A/N Please forgive any mistakes I'm posting this in a hurry to get it to all of you quickly. Also some of the scenes in the flashback are gruesome and disturbing so if you have a weak stomach please skip them and PM me…I tell you the important info and leave out the gory details

Chapter 4: Memories or Nightmares?

The rest of the meal passed in relative quickness that was only marred by the degrading comments of Logan. Everyone else gave up on trying to speak to Killian except for Rogue who though talked no more gave him friendly smiles. He had wondered all through dinner why she wasn't like the rest? Why she didn't merely give up? Harry had suggested that perhaps she knew what he was trying to do because she had done it before. Push everyone away so therefore you can't get hurt and no can else can get hurt by you or because of you. Killian had scoffed at the idea but then again Harry hadn't been expecting an agreement from him.

Now though Killian found himself laying upon the bed in the room he had been loaned staring up at the ceiling. He had checked the room already for both magical and muggle bugs and had found none and so he knew that he was safe enough to let Harry out. Harry helped deal with all the memories and thoughts. He was willing to bear the full brunt of it. Killian wasn't made for such stuff…he was made for killing, for hating, for following orders without question. Of course the last one had a slight glitch in it seeing as soon he had been implanted into Harry…he had turned his back on the people that had created him and had put him there. Of course that was only after having to relive every memory of Harry's life. He had managed to keep him out for so long, he had been a lot stronger then the ministry and its followers had ever given him credit for. But he couldn't keep Killian out forever not when his makeup was also made for infiltrating the minds of others…especially the mind of the person you're implanted into.

Killian felt himself being tugged into the memories that were drowning Harry and though he heard Harry's screams, pleas, whimpers for help he did not want to face the horrors that he would have to in order to pull him out. Killian knew he was selfish for that after considering himself to be Harry's protector but there were some things that people could not protect other people from. Like themselves and the memories that haunt them. Killian did not want the reminder of what Harry had to go through before they had ever become one. Harry was not made to be a killer and yet he had killed. He was not meant to know torture and yet he been the tortured and the torturer. He was not meant to see death and yet he had not only seen it he had to sleep side by side it. Harry was to pure for the corrupted war he had been made to fight. To gentle for the horror. But he was no longer innocent and if he had ever been then that was a time that Harry could no longer remember.

Killian sighed as Harry's pleas became unbearable to stand….and though no outward noise was being made the unending noise bouncing off the walls of his mind brought a migraine of hellish proportions. Slowly or perhaps it was a quick slow that he could feel himself slowly getting sucked into all of Harry's memories. The memories that had changed Killian's mind. The memories that had made Harry start giving up his faith in the human race.

(Flashbacks….split up by this -!- and in italics)

The putrid smell of decaying flesh as it was baked beneath the summer sun. Harry couldn't quiet his stomach as he looked around at the carnage. HE hadn't made it to the village in time to stop anything from being killed. He had arrived in time to be able to slaughter those who had created such a massacre and to hear the last gurgling breaths of the victims.

The victims were children….infants who had their throats slit and heads bashed in, Young girls and boys who were stripped of all their clothing and strung up in vulgar positions that left them with no dignity….their necks snapped or their throats having met the same fate as the babes. Women laid naked some with protruding bellies that spoke of life unborn and said life cut short before it had begun. Their bellies were slashed and blood ran in little rivers down their legs as they hug from trees with nondescript rope around their necks.

This had been a village of peace…a refuge to those who's homes had been destroyed. A refuge for women and their children. This had been their safe haven that had been turned in to their living and dying hell. No safe haven was supposed to become ones torture chamber. That was a line that should never be crossed and yet here it had destroyed beyond existence.

Smoke burned his eyes as he took in the ash and small debris of the once warm and welcoming homes. Nothing in this place had remained untainted, unsoiled, untouched.

This was pure evil…and evil that Harry couldn't process and he wasn't sure he truly wanted to. No amount of training could ever prepare him for this kind of treachery. One couldn't think of this within even their nightmares. Harry could no longer keep down the bile as it rose in his throat….and he had barely time to turn his back on the scene before his breakfast made its reappearance. His stomach was in knots while his heart pounded in his head and the world tilted. Latching on to a nearby tree he managed to calm down enough to realize that the wet sticky substance beneath his fingers was not tree sap but blood. Harry refused to look up to see what horror awaited him and without hesitating he ran. Ran away from the carnage and violence tripping over dead tree limbs and holes in the earth.

-!-

They had said that they were going to improve his ability to help him keep safe the wizard population. This was improvement….this was not how improvement occurred. He was laying flat on a metal slab that stood about 4 feet off the ground. Thick strips of metal restraints ran across his forehead, chest, both wrists, Pelvic region and both legs down at the ankle. The Department of Mysteries workers had doused him in water and now it dripped uncomfortably into his eyes and the drip, drip of water falling off his skin and onto the growing puddle beneath the metal table. A metal rod extended from the wall underneath the window that allowed him to be observed. The rod extended all the way to his feet where it then it forked and had dug its self into the bottom of both his feet…blood rain rivers creating a puddle of gathering blood.

"Please let me go!" Harry couldn't help but whimper. He had already been subjected to their treatment twice. And it felt as if his very bones were on fire and his skin was a pile of mush. Tears fell from his eyes though he would have sworn to anyone that it was a mixture of the water and sweat.

He could see the people in white robes with their clip boards and scrolls making notes while observing him. In the back of his mind he started to vaguely understand how animals within a zoo must feel like. It was an unpleasant feeling to the extreme but maybe that was because he knew what was coming. Knew that another dose of pain and hellfire was coming.

He saw one of the men in white robes give the signal and before he could blink a white blue light ran charged through the metal rod into Harry's body. Wizards had found not only the power of electricity but how to torture someone with it as well. The screams that ripped through his body were what most would call inhuman and if he had been coherent enough he probably would have agreed with them.

His bones had to be on fire, they had to be. That was the only way to describe the knowing, biting, searing pain that enveloped every pore of his skin, every joint of his bones, every tooth and nail felt excruciating pain. This was hell. He was sure of it. He wasn't religious never had been because he'd never been raised to be. He never actually thought Heaven or Hell was a place or that there was one distinct God and one distinct Devil. No he wasn't so literal. Hell was a place of pain and where your worst nightmares can't hold a candle to your reality. Heaven was a place where one did not find forever happiness but for in one moment forgot all other pain existed. The devil was these doctors, these scientists. They said they were getting him ready. Preparing him for the insert. But they wouldn't tell him what they were inserting.

Any tiny morsel of coherency he had left faded and died as a stronger more forceful beam of electricity was pushed into the metal rod and subsequently into him. Darkness greeted him with uncaring arms and for once he didn't care that he was now even more defenseless amongst the devils themselves.

(End of flashbacks until you see italics again.)

Killian tried to pull himself free and as he gasped for breath struggling against the torrent of painful memories he looked much like a drowning man resurfacing from the watery depths in hopes of getting even a small lungful of air. The current was to strong, the pain to much and he could already feel himself being pulled under, his processes shutting down. He was not made for this type of pain. Not the physical turned mental. Not the mental turned emotional. And the emotional was out of the question period. He was the protector, the guard that stood between Harry and the rest of the world that wanted to cause him hurt. It was almost second nature for him to be in charge of their body but in truth Harry was the main force residing within the foundations of the body. It was just Harry no longer felt safe within the outside world after all how could he when he wasn't even safe inside his own mind. So he, Killian, took forth the job of being what they had to be all the while trying to keep Harry as far from it as their circumstances would allow.

Killian could not stop the bloodcurdling scream that wrenched itself from the depths of his throat. As the current became to strong and he fell back under and without much insight as to how he knew he simply did that it would be a while before he was able to resurface again.

-!-

Two wands tips were digging into his head…one at each temple. They were ripping his mind in half…they had to be it was the only logical explanation or the pulling, pushing, scraping feeling that he felt within his skull. They were forcing something into his mind….a presence that did not belong. That he did not want. But the more he fought the more it hurt and he was so tired of it hurting. So exhausted of struggling, so completely ready to throw in the towel and give up. He just wanted the pain to stop and then the wands drew away but the presence remained and now without the interfering energies of the two wands Harry could feel within his weary bones that this new entity was evil. An evil that wanted to destroy him.

"what did you do to me…" Harry moaned to the retreating figures who simply ignored his question. Whispers began to echo in his mind like the soft shuffle of pages being turned quickly all at once. It was not gentle and yet the pain was not to the degree that he had expected or would have thought it would be considering the past few months. He tried to stop it knowing that whoever or whatever they had inserted into his mind was trying to read his thoughts. Trying to pick through all his secrets. The secrets he told no one. The more he tried to stop him, to erect walls between the presence and the information the blistering the pain became. From a dull ache to searing hell. Screams tore from his throat and suddenly while screaming he felt a small tear. Next he was coughing, screaming, suffocating….on his own blood. Death was kinder then this, he knew, because he had seen it in play to many times.

"You don't belong here anymore…." Was the last thing he heard before an empty cold blackness swept over him and hot fire washed over him. His mouth open in a never ending, throat tearing scream.

-!-

"What the hell is all the noise Bub?" Harry's eyes snapped open at the sound of the voice….a scream dying in his throat. He sat up quickly looking wildly around before his eyes focused in on the door where Logan stood his claws unsheathed.

Harry wasn't sure if what he was seeing was correct…he wasn't sure exactly where he was at his mind still lost within his memories. Which though weren't leaving were fading slightly into the back of his mind.

"Kid!" No response as Harry looked down at himself to check and see if he had given himself any injuries his mind on pure survival mode where no logic thought came in or out of. "Killian?" He looked up startled and saw that Logan was slowly advancing towards him his expression one of worry. Though Harry was sure if asked Logan would deny it.

"My name is Harry." He muttered without truly thinking of the consequences as he slowly stood up and backed away from Logan who stopped his advances as soon as he saw the action. His head cocked slightly to the side like an animal who is unsure of his sudden surroundings and is trying to figure out how to proceed. Harry looked back up and as his eyes met Logan's clarity filtered into his mind at rapid speed. Silently he groaned at his slip of the tongue. Killian was going to kill him that was if the towering feral didn't do it first.

A/N I'm back……and I'm sorry its taken so long. I've had everything from the Swine Flu…yes I really did have it, to strep throat, to a computer cashing and having to use all my car money that I was saving up to buy a new one, Which meant rewriting all of the chapters I had ready for you all again, because of all my sickness I missed two weeks of school which means making up two weeks of missed work while trying to keep up with current work, and then my best friend who is a year younger then me, her mom died so that shook me up pretty bad, my foreign exchange student left to go back home and then I was pretty much away from the computer during the week leading up to Christmas due to family vacation. I know that all of this could be considered excuses but I promise you all it all did happen and I kind of drowned in all of it.

Please forgive me once again and please review.