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Shadow

The tears had flowed for a long time. Alex hadn't cried that hard since she was a child, and then she wasn't entirely sure if she'd really cried that hard then. Even when her husband had died, the tears had been free-flowing not sharp and bursting. Mike had held her for the whole time. Once the tears had subsided, he had lifted her up and placed her back onto the bed.

Now they were lying on the bed, Mike was holding her close to him as she took steadying breaths trying to calm herself down. It was still dark, they hadn't switched on any lights, yet the moonlight was brightly shining into the room because they hadn't closed the curtains, for her sake. They hadn't moved from that bedroom. "I should've done something." She whispered. Her voice was so low that Mike had to strain to hear her but he didn't say anything because he wasn't sure what she was referring to. "I waited until there was no one there... before I did anything." She closed her eyes, pausing for several beats. "I should've helped her."

Mike waited a moment before adding a comment, "You'd have been killed." He now knew what she was talking about. She was talking about Amanda, the victim who had been in the torture chamber with Alex, although she had not seen her, she had heard her.

Alex shrugged, "I should've tried anyway." Mike didn't say anything to that. If it had been him, he'd be thinking the same thing. Mike also knew that he wasn't quite so resourceful as Alex and probably wouldn't be alive to think the same thing. "It was so dark." She seemed far away, as if she was still there, still living in that moment. She snorted, "I like the dark." Mike allowed himself a moment to smile at the irony. She took a shaky breath and he pulled her closer, "I can't understand why I'm alive."

Mike cleared his throat, "What do you mean?"

Alex closed her eyes, trying to stop fresh tears from falling, "She was-" she paused, trying not to choke on the tears, "-was a serial killer." Alex opened her eyes and shook her head, "I should be dead." She took several deep breaths but she found it wasn't working. "They're dead, the others are dead, I'm not, why?" She looked back up at him and her attempt to stop the tears failed, and they began to drop down her face. Because she was laying down though the tears were falling down onto his chest as opposed to falling all the way to hers. She looked away and squeezed her eyes shut, trying to stem the flow. "What's happening to me?" she whispered, looking up at him as he looked at her. "This isn't me." She had the look of anger on her face, anger at herself, "I don't wake up in the middle of night crying." She quickly pulled away from him and sat up straight, holding her own head and angrily wiping the tears away from her eyes.

Mike sat up as well, looking at her, wondering how to respond to that, knowing she probably needed one. "I would say this is a good reason to." She looked at him for a moment, pondering his reply, wondering if he had meant to say that. Mike shrugged, "I'm not good at this." She slowly looked away from him, thinking, before she looked back at him with a soft smile on her face. Mike was surprised to see it.

She lifted her hand and touched his cheek, "Thank you." She paused, taking a deep breath. "For trying. You don't need to say anything." Mike toook her hand from his cheek and kissed it. "I thought of you." She added with a small smile, her eyes lighting up a little at the memory before they turned dark again and that smile faded. "When I was there, and I was trying-" she closed her eyes, "-to block out everything. I couldn't see anything. She blindfolded me, but-" she paused, opening her eyes and looking directly into his, "-I could see you."

Mike pulled her into him again and whispered into her ear, "I'm glad I was there."

"Me too." Breathing him in, his scent, that unique smell that Mike Logan always seemed to have and the smoothness of his... "Hey, you've had a shave." Mike chuckled and rubbed his chin into her shoulder. Feeling happy that he'd at least made her feel better enough to finally notice that the forbidden facial hair had now been removed.

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Morning came abruptly. Sleep had barely rejuvenated them, they'd barely had time to. Spending most of the night talking, crying and then talking some more. He wasn't sure talking was helping him get any sleep but it seemed to be helping her, shame he wasn't a shrink because he could've really helped her then. Mike opened his eyes and immediately closed them, cursing the sun for shining through the window so brightly.

And for himself for sleeping in to the point where it would blind him. But not cursing himself for not closing the curtains, that was unavoidable. He felt a movement beside him and he opened his eyes, getting used to light, he looked at Alex and noticed that she was wincing but trying to go back to sleep. Well, at least she had been sleeping more than he was. The passed three days whilst she'd been in hospital, in a bed, sleeping, he'd been there with her, sitting in a chair and not sleeping so well.

"You okay?" He asked her, quietly, turning onto his side so that he was facing her. She opened one eye and then closed it.

"No." She said, quickly. Sighing hard.

Mike watched the pained expression on her face with concern, "You in pain?"

Alex snorted, "Gee, what gave me away?" Her words were punctuated with hard breathing, she was definitely in pain.

Mike rolled his eyes at her attitude, well that was to be expected. Mike pulled back the covers and sat up, "I'll get 'em." He then walked out of the room and quickly returned with the bag full of medication the nurse had prescribed for her. He opened it and shot his head back up at her, "How many do you need?"

Alex opened her eye again and looked at him, "Just the same one I had last night."

Mike pulled one packet out that looked like it had been opened, assuming it was her who had opened it, he shrugged and passed it to her. "You know, you're gonna need to sit up to do this." He reached over to help her but she shook her head.

"I can do it!" She quickly said, trying to lift herself up but her arms were hurting too much. The muscles complaining at being used when they clearly were still recovering from the amount of strain they'd already been under. She tried for several minutes before giving up and collapsing in the bed. "No, I can't."

Mike held her torso and pulled her into the sitting position, her head resting on the headboard. He then looked at the water on the bedside table and then passed the glass to her. He didn't say anything about how he'd had to help her with that, he didn't push it at all. He just grabbed his pants and shirt, putting them on whilst she took the medication. As he fastened his belt around his pants he noticed that she had a dark look on her face, and that the tablet was still in the palm of her hand. "Hey, you alright?" He asked, full of concern, stepping up to the bed and sitting next to her.

She looked at him, worried. "What if this is what's making me...?" Her sentence trailed off, she was referring to last night and he knew that.

Mike looked at the tablet and then back at her, "So if it is, then you know about it and you can deal with it. Look, you're not gonna sit there and tell me you don't want it. You need it. I can see the agony on your face."

"But-"

"No buts. Have it." He practically ordered, only to be met with a raised eyebrow from Alex and a questioning look on her face. "You're not gonna get better without it." He reasoned and she looked back down at the tablet and quickly swallowed it before she could doubt herself anymore. Swallowing the entire glass of water as she did so. "Better?" Mike asked, taking the glass off her, slightly amazed that she'd downed it so fast.

Alex nodded, wiping her mouth. "Much." Even though it wasn't true, there hadn't even been time for the medication to disolve in her stomach let alone actually start taking effect.

Mike kissed her, "Good." He moved to leave put she put a hand on his arm to stop him. He turned back to her and was met with another kiss. Deepening it without consulting their brains or even waiting, Mike propped himself over her with his hands on the mattress, only momentarily wondering if this was taking her mind off of the pain.

She didn't move her arms because of the pain but there was nothing wrong with her head. She felt a moan escape her throat at the same time a ring escaped the speaker of the telephone. They seperated immediately, both wondering who was calling. Mike reached over and picked up the receiver, "Logan... Yeah, she's fine..." Alex looked at him, knowing that she was the topic of conversation, "Well, I wasn't going to unless it was necessary..." Mike looked at her in response to something that was being said down the phone. "She's asleep." Alex raised both her eyebrows but chose not to say anything to give it away, she didn't feel like talking to anyone anyway, "I'll tell her, thanks." Mike put the phone down and looked at her with a slightly amused expression.

"Who was that?" Alex finally asked, fed up with waiting for him to tell her.

Mike shrugged, "Goren."

She looked at him, a smirk on her face that she was trying very hard not to show. "Oh." She smiled, "You told him I was asleep."

"Yeah." Mike nodded, "Yeah, I did."

"I'm not asleep." Alex pointed out, her voice showing that she wasn't angry with him or annoyed, she was actually finding it funny.

"No." Mike shook his head, "No, you're not." Alex looked down at her legs, not really looking at them but picturing Bobby's reaction when he finds that Mike just told him a white lie. A smirk appeared on her face and she looked at Mike, suddenly aware that this was taking her mind off the pain, which only brought it back. The smirk faded to be replaced with the same pained expression she'd woken up with. "Anyway, we got stuff to deal with."

Alex looked at him, her hands going to her upper arms trying to rub the pain away, "We do?"

He nodded, "Yeah, sure. I gotta go and get you some stuff." Alex frowned, confused. "Unless you want to keep wearing the same clothes."

Alex thought about that for a moment, wondering if she really needed to wear different clothes, "I could wear yours." She suggested. Mike shot her a look and shook his head. "Why not?"

He smirked, "Because they'd bury you, besides I don't have enough clothes for that." She thought for another moment, looking around the room and realising that that would mean she would be alone whilst he did that. One moment turned into two, which turned into three and Mike grew concerned as the moments passed. "Alex?" She looked up at him, a quizzical look on her face. "You alright with that?" She suddenly realised that she'd slipped into a daze and not continued the conversation through to the end. Alex nodded, slowly.

"Yeah." She shook herself out of her own thoughts to give him a proper response.

The phone began ringing again and Mike shot it a suspicious look before looking back at Alex, "Who gave him my number?"

Alex shrugged, "Not me."

Mike reached over and picked it up again, "Logan." This time he sounded irritated, only to be replaced with surprise and then a little cheeriness, "Hey, how ya doing?" Alex frowned because she didn't know who it was. "No, she's doing okay. Listen I need a favour. You mind coming over to look-" Mike looked at Alex, immediately changing his sentence, "-to stay with her whilst I fetch some things." Alex really wanted to know who he was talking to but she was thankful she hadn't had to explain to him that she didn't want to be left alone, once again he was surprising her with his understanding. "Fantastic. You know where I live?... Yeah. You want to speak to her?" Mike asked, knowing full well that Alex was dying to find out who was on the phone.

He passed her the phone and Alex immediately spoke into it, however she was quiet. "Hello... Hi Dad." The smile that crept up on her face was small but it seemed to be a happy smile. "I'm okay." She looked at Mike and he could see that she wasn't; she was far from okay. Mike left her alone to speak to him whilst he got some stuff together and hunted for that key for her house that Bobby had given to him. Since the lock had to be changed because the door was smashed through in their frantic search for Alex, she now didn't have a key.

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Mike walked into Alex's house and placed the key into his pocket. He sighed as he looked around the room; it was so tidy. It was so quiet, eerily so. What Mike couldn't figure out was why it was so quiet. There was usually some noise about, something that always pierced his ear drum and made it's presence known.

Realisation hit Mike like a truck; he knew what was missing. His eyes immediately flew to the empty bird cage and he frowned. "Polly?" He called out, not really expecting an answer. That bird never really did like him. The squawking it made was generally ignored by Mike, but he found it strange that he'd realised it was missing, even though he usually ignored the bird entirely.

Upon seeing the empty cage however, he realised that that bird was definitely gone. If it hadn't been let out of the house by someone else, it certainly wouldn't have survived without food. Although Mike didn't truly care about it, he knew that Alex did since she was always fond of him. Walking past the cage, Mike headed straight for the bedroom and opened up some drawers and started hunting for some clothes to shove into the bag he'd brought with him. Only momentarily pausing as he realised he was hunting through the underwear drawer, taking a moment to look at them before shaking his head and quickly tossing them in the bag. He couldn't tell her about that one then.

Once he'd collected everything he thought she'd need, not that he was sure exactly what she would need, he walked back through towards the door, stopping in the living area and taking another look around. An idea starting to form in his head, he wasn't sure if it was a good one but it was forming anyway. He pursed his lips together in thought and then pulled out his cellphone, quickly dialing a certain number. He waited for the person on the other end to pick up, to say they were surprised would've been an understatement. Mike quickly spoke, pushing away any words the other person planned to say, "Yeah, it's me. Firstly I owe you an apology, secondly, meet me at your partners' house. I've got an idea and you're perfect for the job."

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Mike walked into his apartment and was surprised when he saw Johnny Eames and Jo Bennett, Alex's sister, sat down in his living area, being incredibly quiet and looking deep in thought. He kept the door open to allow Bobby to follow him. Bobby quickly followed and closed the door. Mike slowly walked over to Johnny and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, you okay?"

Johnny quickly nodded, "Yeah, sure. I was just thinking."

"That looked pretty deep." Mike commented, "What the hell were you thinking about?"

Jo snorted, "Just the meaning of life." She joked, looking at Mike with a small, humorous smile.

Bobby walked over to them and nodded in greeting. "Hey son, how ya doing?" Johnny asked him.

Nodding, Bobby replied, "I'm okay."

"Is she alright?" Mike asked, quickly changing the topic to something important as opposed to just small talk.

"Well, we're not sure actually." Jo replied, looking worried, "You see, when you left she was really talkative but now she's in there-" Jo pointed towards Mike's bedroom, "-just lying on the bed, looking up at the ceiling and not saying 'boo' to anyone." Jo shrugged, she couldn't understand this. "She's just not talking. I've never seen her like that."

Bobby looked at them, and slowly began speaking, "She's been through a traumatic experience a-and she needs time to deal with it on her own terms." Bobby paused as he thought about it, "There is a difference between seeing it everyday and actually experiencing it."

"So you're saying she needs time?" Jo asked, unsure. Bobby nodded. Jo sighed, "I don't know. Alex is pretty stubborn about things, it might be better if we shove her in the right direction." Jo made a pushing movement with her hand as she spoke.

Mike pulled a face of disagreement, he didn't want to do force her to deal with anything yet, "I don't know about that."

"Neither do I." Johnny agreed with Mike, "She is stubborn, which means we shove her one way, she's gonna go the other."

"She's never been like this before. This is different." Jo argued, "She wasn't even like this when Joe died." Jo referred to Alex's former husband who died in the line of duty.

"Well that was because-" Johnny stopped speaking. Glancing towards Bobby and Mike, quickly changing his thought. "That's different and you know it."

Mike looked at Alex's father, a frown on his face, "That was because of what?" But he shook his head in response, he wasn't going to talk about that. That wasn't his place to do so.

"Eames?" Bobby's voice caused them all to look in the direction he was looking in; towards Mike's bedroom. To see Alex stood there, wearing one of Mike's shirts and some slacks, looking pale and withdrawn.

Mike took two strides and was next to her, "You okay?" He asked, full of concern for the way she seemed so dazed and out of it.

She looked up at him, blinking a little more than usual, "When did you get back?" Her voice was quiet and reserved.

"Just now." Mike replied, his concern growing.

Alex nodded slowly, looking around the room at the other people who were there. Even though there was only three others there; her father, her sister and her partner, she felt it was crowded. "What are you talking about?"

Mike looked at her father and then back at Alex, "You, actually." He spoke quietly, his tone of voice showing how worried he really was, she looked ready to pass out. "It seems-" Mike looked at Jo and Bobby, "-It seems you've given everyone cause for conern, including me." She looked at him, sudddenly guilty that she'd done that.

"I'm sorry." As soon as she spoke the words, Mike knew she really wasn't herself. Alex would never have apologised for that before.

Mike took her hand gently but before he could say anything else, she fell into his arms heavily. Mike was thankful she'd fallen towards him and not backwards. He quickly looked at her face and noticed she was out cold. Concerned, he picked her up and put her down on the sofa. "Okay, what the hell was that?" The words were out of his mouth before Mike could think about it.

Bobby looked at her and then back at Mike, "What has she had?" Bobby asked, concerned as well. Johnny was already out of his seat and kneeling beside his daughter.

"What has she had?" Mike repeated to Johnny, knowing they'd been with her for most of the morning.

Jo replied for her father, "She had some cereal with us earlier, that's all we've seen her have."

"What about medication?" Bobby asked, wondering if it was the effects of drugs.

Jo shrugged, "I've not seen her take any."

"She had one this morning." Mike replied, "Which she'd had last night and she was fine." Mike looked down at her, and gently stroked her face hoping to wake her up, which wasn't exactly working.

"She's been in the bedroom for most of the time." Jo continued. Bobby looked at her and then quickly headed towards the bedroom to see what she might've eaten in there, Mike didn't even get chance to argue about that but it didn't register in him to argue with Bobby over it, he just looked at Alex, holding her.

Bobby came rushing back out within seconds, "Is this yours?" He asked, his voice showing panic.

Mike looked up and the panic rose in him as well. "Yeah, but it was full." The panic was evident in his eyes and voice as he looked at the empty bottle of whiskey in Bobby's hand and then down at the unconscious Alex before looking at her fathers worried face. It became very apparent what she had done, what no one really knew was why; although Mike had an idea, he didn't want to voice it.

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TBC

Okay, now I feel really evil. :(