Tomorrow I have to go to the hospital – I have a surgery scheduled and I'm not sure yet if I'll be up and running again on Sunday - therefore a short update today. Of course, if I'm doing ok, there will also be an update on Sunday - otherwise I'll be back next week - hopefully.

Chapter 16

With a cup of coffee in his hand, Voight stood at the window of his office.

His thoughts, however, were not here and on the case, but on the conversation he had had with Jay. The very one-sided conversation. He had to think of Jay's warning. And of all the moments recently when he had not been able to control himself. When anger had taken over. He really needed to do something about that, about his loss of control, his anger - for Kim's sake.

Hank didn't want to relive a moment like that. A moment like the one in his car.

If he approached Kim again, if he touched her like that again, he wanted that, yes he wanted both of them to want it, to enjoy it. That it would be a moment full of passion, lust and, well maybe full of love. Just like last night, when they had kissed. Only very briefly. But that one moment, that kiss, it had given Hank hope, just like her words in the car. Hope that everything could be okay. That she had truly forgiven him. His outburst toward her. When he'd forced himself on her, when he'd come close to ra-. Hank found it hard to think about. At some point he would have to talk to her about it. Have to say it out loud.

But there was one thing Hank knew for certain right now, he definitely didn't want to see fear in her eyes. Hank didn't want Kim to be afraid of him. No way, under any circumstances. Ever again.

He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't notice someone enter his office and close the door behind them. It wasn't until a hand rested on his upper arm that he was jolted out of his thoughts.

"What are you thinking about?" he heard Kim's voice beside him.

" I'm thinking that maybe I should visit Al again. That yesterday, talking to him, apologizing, I, thank you for talking me into it. It was just the right thing to do," he replied. And that was true, too.

And maybe it would help him if he did it again, if he talked to him again, so to speak. Like he had yesterday. When he had stood in front of Al's grave, that had felt good somehow. To finally be able to let his feelings out. To let out his fear and anger. One more time would maybe help him to bring some order into the chaos in his head. Oh, and into what he was feeling - for Kim. He felt something. Though it was hard for him to put it into words. To admit it. Unlike Kim had done. Earlier in her car. When she had talked about a later, and an us.

"Do you want to go to the cemetery now? It's getting late," Kim said.

"No, not until tomorrow, before I go to the precinct," was all Hank replied.

Kim nodded.

"Do you want me to drive you home?" inquired Kim.

"I think I'll walk home. Some fresh air will do me good, I'm sure," he replied.

Wordlessly, Kim stopped next to Hank. She waited for him to continue speaking. But he said nothing. And then, at that point, he reached out, put his hand around her waist. Pulling her to him. He was holding her close for a moment. Hugged her. It felt good. Just like last night. The kiss. And this morning. When he had woken up with her on the sofa.

But now was not the moment to explore that feeling. And so he broke away from her.

"It's late. Go home. I'll see you tomorrow," he then said to her.

Kim nodded before then leaving Hank alone in his office.

Kim would go home now - she would just turn off all feelings and thoughts for an evening. After all that had happened in the last few days, an evening like this suited her just fine. Perhaps she would take a nice bubble bath or read a good book. At least she would try to relax. But Kim knew that she still wouldn't be able to prevent her thoughts from wandering to him again. To Hank.

Kim sat on her sofa, in front of the television. She tried to relax. Only she couldn't. She couldn't concentrate on the movie. A classic was playing on TV. Casablanca. Actually a movie she liked to watch. But Kim's thoughts today were not on Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman. They were on Hank Voight. And she wondered what he was doing right now. Whether he had perhaps gone to the cemetery, to Al's grave. Whether he was pouring out his heart to Al, telling him about what had happened in his life recently. Whether it would help him. That moment at Al's grave.

Little did Kim know that Hank was standing in front of her house right now.

Hank's walk had not taken him directly to the house. And not to the cemetery either. Instead, he had unconsciously walked to Kim's apartment. And so he now stood in front of her house. On the other side of the street. His gaze was fixed on the windows where Kim's apartment was.

Hank couldn't shake the thought of Kim. And that was why he was here. That was why his subconscious had led him here. Because he had been thinking about Kim. All the time. Hmm, what was it about this young woman that had him so confused? Well, Hank didn't know. But it had been a long time since he'd felt this way. It had been years. Many many years.

And now he wondered if it was really such a good idea. To allow these feelings. To see where it would lead if he allowed it. Just to accept what was inside of him. You know, the stuff that was bothering him so much today. Since the conversation with Jay. And actually much longer.

If Al was here now, he could have talked to him. Then he could have told him about everything - the kisses, the night together and also about the moment when he almost lost control. Al would have found the right words, I'm sure. Al would have, well, no, if Al were still alive, who knows if he would be standing here today. Whether he would feel the same way. So confused. So full of anger. Full of feelings he didn't want to interpret. Well, perhaps he wouldn't be here.

But then again, Hank remembered the first time he had seen Kim. How she had looked at him. He remembered that moment very well. And her smile. That smile that had haunted him for days afterward. In his dreams. And even now her smile did NOT fail to affect him.

At some point it started to rain. Hank noticed how the rain soaked his jacket. He should start making his way home. Or over to Kim's apartment. Ask her if he could stay with her until the rain let up. No matter what he decided, he should do it quickly.

And then he made up his mind. Decided to go home. Because it was better that way. For the moment, anyway.

When his front door finally slammed shut behind Hank, he felt alone.

Heedlessly, he dropped his jacket on the floor. He wanted to escape the confines of the hallway, grab a beer, and sit outside on the patio. To think. And to shut off his thoughts at the same time. To do everything at once. But most of all, just NOT to think. At least not until he knew what to do. What he should do about Kim. And the fluttering in his stomach. The fluttering that he always had when he thought about her. When she smiled at him. When she touched him. And also yesterday during the kiss.

And then his eyes fell on the pictures on the small table. On one picture in particular. On his wedding photo. Camille.

Kim was the first woman since Camille that he had let get that close. So close. But did he want to let her in all the way? Did he want to show her who Hank Voight really was? Did he want Kim to know him as only Camille had known him?

Hank reached for the photo. Looked at it. Looked at a happy Hank Voight. A Hank Voight he wanted to be again. Yes, he wanted to be again the man Camille had once fallen in love with.

And in that moment, he knew what he wanted, too. Who he wanted. And what he had to do.