Chapter 5 - Silence
We ate in silence, Edward and I. I didn't interact with the other patients. I didn't want to know them. So I finished the salisbury steak and mashed potatoes, swallowed my milk, and waited for Edward to finish his sandwich. When he stood, I followed suit. He walked me back to my room.
"I'm sorry, but I have to lock you in for the night. If you need anything, just press the nurse call button, and someone will be here," Edward said, not meeting my eyes. I nodded and backed into the room, sitting on the bed. Edward shut the door, and I heard a lock click, leaving me in total darkness. It was one of those doors you see in the movies, the ones with the little sliding windows in them. Except this wasn't a movie.
I leaned back on the bed and considered taking my bandages off and ripping out my stitches, but I knew that would require a higher pain tolerance than I knew I had. If I was going to kill myself, it had to be something quick, or something I could no longer do anything about, such as swallowing pills. I would just sink into oblivion and never wake up. Which is what the goal of slashing my wrists had been. In the moment I'd done it, I was so overwhelmed with grief that I hadn't even felt the razor.
So instead I pondered Edward for a moment. I didn't know what it was about him, but I wanted to know him, to open up to him. I just...couldn't. I couldn't let myself get close to someone else, to hurt them when I left this world. So I would rather just ignore the strange moth-to-flame draw I felt toward him.
I quickly grew bored of the small windowless room. I didn't feel up to killing myself right this moment, and I was insanely bored. So I did the only thing I could think of doing. I went to sleep.
When I opened my eyes, I was on the floor. It was dark, and my body was sore. The smell of blood hung heavy in the air, and I tried with all of my might not to pass out again. Renee needed me. Of that I was sure, with all that blood, and the thumping... I was still surprised Charlie hadn't been alerted. He was the Chief of Police for crying out loud, he was supposed to be alert even in slumber.
There was a noise to my left. I turned and squinted into the darkness. The shape of a person was faintly outlined against the kitchen window. It was unmoving, but I could feel whoever it was watching me.
"Renee?" I croaked out. No response. I picked myself up off the floor with great difficulty. Sliding down fifteen stairs while unconscious did not leave me in the best shape. I cleared my throat and tried again. "Renee?" Still no answer.
I edged backwards to where I knew the light switch was on the wall next to the stairwell. But before I could reach the wall, I was tripped by something on the floor. I landed hard on my bottom, all the air whooshing out of me. I reached down to feel what I had tripped over. The first thing I felt was a rough fabric that I recognized as denim. I could feel the soft, solid form of a leg beneath the jeans.
Did Charlie fall off the couch or something? I thought to myself, confused. I stood quickly and grasped for the light switch, finally finding it and flipping it on. I whirled around to survey the room before me. What I saw burned into my mind. I began to scream at the top of my lungs.
I continued to scream and thrash about until the lights were thrown on and nurses rushed in. A dream. I had been dreaming. Another memory to haunt me. I allowed them to sedate me again, because I knew it would mean silence tonight. I quickly fell back into a deep, medicated slumber.
I awoke sometime later. It was difficult to tell what time it was, as there were no windows or clocks in the room. Without the lights on, it was very dark in the room. So I forced myself to stay still until someone decided to check on me.
Luckily, I didn't have to wait long. The little window on my door slid back, allowing light from the hallway to stream in. I squinted into the brightness, and the window promptly slid shut. A moment later, the locks clicked and the door opened.
"There is a light switch on the wall here. This isn't prison," came Edward's voice from where he stood in the doorway. "Mind if I turn it on?"
"Go on," I said, closing my eyes to prepare them for the sudden invasion of light on my retinas. The back of my eyelids glowed orange as the light came on. I allowed my eyes to adjust before looking back to Edward. He was now standing in the middle of the room, and was holding a small bundle of gray clothing.
"Thought you might wanna get out of that gown, so I brought the standard sweats they let you guys wear here," he said, tossing them at me. He turned and shut the door, keeping his back to me. I supposed it was a cue to change my clothes.
"Do you have to be in here?" I asked, wondering why he was still in the room.
"I have to make sure you don't try to strangle yourself with the clothes," he stated somberly. I guessed that meant it had been done before. I changed quickly, balling up the dirty gown, and, not sure what to do with it, I held it loosely in my hands.
Clearing my throat, I said, "I'm done." Edward turned around and took the gown from my hands, putting it in a small plastic laundry bag I hadn't seen earlier. He nodded his head toward the door and opened it. Following him out into the hallway, we went through the same routine as the day before. Bathroom, then cafeteria. They were serving lunch, so that meant I'd slept straight through breakfast.
A tuna sandwich and chips later, we were back in the hallway. Thinking we were going straight back to my room, I was surprised when Edward turned suddenly down a hallway I hadn't been before. Confused, I quickened my steps to catch up with him. He stopped just outside a doorway and knocked lightly on the door.
"Come in," called a muffled voice from within the room. Edward opened the door and motioned me inside, entering and closing it behind him. It was an office, Carlisle's, to be specific, as he was sitting behind a large mahogany desk. A chair sat in front of the desk, and a comfortable looking loveseat and couch sat at the other side of the office.
Carlisle nodded at Edward, who excused himself from the office, and motioned for me to have a seat in the chair in front of his desk. He folded his hands and smiled warmly at me as I sat.
"Well, Miss Swan, you have lasted longer than some in your position. I'm not sure if you'll find that good news or bad, but I thought I would tell you anyway," said Carlisle. "You're here today for your fisrt one-on-one therapy session. For your particular situation, we won't make you do group therapy, as we have found in the past it often makes things worse for patients whose minds are as fractured as yours seems to be."
"Fractured?" I asked. Carlisle nodded.
"Yes, Bella. You are classified as a high risk patient, which means you are a patient who could turn on yourself at any given moment."
I looked down at my hands. It was a little uncomfortable to be discussing this. I felt like I was inconveniencing a lot of people here by doing what I so badly wanted to do. Someone would have to take care of my body, and depending on how I did it, they might have a clean up as well. Edward popped into my mind, opening the door to my room only to find me dead... I felt ever so slightly ashamed of myself, and I didn't know why.
"What are you thinking about right now?" Carlisle probed, bringing me out of my thoughts. I brought my eyes up to his.
"Nothing," I said steadily. It wasn't that easy. He couldn't rush in and be some savant who would bring me from the brink of depression and save me from myself. This wasn't a movie, a book, or any of those wonderful things where stuff like that actually happened.
"What happened yesterday evening? When you fell to the floor?" he asked, his eyes searching my face. This time I just simply didn't respond.
Carlisle looked at me for a few moments before finally nodding. "Even if you never say anything, I would like to see you once a day for the remainder of your time here."
I shrugged my shoulders. It didn't make any difference to me whether I sat in my room doing nothing or I sat in here doing nothing. A room was a room to me. Carlisle stood and walked over to the door. He opened it, and Edward appeared again, ready to escort me back to my room.
I stood, my arms crossed firmly over my chest, and followed Edward from the room. We walked in silence, and when the door had been shut and locked, I sat in silence.