Blue

Ashley Davies laid awake in her bed. Her eyes hadn't shut all night except for the many short blinks of her eyelids. She wasn't even sure why she attempted to sleep anymore. She hadn't been able to get more than four hours of a sleep a night for the past two months. And when she did sleep, she just had nightmares.

The nightmares weren't terrificly horrifying. There was no blood, or ghosts, or screaming bodies, or haunted houses. They were of the past. And that alone made them nightmares.

With a large amount of effort, the brunette rolled out of her bed and headed towards the kitchen of her large loft.

"Hi Ash." Her half-sister, Kyla Woods said in her direction.

Kyla Woods had been in a tough spot. She tried to make her usually animated half-sister feel better. But Ashley hadn't been like that for a while.

Ashley just nodded in Kyla's direction without so much as a smile. She didn't think her mouth knew what a smile was anymore.

"How are you this morning?" Kyla asked gently. She didn't want to prod. But she didn't want to disregard the other brunette.

Ashley just shrugged. "The same." She answered in a monotone voice.

Kyla watched her half-sister pad around the kitchen with soft, brown eyes. Ones similar to the ones Ashley used to have. Now, Ashley's eyes were just dead. There was no longer that sparkle or sly smile in them. Kyla sighed and continued to eat her oatmeal. She was supposed to meet Aiden soon for brunch, but she was too hungry to wait.

Ashley took a seat across from Kyla at the table. "You want me to make you something?" Kyla asked.

Ashley shook her head. "No thanks."

The half-sister waited a beat before speaking again. "Ash, you should-"

"Don't." Ashley replied immediately. There was a flair of anger in her voice. It was the only time Kyla heard emotion from the older girl. Whenever she would attempt to ask the question Ashley hated. Although Kyla felt bad, she was happy to at least hear something in the girls voice. Something that told her she wasn't totally devoid inside.

But Kyla decided to persist this time. "Ashley you should go see her."

"No Kyla." Ashley said again, losing the anger.

The younger brunette knew her sister would get mad at her if she continued to push. But Kyla didn't care. She had to try. "Please? You really need to. It's been- two months."

Ashley's eyes snapped to Kyla's. There was a mixture of anger and sadness in them. "I don't care."

"You need to try to at least start to get ov-" Kyla started to say but Ashley finally found her loud voice.

"No!" Ashley roared. Kyla winced. "No, I'm not getting over anything. You know what." Ashley said, getting up from the table. "Fuck you Kyla. You have no idea, fuck you. Until this happens to you, don't say a fucking word to me."

Kyla's eyes went down to the almost empty bowl of oatmeal. "I'm sorry I just want you to be okay."

Ashley pushed the chair back violently as she left the table. "I'm getting her back." She said delusionally.

Kyla sighed. "You know you can't, Ash." Her heart broke at her half-sister's state of mania.

Ashley didn't say another word to Kyla the rest of the day. And when Kyla left to go meet Aiden, Ashley became enraged. It wasn't fair that she was just going on normally when Ashley was stuck here with nothing. The older brunette waited about a half an hour after Kyla left, and then she left too.

She wasn't going to do this for Kyla. She wasn't going to do this even for herself. She wasn't going to do this for anyone.

She was doing this for Spencer, and Spencer only.

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It was slightly chilly and grey out as Ashley took a breath and opened the gates. A smirk appeared on her face, for the first time in two months, at the weather. How fitting, she thought.

Her shoes made squishy sounds in the wet grass as she walked to her destination. Slowly. Very slowly. She wasn't sure why she picked today to come. It just happened like that. Perhaps two months of no sleep will do that to a person. Ashley squinted her eyes, so they were barely open. There was no sun, she just didn't want to see anything else around.

When Ashley finally got to her destination, she just stood. The last time she was here there was fresh dirt where grass now was. Two months ago. She instantly felt guilty for waiting so long to come. She was a horrible person.

With a slight step forward, Ashley extended one, small finger to trace the name on the very cold stone.

Spencer Carlin

The grave stone was very pretty. Ashley believed this ironic. What is so fucking pretty about death?

Out of nowhere, one sob made it's way from her chest and out of her frowning mouth. Then another, and another, and before long Ashley was crying so hard she couldn't even breathe. It was the silent kind of crying. The one where no sound comes out because the tears and heaves came faster than the noise. The noise never catches up.

Ashley crouched down in a catcher's position next where the love of her life would forever be. In the ground and not with her. She placed her cheek to the chilly stone. It felt almost nice on her hot, tear stained cheek.

When she regained her breathing, after minutes, maybe hours even, she spoke. "Hi baby. I'm so sorry it took me so long." Ashley hiccupped and felt a fresh batch of tears in her sore eyes. You know when people sometimes say that they're all cried out? Well, Ashley knew they were full of shit. She thought she would probably never be all cried out. "I miss you so much Spencer. I- I can barely live without you."

"Aiden tried to comfort me, but I told him to fuck off. I bet you enjoyed that." Ashley's mouth made a strange form. A smile. Ashley's mind was only thinking one thing over and over. Please come back. Please come back. She waited for maybe a ghost to appear and give her some solace. Like in movies. And in stories. But one never came.

Ashley's full hand placed itself over the engraving that she specifically picked out.

Forever Loved it said. Every single word of the statement was entirely true.

"I love you." The broken brunette whispered gently. And with a kiss to the name she would never forget, she left. Ashley wasn't entirely sure that she could ever come back here.

When Ashley got back to the loft, her whole body was sore from shaking and crying. She was relieved that Kyla was still not home. She would never be able to do it if her half-sister were home. She loved Kyla. She did. But she loved Spencer more.

The bottom cabinet door under the sink in the bathroom creaked as Ashley opened it. She gingerly closed the door and took out what she needed.

It didn't take that long for every single pill in the bottle to be swallowed down Ashley's throat. She barely noticed it, actually. She had put them there two months ago, and knew that when she was ready, they would come in use.

She was ready.

Ashley sat down in the middle on the bathroom, cross-legged. Now she just had to wait.

Call an optimist she's turning blue, such a lovely color for you.

I'm coming Spence, Ashley thought right as her eyelids got heavy and finally closed.

El Fin

Song: "Blue (remix)" by A Perfect Circle.