Defective Products
Summary: Meet Dalek Stan, only good for making food. Meet Angel Dave, who never quite got the defensive mechanism down. And meet Cyberman Janet, who really, REALLY wanted to get laid. They're sharing a flat. Fun begins.
Stan had an interesting feature about himself and possibly the only useful one. He reacted to danger.
Not that Stan was a very good judge of what constituted 'danger;' To him 'danger' was just something abstract and strange that he didn't quite understand. This explained why Stan was still attacking what had been a toaster when Janet wandered in, still frozen Dave under one arm. It all looked rather surreal, "Stan. What happened to our kitchen?" Janet's voice was unnaturally quiet. Stan stared around, "Danger." He mumbled, "Was danger."
"Stan, we've had this conversation before. The toaster is not, and will never be, a threat to your well being." Janet patted Stan on the head, "Now come on, you didn't eat all your...stuff...did you?" Stan did what could have been a shake of the head, "Fine. We'll make more smooshy stuff. Oh, and don't attack Dave anymore, okay? I know she registers as the biggest threat in the street and all, but she's kinda...useless, okay?" Janet glanced to the statue, "No offence D." The statue moved- just a little bit, "I really hope that means 'none taken'." Dave made a noise that could only be described as a sob that gave up halfway through.
"Good. Now let's get Stan his smooshy stuff!"
As Stan sat there draining...whatever it was...Angel Dave decided to join them for dinner, not wanting to go back outside to collect something to eat. It would make her feel ill, but she was willing to take the risk. Stan looked at her, puzzled, "STAT-UE EATS?" Janet got the impression Dave was rolling her eyes, "Yes Stan. Statue eats." Dave was gnawing on a chocolate bar,
"IS STAT-UE MA-GIC?"
"No. Statue is just hungry."
"FOOD IS VANISHING! WHERE DID FOOD GO?" Dave stayed quiet. Instinct had finally kicked in when Stan asked awkward questions.
Hard to blame her really. Stan tapped her with his plunger, "MA-GIC STAT-UE GONE?"
"..."
"STAT-UE?" Another tap, using the whisk this time.
"JA-NET! JA-NET, WHAT DID STAT-EU DO?" Janet rolled her not quite there eyes, staring at a magazine of...questionable content, "Stan. It's not a statue, for the last time. It's a Weeping Angel, remember?" Stan looked as confused as a genocidal pepper-pot could,
"STAT-UE CAN CRY?" Janet didn't respond, electing to get excited by the magazine instead,
"Ooh, that's an interesting position...Wow, I didn't know you could do that with your legs..." The apathy towards one of the most dangerous species in the universe was astounding.
Well, until something happened. Stan started to shriek. This in itself wasn't odd behaviour...what he was screaming was, "SOMETHING IS COMING! COMING! COMING!"
Somewhere quite close to Earth...
"WE HAVE LO-CA-TED THE DALEKS ULTIMATE WEAPON!" The Tracker Daleks squawked to their leader, "THE DALEK IS SURROUNDED!" The white Dalek rolled out,
"NO MAT-TER. NO LIFE ON EARTH COULD STOP A DALEK. NO EV-EN THEIR GREAT-EST WEAPONS!" The creature stared at the screen,
"WE SHALL RECOVER THE DALEK FROM THE CLUTCHES OF THE HUMANS! PREPARE FOR BATTLE!"
Dalek Stan's screams were quite annoying, piercing through even the stone that Dave had turned into, "Ouch...Stan, what's coming? What's coming?" Janet had her hands over her ears. Or...where her ears should have been, "STAN!" The Dalek frantically turned around, before rolling quickly towards the window and pointing, "COMING! DANGER!" Janet stared outside.
There was a small dog and a large lady walking it. It was slightly cloudy.
No danger to be found. Janet's eye would have twitched. Dave's already started, "Nothing there Stan. Absolutely nothing. Now, will you go back to eating whatever it is you were eating?"
"DANGER!"
The other two sighed.
Night had fallen. The street lights lit up the city of somewhere in Britain, painting everything in an orange glow. The three aliens slept soundly. Something stirred in the skies above the UK, but they were so used to it that no one cared to pick up the signal. The Daleks came down.
BAM!
"WHAT IS THE OFF-END-ING OB-JECT?" Tracker Dalek 1 exclaimed (as if it could do anything else) when it crashed into a lamppost. The second tracker blew it to pieces,
"OB-JECT EXTERMINATED!"
"WE SHALL LO-CATE THE DALEKS ULTIMATE WEAPON!" They whirred around the city. Some drunks passed them, "Looooooooooook~ PEPPER!"
"That's...That's shooooo awesim. No wait...wait...awesan? Noo...Ah whateverrrr, ish gooooooood!"
The Daleks 'intelligence void detector' bleeped rapidly, picking up thousands.
It was going to be a long evening. Obviously starting with a few exterminations...
Around eighty-two group exterminations later, the Daleks were left with a single void large enough to be their weapon. They called the fleet closer.
Time to move in for the kill...
"And on the news tonight, the number of customers attending pubs has fallen dramatically over the last week. Landlords are complaining that this is due to the..." The three aliens were silent as they listened to the news. Then they turned to Janet,
"So...Where'd you hide your unwilling sex slaves this time?"
"Hey, I had nothing to do with this Dave-" The presenters voice blared out again,
"Also, the world has been invaded by an alien species again. The new government is advising us not to panic and to blame the old government." An image of a Dalek came up. Stan started screaming.
"You know, that explains a lot."
"It would explain my gas the other day..." There was silence between the two relatively sane people in the flat,
"I think I know why Stan's screaming, Dave."
"Well thank you Captain Obvious! What're we going to do?" Janet thought very hard about this for a few minutes. She walked up to the window, staring at a pair of Daleks approaching the building. She then turned back to the pathetic Weeping Angel and screaming Dalek. Then she returned to the window. Back to the aliens.
Window.
Aliens.
Window.
Aliens.
Window.
Ali-Oh, now there were an additional pair of Daleks. They carted off Stan.
Window.
Alien.
Daleks being beamed up.
Very angry Weeping Angel, inches from her throat. Frozen solid, "I think," Janet started, "That we should start saying prayers to whatever deities there may be in this cold unforgiving universe. Personally, I am going to offer a final act of mass sexual acts and pleasure as a sacrifice. Excuse me a moment."
Janet pushed the Weeping Angel aside. Dave growled, grabbing at her head, "Oh no you don't. We are going to get that world killing weapon back from those genocidal maniacs."
"But..."
"We will find a way or so help you!" Janet gave up as Dave stared out of the window, finally moving away from her throat. She gulped, "Find them." Janet stared at Dave,
"What?"
"Find the Daleks! You're the one with the super technology, I'm the one with the-" Angel Dave froze mid sentence. Janet touched her lightly, staring at the angel's eyes,
"So...Can I go do that sexual thing now?" Dave said nothing, "Taking that as a yes! Bye Dave!"
A/N: I don't like this as much as the last two. But I like writing for angry Dave. She's fun. Also, my internet wasn't working when I wrote this. Meh, it sucks not being able to listen to epic soundtrack.