DISCLAIMER
All characters from theIt Ain't Half Hot Mumseries belong to David Croft and Jimmy Perry. (I'm just borrowing them...)
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IV. Tell the truth(Evening, backstage during the show; Rangi is standing by the ropes of the curtains, in the background Lofty is on the stage singing Gentlemen Rankers. Anna enters in a long red dress, looking extremely beautiful and extremely nervous.)
Anna: "Oh, Rangi, bohot kharaabi…"
Rangi: "Oh deary me, memsahib. You look as if waterbuffalo has just sat down on your chapaati, isn't it?"
Anna: "Oh, it's much worse than that. I'm just so nervous..."
Rangi: "Do not worry, memsahib, you have beautiful voice. And you look totally enchanting. "
Anna: "Oh thanks, Rangi. That's very sweet of you. And I have told you before: don't call me memsahib, just call me Anna."
Rangi: "Oh, I would never do that, memsahib. I have much respect for the British." (clears his throat very disgustingly) "And especially you I would not call by your first name, memsahib."
Anna: "Why not?"
Rangi: "I am sorry, memsahib. But in India, Anna sounds very cheap, isn't it?"
Anna: (laughing) "You're absolutely right, Rangi. Oh, dear! I'm on!"
Beaumont: (on stage) "…our own Vera Lynn!"
Rangi: "Oh, my godfathers! Jao, memsahib! Jaldi!"
(Cut to stage. The curtains are closed while Graham plays the intro to White Cliffs of Dover. Then the curtains open and Anna is on stage, singing. Cut to Reynolds, Ashwood and the Sgt. Major in the audience.)
Reynolds: "I say, she's marvellous, isn't she? What do you think, Ashwood?"
Ashwood: "I think she's absolutely first class, sir. Besides, it's nice to have a real woman on the show for once. I had almost forgotten what they look like."
Reynolds: "Yes, I quite agree. By Jove, Ashwood, these are jolly difficult times. Another pink gin?"
Ashwood: "Thank you very much, sir. What do you think Sgt. Major?"
Sgt. Major: (keeping his eyes on the stage) "Sir?"
Ashwood: "What do you think of our dhobi wallah there on stage?"
Sgt. Major: (dreamily) "She's very…very…"
Ashwood: "Yes, so she is. Very."
(The song comes to an end. The audience cheers and applauds, and Reynolds, Ashwood and the Sgt. Major all stand up and applaud too. Anna bows on stage and the curtain closes. Cut to backstage. Anna is entering from the stage.)
Rangi: "Ohohoho! Memsahib, you were wonderful!"
Anna: (hugging Rangi) "Thank you, Rangi!"
(All the members of the concert party crowd around, praising her.)
Beaumont: "You were magnificent, sweetheart! An example to all these flipping amateurs here."
Lofty: "We should do a duet some time!"
Anna: "Thanks, everyone. I'd love to do a duet, Lofty. It would be an honour. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to change into my own clothes and get to my charpai. There'll be lots of dhobi waiting for me again in the morning. Goodnight."
(Musical interruption: Muhammed the char-wallah singing 'There's no business like showbusiness'.)
(Inside Anna's quarters; Anna is sitting on her bed, dabbing at her face with a piece of wet cloth, getting the last of her make-up of. Cut to outside on the paradeground; it is dark, and Reynolds, Ashwood and the Sgt. Major have just arrived from the show.)
Reynolds: "Well, Ashwood, what did you think of the show?"
Ashwood: "Oh, absolutely first class, sir. They were all wonderful. Especially the dhobi wallah as Vera Lynn. She was very…" (his voice gets all squeaky) "Very…don't you agree, Sgt. Major?"
Sgt. Major: (wiggling his moustache a bit) "Oh, yes, sir. Very."
Reynolds: (slightly embarassed) "Yes, well, jolly good. Goodnight then."
Ashwood: "Goodnight, sir. Goodnight, Sgt. Major."
Sgt. Major: "Goodnight, Colonel Reynolds, Captain Ashwood."
(They salute each other. Reynolds and Ashwood disappear into the Officers' Quarters. The Sgt. Major walks over to his quarters, then hesitates and looks at Anna's door next to it. He sighs, sits down on the veranda and lights a cigarette. Anna's door opens behind him and Anna comes out onto the veranda as well.)
Anna: "What did you think of the show then?"
Sgt. Major: (nervously) "Oh, it's you…" (pause) "I thought you were marvellous."
Anna: "Thank you."
Sgt. Major: (long awkward pause) "Cigarette?"
Anna: "No, thank you, I don't smoke."
Sgt. Major: "Cup of char?"
Anna: "I think Muhammed left about an hour ago."
Sgt. Major: (embarassed, quietly) "Why can't I do anything right?"
Anna: (putting her hand on his shoulder again) "You can."
(They look at each other. The Sgt. Major moves towards Anna very slowly and kisses her. Rangi arrives on the parade ground and notices them.)
Rangi: "Oh, blimey!"
(The Sgt. Major and Anna break away from each other. The Sgt. Major gets up off the veranda.)
Anna: (awkwardly) "Well, I'll be off then. Goodnight."
(Anna disappears into her quarters.)
Sgt. Major: (starting to get angry) "Bearer…"
Rangi: "Yes, Sgt. Major sahib?"
Sgt. Major: "You didn't see anything, maloom?"
Rangi: "Achchha, Sgt. Major sahib."
Sgt. Major: "Good."
Rangi: "Oh yes, Sgt. Major sahib. I did not see anything. It is very dark on parade ground, isn't it? Which is why I could not see very well, isn't it?"
Sgt. Major: "Right."
Rangi: "Only that you were doing naughty things with memsahib Anna."
Sgt. Major: "Yes…no! Shut up! You did not see that, do you hear me!"
Rangi: "Oh, but Sgt. Major sahib, it is all so romantic, it brings tears to my eyes."
Sgt. Major: "Shut up."
Rangi: (dabbing at his eyes with a cloth) "Achchha, Sgt. Major sahib."
(Rangi walks over to his bike and exits with it. The Sgt. Major knocks on Anna's door.)
Anna: (from inside) "Enter."
(The Sgt. Major enters. Inside Anna's quarters; Anna has just finished tying a large sheet around the dirty dhobi and puts it next to the door, ready to be washed tomorrow.)
Sgt. Major: "Sorry about that… That stupid bearer…"
Anna: (putting her arms around his neck) "Don't call him stupid. I like him, he's nice."
Sgt. Major: (whispering) "Alright."
(He puts his arms around her and kisses her again, then pushes her onto the bed. As she starts to unbutton his uniform, he suddenly gets up.)
Anna: "What…"
Sgt. Major: (interrupting) "I would love to stay but…I think I should go to back to my baseyra…"
Anna: "You're right. I have to get up early anyway tomorrow, with all this dhobi."
Sgt. Major: "And I have prickly heat inspection to do tomorrow, and drills, and…well, good night."
Anna: "Goodnight."
(She kisses him on the cheek, the Sgt. Major exits. Cut to the Sgt. Major outside on the veranda, disappearing into his quarters. Musical interruption: Muhammed the char-wallah singing 'Night and Day'.)
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...to be continued.