Chapter 13 - In which Al attempts to explain the internet

"So… Pancakes or waffles?" Scorpius asked.

"God, both," Lily said. "I haven't had either in forty years."

Scorpius handed Lily the plate of waffles and pancakes he had taken from the table this morning at breakfast. Al had asked him if he would look after Lily that morning, since Al had an early class to get to and Scorpius didn't (since Scorpius had chosen to take as few classes as he could possibly get away with).

Lily bit into the syrup drenched waffle. "Oh, God, I love waffles! I forgot how much I love waffles!"

"Tell me about it," Scorpius said, snagging one of the pancakes from Lily's plate.

"Say, what's your name?" Lily asked.

"Scorpius Malfoy."

Lily laughed. "Nice. Your parents must really love you."

Twitch.

"You think that's bad, you should hear my full name," Scorpius said.

"Do tell," Lily said.

"Scorpius Hyperion Eridanus Orion Cepheus Gellert Malfoy."

"…Holy crap."

"Yeah, I know. Usually when people ask what my middle name is, I just tell them one of them. It reduces the amount of strange looks I get on a daily basis," Scorpius said.

"I'll bet," Lily said, biting into one of her pancakes. "Say, any relation to Lucius Malfoy?"

"Grandfather," Scorpius replied. Twitch, twitch.

"He was a few years ahead of me at Hogwarts," Lily said. "Boy, was he a real prick…"

"I suppose some things never change," Scorpius shrugged.

"I don't mean any offense," Lily said. "You seem nice enough. But that grandfather of yours was King Dickweed."

Scorpius grinned, munching on a waffle he'd taken from Lily's plate. "I'll be sure to pass that along." He paused a moment. "You're in history books, you know that?"

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. I'll bring you one if you'd like. Of course, you're usually only a couple of sentences. 'Lily Potter died to save her son Harry Potter, the end.' But you're still there, nonetheless."

"Wild," Lily said, licking syrup off of her fingers.

"The history books always make you seem like this heavenly Virgin Mary or whoever, actually," Scorpius went on. "I bet those writers never saw you slurping syrup off of your hands."

Lily shrugged. "Even the Virgin Mary must have loved waffles."

"Why did you do it? Save your son, I mean," Scorpius said. "You could have just bailed. But instead you stayed and got fried. It's not like you knew that sacrificing yourself was going to save him, right?"

Lily shrugged. "I love Harry. Before he was born, I never knew I could love anyone ask much as I loved him. If you ever find yourself loving someone that much, you'll understand why a person would rather die than watch someone they love be killed. So, no, I didn't know that my dying would keep Harry alive. But I let myself be killed anyway, because I knew that I couldn't live without him."

"I don't think I've ever loved anyone that much," Scorpius said, helping himself to a second waffle. "Not nearly. Ol' Voldy walks into the room and threatens to kill everyone I like, I'm out of here." He paused for a moment, chewing his waffle loudly. "I don't think either of my parents would have done it. Died for me, I mean."

"You can't know that," Lily said.

"But I do," Scorpius said. "They would have let Lord Voldy zap me into oblivion without a second's hesitation."

Lily's eyebrows furrowed. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Scorpius said. "That's just life. Some people are self sacrificing martyrs, and some people are selfish pricks. End of story."

Lily cleared her throat. "You know, I'm locked in here," she said, changing the subject.

"Oh, did Al do some sort of binding spell? Sorry about that. Guess he just didn't want you running off," Scorpius said. "I mean, can you imagine what would happen if you did? Everyone would assume that you were some rejuvenated inferi or whatever."

"I suppose," Lily said. "It's just that I really want to see Harry."

"You will," Scorpius said. Twitch. "Once Al calms down a little."

"He's very… intense."

"Try fucking psychotic," Scorpius said, biting down hard on his crunchy waffle. "I mean, I love the guy, but the fact that he brought you back in the first place has gotta be proof enough that he has one foot in the crazy house."

"I think he has good intentions," Lily said. "I don't see any malevolence in his actions."

"Yeah, I mean, he's basically harmless, I think. But that doesn't stop the fact that he's a raging psychoholic." Scorpius licked his very syrupy fingers. "Sometimes I really think it would have been easier if I had chosen a less insane person to be best friends with."

"Maybe it's good that he found you, though," Lily said. "You seem like a good enough person, and he needs a good person to be his friend right now. Me, I was never a good friend. The second things got tense between my friends and myself, I would just abandon them and move on to somebody else. You can't do that, though." Lily's green eyes met Scorpius' gray ones. "Promise me you won't abandon Al. I think he needs you a lot right now."

"Yeah, no problem, lady," Scorpius said, heading for the door.

"I mean it," Lily called after him. "Keep your friends close. Don't let them get away, not even for a second."

Scorpius left, leaving Lily with an empty plate and sticky hands.

James was with his cousin Rose when he found the Mirror of Erised. The two of them had been wandering around together after all of their classes had ended for the day when they came upon it. The mirror was located in a little room behind the restricted section of the library (which really wasn't so restricted anymore, as the now blind and senile librarian Irma Pince didn't seem to care who went into what section of the library anymore).

Rose loved the library. Of course, this earned her the title of Princess Nerd in the Weasley family, her mother Hermione being Queen Nerd. But she didn't care. She loved books, even the terrible ones in the restriction section.

James didn't care much for books. It was quicker just to watch the movie. And, yes, by this point in time, the wizarding world had become moderately familiar with films. James' favorite movie was The Little Mermaid, but don't tell anyone I told you.

"My father told me about this mirror before," James said.

"Mine, too," Rose replied. "Do you suppose it would be alright if we looked into it?"

James grinned. "Rose, you're the only person I know who would even question whether or not we should."

As a matter of fact, she was. Of the many students who had discovered the Mirror of Erised over the past years, Rose really was the only one to wonder if perhaps it wasn't wise to look into it.

James approached the mirror. What he saw didn't surprise him. There he was, standing next to his father, who was just beaming with pride over his son. "Too bad this thing can't tell the future," James muttered.

"What do you see?" Rose asked.

"You first."

"Me, winning the Rita Skeeter Literature Award, two years in a row," Rose said. "Now you."

"Me, single handedly winning the Quiddich World Cup."

They were both lying, naturally.

"It's sort of sad, isn't it?" Rose asked. "Knowing what you want, but never being able to get it."

"The Mirror of Erised," James began, "Is just one big, fat demon bitch."

"Here, here," Rose said, though she didn't care much for James' phrasing.

"Alright, let's see if this works," Al said.

"This is the stupidest idea I've ever heard," Scorpius said.

"I agree," Lily said. "It is really stupid."

"Sometimes even the stupidest ideas can still be effective," Al said. He pointed his wand in the air. "Accio, Scorpius' corpse."

Here was the plan: they were going to bring back Scorpius great uncle, Scorpius. And while they would need Scorpius 1's body to do this, going out to retrieve the bones would simply be too much of a hassle. So, as a last resort, Al decided to use a simple summoning spell on the corpse.

"Why do we want to bring him back again?" Lily asked.

"While we have the power to bring back the dead," Al began, "It would be cruel not to extend that offer to as many as we possibly can. I've thought about it, and I figure that we should bring back as many people as possible, with the exception of those who died naturally."

"And dear Uncle Scorpius died about as unnaturally as you can, so…" Scorpius muttered.

On one hand, Lily was wary about raising the dead. But, on the other hand, it sure did feel great to be alive again. "While you're at it, can you summon me some decent robes?" Lily asked. The dress she had been buried in had all but disintegrated, so at the moment she was wearing Scorpius' rubber ducky bath robe.

"I'll bring you back some clothes this weekend from Hogsmead," Al said. "For now, your duck robe will have to do."

Lily shrugged. At least she had matching slippers.

"Where did you say he was buried again?" Al asked Scorpius.

"Um… Either in England… Scotland… or Mexico," Scorpius replied. "So, it might take a while for his body to get here."

Al checked his watch. "What should we do in the mean time."

They settled on playing Guess Who? "Does he have red hair?" Scorpius asked.

"Nope," Lily replied. Scorpius flipped down the plastic cards of the characters with red hair. "Does she wear glasses?" Lily asked.

"Yup," Scorpius replied. Lily responded by turning down the characters without glasses.

"Is it just me, or is this the most inane game ever invented?" Al asked.

"Probably," Scorpius replied. "I just bought it to bug dear ol' Grandpa Lucius. It was the only muggle game I could find in Knockturn Alley."

"…You bought Guess Who? from Knockturn Alley?" Al asked.

"Yeah. It used to be cursed. The little characters would come to life and pull people's teeth and hair out," Scorpius said.

Lily laughed.

"I'm not joking," Scorpius said. "You can buy some seriously fucked up stuff in Knockturn Alley."

"You should have just bought a game online," Al said. "That way you could've gotten something more dignified like… I don't' know, Monopoly or whatever."

"Online?" Scorpius and Lily said together.

"You know… The internet? The web? Myspace? …Porn?"

"Porn?" Scorpius asked. "I know what that is. I found some old porno mags in my dad's study room. They were really scandalous. They showed women in their underwear."

"Doing what?" Al asked.

"Um… Just standing there, I guess."

Al rolled his eyes. "That's wizards for you. You can find more shocking things in the Sears catalogue."

"Sears?" Scorpius asked.

"Nevermind," Al sighed.

"This entire conversation is immensely awkward," Lily said. "You're not supposed to talk about porn in front of your grandmother."

"So wait… There's porn on this 'online' thingy?" Scorpius asked.

"Yes, lots," Al said, rolling his eyes.

"Wow… Now how would I go about buying this 'internet' you speak of?" Scorpius went on.

Al's eyes just about rolled to the back of his head. "I swear, Scorpius, if any muggles were listening in on this conversation, they'd thing you were retarded."

Scorpius ignored Al. "Yes. I must definitely buy this 'web' thing you're talking about."

"I am so confused," Lily said. "What's an interweb?"

Right then Scorpius 1's corpse flew through the window.

"Great, let's get this over with," Al said.

It wasn't difficult, setting up the scene they had used to bring back Lilly Evans to life. The big problem came with getting Scorpius to carry out his end of the spell.

"Come on, you said you would," Al said.

"Yeah, but what if my want accidentally slips and I end up Avada Kedavra-ing one of you?" Scorpius said.

"Then name somebody after one of us and make them bring us back," Al replied, exasperated.

"Okay, okay, fine," Scorpius said. Twitch. "Avada Kedavra."

There was a flash of light. Scopius let out a scream and fell to the ground. He curled into a small ball, twitching terribly. "Shit, shit, shit…"

Al tried to get Scorpius to hold still while Lily threw the invisibility cloak off of Scorpius 1.

The old man coughed some and then opened his eyes. He looked up at Lily. "Hello, beautiful," he croaked, licking his lips.

"I'm so not sharing a room with him," Lily said.

Al came over to the old man. "How does your hip feel?"

"Broken," the old man wheezed. "Maybe that lovely lady over there could help me pop it into place…"

Al raised an eyebrow. "Maybe this was a bad idea…"

Scorpius sat up. He was twitching like mad, but he wasn't in a coma, which was definitely a plus.

At Hogsmead that Saturday, James and Rose came across Scorpius standing in front of Zonkos, several people standing around him and looking at whatever was in his hands.

"It's called a 'cell phone,'" Scorpius said. "It's used to talk to people who aren't anywhere near you."

"Why not just use a Patronus?" James said.

"Because this is so much easier!" Scorpius exclaimed. "Look! It had 'texting.'"

"How'd you get one?" Denise Creevey squeaked.

"Al bought it for me for doing him a favor," Scorpius replied.

Everyone around raised their eyebrows.

"Um… Not like that." Scorpius looked back down on at the phone. "And look! It can even go on the 'interweb!'"

"Ooooh," the group around him replied, though most of them didn't actually know what he was talking about.

"It's amazing, the things you can find online," Scorpius went on. "I actually found this video of two girls…"

"Really, now, Scorpius," Rose said, cutting him off.

"Oh! And I created a 'Myspace' thing," Scorpius said. He flipped over his phone to show the others. "See?"

"Myspace .com /sexyscorpius123...?" Rose read.

"Yeah, and how come under occupation it says 'sex god'?" one of the younger students asked.

Scorpius' face reddened. "Uh… You should probably just ignore that part."