DISCLAIMER

All characters from the It Ain't Half Hot Mum series belong to David Croft and Jimmy Perry. (I'm just borrowing them...)

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V. You go to see those beautiful dames

(The parade ground, early morning; Rangi, Muhammed and Rumzan are on the veranda of the officers' quarters.)

Muhammed: "Ohohoho, Rangi! Is it really true?"

Rangi: "Ah! Memsahib Anna and Sgt. Major sahib. I saw it with my own eyes, isn't it?"

Rumzan: (speaks a few sentences in Urdu) "…dirty old bastard."

Rangi: (kicking Rumzan) "How dare you? Don't be such ignorant coolie and sit up straight when you are punkah-ing!"

Muhammed: "But Rangi, do you think this is good idea? Memsahib Anna is such nice lady, and Sgt. Major sahib is such awful man!"

Rangi: "You know, Muhammed, there is one very old Hindu proverb which say: 'When friendly deer gets along with nasty cobra, it is not in the monkey's interest to disturb them,' isn't it?" (wiggles his head wisely)

Muhammed: "This is very true. But do you think they are really in love?"

Rangi: "Ah! This is different than ladies Sgt. Major sahib used to visit in sleazy cafés, isn't it?"

Muhammed: "How do you know, Rangi?"

Rangi: "Because, when Sgt. Major sahib talks to memsahib Anna, his knees go all wobbly, isn't it?"

Muhammed: "Ohohoho! And memsahib Anna, does she love him too?"

Rumzan: (speaks a few sentences in Urdu) "…far too good for him."

Rangi: (to Rumzan) "Go and pull you punkah, you damn lovesick native!"

(Anna emerges from her quarters, carrying a large sheet full of dhobi.)

Rangi: "Oh, blimey!"

Anna: "Goodmorning, everyone."

Rangi: "Goodmorning, memsahib."

(The Sgt. Major walks onto the parade ground.)

Sgt. Major: "Get on paraaaaaade! Prickly heat inspection! Get in line, get in line! Move yourselves, move yourselves!"

(As the concert party runs onto the parade ground, the Sgt. Major notices Anna, Rangi, Muhammed and Rumzan on the veranda. He walks over to them.)

Sgt. Major: "Now many times do I have to tell you that only punkah-wallahs can use this veranda?! Bearer, stop hanging about 'ere! (to Muhammed) And you, get your filthy char urn off my parade ground, jaldi, jaldi!"

Rangi/Muhammed: (moving away) "Yes, Sergeant Major sahib."

Anna: (angrily) "And what about me?"

Rangi: (leaving with Muhammed) "Oh, deary me!"

(The concert party watch them.)

Sgt. Major: "What do you mean?"

Anna: "Why don't you shout at me? Why don't you tell me to leave?"

Sgt. Major: "Because…because…" (to concert party) "Look to your front!"

(The concert party look to their front.)

Sgt. Major: "Because…"

Rumzan: (speaks a few sentences in Urdu) "…cat got your tongue."

Sgt. Major: "Shut up!"

Anna: "If I had been a native, would you have shouted at me then?"

(Awkward silence.)

Anna: "I see."

(Anna starts to head for the gates with her dhobi, but the Sgt. Major comes after her, grabs her arm and pulls her back onto the veranda.)

Anna: (annoyed) "What…"

Sgt. Major: (opening the door to his quarters) "Get in 'ere."

(Inside the Sgt. Major's quarters; Anna throws the dhobi down on the ground and turns to face the Sgt. Major, who closes the door.)

Sgt. Major: "What the 'ell was that about?!"

Anna: "Rangi is the one who got me this job, and Muhammed is a very nice person. I hate to see them being treated like this!"

Sgt. Major: "They're servants!"

Anna: "I'm one of the servants too, so why don't you shout at me then?"

Sgt. Major: "You're…"

Anna: "…not a native?"

Sgt. Major: "India belongs to Britain! We are the ones in charge 'ere!"

Anna: "And so you just treat the natives like filth? They're nice people! I've been in India for a long time now, and I see natives being treated like this everywhere. I thought I was used to it, but somehow it seems worse to me when it's you who does it."

Sgt. Major: "And why is that?"

Anna: "Because I…like you. Very much." (pause) "But it can't go on like this. I'm leaving."

(Anna picks up her dhobi.)

Anna: "I'll leave this in my baseyra, and I'll make sure you'll have a new dhobi-wallah by this afternoon. I know a lot of people who need jobs."

(They move closer to each other.)

Sgt. Major: "You don't have to leave…"

Anna: "Yes, I do. I wish I didn't, but I do."

Sgt. Major: (taking her hands) "Will I see you again?"

Anna: "Maybe."

(She drops the dhobi, puts her arms around him, and they kiss. After a few seconds they break away from each other. Anna picks up the dhobi again. Her eyes are wet. She moves towards the door.)

Anna: (wiping her eyes) "Well, I'll be leaving then."

(Anna opens the door, and Rangi and Muhammed come falling into the room, obviously having just been eavesdropping. Rumzan puts his head around the corner.)

Rumzan: (speaks a few sentences in Urdu) "Ohohoho…tears to my eyes."

Sgt. Major: "Shut…" (looks at Anna, who is smiling, and calms down) "Never mind."

Anna: "Bye, Rumzan. Bye, Muhammed. Bye, Rangi." (she hugs Rangi; to Sgt. Major) "Bye…"

(Anna walks onto the parade ground and shakes hands with the concert party, and with Colonel Reynolds and Captain Ashwood. Then she leaves through the gates while everyone stares after her. The camera turns towards Rangi in a close-up.)

Rangi: (to camera) "There is one very old Hindu proverb, which say 'Delicate butterfly cannot live in stormy weather,' isn't it?" (wiggles his head wisely)