DISCLAIMER

All characters from the It Ain't Half Hot Mum series belong to David Croft and Jimmy Perry. (I'm just borrowing them...)

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II.Ohohoho!

(Outside on the parade ground; The members of the concert party are returning from their drill. The Sergeant Major walks onto the parade ground after them.)

Sgt. Major: "Left, right, left, right, left, right, at the double! Right wheel! About turn! Stand at ease."

(The concert party stand at ease, panting and clutching their chests.)

Beaumont: "Sgt. Major, can we please go and freshen up now? We have a to a show this evening…"

Sgt. Major: "Shut up! Yes, you may go. But, lovely boys, remember we is doin' a double drill tomorrow morning, and you is goin' to whitewash them stones around the (h)officers' quarters."

Sugden: "But why, Sgt. Major?"

Sgt. Major: "Because, Lofty boy, you is a bunch of poofs. And nothing is better for a bunch of poofs than doin' drills and whitewashing stones. It makes a man out of you."

(The concert party stare at Lofty in disbelief.)

Sgt. Major: "Or as close to a man as you'll ever get from being a fat little mushroom. Fall out, move yourselves!"

(The concert party fall out and disappear into their quarters. Rangi enters the parade ground, running.)

Rangi: "Sgt. Major sahib! Sgt. Major sahib!"

Sgt. Major: "Shut up! What does you think you is doin' bearer! You is not supposed to yell and run about on the parade ground what you 'as not been told to yell and run about on the parade ground. Depot orders clearly state…"

Rangi: "But sahib, I have found you new dhobi wallah!"

Sgt. Major: "SHUT…you 'ave found what?"

Rangi: "New dhobi wallah, sahib. Very good dhobi wallah, sahib."

Sgt. Major: "Well, that's very quick, bearer, well done."

Rangi: "Thank you, Sgt. Major sahib. Oh blimey, it makes me so proud when you say I've done well…ohohoho!"

Sgt. Major: "Shut up."

Rangi: "Yes, Sgt. Major sahib. Only one more thing, sahib, about new dhobi wallah."

Sgt. Major: (sighs) "Yes, what is it?"

Rangi: "New dhobi wallah is not dhobi wallah."

Sgt. Major: "What are you on about, bearer?"

Rangi: "Don't be cross, Sgt. Major sahib, only little problem is that she…"

Sgt. Major: "SHE!"

Rangi: "Oh, blimey…"

Sgt. Major: "SHUT UP! The new dhobi wallah is a native WOMAN!"

Rangi: "No, Sgt. Major sahib."

Sgt. Major: "Then why did you tell me that?"

Rangi: "Aah, but I did not tell you that, Sgt. Major sahib."

Sgt. Major: "You just said 'she'!"

Rangi: "Aah yes, Sgt. Major sahib, but she is not native woman, isn't it? She is British woman."

Sgt. Major: (exploding with anger) "WHAT!"

(Captain Ashwood enters from the Officers' Quarters.)

Ashwood: "I say, Sgt. Major, what is all this noise about? I'm trying to write a romantic letter to my wife, and all that shouting is rather disturbing."

Sgt. Major: "The bearer 'as just 'ired a British woman to do our laundry, sir."

Ashwood: "Has he?"

(Captain Ashwood looks at Rangi.)

Rangi: "Aah yes, Captain sahib. She is very…"

Sgt. Major: "SHUT UP! You speak when you're spoken to, bearer!"

Ashwood: "Now, look here, Sgt. Major. All this shouting is playing havoc with my nerves, I do wish you'd be a bit more subtle."

Sgt. Major: (looking extremely annoyed) "I'm sorry, sir."

Ashwood: "Now then, bearer. Tell me something about this whole dhobi business."

Rangi: "Thank you, Captain sahib." (clears his throat very disgustingly) "She is British woman who lives near village, isn't it? She used to help the native farmers negotiate with us British, but then she got sent away by ignorant coolies, who do not like us British, isn't it?"

Ashwood: "So she had nowhere to go and you offered her a job as our dhobi wallah? Well, I think that's jolly nice of you, bearer."

Rangi: "Thank you, Captain Ashwood sahib."

Ashwood: "You can go and bring her here, and we'll all have a nice chat and get to know each other."

Rangi: "Yes, Captain Ashwood sahib!"

(Rangi runs off and leaves the parade ground.)

Sgt. Major: (obviously very angry) "Permission to speak, sir?"

Ashwood: "Oh yes, of course. But no permission to shout. I've got very sensitive nerves, you know."

Sgt. Major: "Yes, sir. If you don't mind my saying so, sir, this is a disgrace."

Ashwood: "What on earth do you mean, Sgt. Major?"

Sgt. Major: "We can't 'ire a British woman to do our laundry, sir. It's not proper."

Ashwood: "Back in Britain, British women do our laundry all the time!"

Sgt. Major: "But not in India, sir, it's not…"

Ashwood: "Oh, don't be ridiculous, Sgt. Major, there is no difference between laundry in Britain and laundry in India. Except for a few sweaty stains…"

Sgt. Major: "But, sir, she's a deserter, she's on the side of the natives, helpin' them negotiate…"

Ashwood:"I don't want to hear another word about it, Sgt. Major, until we've actually met her. By Jove, I may be a bit of a silly arse now and then, but I can tell right from wrong, you know. Now, let's go inside the Officers' Quarters and wait for Rangi to bring her in."

Sgt. Major: (very reluctantly) "Yes, sir. But I 'ave to tell you, sir, I do not agree with that woman coming here."

Ashwood: "Just wait until you've met her, Sgt. Major. You can't judge people if you've never met them, you know."

(They enter the Officers' Quarters. Colonel Reynolds is sitting behind his desk. They salute him.)

Reynolds: "Ah, hello Ashwood, Sgt. Major. What was all that fuss about?"

Ashwood: "Oh, it'll all become clear to you in a minute, sir. Sit down , please, Sgt. Major."

(Ashwood sits down behind his desk, and the Sgt. Major pulls up a chair between the two desks.)

Sgt. Major: (still angry) "Thank you, sir."

(Reynolds, Ashwood and the Sgt. Major look at each other for a few seconds, not knowing what to say to each other. Rangi knocks on the door of the Officers' Quarters, and they look relieved. Rumzan sticks his head through the window and points at the door.)

Rumzan: (speaks a few sentences in Urdu) "…very nice legs. Ow!"

(Rumzan, who has obviously just been kicked by Rangi, falls down and disappears from the window.)

Rangi: (from outside) "How dare you! Don't be such Clever Dickie and sit up straight when you are punkah-ing!"

Reynolds: "You can come in now, bearer."

Rangi: (from outside) "Yes, Colonel sahib!"

(Rangi holds the door open as a woman in her mid-twenties enters, dressed in a pink cotton sari.)

Rangi: "Colonel sahib, Captain sahib, Sgt. Major sahib, this is new dhobi wallah."

(Reynolds gets up and shakes hands with her.)

Reynolds: "I'm Colonel Reynolds, welcome to the Royal Artillery Depot, Miss…erm…"

Anna: "Hastings, sir. Anna Hastings."

Reynolds: "Miss Hastings." (to Ashwood) "Come on, Ashwood, be a bit more polite."

Ashwood: "Oh yes, I'm sorry sir, I can be such a silly arse sometimes." (shakes hands with Mary) "I'm Captain Ashwood, jolly nice to meet you."

Anna: "Nice to meet you, sir."

Reynolds: "And this is Sgt. Major Williams."

(The Sgt. Major has been staring at Anna since the moment she came in, and continues to do so. They all stare back at him.)

Reynolds: "Sgt. Major?" (much louder) "Sgt. Major!"

(The Sgt. Major snaps out of his trance.)

Sgt. Major: "Oh, yes, I'm sorry, sir."

(He gets up and almost shyly shakes Anna's hand, blushing.)

Sgt. Major: (almost inaudibly) "How do you do, miss…"

Anna: "Very well, thank you, sir. It's nice to meet you."

(The camera turns towards Rangi in a close-up.)

Rangi: (to camera) "There is one very old Hindu proverb, which say 'Beautiful tiger is much more difficult to kill than ugly tiger,' isn't it?" (wiggles his head wisely)

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...to be continued.