DISCLAIMER

All characters from the It Ain't Half Hot Mum series belong to David Croft and Jimmy Perry. (I'm just borrowing them...)

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III. And see a show for

(Inside the Concert Party's Quarters; everyone is gathered around the piano, ready to sing.)

Beaumont: "Right, so let's have a go. Take it away, Paderewski!"

(Gunner Graham, plays the intro on the piano.)

All: (singing) "There'll be blue birds over the white cliffs of Dover…"

Beaumont: "Hang on, stop, stop!"

Sugden: "What's wrong, Gloria?"

Beaumont: "It's a mess! We can't do this song as one big choir, we'll need one lead singer who does Vera Lynn and the rest can do backing vocals or something."

Graham: "Just a minute Gloria, we can't let Lofty be the lead singer again, he's already doing three other songs practically on his own, as well as Land of Hope and Glory at the end. I think you should let the others do something as well, or just cancel this act."

Mackintosh: "Yeah, all I'm doing so far is my strong man act and standing about, dressed up as Ruby Keeler during the Dames number."

Parkins: "It's not fair to let Lofty do all those nice songs, I can sing too, you know."

Beaumont: "But Lofty has always been our lead singer! Suddenly everyone wants to be the producer! Well, I've got news for you: I'm the producer, sweethearts!"

Lofty: "I don't mind, Gloria…"

Beaumont: (hysterically) "I'm the bombardier and I decide who does what around here! I'm a sensitive artist, how am I supposed to work like this!"

(Beaumont runs out, the camera follows onto the parade ground. Beaumont leaves the ground through the gates, the camera stays. Reynolds and Ashwood, who don't notice Beaumont at all, are standing there.)

Reynolds: "So, Ashwood, I hear our new dhobi lady is at it right now."

Ashwood: "I beg your pardon, sir?"

Reynolds: "She's doing our laundry down by that little river."

Ashwood: "Ah, I see sir. Laundry. For a moment there, I thought you meant…"

Reynolds: "Oh, don't be such a silly arse, Ashwood."

(The Sgt. Major enters the parade ground.)

Ashwood: "Ah, Sgt. Major."

Sgt. Major: (saluting Reynolds and Ashwood) "Sir."

Ashwood: "I hear the new dhobi lady is at it right now."

Sgt. Major: (stunned) "At it, sir?"

Ashwood: "Washing."

Sgt. Major: (relieved) "Ah, of course, sir."

Reynolds: "So you got over this aversion against the idea of having a British lady do our laundry then, Sgt. Major?"

Sgt. Major: (looking at his feet) "Not completely, sir, but I think she's very erm…symphastatic, and we ought to give her a chance."

Reynolds: "Well, I must say I think that's very kind, Sgt. Major."

Ashwood: "Yes, jolly good."

Sgt. Major: "Thank you, sir. Now, if you don't mind I'm going to check what the char-wallah is up to and inspect his char urn, sir." (salutes them)

Reynold: "Very well, Sgt Major."

(The Sgt. Major leaves the parade ground. Cut to Anna, washing uniforms on some rocks by a jungle stream. Beaumont enters, looking distressed.)

Anna: (singing very beautifully) "There'll be blue birds over the white cliffs of Dover, tomorrow, just you wait and see…" (she sees Beaumont) "Hello, Bombardier."

Beaumont: (surprised) "Who are you?"

Anna: "I'm your new dhobi-wallah."

Beaumont: "Oh. Did you, erm…get the stains out of my Ginger Rogers dress? Blood stains are awfully hard to shift. I tripped over Parkins' ventriloquist dummy, he had left it lying about on the stage…they're a bunch of flipping amateurs…"

Anna: "Yes, I got them out! I just soaked it a bit longer than I usually would, and it looks fine now." (she picks up a blue dress from behind her) "Look."

Beaumont: (very happily) "Oh, thank you! Thank you so much!"

Anna: "You're welcome, it's nothing."

Beaumont: "Nothing? You just saved me, sweetheart!"

Anna: "So everything's okay for the show tonight?"

Beaumont: "Oh, I wish it were… I still have to decide on the Vera Lynn act…"

Anna: "Oh, I love Vera Lynn!" (starts singing again) "The shepherd will tend his sheep, the valley will bloom again…"

Beaumont: "Yes, she's marvellous, isn't she?"

Anna: "I hope you'll be able to solve whatever problems you have with the act. Can I come and watch you tonight?"

Beaumont: "Of course, sweetheart, we'd love that! I'll save you a good seat. But I must be off now. Bye!"

(Beaumont starts walking away from her.)

Anna: "Bye!" (starts singing again) "There'll be blue birds over the white cliffs of Dover…"

(Beaumont stops, finally realizing he has found the solution. Cut to the officers' quarters. Reynolds, Ashwood and the Sergeant Major are there.)

Ashwood: "So what you are saying, Sgt. Major, is that Bombardier Beaumont has put the new dhobi lady into the show?"

Sgt. Major: "That is correct, sir. And I do not agree with none of it."

Reynolds: "Oh, don't start all that again, Sgt. Major."

Sgt. Major: "With all due respect, sir, we 'ave never let the bearer or the char-wallah or the punkah-wallah join the show, so why would a dhobi-wallah be admitted?"

Ashwood: "Bombardier Beaumont has had an awfully hard time deciding on that Vera Lynn act. I think we should turn a blind eye this time, you know."

Sgt. Major: "But sir, I…"

Reynolds: "No, Sgt. Major, I agree with Captain Ashwood. The matted is closed. I don't know what your problem is with Anna, you've been acting very strangely ever since she arrived. But I don't want to hear anything else about this."

Sgt. Major: (agreeing reluctantly) "Sir."

(Someone knocks on the door. Rumzan sticks his head through the window again.)

Rumzan: (speaks a few sentences in Urdu) "…too good to be true. Ow!"

(Rumzan falls down and disappears from the window. Rangi has obviously kicked him again.)

Rangi: "Stop being rude, you damn fool! And sit up straight when you are punkah-ing!"

(Rangi and sticks his head through the window.)

Rangi: "Memsahib Anna is outside, Sgt. Major sahib."

Sgt. Major: "SHUT UP! You don't 'ave to stick your head through that window every time someone is outside! We already 'eard her knocking on the door!"

Rangi: "Yes, Sgt. Major sahib. I am now shut up." (he disappears)

Reynolds: "Come in!"

(Anna enters, carrying an enormous bedsheet on her back, filled with clean laundry. She puts it down on the floor and wipes a couple of wet strands of hair from her forehead with her wrist. The Sgt. Major snaps into his staring trance again.)

Anna: (taking a couple of neat stacks of laundry out of the big sheet) "Colonel Reynolds, Captain Ashwood, your clean uniforms and bedsheets."

Reynolds: "Splendid!"

Ashwood: "Oh, I say, that looks absolutely first class!"

Anna: (panting slightly) "Thank you very much, sir. Now, if you don't mind, I'll take the rest of the laundry to the concert party and the Sgt. Major's quarters."

Reynolds: "That's quite alright. You've done a wonderful job. Sgt. Major?" (no reply) "Sgt. Major!"

Sgt. Major: (snapping out of his trance again) "Sir?"

Reynolds: "Give Anna a hand with that heavy pile of laundry, I expect she has had a pretty rough day, doing a whole week's dhobi all at once."

Sgt. Major: "But, sir…"

Reynolds: "That's an order."

Sgt. Major: (reluctantly) "Yes, sir."

Ashwood: "Marvellous."

Anna: (picking up the bag of laundry and exiting) "Thank you, Sgt. Major, but there's really no need to…"

Sgt. Major: (following her onto the veranda, irritated) "Depot orders clearly state that warrant officers are not allowed to ignore orders from their superiors."

Anna: "But I'm fine, really, I can manage…"

Sgt. Major: (threateningly, holding out his hand) "Kindly hand over the bag, miss."

Anna: "But there's no need…"

Sgt. Major: (lifting her up angrily) "Right!"

(The Sgt. Major carries Anna, who looks utterly amazed and is still holding the sheet filled with dhobi, over to his quarters. He puts her down on the bed, unties the sheet, takes a big pile of laundry from it, runs over to the concert party's quarters and throws the laundry down on Beaumont's bed. Beaumont looks extremely surpised, but the Sgt. Major runs back to his quarters where Anna is still sitting on the bed, speechless.)

Sgt. Major: (calming down, but still panting angrily) "Right, I helped you. Now please give me my clean uniform and leave."

Anna: (getting up, looking distressed) "Whatever have I done wrong…"

Sgt. Major: (threateningly, pointing at the door) "Leave."

(Anna takes a step towards the door, then looks at the Sgt. Major and sits down on the bed again.)

Sgt. Major: "What do you think you're doing?"

Anna: "I'm not leaving until you explain to me what I have done wrong." (he moves towards her) "And don't pick me up and throw me out or I'll report you to Colonel Reynolds."

Sgt. Major: (stepping back and calming down, but still angry) "How dare you…"

Anna: "Shut up." (he looks surprised) "Now, please, sit down and tell me why you hate me so much."

Sgt. Major: (sitting down next to her, staring at his hands, calmly) "I don't."

Anna: (confused) "Don't what?"

Sgt. Major: "I don't hate you." (hesitantly) "It's…more like the…opposite."

Anna: (stares at him silently for a few seconds, then realizing) "Oh , I see… I'm sorry."

Sgt. Major: (still staring at his hands) "No need to be."

Anna: (getting up, a bit confused) "Well, I'll leave then." (he nods to his hands, she puts her hand on his shoulder) "Will you do me a favour, please, Sgt. Major?"

Sgt. Major: (finally looking at her, sighing) "Name it."

Anna: "Come and watch the show tonight?"

Sgt. Major: (pause) "I'd love to."

(Anna nods and exits. The Sgt. Major stares after her. Musical interruption: Muhammed the char-wallah singing 'Everytime we say goodbye'.)

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...to be continued.