Chapter 7 - In which James and Scorpius discuss sex ed

James Potter had encountered a problem with his plan. After weeks of thinking of it, he had finally found his dark wizard. Unfortunately, Al had yet to do anything actually evil.

Voldemort had been an undeniably evil wizard. He was a murderer, a monster, the sort of person all people hated and feared. Al on the other hand… Well, he was definitely a dick and nobody really liked him, but all he had on him was one kiss with a twelve year old.

So, James decided to wait. He would be patient and wait for Al to actually do something completely evil. And then wham! James would come down upon him with a vengeance.

James was waiting for his brother when Al finally got out of the infirmary. "What do you want?" Al asked, his eyes narrowed.

"I know you're up to something," James said. Actually, James didn't know this. It was just a really good guess. "And I'm going to stop you."

"You're not going to stop anything," Al said. He walked past James, but then turned back to say. "Someday I'm going to be the greatest wizard this world has ever seen."

"Yeah? Well I'm going to be the wizard who defeats the greatest wizard in the world, making me the new greatest wizard in the world by default!"

"…Is that the best comeback you could come up with?" Al asked.

"Um… I'm really tired. Nobody can come up with good comebacks when they're tired, you know?"

Al sighed. "Well, I've got some evil deeds to carry out. See you."

James leaned against the wall and sighed. No, so far his plan was definitely not going smoothly.

~*~*~

"What do you need help with again?" Scorpius asked.

"I need help bringing back the dead," Al clarified.

"Bringing back the dead as in… zombies?"

"No. Just bringing them back."

Scorpius shook his head. "You're fucking crackers. You're a bloody nutter. You're…"

"Look, do you want to help or not?"

Scorpius thought for a moment. "Alright. I have nothing better to do."

The two of them walked into the main hall. Immediately, a group of third year girls, upon seeing Scorpius, scream and ran back to their house table.

"Hello, ladies!" Scorpius called, waving to them. They sat down at the Slytherin table. "So… Word has it your brother beat the shit out of you."

"He didn't beat the shit out of me," Al said. He thought for a moment. "Well, at least not literally."

"Tough luck," Scorpius said. "So, what're you going to do to get revenge?"

"I'm going to… I'm going to raise the dead."

"That's your revenge?" Scorpius asked. "No poison? No beheading? No killing curse?"

"No. When I become the greatest wizard in the world and my brother becomes the next Hogwarts janitor, that will be revenge enough."

"Hogwarts has a janitor?"

"You know what I mean."

Scorpius took a gigantic bite of chicken. "Oh my fuck, this is so good. You have to try this. It's better than sex."

"How would you know?" a girl across the table called.

"Yeah, it doesn't count if you do it with yourself!" another girl yelled.

Scorpius looked around. "How did everybody hear me say that?"

"You talk really loud," All said. "I've been meaning to tell you."

"Well, damn," Scorpius said, taking another disgustingly large bite of chicken. When he spoke next, he attempted to speak as quietly as he could, which still wasn't very quiet, but at least nobody around could make out his words exactly. "So, what do you need help with for your bringing back the D-E-A-D plan?"

Al leaned closer towards Scorpius and whispered, "I need help stealing a C-O-R-P-S-E."

"W-E-L-L, shit," said Scorpius.

~*~*~

The first Quiddich match of the season was Gryffindor against Slytherin. Playing against Slytherin was always James' favorite because it always seemed so epic. There just wasn't the same amount of suspense when playing against, say, Hufflepuff.

Over the last two decades, brooms had definitely taken a turn for the worse. Gone were the days when a Quiddich player would be happy to receive a speeding Nimbus 2000. Since then, sure brooms had become faster, but they'd also become smaller. Supposedly small brooms were supposed to make players less likely to run into goal posts, but quite frankly they just looked stupid. It was like riding a feather duster. James' broom was a mere foot and a half long. Under normal conditions, it was clearly a very small broom. But while being ridden on, it just looked like… well… a dick. An erect, six inch dick. And it didn't help that players had to hold onto the tip in order to steer.

"My broomstick's bigger than your broomstick, Potter," Scorpius called from across the field. Scorpius was the Slytherin team's seeker.

"Yeah, well, it's not size that counts, it's how you use it!" Back comeback, James.

During the beginning of the game, James hung lazily over head. There was no point in searching for the golden snitch during the beginning of the game. If the match lasted under half an hour, everyone would be pissed.

James had never understood what the point of the non-seeker players was. In comparison to the other players winning ten points here and there, James could win 150 points just by catching one ball. And to top it off, he would end the game, and everyone knew that a seeker would have to be stupid to catch the snitch while his team wasn't winning. So, every game always came down to who the better seeker was. And James was definitely a better seeker than Scorpius. In fact, Slytherin had never won a game against Gryffindor so long as James had been seeker.

"Hey, Potter," Scorpius said, floating lazily towards him. "So, how about that sister of yours? She's quite a catch, ay?"

"I swear I'll kick you off your fucking broomstick and laugh when you hit the ground so hard you look like a pancake," James growled.

"Or how about that cousin or yours? Rose. Ah, Rose. I swear, I dream about that chest every night."

James rolled his eyes. "Malfoy, you stupid virgin. You don't even know what you're talking about."

"Why does everyone assume that I'm a virgin?" Scorpius whined.

"Because no girl would be stupid enough to get near you," James said. "Let me guess, you've never even kissed anybody, huh?"

"I have so!" Scorpius said. "Plenty!" Actually, he'd only ever kissed one person. Or, more accurately, only one person had ever kissed him, and it had lead to Scorpius avoid the person for nearly a week, going as far as to duck behind statues and garbage cans every time he'd seen Al walking by.

Scorpius frowned. That was a bit sad, wasn't it? His first kiss had been from his psychopathic friend. His psychopathic man-friend.

"Okay, do tell, who have you kissed?" James questioned.

"Your mother," Scorpius said. "And boy, does that bitch know how to use her tongue."

This time James really did try to kick Scorpius off his broom.

Sure enough, neither of them moved for half an hour. They spent that time engaging in awkward conversation. Well, more accurately, Scorpius spent that half hour engaging in awkward conversation and James spent that half hour ignoring Scorpius.

"So, I'm sitting in Charms, and I have this really obvious erection that I'm trying to hide under my desk. So, of course right then Flitwick walks by, and for some reason he's drinking a 7 Up, which he accidentally spills all over my desk and it all floods over onto my pants. So, Flitwick's embarrassed at this point, and he insists on cleaning it up himself. As he's cleaning my desk, he keeps telling me that I should go to the bathroom to get cleaned up, but of course I don't want to get up because then everyone will see this massive boner I'm still supporting. Anyway, then Flitwick offers to clean my pants, too, and he points his wand right at my crotch. And halfway through saying this cleansing charm, his eyes grow really wide and he stops speaking. Then he tells everyone he feels ill and that class is dismissed early. But I still can't just get up with everyone there so I have to wait until every other student is out of the room, and the whole time Flitwick's just staring at me like I'm the fucking devil," Scorpius said.

James sighed. So far, ignoring Scorpius was not helping one bit, because that just meant that the Slytherin talked more. And the more he talked, the stupider things he talked about.

"I swear, the little prick runs away every time he sees me," Scorpius went on. "But it's not like it was my fault. I mean, seriously, what kind of guy doesn't have an occasional boner in class? Unless you spend the whole time thinking about zits and old people the whole time, you're bound to…"

"Why are you still talking?" James butted in. "You've just been talking for half an hour straight and I haven't said a word. Take a hint: I… don't… care."

Scorpius sniffed dryly. "Who says I was talking to you? Maybe I was conversing with one of your girlfriends invisible friends. What's she on about now? Chazzwazzers or something like that."

"Swafholmers," James corrected, immediately feeling sorry that he did.

"Oh, right, Swafholmers. Gee, I sure love Swafholmers. I have a pet Swafholmer you know. Yup, I take him on walks everyday and…"

"Jesus Christ, just shut the fuck up!"

Scorpius looked down. "Hey! The snitch!"

James looked down immediately. Unfortunately, there was nothing to see.

"Ha, ha, made you look," Scorpius taunted. "Anyway, where was I? Oh, right, my point with that story was that it really seems like Hogwarts should have a sex ed class, don't you think? I mean, maybe if everyone was comfortable talking about erections, I wouldn't have to go out of my way to hide them and Flitwick wouldn't be deathly afraid of me. But, of course, we're never going to have a sex ed class here for two reason. The first is that, unless they were teaching sex related magic, they couldn't have the class, because it has nothing to do with spells and potions and whatnot. They don't even teach English. I swear, half the kids here probably don't even know how to read. The education system here really is a travesty. Kids spend their first eleven years being sheltered by their parents and only being taught what their parents want to teach them, and then they come here and just learn how to turn rats into cups. I've never once had a science class, you know that? Someone said the word 'evolution' the other day and I had no fucking clue what they were talking about. I don't see why we wouldn't learn science, though. Wizards in general aren't a particularly religious bunch. You'd think they'd be open to the idea of it at least. Anyway, then the second reason we're never going to have a sex ed class here is because there are a lot of people like my parents who spend their whole lives with sticks up their asses and would absolutely forbid to have the word 'penis' mentioned in Hogwarts because it's simply too vulgar."

James looked up. "Do you not get along with your parents?"

"Well, my dad just sort of sits there and stares at walls," Scorpius said. "So, he's easy to get along with. But my mom, boy can she yell. You know, one time I walked into the house wearing this pink 'I heart Muggles' shirt just to be an asshole. My dad, of course, didn't even notice. My mom went berserk, though, telling me to take it off before anyone saw and I shamed my family even further. Unfortunately, right then my grandparents walked in. Well, good old Grandmother Narcissa pretended to be ill so that she could leave the room, and jolly old Grandfather Lucius decided that a little cruciates curse was what I needed. So there I am, in my pink fucking 'I heart Muggles' shirt, rolling around on the ground and screaming, and when it's finally over my father looks away from the wall and says, 'Did I miss something?'"

James was about to respond when Scorpius suddenly leapt forward on his broom. James zoomed after him. James was slightly disoriented, though, keeping him from seeing quite where the golden snitch was. Scorpius reached his arms out and clap! He caught the snitch. He held it up. "I've been playing this stupid fucking game since my second year, and I have never once caught this thing while playing against you. At least I know now, just distract James Potter long enough and he'll forget what he's supposed to be doing."

The Slytherins, and a few students from other houses, were cheering so loud that Scorpius almost couldn't hear the colorful words James was throwing at him.