Rodney's in a bad way and getting worse.

I made my way to Elizabeth's office, and burst in, very impolitely. It's not at all like me, and I know I surprised her.

"Carson? Is something wrong?"

"Is something wrong?" I repeat, unable to believe it. "Other than Rodney nearly killing himself?" Okay, so I exaggerate, but not by much.

"What?" Good. She's shocked.

"I found him trying to drink himself to death last night, near suicidal. I don't know what ye were thinking berating him in front of everyone like ye did." My accent's coming through strong. It does when I'm upset. "Do ye give him one word of praise when he saves the day? No, but he makes one mistake... did you even consider why he did it? Why he ignored Radek, and was so desperate?" I don't give her a chance to answer. "He's burning out. He's not got a good night's sleep since we moved to this bloody city. He's buggered to put it bluntly. How many times has he saved all of us? He's head scientist, and that comes with more responsibilities than you realise. Do you know he checks over every single piece of work his people do?"

"Yes, I often get complaints about that." She frowns at me, and I shake my head. She doesn't get it.

"Well, it's not because of pride, whatever you may think. He's terrified, and he holds himself responsible for every one of his people, and everything they do. He's still carrying every single person who's died since we came here. He still holds himself responsible. Do you know he has a list in his rooms of every person who's died and how he could have saved them?"

"No. No, I didn't know that." She looks troubled, and I'm perversely pleased.

"He just... he saw a way to save us all and stop the Wraith. He saw a way to justify the deaths to himself. He saw a way to finally get a day off."

"I didn't realise..."

"You didn't care to look. As long as he's saving the day, no one's actually bothered with the man. Do you know about the hassle he's gotten from the Marines who've rotated through from Earth? Do you know about the sniping and... and... bullying the man puts up with? Because he honestly thinks he deserves it!" I'm actually shaking with anger. "He's mocked and ignored, and the only way he can get anyone to pay the slightest attention is to bluster and brag and even then, he's mostly treated like crap! The worst of it is that the man has real medical conditions, which are ignored or made fun of. I had him in the infirmary just the other day because SGA4 didn't listen when he told them he needed to stop for a break and something to eat. They told him there was no time and told him they'd continue with or without him. He pushed himself, and carried on. Aye, he complained all the while, but he got the job done. You have to hand it to the man, he does do what needs to be done, even if he does moan away. Of course, he had a hypoglycaemic episode, and collapsed as soon as he got back to Atlantis, and judging by his blood sugar, he should have collapsed half an hour earlier, but he refused to. Am I really the only one who sees that side of him?"

"No, you're not. I apologise." Elizabeth's voice has gone all hard and fierce. "I didn't realise quite how bad things had gotten for him."

"No, I suppose you wouldn't. The man is an insufferable pratt sometimes, and he's very good at pretending with that attitude of his." I sigh. I shouldn't be taking my mood out on Elizabeth like this. I've been ranting away. "I'm sorry, Elizabeth. But I was really scared for him last night. I've got no right to take it out on you."

"No, you're quite right. I've taken my eye off the ball. I'll investigate your concerns, and I owe Rodney an apology."

"He deserved the telling off, for risking himself and John, if nothing else. But by doing it in front of everyone, you undermined his already precarious position." I explain. "His staff respect him, mostly, and the soldiers who've been here from the beginning, they know better than to piss him off, but the newer staff, they just see his ego. And with this... they didn't really need another excuse to snub him."

"I will look into it. You have my word."

I headed back to the infirmary, and got to work. I checked on the mice, treated a burnt hand, a couple of marines who'd got into it with Teyla, and a broken leg. Everything was going fine until Radek walked in. I wasn't sure what to say to him.

"Carson. Is he here?"

"If I say yes, what will you do?"

"I need to talk to him."

"Can't you run the department for one bloody day?" I regretted it as soon as I said it. "Sorry, Radek. But he's in a bad way."

"I realise. I have a problem in the labs though."

"And I'm sure you can figure it out. You do head up your own department, and whatever Rodney says, I know he values your intelligence."

"That bad?"

"That bad." I pause, unsure of how to continue. "Did... did he apologise?"

"Yes. Repeatedly. And he actually meant it." Radek looked mildly surprised. "I know he did not mean what he said, when I tried to tell him he was wrong, but that is what hurts."

"I see."

"He is my friend also. I know that you believe you are the only one who cares for him, but many of us do."

"I know that Radek. But the man's hurting."

"I shall see if I can solve problem myself. Tell Rodney I stopped by."

After lunch, I went into the private room where I'd stashed Rodney. He was still sleeping peacefully. God knows he needs it. I sat for a minute beside the bed, I needed a break. I just love to watch him sleep. He's so... I don't know how to describe it. Peaceful, is one word, but it doesn't really sum it up. He's always full of tension when he's awake. When he's asleep, the care and stress just melts away from him. He never truly relaxes, but sleeping is the closest he gets.

Ah well, no rest for the wicked. I'll leave Rodney sleeping, there's a gate team coming in under fire.