had him drink a lot of water and put him to bed before cleaning up the mess. He had once tried to get her to leave, telling her that she was so much better then this, she smiled and put both hands on his shoulders and told him not to be silly.

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling "Make it go away!"
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

He walked along the park where she took him when he needed to distress, a place that was always so calm when he needed somewhere just to sit and be relaxed. She would bring along a picnic full of all their favourite foods and coke and water. They would sit by the water, one day Tony was in a great mood, they brought their swimming gear and when she got changed he picked her up and ran into the water with her kicking and screaming along the way, she had planned on staying dry, Tony decided otherwise. They had shared their second kiss there, Tony felt a lot more calm and they enjoyed that one more. She would let his friends come see him and they would chat, sometimes about her, he told them who she was, and why she was here. He would even say bad things about her, and now he felt so horrible for it. Then all of the worse part of it wore off and he started feeling a lot better and didn't have any more outbursts, he still never even said thanks to her, not even a simple thank you. He had taken her for granted, he had always taken her for granted. She was always trying to help, she had saved him, she had saved Gibbs, she had saved the entire team each on their own way, she was always willing to help, always trying to help them. She made them smile, she had made them laugh, and she found a reason for them to wake up in the morning. And none of this was ever repaid for her. And Tony could think of ever reason for her to hate him, yet she stayed with him, right to the very end, she had died along side him, she had risked her life for Gibbs, and then gave her life for the entire team. She had saved every single one of their lives, and maybe she was up there wondering why…maybe she was happy, but Tony didn't know, he just wanted her back, just to say thank you and sorry.

He now stood by her grave, maybe he didn't have to see her to say those things, he knew she was listening. So he said a silent prayer for a long lost lover, a silent prayer for a friend, a partner, an agent, a woman who was always where they needed her to be, but maybe never where she needed to be. Tony felt tears come to his eyes looked at the grave of Special Agent Caitlin Todd, the only person he ever really trusted, and the only person who truly knew him. Silently he placed 12 red and white roses on the grave and whispered, 'I love you Kate', and then silently walked away, debates still running around his head.

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
For you
For you
For you