Chapter 12 - In which James and Nick discuss death and dicks

James was walking with his cousin Rose. "All I'm saying is, I think Al's up to something, and I need help finding out what."

"Are you completely stupid?" Rose asked.

"Um, I don't think so?" James replied.

"Why would your brother do anything to put Lily into the hospital?"

"…Because he's evil?"

"James, you're just grasping at straws. You have no proof that he's up to anything and I'm not going to help you."

"But we need you, Rose!" James said. "You're really, really smart and stuff. Like you said, I'm stupid. I can't do this on my own."

"No, no, no, don't think that you're really going to flatter me into doing this," Rose said. "He's your brother. You should just try to get along with him."

"That's like telling Jesus he should just try to get along with Satan because, after all, they are brothers," James spat.

"Well, maybe Jesus should," Rose said. "It's silly to hold grudges."

James muttered something and then walked off. Rose turned to leave to her dormitory, but she heard a faint whimper from down the hall. She walked down to the room at the farthest end of the hall. The room had been the old Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, before they had moved the class to a larger room. Currently, the abandoned classroom was used mainly as a make out room, but Rose decided to enter the room anyway, against her better judgment. She walked into the room and found Scorpius Malfoy on the ground.

"'Allo, darling," Scorpius said, blood dribbling down his mouth. "Want to come join me here on the ground? Mind the glass."

"Scorpius, what happened to you?" Rose asked, stooping down next to him.

"You smell nice. What kind of shampoo do you use?"

"Seriously, Scorpius, who did this to you?"

"Did what?"

"You're lying on the ground with bruises on you, coughing up blood," Rose said. "Don't tell me you fell off of your chair or something."

Scorpius shrugged. "I think I pissed myself, too. Would you mind taking off my pants?"

Rose sighed. She attempted to help Scorpius stand up, but he just collapsed again. "I think I should just lay here for a while…" Scorpius said.

Rose pulled out her wand and performed a cleansing spell. "There. At least now you don't have so much blood and urine on you."

"…This is embarrassing," Scorpius said. "Here, let me just remember how to use my legs, and I'll be up in a jiffy."

"Here, let me get a teacher," Rose said, she began to stand up, but Scorpius tugged at her robe, encouraging her to sit back down.

"Honestly, I'd really rather not bring a teacher into this," Scorpius said. "I've been in this position before. If you wade it out long enough, it doesn't hurt so much."

"Will you just tell me what happened?" Rose asked.

"Well, I'd rather not, if it's all the same as you," Scorpius said, twitching.

"What are you doing?" Rose asked.

Twitch, twitch. "Um, nothing. I have some nerve… issues. It'll stop in a little bit." Twitch, twitch, twitch. "On the plus side, I stabbed my grandfather in the neck." Hee hee hee…

"He did this to you?" Rose asked, her eyes as wide as saucers.

"Well, you know how old pure blood families are…" Twitch, twitch.

"Actually, I don't. But I still don't think this is normal."

Scorpius shrugged. "Two more years and I'm off on my own." Twitchity, twitchity, twitch.

Rose sat Scorpius' head on her thighs. "Just rest for a while, okay?"

Scorpius grinned. "You have nice thighs. Very squishy."

Rose rolled her eyes. What on earth had she gotten herself into?

~*~*~

Al sat in his dorm, thinking about Lily. He wondered, of course, if he had done the right thing, bringing her back. But every time he saw her deep green eyes or her shining red hair… there was no doubt in his mind that he had made the right decision.

The door swung open and Scorpius entered the room. He was hobbling a bit, and his once bloody lip was swollen, but Al didn't seem to notice. "What are you brooding about now?" Scorpius asked, flopping down onto his bed.

"I'm not brooding," Al said. "I'm just thinking about things."

"I came this close to feeling up your cousin," Scorpius said, holding his thumb and index finger half an inch apart.

"Hugo?"

"What? No. Rose." Twitch.

Al rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I'm sure."

"I'm serious," Scorpius said. "I had my head resting on her thighs and she was all like, 'I want you, Scorpius, you kinky sex devil!'" Twitch, twitch.

"Why do I seriously doubt that?" Al asked.

"Well, she didn't actually say it, but I could tell she totally wanted some dick action from big Uncle Scorpius." Twitch, twitch.

"Why do you keep twitching like that?" Al asked.

Twitch, twitch, twitch. "Shit. Am I still doing that?"

"I can make you a potion to help you with that," Al said. "It should take away some of the pain, too."

"…Thanks." Scorpius had told Al before about Lucius using the cruciates curse on him, and how as time went on the curse seemed to cause Scorpius to have less and less control over his body, hence the twitching. Still, Scorpius was embarrassed every time Al acknowledged anything about his grandfather's abuse.

"Maybe you should have gone with the 'Death Eaters are just cranky' shirt," Al said.

"Definitely." Twitchity, twitch.

"I'll make you extra potion if you'd like, in case you're still feeling bad tomorrow."

"…Okay." Scorpius said, looking down at his feet. Scorpius wasn't one of those boys who pretended to be strong, but he hated coming off as weak. "On the plus side, I stabbed him in the neck," Scorpius said. "That ought to keep him away for a while."

"If I make you the potion for your nerves, will you do a favor for me?" Al asked.

Twitch, twitch. "I suppose."

"Will you help me to bring back Scorpius."

Twitch, twitch, twitch. "You mean the old pedophile my insane mother named me after?"

"The very same."

"Why would you want to bring him back."

"I don't really," Al said. "I just want to experiment some on bringing people back to life before I bring back any other important people."

"Well, I'm not doing it," Scorpius said, twitching. "I don't want to become known as Coma Boy."

"You won't become comatose," Al sighed. "You're stronger than Lily is. If anything, it'll probably just make you a little queasy."

"I'm already a little queasy," Scorpius said, trying to keep his body from spazzing. "If I get anymore queasy, I'll probably just fall over dead."

"Don't you want to be free of his soul, though?" Al asked. "It's the name. Your mother named you after some crazy old pervert, and now a small piece of him is living inside of you. Wouldn't it be better to get that bit of him out of you, so that you can finally be your own person."

Twitch. "Do you suppose that's why I always say such awkward things?" Scorpius asked. "Do you suppose there's some sex crazed son of a bitch in me that makes me go into molester mode every time a girl is around?"

"Possibly," Al said. "Or maybe you really are just a pervert."

"Yeah, probably," Scorpius said. "But maybe it would be nice to get his soul as far away from me just in case."

"Tomorrow night, we'll bring him back," Al said.

Twitch. "Sounds good."

"I'll go whip up that potion for you," Al said. He stood up and headed for the door. Before he left, he turned back and asked Scorpius, "How did dear old Uncle Scorpius die, anyway?"

"Funny story, actually," Scorpius said, his neck spazzing. "He was using one of those blow up sex dolls, but he was pretty old and frail at this point, so he accidentally slipped off his bed right before coming and ended up breaking his hip."

"…That's not a funny story."

Scorpius shrugged. "Makes me laugh."

Al raised an eyebrow. "Well, I'm going to make you that potion now. I'll be back."

"Try to hurry," Scorpius said. "I look like I'm having a seizure or something."

"Alright, bye."

Twitch.

~*~*~

James sat in the Gryffindore common room. It was late at this point, and everyone else had gone to bed. He liked being alone, though. It gave him time to think things over.

Unfortunately, he wasn't alone for long. Nearly Headless Nick suddenly appeared in the room. "Good morning, James!"

"It's midnight," James said.

"Hmm? Oh, right. Well, it's a bit hard to tell, when you're a ghost. We never sleep, so our internal clocks are always off by a few hours," Nick said.

Nick sat down next to James. James wondered why, seeing as ghosts could just sort of hover around and this didn't need to sit. But he finally came to the conclusion that Nick was sitting in order to make James feel more comfortable with the situation. It's easy to forget that somebody's dead when they act just like the living.

"I sent in an application again to join the Headless Hunt. I think this just might be my year."

"Nick, you've been sending in applications to that dork ass club for decades," James said. "Just face it: they're never going to let you in."

Nick sniffed dryly, which James knew was just for show, because ghosts don't breath. "Well, then."

James sighed. "I didn't mean it that way. Of course they should let you in, but if they haven't let you in after all this time, they're just not going to." Nick still looked hurt. "Look, you don't need those elitist assholes anyway. How about you make your own club? For, you know, people with nearly severed heads…"

"Nobody would join," Nick said. "I only know one other ghost with a nearly severed head, and I haven't seen her in years."

"Well, what if you extended the club so that all moderately dismembered ghosts could apply?" James asked. "Even ghosts with partially severed arms, or partially severed dicks, or whatever."

"Dicks?" Nick asked.

"Come on, Nick, just because you're over two hundred years dead isn't any excuse not to know what a dick is."

"It's so difficult, keeping up with modern language," Nick said. "Tell me, what is a dick?"

James smirked. "Ask Professor Longbottom. I'm sure he'll be just happy to tell you." Okay, that was moderately evil, but James still smiled as he imagined Neville Longbottom's shocked face as an nearly headless ghost asked him to explain what a dick was.

"I'll ask first thing in the morning," Nick said.

James stifled his mouth to keep from laughing. He cleared his throat and forced his grin down. "Nick, can I ask you a question?"

"Ask away."

"Why did you choose to become a ghost?"

Nick shrugged. "I suppose I just didn't like the idea of being dead."

"How come?"

"For all the troubles the world has, I would never want to be rid of it," Nick replied. "I love this earth. Everything from eating a fine meal to wooing a young maiden to simply sitting outside and feeling the warm sun on your back. Of course, I can't really do most of these things anymore, but I can do enough to make myself happy."

"When you die and go to Heaven or wherever, aren't you supposed to be happy, though?" James asked.

"Presumably, yes," Nick responded. "But in Heaven I imagine there would be no pain, no sadness. And, as odd as it may seem, I enjoy the bad things in life a great deal, because they help me to better appreciate the good things. Without pain and suffering, we would forget what true happiness is. Of course, I do wonder from time to time whether or not I made the right decision when I chose to stay on this earth, but in the end I don't regret it."

"Do you believe in Heaven?" James asked.

"Do you?"

James shook his head. "I don't think I even believe in God. I mean, I'd like to believe in a god, in some sort of super powerful being who can help me and who can keep my family safe, but deep down, I just don't feel that he's there."

Nick nodded. "I suppose I have doubt as well."

"Maybe we do need pain in this world. But while there is pain, there can't be a god," James said. "I just can't let myself believe that any god would allow sisters to fall into comas and brothers to become evil."

Nick looked at James curiously, but said nothing.

"'God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers?'" James quoted.

"Who said that?" Nick asked.

James shrugged. "Some German guy, I think."

James and Nick sat back, staring into the fireplace and watching as the fire in front of them slowly died.