If you are a genius, they say, you are most likely a Cahill.
If you are devious, you are most likely a Cahill.
Or maybe you are very talented, or artistic, whatever, you are most likely a Cahill.
And if you are one of those super tough guys, like Olympic or Army type, you are most likely a Cahill.
But there is one easy way to tell if you are definitely a Cahill.
You find yourself setting a fire.
Hairy Butter was currently setting a fire. Hairy Butter was currently insane. Apparently, he was once a very great man, but he got such a swelled head that he forgot everything except his secret hobby of brewing hairy butter.
He started out being a hobo, but times passed and he became a lonely hobo. Lonely hobos are not meant to be, and Hairy eventually began to feel a change. He decided to go to an orientation for help. There he watched a movie. Here is what he learned:
As a young Cahill matures, the narrator said, changes happen in the kid-who-was-raised-horribly's body. You may notice your eyes never cry and you may have a sudden desire to set fire to human beings. These changes are perfectly normal and happen to all kids-who-were-raised-horribly.
And indeed, Mr. Butter felt a sudden desire to make an arson.
So our young Cahill walked over to the nearest house, shouted something his sub-conscience suggested to him, and soon the house was nothing but a few billion ashes.
Unfortunately, the residents of the house included a ninja and a wizard, along with two mermaids, and so Hairy never stood a chance. However, the Oracle came, and claimed that
The buttered one knows the way
To kill them all and save the day.
So Hairy was spared. Unknown to him, though, the Madrigal Mermaids secretly conspired to kill him once he did his job.
Hairy then went to a website to discover his family branch and found out he was a Vesper.
So unknown to the Madrigal Mermaids, Hairy secretly plotted to kill them once he had done his job.
Hairy went to another site to discover his house and found out he was Gryffindor.
Dan was Gryffindor.
Jonah was Slytherin.
Amy was Ravenclaw.
Ian was Slytherin.
And the Zit was the announcer for the Quidditch matches.
And so the Madrigal Mermaids prepared for the climax.