Author's Notes: This chapter inserts Rimmer into the scenes with the Parallel Crew and the revelation of Lister's origins.
I might do Duct Soup next. We'll see...
They didn't particularly care for the parallel crew.
Kochanski had managed to locate the Linkway back to her dimension, and Kryten couldn't have been happier.
The parallel crew gave them supplies, but Rimmer felt they were as bad as Kochanski: judgmental, standoffish and snobby.
Rimmer found himself stuck with Parallel Lister and the Parallel Cat as they brought supplies across the Linkway. They didn't even look at him. They were just in a hurry to leave.
They brought a load of long boxes and crates, stacking them up in the Mid-Section where Kochanski just sat around and filed her nails, and Cat was busy making sure everything was stabilized.
Finally, they had brought the last of it, and the Cat was just coming down to see what else needed doing.
Parallel Cat passed him another long crate.
"We brought the supplies requested by your Lister Dude," he said in a very authoritative voice.
The Cat took the crate from him and turned his face away from it in disgust.
"Phoowee! I may need to have my nose hermetically sealed!" he said.
Parallel Lister glanced over at Kochanski. "Is this right?" he asked, looking rather disturbed. "Twenty tons of Indian food and absolutely no sprouts?"
"You should see this place on Saturday nights," Rimmer remarked. "We're still scraping the remnants of last week off the ceiling."
Cat chuckled. "Yeah, that always happens when we use the pressure cooker," he added.
But the Parallel Crew did not look amused. Instead, Parallel Lister tapped his watch at Kochanski and motioned for her to hurry up. They shot the crew one last disparaging glance before leaving.
Rimmer glared. "Smug gits."
"You said it," the Cat agreed.
Just then, Kryten approached them carrying a tray with drinks on it.
"Champagne, everyone!" he said happily. "If this doesn't deserve a celebration, I don't know what does!"
"What are we celebrating exactly?" Cat asked.
Kryten, standing to the side of and just behind Kochanski, gestured towards her with his head and mouthed "She's leaving!" Kochanski turned to the mech who instantly smiled at her and held out a drink.
"You've found your crewmates at last – how wonderful!"
"Thanks, Kryten," Kochanski said wryly.
Smiling pleasantly, Kryten passed Rimmer and Cat their drinks before skipping merrily down the corridor.
Rimmer and Cat downed their drinks and set off to get more supplies.
A few hours later, they were both lugging up a very heavy box. They didn't know what was in it, but it had been left for them by Kochanski's crew.
Well, actually it had been shoved at them while they were running off back down the Linkway, but whatever.
They were just passing Kochanski as she headed down the Linkway (she muttered a goodbye), and they were heading for the Mid-Section when they happened on Lister and Kryten, who went to help them.
"What's this?" Lister asked.
"Supplies from Bud-Babe's ship," Cat replied.
"No, this," Lister said, indicating a marking on the top of the box.
"Well, it's the symbol for 'infinity', sir," Kryten explained. "The snake is eating it's own tail and thus completing the everlasting circle of life that has no beginning or end."
"What's it doing on 'ere?"
"The crate used to contain batteries, sir. Ouroboros batteries: everlasting."
Lister started at that word.
"Ourobo-what?"
Lister immediately took the box and set it down, looking at it intently.
"Ouroboros, sir," Kryten repeated. "It's the name of the symbol."
Lister rubbed his hand along the top of the box, revealing the Ouroboros Batteries legend stenciled on it. His eyes grew wide as he stared at the word.
"What is it, bud?" Cat asked.
"Ouroboros…," Lister said, looking shell-shocked. "It wasn't 'Our Rob or Ross', it was Ouroboros!"
"What was?" Rimmer asked.
"The message that was written on the side of my box!"
"Box…? You mean the one you were abandoned in?"
Lister's eyes widened. "I know who my parents are… I know who I am… I understand now!" he exclaimed.
Needless to say, Rimmer, Cat and Kryten were all looking at him excitedly.
"Explain, sir!" Kryten insisted.
"The in-vitro tube, the one that Kochanski's got, the frozen embryo – it's me!"
They stared at him, now a little confused.
"At some point after the baby's born, we must go back in time and leave me under the pool table at the Aigburth Arms! We wrote Ouroboros on the box to explain! I'm my own father…and Kriss is my ex-girlfriend and me mum!"
The crew digested this news.
Rimmer finally found the ability to speak (thankfully before the Cat did).
"Hold on, hold on, let me get this clear in my head," he said, rubbing his temples. "You're telling us that you are, in fact, your own father. And that the only way this is possible is because you are in an in-vitro tube, a device than can make it's own baby, a device which Kochanski is currently carrying back to her dimension even as we speak?"
"Exactly, man, what do I do?" Lister asked, looking very worried.
Rimmer stared at him like he was biggest idiot in the entire known universe.
"RUN, YOU JAMMY GOIT!" he hollered, pointing at the Linkway frantically.
Lister immediately tore for the Linkway, followed closely by the others.
They ran along the blue swirling tunnel as fast as they could, the Parallel Crew off in the distance, but still close enough.
"Mum, wait!" Lister shouted instinctively.
The Parallel Crew turned around.
"What?" Kochanski called back.
"I need the in-vitro tube! It's me!"
But they were too far away to hear properly.
"It's what?"
Without warning, sparks burst from the roof of the Linkway.
"Oh, please don't tell me the GELFs are back," Rimmer moaned.
"Nothing quite so random, sir," Kryten replied. "The Linkway is breaking down!"
The decaying Linkway shuddered and tore apart, again stranding the unfortunate Kochanski in the wrong dimension.
The two crews looked across at each other helplessly.
This time, Kochanski wasn't going to put up with it. Setting her sighs on the ragged ledge of the Linkway that floated temptingly just feet away, she shrugged off her jacket and unclipped her heavy belt.
"What are you doing?" Lister demanded.
"I'm gonna jump!"
With that, Kochanski sprung forward and sprinted for the tear, ignoring the shouts from behind her.
Cat
"You'll never make it!"
Kryten
"Ma'am!"
Rimmer
"Don't do it!"
Lister
"KRISS, NO!"
Kochanski took a wild leap, fingers stretching for the lip of the Linkway. Spread almost flat, she fell short by mere centimeters and plummeted into the blackness of non-space.
Lister, Rimmer, Cat and Kryten stared into the abyss in stunned silence.
"How did that just happen?" Cat asked quietly.
On the other side, the Parallel Lister was struggling to free himself from his crewmates' grip as they held him back.
"Kristine!" he shouted, trying to dive after her.
"We've lost her, sir," Kryten said, sounding rather stunned by what had just transpired.
"No…," Lister said desperately. "No!"
"Kristine!" the Parallel Lister shouted again.
But the other side of the Linkway was already reversing itself away from our Dwarfers and vanished into the darkness.
Just then, Lister's communicator suddenly emitted a bleep. He fumbled it out.
"Yeah?" he asked nervously.
"Hi, it's me," Kochanski replied shakily.
"Hi."
"I've decided to stay. Just one proviso…"
"Yeah?"
"Save my life, okay?"
Before they knew it, the crew were back in the cargo bay, ripping lids off of boxes and looking for anything they could use.
Lister finally found something in another of the boxes.
"What's this?" he asked Rimmer.
"It's mountaineering equipment from Kochanski's ship," he replied.
"A crossbow?"
"I thought it might come in handy the next time we run into your wife."
"You've got a bout twenty seconds before I'm out of reach!" Kochanski alerted them.
Behind them, Cat pulled out several lengths of rope from another box.
"Rope?" he offered, holding out the coils.
Lister examined one of the ropes and looked at the crossbow before grabbing one and sprinting back down the Linkway. The others looked confused but followed after him.
"I'm getting a mite panicky here!"
Lister ran up to the lip of the Linkway, attached the rope to a crossbow bolt and took careful aim through the telescopic sight. Sweat beading on his brow, his finger tensed. He knew that a stray shot would end the life of the only woman he had ever truly loved.
He pulled the trigger, and the bolt hurled itself into the abyss.
The pile of rope uncoiled with dizzying speed as the bolt arced through the blackness…
…until finally it stopped, signaling it had something.
Quickly, Lister, Rimmer and Cat struggled to bring the rope back up.
Lister's communicator bleeped, and Kryten took it from his pocket. The mech listened to the caller's voice before his eyes widened.
"It's an obscene phone call, sir," he said nervously. "I think it's for you."