Author's Note: Written for and archived in LJ community 'fanfic50.' Prompt #32: Discover.
Pairing: Sam/Jack
Spoilers: Ascension, The Tok'ra, Window of Opportunity

Sam sat across from Orlin, enjoying the dinner he had prepared.

"…Orlin, you made an emerald jewel with parts from a microwave?" Sam asked in disbelief.

"Yes, well, there are heating properties, radiation, from the microwave. I figured I could amplify the effects by replicating it with the material I bought online." Orlin stated plainly.

Sam was about to protest, but decided just to say, "Oh."

"That's all you have to say?" Orlin asked, only because he knew the core of her nature, curiosity. He also knew that she understood what he was only vaguely describing, and that she had thought of the idea herself at one point in her life.

"I find that if I question you further, what you say will go beyond my understanding. At least I couldn't learn in one day what you've just accomplished." She answered with a short laugh. "This must be how the Colonel feels when I explain things."

"This word that you use, 'Colonel,' you know his name yet you refer to him by his rank even when you are off duty. May I ask why?"

"Orlin." Sam started to speak and then drew a blank as to how to explain anything. "It's complicated, and to be honest, I don't even know how I feel. I…why do you want to know?"

"I love you Samantha, and I know that you do not share the same feelings towards me, but I sense there is someone else, and I was hoping you'd let me know how you love."

Sam was flabbergasted, not only by the question, but by the fact that he so boldly stated her feelings for Jack O'Neill.

"I don't know what to say. You obviously already know how I feel, but it's not that simple. It's like, I can go days without seeing him, but I think about him all the time. And most days, it's not even thinking of him in a romantic sense, I just care about his well being, because he so often gets distracted and who knows what kind of mess he gets into. This, in turn, distracts me, which is good in most cases, because I would never eat or sleep otherwise. He's also always surprising me with everything he does. One moment he could be pitilessly mocking me and telling me to get a life, and the next minute he'd be inviting me to his cabin. I mean, I can see where those subjects are related, but what surprises me is that he's doing all of that because he cares…'a lot more than he's supposed to.'" Sam placed her fork down and thought about what she had just said. Orlin was waiting for her to continue, because he knew there was more.

"He's considerate, hiding behind that hard exterior. It's just you have to really earn his respect and trust before he lets anyone in, and that's the real test, because do people still want to know him despite of that harsh first impression? I'll admit, he's softened a bit, but that's only for diplomatic appearances. Yeah, I'd say we are more than friends; we can't not be after all we've been through. It's complex, because sometimes we don't want to be just friends, sometimes it's inappropriate, but most times, we just want to be ourselves. This job won't let us have a relationship, and the sad part is I totally understand and agree with that. That still doesn't change how I feel about him. Although, when I met Martouf, at times I couldn't distinguish between Jolinar's and my feelings. Everything's complicated."

Orlin looked at her calmly and smiled minimally. "If it was so complicated, how then did you just describe to me, plainly and clearly, how you felt?"

Sam looked up from her food in disbelief again, because Orlin had known all along, and she had discovered that it wasn't all that complicated after all.

"Well, there is still a lot to our 'relationship,' so much to sort out that I feel that it is complicated." Sam tried to deflect the epiphany and direct it again to where it was safe, to where she didn't have to deal with the fact that she might love her commanding officer.

Suddenly, Sam's eyes narrowed and she snorted, "You knew this all along. You just wanted me to say it."

Orlin remained indifferent.

"Personal discovery is as important as personal admittance and acceptance. A revelation is nothing until it is expressed in some form. You let me see inside you once, do you think that I would not see such strong of an essence as love; did you think you could hide it forever? Even now, in your daily activities, you are swayed. Once you said those things and organized what you associate with the 'colonel,' it is quite clear that this man is more than just that." There was a pause.

"Samantha, I am still here only by your grace, so I shall not try to upset you, but I also want to help. I love you, and I want you to understand. It's only complicated when you remove the human aspect from the equation."

"Really? You think you have me figured out?" Sam was outraged and almost in tears. Orlin tried to comfort her and offer apologies, but she stormed out, got in her car, and drove to nowhere, before he had a chance to say, "he loves you too."

---

"Personal discovery is as important as personal admittance and acceptance." Orlin's works rang in her ear.

"Fine!" Sam yelled in her car, rambling,' "I love him! I freaking love him. I don't even think it has anything to do with my massive awe and respect for him, I mean, that has a lot to do with it, but this is not just some crush a subordinate has on her commanding officer, just because of some inferiority complex or psychological explanation. And yes, regulations complicate matters, but in general, love is complicated, it has never truly been defined. Anything that 'depends' on something else is always questionable. Each day is a different kind of love. I realize this, because some days I just want to erase his pain. Others, hah, I'd like to inflict it, because he gets so childish. Ugh, it still frustrates me, because I can't tell if that's love, or love. I could get into pheromones, Freudian theories, habit of flirting, nature of men and women…what is this?

I am over thinking things."

Sam continued driving in silence now that mostly everything was off her chest. There was a lot going on in her head and heard that needed sorting out.

After half an hour of aimless driving, she arrived to a conclusion, and at the SGC. She found Jack's truck and parked next to it. She called him on her cell to tell him to meet her in ten minutes, topside. Ten minutes later, he came out still dressed in his BDU's.

"Carter." He greeted her nonchalantly, despite knowing serious issues were at stake. "I'm surprised you're not on base like the rest of us."

"I went home to check on, you know the…" she waved her hands about her head to demonstrate a cluster of sky, as if Orlin merely consisted of her mental clouds. After all, he didn't really believe her.

"Ah, I thought you had a date."

"Um, yeah, Orlin was there."

"Who?"

"O, the…never mind."

"Well, I was thinking earlier today, and…"

Jack raised an eyebrow, "When do you not think?"

Sam gave a nervous laugh and plowed on. The only way not to beat around the bush was to plow directly through it.

"Sir, this is kind of an awkward topic for us, so I'm just going to come out and say it. The regulations prevent us from fraternizing, but nowhere does it say we're not allowed to discuss our relationship. Why haven't we done this before?" Sam blurted out.

Jack was not the least taken aback, and replied calmly, "Because some things you just know and are better left unsaid?"

"Like what, that we care for each other more than just friends? I am an Air Force Major, first and foremost in every situation, you know that more than anyone, but this, this is complicated…"

"Sam, we've already established this. We left it in that room. And that's the end of it." He sounded a lot harsher than he meant.

"Jack, do you think it's complicated? Our 'relationship'?

"Actually, I don't."

Sam gave him a look telling him to elaborate.

"Ok. The way I see it, it's simple. I like you, a lot, but I can't be with you. But this also doesn't mean I can't have those feelings. It's only complicated if you're unsure of how you feel towards someone, and only then, do you have to question, 'what is it I'm feeling? How do I define love?' "

Sam starred at him. Of course he was right, but her dilemma was that she was unsure. What was her definition of love?

Jack waited for her to say something and then spoke again.

"I know you're probably over thinking it right now, and I'm just restating everything you know in your heart is true. Sometimes, you just gotta hear it from someone. And I have a feeling you're thinking about Jolinar and Marty. Let me ask you something: if what Jolinar felt for Martouf was immense, undying love, and you're confusing that love with some sort of feelings for me, does that not imply that you love me? A lot?" Jack teased.

"I must be going crazy, because you're starting to make perfect sense." Sam smiled faintly.

Jack pretended to be offended, "And I don't make sense other times?"

Sam laughed. "I think I'm going to head home now. Orlin's probably made a naquadah generator out of my washing machine."

"I count on it. See ya tomorrow?"

"As always."

They left without having any physical contact or reassurance of any kind, because some things you just know and are better left unsaid.