An Imperfect Perfectionist
Chapter 8
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The function of an eating disorder, for a lot of people, and for a certain extent of time, is to become numb. When you reach a certain nadir of numbness, it's called despair. It just feels horrific, and then you have to climb your way back up and that whole process of climbing, that is a lifetime. That isn't just recovering from an eating disorder, that's learning how to be a grown up. It's learning how to live in the body you have and in the life that you have.
-Marya Hornbacher, Wasted
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"May second," Dr. Holling stated as she looked down at the calendar in front of her. "We're coming up on three years. How do you feel about that?" she looked at Monica, slight smile of proudness showing through in the corners of her eyes. Dr. Holling was a psychologist in a team of many people, including a psychiatrist, group therapist, and registered dietitian, whom Monica had been seeing throughout her treatment and recovery, though the meetings were fewer and further between as time went on.
Monica smiled herself, a genuine, heartfelt smile that, three years earlier, she knew very well she had not been capable of. "Amazing," Monica again smiled, nodding her head.
"Amazing," Dr. Holling smiled as well. "That's the only word you can come up with to describe the past three years of recovery?"
Monica laughed slightly, knowing very well that answer would not cut it. "No," she shook her head. "Amazing does not even begin to describe recovery…."
Dr. Holling set down her pen and paper, concentrating solely on Monica. "Then how would you describe it?"
Monica took a deep breath, trying to put any of the emotions of the past three words into words. How could words even begin to describe the process she had internally gone through, though? "The first few months," she began slowly, "were hell. They were hard and tearful and a battle of the wills with no one but myself. There were days that every ounce of my being wanted to give up on myself. There were days I wondered why I would want to get better. There were days I just wanted to give in and give up. And, don't get me wrong, I still have days like that, but, thankfully, those days get fewer and further between as time goes on."
"That's what I like to hear."
"And recovery…recovery is a daily, uphill battle. And I feel like that's what the majority of people don't understand if they're looking in from the outside. It's a daily struggle not to step on the scale, not to add up the calories of everything I've eaten in the day, not to fall back into old patterns that were so easy and comfortable to fall into. It's a daily battle of learning not to hate myself, and to…live life," she continued on. "And I feel like, the further along I go, the more of a sense of…thankfulness I feel. I feel happier and more thankful to be alive. I…appreciate it more, I guess," Monica paused, and Dr. Holling let her be silent as she gathered her thoughts. "I feel like that's also a feeling that no one else can understand, unless they've been to rock bottom and come back. That thankful, happy, appreciative of life feeling."
As Monica paused this time, Dr. Holling did speak, getting that she was done. "And your personal life?"
Monica smiled at the thought of that. "We'll go with 'amazing' as the adjective to describe that, as well."
"Family? Friends? Boyfriend? Work?" Dr. Holling continued the questioning when Monica failed to elaborate.
Monica laughed, expecting that. "Um, family, as good as it's ever been," she smirked. "Friends are good. Boyfriend is now fiancé, who is good," she added with a grin. She and grown closer and closer to Chandler at the beginning of her recovery, and a few months into it, had realized some long-standing, underlying feelings she had for him, and was all but positive he had for her. Neither of them had said a word, though, for well over a year, knowing that she needed to work on her relationship with herself before a relationship with someone else. One late night, though, when he came over after she got off work, they had stayed up all night talking out on her balcony. They talked until the sun came up, both about things they already knew about each other, and secrets they had never told to anyone else. And as the sun rose over the city, she kissed him. And neither of them had spent a night alone since.
"Congratulations," Dr. Holling returned her grin, letting Monica continue.
"Work is good," she smiled. "Life is good," she added with a shrug. "I just feel…at peace with myself lately. A kind of peace that I've never felt in my life, even before."
Dr. Holling flipped her notebook closed, setting it and her pen down on the table. "So, all of the struggle, how hard it's all been, it's all worth it?"
"It's the hardest battle ever worth fighting," Monica agreed, whole-heartedly.
"Feels pretty amazing to get to this side of it, huh?" Dr. Holling smiled, hands crossed as she leaned forward.
Monica smiled, not sure what other word to use to describe it. "Yea, feels pretty amazing."
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Just thought I would officially wrap this one up :)
I was originally going to have this be much longer and go through the whole recovery thing, but…I don't know, I just felt like that whole process is so long, and it's hard to get all of the emotions into words and do it any kind of justice…so I hope this is a good wrap up. May 2 (the date I used up there) would be the day I officially decided that I wanted to get help (and also the day I got the words "carpe diem" tattooed on my foot to never forget that feeling of wanting to live), but I relapsed pretty hardcore that fall, so I don't count my length of time in recovery until November (so I am coming up on three years shortly!).
Thank you to all who have read this and reviewed…I know this is far from my most popular fic, but it was amazing to get all of the emotions in this out in words. Thank you all for being a part of that for me. :)