AN/ So, I have this fantastic structure planned for this story, but unfortunately, it makes it hard to update quickly. Props to all of you who are reading/enjoying this story, I appreciate the reviews.
PS, I still don't own Criminal Minds.
"Jayje," A calm voice ordered softly. "Its time to get up."
"No." I groaned, pulling the covers over my groggy eyes, hoping that if I could burrow myself deeply enough, then the offending person in my room would go away.
"Hotch says you need to get up today." He reaffirmed, his voice quivering slightly. "Apparently you haven't been up for days now."
"Reid?" I asked, peeking one eye out from under the dark blue comforter. Sure enough, it was him, carrying what looked like a list. "What are you doing here?"
"Hotch had a meeting with Strauss and you have physical therapy and--" He paused as he reviewed the paper at lightning speed, "Henry has a doctor's appointment."
"Go without me." I stated firmly, burrowing my head into my pillow.
"Hotch says that I'm not allowed to let you talk me into not making you go." He informed, pulling the blanket up off my left foot and tickling me lightly. I yelped, jumping up straight in bed. "He said that should work." The boy wonder mused, reviewing the paper and opening my second drawer.
"What are you reading?" I inquired curiously, while my hand worked open the bedside drawer.
"A list of things I am not supposed to allow you to do." He chirped informatively. "By the way, he did move the rape whistle, so if you are looking for that--"
Stupid Hotch knew me better than I thought he did. My face fell, defeated, wondering if I really had to do this. I could kick up a fight; it never worked before because Hotch just threw me over his shoulder caveman style when I got combative, but Reid didn't really have that much upper body strength. I could insist that I wasn't feeling well, but Reid and I had been friends long enough that I would feel much more guilty lying to him than I did when I lied to Hotch. My contemplating was interrupted as a red hoodie and a pair of sweatpants were thrown carelessly at me.
"Where do you keep your socks?" He quipped quickly.
"Top drawer on the left." I replied automatically.
"Why does it say I should only hand you one pair of tennis shoes?" Reid asked in confusion.
"That's for your own protection." I mused slyly as I remembered last time when I threw projectiles to get Hotch to go away. It wasn't my fault that I picked the stilettos...or that I have fantastic aim.
"Well, let's go." Reid said encouragingly.
"Jenny, you've really got to try." Pete tried to rile my anger, but I just didn't have it in me to disagree with him anymore.
"Okay." I didn't bother to try to hide the apathy in my voice. Nothing mattered anymore.
"Alright, I think we're done for the day." Pete conceded, obviously disappointed that I hadn't done as well as he had hoped. "But I really need you to be doing your exercises." He reminded.
"Sure." I said, not bothering to lie.
Spence eyed me warily as I returned to the waiting room as if I were going to break on the spot.
"Make sure she does her exercises." Pete cautioned the genius who nodded, though I could tell that the prospect of fighting me to do anything unnerved him deeply.
We moved quickly to the car. I had never been the type of person that loved going for Sunday drives, but ever since the accident, I loathed riding in the car. I felt my palms begin to sweat as I opened the passenger's door. As I buckled my seat belt, I fought down the nervousness that I was becoming accustomed to.
"Are you okay?" Spence asked me as he slid into the driver's seat.
He had obviously noticed how I clenched onto the door with every ounce of strength I had.
"I'm fine." I gritted out, hoping to get out of the car as quickly as I could.
"Okay. Let's get to the doctor." Reid said, trying to force excitement into his voice.
Exiting the doctor's office, I could barely bring myself to look at my son. I had failed him. He lost his father, and I had abandoned him. I should have known something was wrong, but I wasn't there for my own son. Reid could tell how upset I was, and thankfully kept his distance until we got to the car. Buckling Henry into his car seat, Reid easily slipped into the drivers seat, waiting for me to get situated.
I sighed deeply, loathing the contraption that had stolen the life of my soul mate. Buckling my seat belt, I clutched firmly to the door handle to ease my nerves. Apparently Reid decided he needed to attempt to console me, but I knew the truth. I was a horrible mother.
"Jayje, it's no big deal."
"Isn't it?" I snapped back, knowing that Spence didn't deserve me snapping at him, but I was too exhausted to try to reconcile my actions with my conscience.
"It's glasses. He needs glasses. It's not the end of the world." Reid pointed out. "Statistically, 3 out of 10 children have astigmatism. Henry's only two years old. You've caught it earlier than most parents." He consoled.
"Does it matter? I'm his mother, and I missed it." I groaned, my voice full of self loathing.
"It's not as if--"
"It's not as if I hadn't kept on handing off my son to Hotch and Emily and whoever else the hell he's been spending time with, I would have known. Oh wait. It was like that." I watched as his body grew rigid. "I've got to be the world's worst mother."
Reid looked at me for a second. "Have you ever locked Henry in a closet? To protect him from imaginary villians?"
"What does that have to do with anything?" I asked, my eyes not meeting his.
"Have you ever locked Henry in a closet?" He repeated, "Or have you ever forgotten to feed your child for three days at a time?" Reid asked, a grim smile gracing his lips.
A sickening feeling hit my stomach as I realized where he was pulling these possibilities from. They were his realities. "No."
"Jayje, I love my mother, but you can be there for Henry in a way that wasn't possible for my mother."
We sat in silence for a moment before I admitted softly, "I just want it to all go away."
"You think I don't understand that?" Reid asked quickly. "I think I understand better than anyone else what it's like to just want everything--all the pain, all the memories--all of it to just go away."
"But it doesn't." I shrugged. "There is no way for it to go away."
"Isn't there?" Reid questioned quickly. His loaded question stopped me in my tracks. "Because I've found somethings in this world that do a pretty damn good job of making it all leave you."
"Spence--" I began but he held his hand to stop me.
"Drugs are popular for a reason." Reid stated. "I know that for a fact now, and you know what? They serve their purpose fine, they make it all go away--"
"Reid." I barked, trying to get him to stop. "Please--"
"But it doesn't come without a price; You lose yourself." He stated simply, looking into me with eyes that seared my soul. "And at the end of the day, the memories, the pain, all of it; its still there, just hiding behind a facade."
"I didn't mean to say--" I began to apologize automatically, but once again he continued without my provocation.
"And through all of this, now I know that suffering is there for a reason--because if life wasn't hard, then we would all lose sight of what we are capable of." He informed, and as soon as I heard the words I knew he was probably right. "Because the second you try to escape from the cards life deals you, you're under the control of an entirely different beast; one that is even more indifferent of you."
We remained silent for a moment, before I moved to say anything. "When did you become the genius?" I teased lightly, hoping to raise the mood from its current dismal, yet informative state.
"I've always been the genius." He smiled accepting my mild offering. "You're just too stubborn to realize it."
"For what its worth," I said seriously. "I'm really glad that you were the one to take me today."
"Me too." He said softly.
"Can I ask you something?" I whispered.
"You can ask me anything." He promised, nodding his head to indicate for me to continue.
"Do you think its possible to forget someone?" I inquired, my voice near inaudible.
"Physiologically, of course its possible. If we don't rehearse and use neural connections and networks, our brain automatically wipes them out, trying to provide for more room for the things that we find necessary for our survival." He answered honestly.
"Do you think I'm going to forget Will?" I questioned as his eyes grew wide.
"JJ--" He began, but this time, it was my turn to cut him off.
"He's not even the first thing I think of in the morning anymore. Its like I hurt but I don't know why, and then I remember what happened with him--" I confessed, fighting back a few tears starting to brim. "The hardest part is that now I know he's not coming back, and worse--worse is that the idea of him not coming back sounds almost tolerable."
"Acceptance isn't anything to be ashamed of." He said, but I shook my head in disagreement.
"Will was my soul mate, I'm not supposed to be able to live without him." I clarified.
"Sorry JJ, but I'm not going to condemn you for being happy." Reid informed me. "I'm not going to let you feel guilty for doing what everyone should do."
"But it feels wrong." I confessed.
"I know, but it won't always feel wrong." Reid said quietly.
"What if I fall in love with someone else?" I asked, my voice literally quivering.
"Wouldn't that be what Will would've wanted?"
"Its what he would have said he wanted." I explained. "But I don't know if he would have seriously wanted me moving on. Its just what people say to seem all self sacrificing, but in all reality, no one wants to be the body growing cold in the ground while their wife warms someone else's."
"Well, I guess you'll just have to cross that bridge when you get to it." He quipped, throwing the car in park as we reached Hotch's house.
"Reid?" I said as he helped me out of the car.
"Yeah." He asked over his shoulder after I was on my feet, now doting on Henry.
"Thanks." I smiled tentatively, before beginning to climb Hotch's front steps. "Really, thanks for everything."
"I'm here if you ever need me." He responded kindly. "I'm not used to this advice-giving side, but sometimes its nice to be the one who's needed opposed to the one who is in need."
As I watched him walk up to the door with Henry in his arms, I couldn't help but feel that he was much better at the advice-giving than anyone ever gave him credit for.
Next: Acceptance--then we start moving into the JJ/Hotch relationship starting. *Giddily dancing* :)