In the confusion and the aftermath

You are my signal fire.

The only resolution and the only joy

Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes.

Rachel sat in the auditorium. It was large and dimly lit and empty, save for her, alone on the stage. Her legs dangled over the edge of it as she let the flood of thoughts that had been swirling around her mind for the last week settle.

It was Tuesday. Two weeks since that Tuesday, when it seemed that everything had gone off the rails and spiralled out of her control. Now no one was talking to her. Everyone was sick of the drama that came with being around her and honestly she couldn't blame them; she was sick of it too. She would give anything to go back seven days and stop any of this from happening.

When had she suddenly decided to stop controlling herself? How was she ever meant to achieve any of her goals now, when all she wanted to do was sleep and cry and yell at people? How had she let her life get so messed up?

"Rachel."

She shut her eyes and willed the voice to go away. Maybe it was in her head and if she thought hard enough, it would get drowned out. Then she heard the footsteps and she knew it was no imaginary voice.

She put her hands on the ground, readying herself to stand up.

"Wait, don't go. Please, just give me a second."

A hand touched her shoulder and instinctively she flinched away from it. Looking up to meet Will's eyes she saw the hurt look in them, but he moved back quickly.

"What could you possibly have to say?" She asked hopelessly, shaking her head looking back down at the ground.

"A lot of things. Hear me out. I promise not to – to touch you again."

It hurt to hear the words come out of his mouth; as though he thought he was some kind of infectious diseases and he might hurt her if he got too close. She didn't want him to feel like that, she didn't want this to be his fault. She just wanted to forget about it and move on.

"Fine. Say whatever you have to say."

Even though she felt a little ill with the idea of having to confront Will and actually discuss what had happened, deep down she felt a little happy. She was glad that there was at least one person in the world who still wanted to talk to her. It might have been out of a misplaced sense of responsibility, but it felt good in a bittersweet way to have someone who finally paid attention to her again.

He was silent for a very long time, long enough for Rachel to wonder if he really had anything to say at all or if he only wanted to stand in her presence, the way she had oddly been craving his, just for closure if nothing else.

"I'm sorry," he said finally, uncertainly, painfully.

She shrugged, drawing small patterns on the wooden stage with her fingers and pretending to be too busy to look up at him. In truth, there was just too much pain and regret in his voice for her to look at in that moment.

"No, really Rachel. I don't even know how to start trying to explain it and I wish I had something better to tell you, but I just don't have the words. I'm just so, so sorry that I ever did what I did to you."

"Don't say it like that." Her voice was soft, so soft she didn't know if he could hear her properly. He was standing so far away from her now that she was surprised when he answered.

"I – I didn't mean it like that."

"Neither did I. I wasn't talking about the connotations, I meant that I don't like the way you're implying that it was something that you did. Do you think I didn't want it just as much as you?"

Rachel didn't look up, but her mind's eye she could picture him shaking his head in disagreement.

"That's not the point. It's my job to say no. I'm meant to teach you how to live, how to make mature decisions, how to do the right thing but I can't do that myself. It's my job to make sure you don't get hurt, not by anyone, but especially not by yourself and somehow I've broken both of those rules in one day."

"I want to agree with you," she smiled sadly, finally looking up at him. "I want to, but not because it's true. I want to say you're telling the truth because it's easy and it means I can pretend that I didn't do anything wrong. But we both know that's not true and it seems like a waste of time now to pretend anything to the contrary."

He sighed and closed his eyes, looking down at the ground. "I'm sorry."

"So am I. I'm sorry I put so much pressure on you to want me. And I'm sorry that you're blaming yourself for something that isn't your fault."

In a self preserving way, Rachel wished he would correct her, if for no reason other than it would have helped her save the slightest bit of face.

"You're killing us all Rachel." He took the smallest step she had ever seen back in her direction and the tiny, almost invisible gesture made Rachel want to cry tears of horribly depressed joy. "You're killing me. Do you know what it's like to see you walking around here every day looking like your life's ended? It hurts, like you couldn't even imagine how badly it hurts."

She laughed a hollow laugh which escaped before she could bite it back.

"I think I can hazard a guess, seeing as how you look the same way. It's extremely depressing to see, trust me."

He laughed back, a slightly more genuine laugh and took another step closer. "I guess we make a pretty sad pair, don't we?"

Rachel nodded dismally and looked back down at the ground.

"Can I ask you a question Mr Schuester? It's quite personal."

He murmured affirmatively. "I think we're a little past personal level now."

"Did you really want it? I mean if I hadn't have thrown myself at you quite so hard, would you ever have considered me as a viable option."

He didn't say anything and Rachel's stomach tightened in an unpleasant way. Silence could only mean two things; either it was an answer that he was embarrassed to say, or one that he thought would hurt her. Considering their current conversation, Rachel was guessing at the latter.

"Be honest," she muttered, tapping her fingertips on the wood. "If it makes it any easier, I promise not to cry."

He chuckled an uneven, uncertain chuckle which left her heart aching with an empty feeling that didn't make a lot of sense to her.

"Rachel, even now, I..." He stopped and glancing up, Rachel saw him looking down once again. "Even now, I can't consider you as a 'viable option'."

"But before?"

"No. I would never – if you hadn't – I don't think... Look, it's not as simple as it sounds. I would never have even looked at you in that way if the idea hadn't been planted there somehow. That's not the way I work."

"Right." It would have been a lie to say that she wasn't at least a little bit disappointed. While she had hardly expected a profession of undying love for her since the first moment he had laid eyes on her, a little affirmation would have been nice.

"But that's not to say you're not a beautiful, amazing girl." He looked sorry that he had said that last sentence now. "It's not that I wouldn't want you if we were in a different situation, but..."

"But we're not." Rachel finished for him.

"And besides, now we've seen how it worked out the first time, would you really want to try it again?"

Rachel bit her lip. The honest answer was a resounding no. Her and Will's far too brief relationship had been a disaster of Titanic proportions. Separately they might be wonderful, but together they were a disaster and it might be something that Rachel just had to accept and move on from.

"I'm sorry," she said for what felt like the hundredth time that day. "I'm sorry I expected so much from you. It was naive and idealistic."

She heard tentative footsteps and didn't turn to look as he came and sat down beside her. He was far away enough that it didn't feel like an invasion of privacy and she felt no urge to move away from him as she had earlier. In fact, what she wanted was to move closer. Not to attempt a reinstigation of anything, but simply because it felt like an eternity since she had felt human contact that way she wanted it. Just innocent and one dimensional.

"I'm sorry I couldn't live up to your expectations."

It was such a peculiar conversation to be having with one's Spanish teacher and Rachel couldn't help but be a little dumbstruck by his words. Will too seemed to realise what he had just said, as he frowned and his eyebrows pulled together quirkily.

"I didn't mean it like that," he said, and she could have heard the grin in his voice from a mile away.

Wordlessly, she shuffled a little awkwardly along the edge of the stage until she bumped into him, at which point she reached up her arms and wrapped them around his neck. He stiffened noticeably but Rachel ignored it, pressing her nose into his neck and closing her eyes to fully appreciate the feel of him.

It was strange to touch him again, after everything that had happened between them. Strange, but not wrong; just different, more meaningful.

"Rach..." She felt him begin to unwind her arms lightly and shook her head, her nose rubbing into his skin.

"Don't. Just let me hold on. Just for a minute."

Slowly his hands released her arms and they twisted around her back. She drank in the smell of his skin, all too aware that this was probably the last time she would ever be able to something of such a nature. He smelled just like she remembered; soapy and clean and familiar. It brought a strange sense of reality crashing down around her.

She had changed and he had changed, but nothing else had. He smelled the same, looked the same, spoke the same, he was to all intents and purposes the same, which meant so was she. To everyone else, she was just her, just as she ever was. It was one of the most grounding thoughts Rachel had ever had. The sense of detachment and the surreal quality of the moment died abruptly.

Rachel took one last deep breath and pulled away, dropping her arms and looking back at the floor.

"Thank you."

He didn't answer and the silence that seemed commonplace over the last couple of weeks returned but this time, it lacked the awkwardness of earlier. Once again, after the long pause it was Will who broke the silence.

"Why me? Why did you decide that it was me you wanted?"

"Because." She sighed a little sadly, looking down into her lap and thinking. "Because he hurt me and you were there to pick up the pieces and I suppose I thought – I suppose I thought that you were different. That you actually cared."

"I do." He looked down as well, because it was too hard to watch her face when it was this pained. "Don't ever think that I don't care about you."

"I know." She laughed forlornly. "Just not enough, right? And not like that."

"Rachel, it was a mistake, what we did."

"I know," she muttered. "I know it was, but I don't regret it. I only regret what it's done to us."

"It hasn't done anything to us. We're still the same people, just a little bit wiser, that's all. Everything's going to be alright."

"No it's not." She shook her head.

"Yes, it is." They were the same words from that day, unintentionally said by the same mouths that had uttered them in that time before the mistakes were made. It seemed they held a small magic, because with those words Rachel looked up and met Will's eyes, their gaze holding for a long time.

"Yes," She said finally, after a moment's thought and a beautifully tragic smile. "Yes, I suppose it is."

But the search ends here

When the night is totally clear

So now you finally know, that you control where you go

You can steer

The End