Ninja Rule #1: Be silent and patient.
Dan was having a hard time being silent and patient. Ian decided that he had to watch Sesame Street. Which meant that when he could be taking lessons from Yoda on how to use the force, he was being taught how to count from The Count.
"Yo, this is not cool." said Jonah. "I think you could use my book, How to be a Gangsta'. If this can't teach ya, nobody can."
"NO! I WANT BIG BIRD!" screamed Ian.
"If Ian wants Big Bird, he's going to get Big Bird." said Amy.
"'K, nobody can teach him." said Jonah. " Does this kid even know how to walk?"
Ian snapped his fingers, and in walked his butler, Omovoi Butler, who picked Ian up and carried him to the couch.
"Seriously, somebody needs to show this kid a horror movie," said Dan. "Maybe Cujo."
"ELMO!" screamed Ian. "Shhhhh!"
And Elmo started singing,
La La La La,
La La La La,
Elmo's World.
La La La La,
La La La La,
Elmo's World!
Elmo loves his goldfish,
His crayon too,
That's Elmo's World!
"Yay Elmo!" applauded Ian.
"Elmo wanted to know, what will Elmo be when he grows up? What will you be?"
A five year old comes on screen. "I want to be an astronaut!"
Another one: "A pirate! Argh!"
"A plumber like Mario!"
"A plumber like Luigi!"
A baby comes on screen.
Elmo says, "What does baby want to be when he grows up?"
The baby says nothing.
Then Elmo asks a goldfish, "Dorothy, what do you want to be when you grow up?
A thought bubble appears and shows a picture of a girl from Kansas being blown away by a tornado and landing inside an asylum, where she tells her friends how he was a brainless scarecrow, a heartless tin man, a cowardly lion, and an evil witch who was green and afraid of water.
"Well, Elmo decided what he wants to be. Elmo wants to be a homicidal mass murderer!
Elmo leans in close to the screen and says, "Elmo knows where you live!"
The lights black out inside the Madrigal Mermaid's house. All that can be seen is the faint glow of Elmo's face from the TV.
!
The door slams open.
"Where are you, Ian? Elmo wants to play with you."
Ian looks at Elmo. "Are you going to be my friend?"
"I'm going to use you as a qualifier to see if I can be a homicidal mass murderer!"
Jonah raised his wand.
"Mighty Mysteriously Mysterious Mystery Men!
Come and give me a Woodrow Wilson!"
"What does that spell do?" asked Dan.
Out of the darkness, Dan could barely see a $100,000 bill.
"Jonah, this is no time for money! Use a different spell!"
So Jonah raised his wand.
"Come over here, Uncle Elbow,
Give a fist to Mister Elmo!"
Dan heard a man scream in pain. Suddenly, a third arm grew out of Elmo's body.
"You idiot! You just took off Uncle Elbow's arm and gave it to Elmo! What are we going to do now?"
Just then, Amy approached Elmo.
"No Amy! You're too old to die to Elmo!"
And Amy said to Elmo, "Give. Me. The Ian."
Elmo got a confused look on his face, then dropped Ian.
"How about this, Elmo. We'll have a few contests. If I win all of those contests, then you let my frenemies go."
Elmo nodded. He was great at contests.
Round 1: Poker.
Winner: Amy.
"Never play poker with a kid who reads minds."
Round 2: How Long Can You Stay Underwater?
Winner: Amy.
"I can breath underwater!"
Round 3: Fishing
Winner: Amy.
"The fish say that you're a smelly creep."
Round 4: Staring Contest.
Winner: Amy.
"It helps if you can control minds."
Round 5: Disguising.
Winner: Amy.
Note: Amy changed into a bird, giving her a very easy win.
Also noted: At the end of the contest, Amy magically changed into a winged girl. This is still unexplained.