I didn't get the chance to check on Rodney again until quite a bit later. When I did, he was gone. I can't find him, and I'm starting to get really worried. Maybe what I said to Elizabeth about suicide wasn't so out there. I've checked the labs, his quarters, everywhere. God, he can't do this to me. Not now.

I don't want to have to call Sheppard. Rodney doesn't need that right now. But I'm running out of places to search. I even checked all the balconies. I'll go by my quarters, grab a snack and try to think of anywhere else he could be hiding. If I still can't find him then I will call someone.

"Hey."

He's in my rooms. Just sitting there, curled up, like a cat, on my sofa. I can honestly say that's the last thing I expected to see.

"Hey? I've been worried sick about you! You just disappeared from the infirmary, none of my staff remembers seeing you leave, even though I asked them to keep an eye on you, and after last night..." I trailed off, noticing the bottle of wine and the two glasses sitting on the table.

"I'm sorry." He said quietly, looking abashed. "I didn't mean to make you worry, I just... I couldn't stay there, but I didn't want to go back to my quarters..." He shrugs and I want to hug him.

"I didn't mean to go off on you, but you do make me fret."

"I... I got some wine." He offers in a conciliatory manner.

"Where did you get wine?"

"It's Athosian. I have no idea if it's any good or not."

"Hmm. I'll do us some dinner then." I smile and some subtle tension melts out of him.

We've been friends for years, since Antarctica. It shouldn't be this awkward between us.

I go into the small kitchen area. I've got one of the bigger quarters, the open plan ones. It has a small bedroom with an ensuite bathroom, and a living area with a couch, a table and chairs, and a cooking area. I don't keep much food in stock because we all prefer eating together in the mess hall, but I do have a couple of MREs which I can easily heat up.

"Were... were you really worried about me?"

I turn around and find him looking at me, half afraid, half wistful.

"Of course I was. I still am."

"You are?"

"I..." Oh, God. I'm going to have to say it. I was hoping to put this conversation off until he was less vulnerable, but... "I love you, ye daft git. Of course I was worried."

"Wow. Oh, I wasn't... Carson... I..."

"It's okay. I'm not expecting anything. You're my friend first. Come on, the MREs are done."

We sit down at the table and each open our meals. Macaroni cheese.

"Tastes like chicken." Rodney quips as he shovels it in. I laugh, because he's still here. Still joking with me.

"Aye. That it does."

I pour the wine and he takes a hasty swallow.

"So..."

"So?"

"You're gay?"

"Bi. I do prefer the lads though." I wasn't sure we'd ever have this conversation. Now that we are, I find myself unsure of what to say. I take a gulp of the wine. Not bad. "you?"

"I... I guess I'm bi too. But most of my relationships have been with women. With men... one night stands." He takes another mouthful of wine, and I wonder ruefully how quickly we'll get drunk tonight.

"Well, I'd be wanting a little more than a one night stand." He meets my eye, and then blushes. Blushes! Rodney McKay, blushing.

"Oh. Right. Yes, well..."

"Rodney, it's alright. I'm not going to jump you."

"You aren't? I'd... I think I'd like that."

"Really?" I raise an eyebrow, amused. "Well, if you are amenable, we might get to that."

"Amenable? Carson, what do you think I'm doing here? I even brought wine!"

"What about your infatuation with Samantha Carter?"

"Well, yes. There is that. But it's never going to happen, and if it did, I'd probably die. The woman has the kiss of death. Literally. In fact, my luck turned to crap after she gave me a peck on the cheek."

"I'll not be second to anybody. If we go into this, I want it to be because you want to be with me. Not because you want someone to shag while you're waiting for Mr, or Mrs Right. I'll not be a fuck buddy." The look on his face when I said the word 'fuck'. It's not that I never swear, I do, but rarely and always with reason. I doubt he's heard me say it in this context either.

"I think... I know I care about you, and I want to... explore this." He reaches out and takes my hand, and his is shaking. I can't believe it.

After dinner, we make our way over to the sofa and curl up together. He pecks a kiss on my cheek, sweet as anything. I want to kiss him, taste him, but I don't want to scare him off.

"Rodney." I say. "You need to promise me that this... that it isn't just because you're feeling alone, or anything like that. I don't... I can't do this, if it's just..." I trail off, unable to meet his eyes.

"Hey." He puts a hand under my chin and lifts my face. "I care about you too, okay? Do you really think I'd use you like that?" He's throwing my words back at me. I said I'd not take advantage of him, and asked what sort of man he thought I was.

"I'm sorry."

"It's alright." He gives me a rueful smile. "I think we've both been too much alone." I have to kiss him now. I need him.

Our lips meet hungrily, tasting, claiming.

I don't want to go too far too soon, and pull back. He follows me, making a hungry whimper at the loss of contact.

Maybe... maybe I'm over thinking this. Maybe... maybe we could do more.

He pushes forward and we kiss again, his tongue darting into my mouth. His hand roams up under my t shirt, stroking, and I stop thinking.

"Bed?" I gasp.

"Bed." He grins.