An/ So we have JJ in bargaining. In case you can't tell, I'm going through all of the stages of grief with this, so bear with me--it will get better. This story is a little depressing right now, but I promise, it does get better.

I don't own any TV shows, let alone an awesome one like Criminal Minds. If that ever changes, I will keep you posted.

Devastated.

That's all I felt anymore. It used to feel as though I had a gaping hole where my heart should be. Now, it just feels like this dark weight has rested on me, and I would do anything just to get it to leave. Instead, it grows heavier and heavier with each day. Maybe if I had been good enough, maybe if I had been a better mother or a better girlfriend--none of this would have happened. I couldn't help the feeling of lethargy, but I struggled to keep the lethargic JJ hidden. It should have been me. I should have died, and Henry would still have a father. Instead, I survived, and I'm not sure that it was a blessing.

"JJ, you need to eat something." Hotch instructed sternly as he saw me push around the dinner he had brought home. It was Chinese. I hadn't eaten Chinese since the night before it happened, and I didn't think I'd ever be able to eat it again.

"I've eaten plenty," I respond hotly, pushing the Orange Chicken around with my chopsticks. "I just don't feel like it."

"You haven't felt like it for almost a week and a half." Hotch pointed out, "Look, Henry seems to be enjoying himself."

I smiled as I looked at my small son in his high chair. Soft noodles seemed to be falling out of his ears, and he seemed far more content in playing with his food than actually getting it in his mouth. "Henry always enjoys himself."

"And Jack finished his dinner." Hotch turned to his son and smiled as Jack beamed proudly and nodded.

"At least eat a dumpling."

"No." I said firmly.

"Please JJ?" Jack looked up at me with the same dark eyes his father had. If I still had a heart, it would have broken. As it was, I smiled gently and shook my head.

"Pwease Momma." Henry added, mimicking Jack's expression. I bit my lip to stifle the sob that erupted inside of me at the sight of Will's dark blue eyes looking straight at me through the body of our son. Maybe if I had married him, things would have been different.

Hotch must have picked up on my unease because his next action surprised me. Wordlessly unlatching Henry from his chair, he turned to his son. "Why don't you and Henry go upstairs and get ready for a bath? I'll come up in a minute."

"Okay Daddy." Jack obeyed immediately with Henry at his heels. Bath-time was Henry's second favorite time of day--right behind dinnertime.

"Why?" Hotch turned to me, and though I had managed to avoid his question for days, I knew that I wouldn't be able to any longer.

"Because maybe if I never eat Chinese again, maybe I can wake up one day and this will all be some big misunderstanding." I said quickly, suddenly realizing how true the statement felt.

"JJ--" Hotch stopped, unsure of how to address my admittance.

"No. Stop. I know." I interrupted, unwilling to let him play the 'comforting friend' role. I wanted to be alone. I deserved to be alone. Because I did this to myself. If I had been a better FBI agent, maybe things would have turned out differently.

"I thought you liked Chinese." Hotch mused quietly, almost breaking my heart. Of course he was trying to do the nice thing...Of course.

"I used to." I said, getting up from the table freely as I was no longer restrained by crutches. "A lot of things changed." I called over my shoulder, if Hotch wasn't going to leave me alone, then I would leave. I didn't deserve his pity or compassion, and so I would have none of it.

As I hobbled past the bedroom that Jack and Henry were sharing, I could hear my son's joyous cries penetrating the door. I cringed, but I had to keep going. Hotch would give Henry a bath, and tomorrow he would pretend as if everything was alright. But it wasn't. I should be with my son, I should be the one who plays with him and gives him his bath. But I didn't deserve his unconditional love.

I deserved loneliness. And maybe, just maybe, if I had accepted this loneliness earlier, Will would still be alive.

Apparently I had become too much for Hotch to deal with on his own, because not thirty minutes later, Penelope and Emily entered his house just as he made some lame excuse that he had to pick up paperwork from the office. Typical. He did however, fear for my son's safety because he insisted on taking Henry and Jack with him. Apparently Will wasn't the only one who worried about what estrogen would do to my child--Will.The very thought of his name brought a pang to my heart. I wanted nothing more than to apologize to my friends and spend the rest of the day but I could already tell I was supposed to be happy and smiling for Garcia and Emily--or Hotch would ground me. Scary how much he reminded me of my father sometimes.

"Hey Sunshine." Garcia squealed in typical Garcia fashion as she entered the living room, pulling out several DVD's from her oversized leopard print bag. "I have brought 'P.S. I Love You', 'A Walk to Remember', 'The Notebook', 'Message in a Bottle', 'Nights in Rodanthe'--"

"You do know that only one of those isn't a Nicholas Sparks novel, right?" Emily interjected teasingly, stifling a laugh. Garcia was a hopeless romantic. Emily was...not.

"I know." Garcia beamed--whether oblivious to Emily's sarcasm, or choosing to rise above it, I wasn't sure. "But I also happened to bring the fourth Die Hard movie, so we have some variety."

"I should have never doubted you." Emily chuckled, plopping down next to me. "Hey look at you! No crutches."

"Nope." I smiled stiffly. "Now would you two just tell me why you are here?"

"Hotch said that you could use some cheering up and--" Garcia motioned to her and Emily. "What cheers you up more than the two of us?"

"An entire bottle of Johnny Walker, Red." I answered, not missing the slight mutinous glare Garcia shot me. I could tell Emily was stifling a laugh, and I was reminded once again why Emily and I were friends.

"We are just going to ignore that latest jab." She announced to Emily who gave me a sardonic smirk.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Emily asked me quietly, ignoring the warning look Garcia gave about the topic.

"If I said 'No' would it matter?" I retorted, already knowing the answer.

"Probably not." Emily shrugged involuntarily. "But it couldn't hurt."

"I should have been the one who died." I informed them, trying to keep the bitterness out of my voice. I had come to this conclusion several days before and the response just kind of came out.

"I say we watch Die Hard, Morgan says its really good." Garcia quipped uncomfortably after a moment of silence.

"Sounds good to me." Emily agreed awkwardly, apparently not having my response in mind when she wanted to 'talk'. While I loved the two of them, I knew them too well. They didn't want to hear what was wrong. They wanted to hear how I was feeling so much better after seeing them and that this sad funk I had been in lately was just a passing phase. They wanted to hear how I would be fine and how soon things would be back to normal; but I wasn't about to lie to them. I wasn't about to fake a smile anymore. I was so tired of faking smiles.

"Did you know right before it happened he was talking about marriage again?" I said, ignoring their discomfort. Whether or not they were ready to hear it, I was ready to start telling it. "And of course I told him no. Who tells their boyfriend no when they propose?"

"JJ, you didn't know--" Garcia tried to soothe, but I would have none of it.

"Know that he would be dead moments later? Honestly I had no clue." I admitted, now fighting a few renegade tears. "Which is why I was such a terrible girlfriend to him. I never thought what my life would be like without him, I just went ahead and took him for granted. If I had married him, none of this would have happened."

"How is that possible?" Penelope asked in confusion. "You agreeing to marrying him wouldn't have changed anything."

"Its not your fault." Emily comforted, but I shook their lies out of my head immediately.

"But it is." I moaned softly. "If I had been better, if I had done more, if I hadn't been so awful, he would still be here. I was the one who wanted the damn Chinese that night! I was the one who insisted we go, even though it was late. Its because of me he's dead, and I wish that I were dead too."

"You don't mean that." Garcia whispered insistantly. "Promise me you don't mean that."

"I do." It was my only response. Suddenly, Garcia's eyes flamed and she turned on me like never before.

"Don't you dare say that." Penelope snapped bitingly as Emily wrapped a protective arm around me, I could tell I had struck a nerve and this sudden fear paralyzed me. Sometimes it was weird feeling things, like I had been numb for so long that I forgot what it was like to feel. "After all you have seen, how could you say that?"

"Because its true." I shrugged seeing the fierce determination in her eyes.

"Do you have any idea how blessed you are?" She asked, furthering her rant. "So many people die everyday and you survived! You did! Ask Reid, every day we are alive we are defying some serious odds. Hell being born alone is a miracle! So many people aren't nearly as lucky as you are. Yes, something terrible happened, but you're alive and you have friends who love you. You've got a son who worships the ground you walk on and you had a boyfriend who loved you more than anything in this world. Don't you dare say that means nothing. Go ahead and be sad but don't you dare act like its not a damn blessing that you are here to whine. I don't want to hear how it should have been you. I don't want to hear how you don't deserve this. I don't want to hear how you would give your life for his in a heartbeat. Because Will would have never wanted you to make that sacrifice. He would have never wanted you to blame yourself. So don't you dare act like he would have."

"You're right." I said, lacking all conviction behind the words. Garcia was right, I shouldn't be so sad to be alive, but I was. Vowing to avoid talking about my devastation, I determined that my friends' efforts earned the right to have me plaster on a happy face. They had been through too much to have to listen to my wallowing.

But now I knew something had changed within me. I no longer wanted to trade away my own existance. I was just far too tired for that. Right now, I felt just about too tired for anything.

"Let's start Die Hard." I muttered, Emily nodding in agreement. As the movie began, I gladly let the lethargy of my new found life wash over me, allowing me to feel only half alive. I had been numb for so long, but this, this was different. And as far as I was concerned, feeling half alive was a small improvement.

Feeling half alive was good enough for now.