I will never forget the look in your eyes.
I made an oath; the ones in my sight will always be protected. No harm will come to any that I can protect. It was the oath of a fool.
I take it no less seriously, but I know that the pain in your eyes now is not the same as it was the day I first met you, and I know that this new pain is entirely my own doing.
Not on purpose, of course. I know you understand I would never do anything to hurt you on purpose. It breaks my heart every day knowing that I am the reason for that unending pain.
Sanosuke told me about how you looked that day as you tended his hand in the clinic. He told me you were talking about me, after the incident with Shishio. It troubled him. You let your guard down with him; he wasn't prepared. He told me you were talking about how I had changed, how I had allowed cracks in the wall I'd spent so long building around myself. That was when he'd noticed you'd changed, too; he mentioned that he'd said in so many words that were I to have seen you at that moment, I might not be quite so happy where I was.
If I could only tell you how true his words were. The heart may want what the heart wants, but the heart is pretty foolish. It rarely takes into account what others may want or need. It never bothers considering consequences. That's what the mind is for.
My mind says that all your teasing and flirtation is your way of hiding your pain. No one deserves the pain you've suffered, Megumidono. No one should ever look out on the world with such sadness as fills your beautiful eyes.
You're more beautiful than Kaorudono. More graceful, more feminine. One would have to be worse than blind not to notice your beauty and the fragile pride to which you cling so fiercely. Sometimes you think your pride is all you have left. That comes from too many years of suffering and insecurity. It's a feeling I understand well.
Our lives are perhaps too closely parallel; I know what you endure every day. I too love someone who will never smile that special smile for me.
In my case, it's different. She did, once. And then I killed her. I can never smile that smile for you, and I can never tell you how deeply I regret it. More, perhaps, than every death that painted my hands red and my soul black.
I would ask your forgiveness, but I know there's no point. You gave it long ago, from the day I met you. You always forgave me. Even when you learned who I had been, you were surprised but not afraid, not angry like so many others. Everyone else I know found out by chance, or by research. You were the only one I ever simply told. It isn't much to give, but it's all I can offer you. I do love you, in my way. I will never tell you that in so many words; I think you know.
So I wave and smile as you board the carriage to Aizu, Kaoru by my side. I wish you would turn around and see her eyes, how sad she is that you're leaving. It's true that her life will be quieter without your teasing ways, but it doesn't make her any happier. We all wish you could stay, but I know better.
As for me, I only hope that you will find your happiness someday. I don't know if even I could be strong enough for a woman like you. You are independent, spirited, and proud. Even in this modern age, a woman doctor won't find it easy. You are a woman ahead of your time, Takani Megumi, and this humble fool is honored to know you.
Sayounara.
[AN] There are so many pieces about how Megumi feels about Kenshin. I thought it was past time for someone to put his perspective out there. Feedback is welcome. This was originally a standalone until I realized I had a similar drabble for four out of the five characters at that particular scene so figured I'd combine 'em.[/AN]