Here we are! This is apparently a story that can be written very quickly. Overall, both chapters have taken me perhaps about... thirteen hours. It may sound like a great amount but it really isn't, especially when it includes severe procrastination, bad singing, and dog-walking.

I couldn't help adding the lyrics below in; I can't even listen to that song without laughing or wincing at the sheer eugh. I don't even know how I ever first listened to it. I was toying with having some nice Killers lyrics instead, but I'm probably going to insert them into another fic. So you have a beautifully dodgy lyric instead. Sorry about that. Cx

Anyway, enough of my rambling!

Prepare yourself for innuendo, violence, rudeness and my attempt at writing a replication experiment. In case there are any offended biologists among you, I'm sorry. I referred vaguely to my notes, but Sam wouldn't do it right anyway. Technically, none of this is incorrect.

Let's be off. (x

Screaming out the mating call, I become the lord of luuuuuuuuuurve, WOWHHHH! ;D

Lordi.

Upon reaching his new 'workstation', Sam almost immediately decided that enough was enough. He didn't know what was happening (and God curse him), he just had to find out. Damn his curiosity. Leaving his scientific equipment and job at hand, he hopped over the ledge separating he and a sulking Starscream from the 'superior' Decepticons and whistled.

A silver helm turned slowly to regard him.

'Hey, Megatron? Could I talk to you a sec?'

'You have already begun,' the commander noted, frowning slightly but approaching languidly.

'Expression,' Sam automatically responded, the word springing forth from many a confusing encounter with the Autobots. 'Look, you need to give me some help here. I need- I need background, information, y'know?'

'I don't know any more than you do, boy.'

Sam had almost expected the alien to explode with rage or deny him completely, but the one thing he hadn't expected (beside a tearful breakdown) was a look of deep worry. Perhaps he needed to be more tentative; probe, yes, but gently. 'Tell me what you know,' he insisted. 'Cast your mind back.'

The Decepticon thought for a moment. 'I was dead, and he-' (a dirty glower at the reclining-over-a-massive-crate-Fallen) '-was in a coma-like state.'

The human scratched his head, nonplussed. None of this added up. Comas and death didn't make children (as far as he knew). 'You must be missing something out.'

Megatron growled in frustration. 'I went after the Allspark, and consequently became- trapped on Earth. Although I could have escaped if I had really wanted to,' he added hastily. 'It would just have been a bother.'

'Naturally, naturally,' Sam agreed.

'...Then I was freed from my imprisonment.'

Sam rolled his hand in a gesture for the mech to continue. 'Then you died.'

'Shut up, boy. I am recalling, not you.' Megatron paused thoughtfully. 'Then I saw Starscream- and the failure he was reminded me of how much I used to enjoy beating him.' The casual statement was so offhand that the Decepticon didn't even pause. One of Sam's eyes enlarged with a twitch. 'And shortly afterwards, you killed me,' he concluded.

'Yeah, whatever. It seems simple to me,' Sam shrugged, nose wrinkling. 'You simply haven't been around for millennia or two. Wouldn't anyone get lonely or bored?'

Overhearing this, Starscream nearly hurled himself at Megatron, pleadingly but tentatively touching his arm. 'It isn't true, my lord-!'

'Evidence points to the contrary,' the commander replied without looking at him, ventilating melodramatically, claws flexing.

'Never- never in my Spark,' Starscream wailed, cringing.

'That's the most pathetic thing that has ever come out of your vocal processors. And we know how many pathetic things come out of your vocal processors, don't we.'

Starscream considered this momentarily, then closed his mouth. Clearly a witty response wouldn't have been the healthiest idea.

'Ahhh, I sense demotion approaching,' Megatron suddenly sighed.

The smaller Decepticon was visibly stunned, even stepping back a pace. 'W-what?'

'You heard me.'

'It was probably more of a woahhh, what the hell 'what' than a sorry, didn't catch that 'what',' Sam added helpfully.

'You can't demote me!' Starscream wailed. 'I've been loyal for eons!'

'So loyal,' Megatron snorted.

'But I've done anything and everything for you- you can't just treat me like waste!'

'That's what sssshe said,' the Fallen remarked smugly.

'Starscream is male,' Megatron snapped witheringly as the mentioned Decepticon miserably mooched away.

The Fallen was genuinely shocked. 'Are you sssserious?'

'Of course I am,' Megatron snarled. 'Why the Pit don't you know that?'

'Ssso why doesss it sssshriek?' the devilish Decepticon demanded, still sprawled over his crate but managing to lethargically wave an arm. 'She is clearly a femme! And no meccch hassss a body sssshhhape like that-'

'He's just a Seeker,' the commander impressed furiously. 'They look special needs. It comes with the heritage.'

'No Ssssseeker femme looksss like that!' the Fallen cried. 'They are sssssleek and sssssslim and-'

'Exactly, you fool; he's clearly a mech!'

'So that'ssssss the way you bendddd!' the Fallen declared triumphantly, slanted optics brightening. 'I knew you hadddd that lookkkk abouttt you.'

'I bend whichever way I choose,' Megatron shouted furiously. 'And it just so happens that Starscream is around a lot of the time! Besides, apparently you bend that way too-'

'All liessss!'

'So did you or didn't you?'

The Fallen contemplated the question. 'I didddd and I didddn'tttt.'

Starscream was staring out of a window vacantly.

'Hey, dude-' Sam waved at him. 'Aren't you- you know, gonna defend your sexuality? Your manhood?'

'No,' Starscream replied with a sigh. 'No.'

'Christ.' Sam realised the depth of the other's despair. 'Well, you are male, right?'

'Never been anything else,' the mech responded derisively.

'So-so can you prove it?'

Sam flinched as Starscream's optics looked at him.

'Fleshcreature, what is the point?'

'To defend your pride!' Sam cried loudly.

Megatron sniggered. 'What pride, boy?'

'No.' Sam immediately put a stop to the laughter from the two mechs. 'That's mean, and won't help matters. What we need is a nice sit-down. We'll talk all of this through.'

'Whaaaaat,' Megatron complained. 'Why the frag would that help?'

'You know, I bet you haven't even discussed this,' Sam accused knowledgeably with a wagging finger and a frown. 'And I tell you something else, we'll be civilised.'

'We have discussssssssed thisss,' the Fallen interjected somewhat sulkily. 'The Decepticon way.'

'Oh, you mean like beating each other up? I'm sure that got you far.' Sam knew he had them all sussed: the Fallen rolled his optics in a sigh, Megatron grumbled lowly, and Starscream shuffled. He stared around at them all disbelievingly. 'I thought you lot were supposed to be intelligent.'

They all avoided his eyes, suddenly finding interest in the roof, the floor, a cloud through the window-

'Fallen!' Sam snapped. 'Optics away from Megatron's backside!'

The elder Decepticon twitched, then hissed. 'I did no suchhhh thing, insecccct!'

Megatron clenched his claws with a dangerous snarl.

'Right,' Sam decided, hastily attempting to avoid a battle. 'I'll take samples of your DNA-' He paused, suddenly hit by a problem. 'And how am I supposed to do that?'

There was a moment of silence before Megatron cuffed Starscream about the helm- the cringing Seeker muttered something about the soft metal of the protoform.

Feeling somewhat like a drill sergeant dressing down some unruly troops, Sam paced back and forth along his table. 'I want you all lined up in front of me.'

After various growls, hisses and rumblings, the Decepticons complied, albeit with a shove from Megatron as Starscream's wing edged into his 'personal space'.

'I can't help that,' the Seeker hissed, regaining his place with an angry glare.

At the far end of the line, the Fallen was trying to hide a snigger.

'No laughing!' Sam ordered, pointing at the mech aggressively.

As if he was bored stiff of the whole thing, the Fallen's optics resumed the nonchalant inspection of the ceiling.

'You are all in this situation because of your- your libidos,' Sam began, striding before them and staring them down when they dared to look in his direction. 'This is not my fault, before you accuse anything around you. This is not anybody's fault except your own.'

'Untrue!' Megatron disagreed angrily, hurling a clawed hand out in passion. 'How is it my fault that my alleged leader goes around-'

'Enough!' Sam snapped, trying to raise his voice to a higher level of that of the mech's. It didn't quite work, but the furious commander actually ceased his tirade, narrowed optics returning to the wall behind Sam.

The teenager continued after a moment's silence, exerting his newfound power. 'Now. Many habits of your race are unknown to me- thank God- but as far as I know, it takes two to tango.'

The Decepticons shared bewildered side-glances.

Oh God, he was going to have to say it.

'Copulate,' Sam managed to rush out in a wheeze.

'Tango,' the Fallen snorted with a hiss. 'Howww doesss thisssss relate to ittt? Tango? I might asssss welllllll rettturn to my recharge-'

'Shut up,' Sam commanded. 'I am speaking.' He waited for silence to be restored, and dragged it out for a couple of seconds before continuing. 'All of you are responsible for this.'

Megatron snarled.

'I'll send you out,' Sam warned.

The huge mech huffed, but unbelievably quietened.

'You'll provide me with a sample of your DNA now.'

Oh, never before had he seen such scowls!

Sam snapped his fingers at Megatron. 'You first. You wanted this, so hand it over. C'mon.'

'I'm afraid I wouldn't know how,' the Decepticon declared, optics shuttered in innocence.

Sam didn't believe him for one moment, but decided to move onto the next target. Credit to the mech; Starscream had been the only one to not interrupt thus far. Clearly he had some hidden form of decorum or respect- or perhaps, Sam thought wryly, perhaps he was simply conditioned to not interrupt.

'Starscream, you first. Megatron, if you don't know, watch now- just watch now.'

The Seeker's wings twitched uncomfortably. 'I'd rather not.'

So much for that, then. Sam narrowed his eyes. 'Fallen.'

'Too tiredddd.'

The teenager wearily rubbed a hand across his forehead, then walked away, peering over the edge of the table.

Optics watched him suddenly. 'Boy, what are you doing?'

'I'm leaving,' Sam informed, precariously leaning towards the drop. 'Unless I have a sample of DNA within ten seconds, I'm leaving this whole thing. Kaput.'

'This was your idea,' he heard Starscream hiss at somebody from behind him.

And then inspiration struck the human: 'Of course, it doesn't matter how the samples are attained.'

Naturally, any excuse for violence was eagerly snatched up- with no time for as much as an enraged shriek, Starscream was hurled to the wall.

'We are go,' the Fallen winked, one of his hands raised and using (what else could it be?) the Force to pin the Seeker against the solid metal.

Megatron was already beside Starscream and inspecting his shoulder, joyfully flexing his claws and prodding the armour gently.

'Nononononono,' the trapped Decepticon whimpered, attempting to wriggle away.

'Yesyesyesyesyes-!'

Sam watched, slightly uncomfortable with the proceedings- but now at least secure in the knowledge that he did (for some strange reason) have a slight power over the aliens (even though the Fallen and Megatron did seem to be enjoying themselves a little too much).

Starscream yelped as Megatron's claws penetrated a gap in his armour and proceeded to rip a panel off with much drama (and no doubt prolonging the suffering as much as possible).

Sam winced and averted his eyes as the commander continued to peel away with a delighted grin. 'Less of the sadistic enjoyment, please.'

'Yesssssss Ssstarscream,' the Fallen sniggered. 'Stop enjoying yoursssself.'

'Ohoho, what have we here?' Megatron- who had been busy scrutinising the open wound created in the smaller Decepticon's shoulder- was now digging his claws into something and scraping harshly.

This had a far more potent effect on Starscream, who howled in agony- he was released by both mechs and crumpled into a smallish ball on the floor, shaking and clutching his shoulder.

'It's always easier if you comply,' Megatron informed knowledgeably as he returned to Sam.

At that point, the teenager noted a lack of lean hugeness in the room- the Fallen had teleported off somewhere.

'He'll get you his sample,' the Decepticon declared. 'He just won't do it in front of you, the pathetic fogey.'

Sam held out an absurdly small test tube, and Megatron flicked some minute hard metallic ribbons into it.

'What is that?' the human asked, intrigued.

'Protoform,' Megatron explained casually over Starscream's whimpering.

'Equivalent to what?' Sam asked, inspecting the sample with one eye closed. 'Um, flesh? Bone?'

'Do not try to draw parallels between my noble race and your own, mammal.' Megatron snapped. 'Flesh? You insult me.'

'Bone marrow,' Starscream managed a pained gasp from the floor, wings clearly lowered and quivering. 'Pain might be like that of- extraction.'

Megatron rolled his optics, inspecting his right arm as he did so. Sam couldn't help but do the same, awestruck by the gigantic limb. Abruptly, some of the armour began to shift, rippling away from an epicentre. Megatron used his other clawed hand, almost carefully scratching at something within.

Sam tried to stand on tiptoe to get a look at what it was, stretching up as high as he could-

Megatron flicked him fondly, his job finished. 'Hardly anyone should see your protoform, boy.'

Sam tottered backwards and stumbled, falling onto the table. 'Ow.'

With a deep sigh the alien reached towards him- Sam lifted up another test tube, noting a grimace as Megatron's armour shifted, re-covering his forearm.

'Painful?'

The Decepticon answered with a dismissive snort as he flicked his offering inside. 'Not at all.'

Sam scratched his head with a snort of his own. 'Course not.'

'I am Megatron.' (Apparently that meant something.)

'You can still hurt,' Sam shrugged, placing his new sample into his test tube rack.

'That's life. Why complain about it?'

'Nice philosophy,' the teenager remarked sarcastically.

'What would you know about it?'

'Hey, I never asked to be in a war.'

'Nobody asks, insect.'

'I bet some people have a choice.'

'Hm. How much of life is choice, boy? Surely some of it is fate.' Megatron was watching him closely now.

'I'm not getting into a debate with you,' Sam decided. 'Not what I'm here for.'

'Who is to say why any of us are here?'

'Stop it,' Sam warned, pointing a finger. 'Where's the Fallen?'

Megatron sulked for a moment quietly. 'He's resting.'

'Get him back here,' the teenager ordered wearily, rubbing his forehead with the base of his palm and turning away. He headed back over the dividing ledge and began to set up the experiment.

At that very moment the Fallen finally reappeared, scowling. He flicked his sample detachedly at Sam, who somehow managed to catch it before hurriedly dropping it into the test tube.

'Be careful, boy,' Megatron warned with a deceivingly serious expression. 'That's a relic. It's ancient enough to crumble at any moment.'

'Much like its donor,' Starscream added with an amused flick of his wings before returning to the nursing of his shoulder.

The Fallen bristled dangerously, his wiggly appendages wiggling. 'Silenccccce, insolent youthssss.'

Sam interrupted the consequential snarls. 'How the hell do you lot ever get anything done?'

'We have a fight,' Megatron shrugged, easily distracted.

Sam repeated the words incredulously. 'You have a fight. Of course, why didn't I guess?'

'Whoever comessss outttt on top hasssss the final ssssssay,' the Fallen explained.

Now the teenager was confused. From the limited information he knew about the Decepticons, they were (fairly) regimented. 'I thought you had a hierarchy?'

'Oh, we do, but we have occasional disagreements.'

'Because you two are idiotic,' Starscream felt brave enough to point out.

'So what are you?' Sam demanded, pointing at the Fallen. 'Where do you come into this?'

'At the very topppp.'

'But Megatron's at the top.'

'I'm on topppp of Megatronnnn,' the Fallen insisted.

'You just making this up?' Sam glanced at Megatron doubtfully for confirmation. 'Playing with me? Toying?'

Megatron looked petulant. 'It's sort of true.'

Starscream was finding something humorous, mouth quirking in a near snigger behind a hand. 'He doesn't like to admit it.'

'Is that because he's Megatron?' Sam asked quietly.

'Exactly.'

'One last thing before I get on with this,' Sam announced.

'Well?'

'Hurry up,' the Fallen ordered. 'I have important thingssssss to be doing.'

Sam glared at him before turning to Megatron. 'Go over to Starscream and apologise.'

'Why the Pit should I?' the commander hissed.

'Because you hurt him. You could have been far more considerate- I saw the difference in force you used between your protoform and his.'

'I am Megatron. I am not considerate!'

'You can still treat your soldiers with respect,' the human insisted. 'Now apologise nicely. No violence.'

Megatron growled, but stormed away and threw himself down next to Starscream.

The Seeker (who may well have heard every word of their conversation) edged slightly away.

'Wuss,' Megatron scorned.

'Afthole,' Starscream sniffed miserably, still clutching at his shoulder without touching the injury.

The commander clearly wanted to inspect the damage, somewhat gentle claws tugging at the other's hand. A now silent Starscream unwillingly allowed him access.

'That looks rather sore,' Megatron exclaimed sympathetically.

Starscream said nothing.

'Is it sore?' Megatron asked lowly, claws edging dangerously close to the still open wound.

'Y-yes.'

Sam almost felt all warm and fuzzy inside at the progress they were making. They were even 'talking' now.

'Oh, did I hurt you? I'm sorry,' Megatron crooned, then abruptly smashed the Seeker's face into the floor. 'Grow up, you snivelling wretch.'

'Woah, woah!' Sam cried, hurrying over. 'I said no violence!'

'That wasn't violence,' Megatron protested, claws held up innocently as a wide-opticed Starscream coughed gutturally. 'I was encouraging him.'

'No, that was violence!'

'I was boosting morale,' the commander argued.

'Whatever, you creep. We're starting again. You too, Starscream.'

Starscream winced as he slowly stood, trying not to move his arm too much.

There was a heavy sigh as Megatron clambered to his feet, grabbing the Seeker's limb and using it as leverage to pull himself up. Both standing, they glared at each other for a moment.

'May I have my arm back?' Starscream snapped.

Megatron tugged it roughly with a snigger- the other Decepticon toppled back onto the ground.

Patience wearing thin, Sam eventually led them back to the line-up and eyed each of them angrily. 'This is never gonna work if you don't try and understand each other.'

'I understand Starscream perfectly,' Megatron insisted.

'I didn't say it was your turn to talk,' Sam overrode.

Megatron returned to a sulky silence.

'You have to empathise and respect each other.' Sam glanced at the silver commander, who had begrudgingly flicked his claws in the air. 'Would you like to speak, Megatron?'

'Evidently.'

With a slightly smug grin, Sam gestured for him to start.

'I understand Starscream perfectly. If I had been nice- and I mean your pathetic standard of 'nice'- he would continue to feel sorry for himself.'

'Point made,' Sam concluded, turning to look at the accused mech. 'Would you like to retaliate?'

'With my fist, yes! I have every Primus forsaken right to feel sorry for myself,' Starscream snapped.

'Fallen?'

'Needs his nap,' Megatron cut in nastily.

Sam was about to reprimand the huge alien when he glanced at the Fallen and saw that the odd-looking Decepticon's optics were dull.

'He's recharging. As ever,' Starscream muttered bitterly. 'Lazy s-'

Sam clapped his hands together brightly, no doubt interrupting a foul insult. 'Right, ready to go!'

'You aren't,' the Seeker disagreed reluctantly.

The human trusted his judgement, but even after a mental check remained utterly nonplussed. 'What did I miss?'

Starscream was incredulous. 'DNA from the hatchling.'

'Ah, I can see why that would help,' Sam hastily agreed whilst hurrying over to the tiny Transformer. It was still lying on his table and seemed pretty approachable. 'Very helpful, I'll do that now? Actually, maybe I won't because I don't know how. Could some big guy get over here and help?'

The hatchling lunged forwards and bit him.

'ARGHH!' Sam attempted to shake it off before realising that it was attached to his arm (therefore causing him pain) and heavy(causing yet more pain). He glanced around desperately, finding Starscream closest. 'Help, p-please?'

Starscream peered at him for a moment (perhaps debating whether to save his life or not) before punching the hatchling; it collapsed into a small pile (thankfully, after releasing Sam).

'Did you kill it?' Sam demanded, edging away from them both warily and eyeing the still mound.

'Maybe,' Starscream said thoughtfully, crouching slightly to eye the cretinous child at a closer level.

'Why the hell did you punch it-?'

'It was a hazard to your health.'

'Did you just kill a baby?' Sam choked.

'It was going to die anyway,' Starscream shrugged.

'That isn't the attitude a responsible parent takes!' Still staring incredulously at the heap, Sam didn't quite know why he was trying to teach the Decepticon.

'Call me irresponsible, then. I am not a parent.' Starscream softly scratched the tiniest sliver of metal off the sparkling and deposited it into the test tube.

'You know,' Sam suddenly frowned, 'won't that affect the results? I mean, won't that have traces of your DNA on it?'

'It shouldn't do. But what does it matter anyway? Whatever the outcome is, I'm not going to get off lightly.' Starscream glanced at Sam's arm. 'He gave you a rather nasty bite.'

Sam realised with a sudden return to reality that his arm was in actuality throbbing and bleeding. He glanced down at it and cringed (luckily, not too mangled. Although it did have a nice and bloody crisscross pattern to it). 'Ow?'

'Nothing broken,' the Seeker concluded, eyeing it closely. 'But-'

'You're dawdling!' Megatron bellowed.

'Just making sure everything goes to plan!' Sam shouted hurriedly, attempting to cover the wound with his hand and then hissing in pain at the contact. 'Ahh, not a good idea, not a good idea-'

Within a second or two, the other two Decepticons were surrounding him.

'Blooddddd,' the Fallen sighed, apparently woken from his impromptu slumber.

'What did you do?' Megatron demanded, staring intently as the red substance trickled slowly to the underside of Sam's arm.

'The hatchling thing tried to eat me,' Sam explained, gritting his teeth against the burning pain.

'Boy, put your DNA in as well,' the silver mech urged suddenly.

'Why? I'm not its progenitor.' (Sam impressed himself with his vocabulary occasionally.)

Starscream did look suddenly interested. 'It would be fascinating to compare how your fragments will look compared to ours.'

'Yeah? Fine, then. Pass me that.' Sam hurriedly swabbed his cheek once Starscream had delicately handed him a bud.

'Use the blooodddddd,' the Fallen hissed, excited and shifting about animatedly.

'Uh, no,' Sam snapped around the object in his mouth.

Megatron watched, intrigued as the teenager pouted around the swab. 'I want to prod your soft flesh.'

'I bet.'

'Look at it, swelling and protruding around the swab! You're teasing me,' the commander nearly wailed.

Keeping a vigilant watch on the creepy Decepticon, Sam removed the swab from his mouth warily and dabbed it into yet another test tube. 'Happy now?'

The Fallen was practically prancing about now, waving a stick in the air and chanting.

Megatron and Starscream side-glanced the ancient Decepticon warily.

'Wha- what's he doing?' Sam managed to focus slightly on the absurd situation.

'He's about to try and kill you,' Megatron informed calmly.

'Oh, great! This day is just fantastic. And Mojo will be starving!' Sam shouted.

Megatron gestured at Starscream by means of optic ridge.

'Wha-at?' the Seeker whined. 'Why me?'

'Because you're my loyal servant, you idiot.'

With a last unhappy growl, Starscream hurled himself at the Fallen and the two dived about and rolled around in a furious exchange of blows.

'Well, get on with the experiment,' Megatron ordered. 'Starscream is buying you valuable time.'

'But I don't know what to do!' Sam wailed, racing over to his 'workstation' and staring unhappily at the varying bottles and solutions.

Megatron rolled his optics. 'STARSCREAM, WHAT SHOULD THE BOY DO?'

'Polymerase and primers!' Starscream howled, currently slamming his palm into the Fallen's chin.

'You afffft!' the Fallen hissed, clawing at the Seeker's side. 'My beautiful long chin, dented!'

Sam pipetted the various substances about into the test tubes, haste making him splurt some of the solutions over his hands. 'Is this stuff dangerous?'

'IS THIS STUFF DANGEROUS?' Megatron conveyed helpfully.

Starscream half-listened- and at the distraction, the Fallen stabbed his weird stick thing through the other's wing to an anguished yowl.

Megatron scowled as the Seeker crumpled to the ground, shrieking. 'Honestly, boy. One hit to those beloved appendages and he's lost.'

'Good to know,' Sam mumbled, haphazardly dropping the test tubes into a machine and closing the lid. 'They should get nice and toasty.'

'I thinkkk you ssssshoulddd attacckkk Megatron,' the Fallen suddenly announced smugly, now sitting on top of the Seeker he was addressing.

Starscream stopped struggling, panting. 'Excuse me?'

Megatron turned to view the stilled brawl. 'I second that question.'

'I'm overriddding hissss order to attackkk me. So attackkkk him.'

'You can't override my orders!' Megatron growled disbelievingly.

'I can tttoo. Higher rankkk, you imbecile.'

'Technically, your rank doesn't exist,' Megatron sniped.

'Starscream, attackkkk him!' the Fallen ordered.

'Do not attack me,' Megatron snapped. 'As you were.'

'Somewhat of a problem there,' Starscream hissed, trapped as he was.

'What is wrong with you?' the commander demanded. 'As soon as you're on your back you're worthless! You're too wide to even try and get up!'

'Thank you for the support,' Starscream wailed, straining to heave the Fallen off of him.

'Enough!' Sam shouted. 'Fallen, off Starscream. Get over here, all of you.'

It took them quite a while to comply; apparently the Fallen had decided to take another nap, and Starscream was crushed beneath him. For reasons Sam couldn't fathom, the ancient Decepticon couldn't be woken. In the end, Megatron kicked him away from the Seeker, even extending a hand to help the smaller Decepticon up.

'Glitch,' Starscream hissed at the recharging anorexic whilst inspecting his damaged wing.

'Yeassss,' Megatron agreed, sticking two claws up rudely at the body.

'What was that?' Sam demanded.

'I rather like researching human culture,' the commander explained cheerfully.

'That's not culture! That's- that's just cussing!'

'There's no pleasing you, boy.'

Sam decided to try and get back to the point. 'I want you both to promise that no matter the results of the test, you'll cherish the hatchlings and care for them as if they were your own.'

Almost worryingly, they readily agreed.

'After all,' Starscream shrugged, 'we don't care for our own.'

'Oh, I sort of care about you!' Megatron rumbled, looking slightly hurt. 'Who else could I abuse on a regular basis?'

'True,' the Second in Command admitted. 'Who else would be strong enough to take it?'

Sam was pleased that the two had a moment of almost friendly connection before the cynical part of his mind reminded him that having two murderous psychotics for parents couldn't be an overly good thing. 'Why don't the Autobots have any?'

'Any what, boy?'

'Any sparklings, my lord,' Starscream helpfully filled in.

'Oh, come on, boy. Your group of Autobots? Nobody in their right processor would think of reproducing with Ratchet and to do so with Ironhide would end up in explosions.'

'And Bumblebee is just too-' Starscream strangled the air, unable to articulate himself appropriately. 'Infuriating.'

'Too young, for one thing,' Megatron offered.

'Have you been eyeing him up?' the Seeker demanded suspiciously.

'No,' Megatron hissed. 'Have you? Whilst we're on the subject, I saw you looking at Optimus at Mission City.'

'Of course I was looking at him. Should I fire at my targets without looking at them?'

'I'm sure the Autobots wouldn't mind that,' Sam pointed out. 'Besides, you never gave a reason for Optimus.'

Megatron wrinkled his nasalplates disgustedly. 'Eh? Why would I want to reproduce with my own brother? You sick mammal, I bet you do things like that all of the time.'

'I don't have a brother!' Sam hurriedly cried.

'Then with your sister, your father, your mother!' Megatron continued. 'What do I care for your torrid habits?'

'He's too- too noble,' Starscream explained, returning to the subject of Prime. 'Annoying to the point of- eughhh!' Again he strangled the air.

Megatron looked pleased. 'See, incest-loving boy. Your Autobots are just ridiculous.'

'You may want to remove the test tubes from the thermal cycler now,' Starscream suggested. 'I modified it so that this pointless experiment could be over as quickly as possible.'

'So it's already replicated?'

'You are viewing a genius,' Starscream informed.

Megatron kicked him affectionately. 'He does love himself, boy.'

Sam returned to his station and opened the machine. His test tubes awaited, full of promise. With a (for some reason) nervous gulp, he pipetted a drop of each of the solutions into different wells in a plastic container (containing a sort of goopy set-liquidy thing), then breathed a massive sigh of relief. His part was done. 'Can I go now? There's nothing more for me to do-'

'Don't you want to see who the father is, boy?'

'Aren't you intriguedddddd?' The Fallen had finally awoken, looking very vaguely surprised to find himself on the floor.

Sam had to admit he was, and the fragments had already begun to separate- perhaps Starscream had added an accelerant of some sort.

'Shall we place betsssssss?'

'We can't play games with matters like this,' Sam informed stiffly.

'It's not yours,' Megatron snapped fiercely.

'You know it isn't yours,' the Fallen pointed out as the highlighted fragments raced across the gel.

'Not so, old mech. Could be because I was dead,' Megatron declared cheerfully. 'Might not know it then.'

Starscream muttered something very quietly in another language- the other two seemed not to notice and continued arguing.

Sam eyed the fragments, confused. '...I don't see how this works.'

Starscream easily peered over his shoulder. 'Oh dear.'

'In trouble are we, dearest?' Megatron had a look, then frowned. 'How can this be?'

The Fallen glared at the results from the other side of the table- Sam could have sworn one of his optics nearly popped out of his helm in disbelief. Indeed, this seemed to be a concern for the old mech. 'Are my opticcsssss malfunctionnnnning? Those resultssss seem- odddd.'

'Something's clearly gone wrong,' Sam laughed nervously. 'Contamination-'

'How the Pit can you be the father?' Megatron howled, stabbing a claw at him. 'You aren't even the same race!'

'Look, I don't know what happened- obviously my DNA somehow got mixed in where it shouldn't have and that messed it all up-'

'You fragged my Seeker?' Megatron bellowed.

Starscream rubbed his face wearily and mouthed an apology at Sam.

'Be realistic!' Sam pleaded. 'How could I have? I'm not even six foot! I haven't even seen any of you since Mission City!'

'No secret rendezvous?' Megatron demanded furiously.

'No!' Sam cried, thankful at last that the Decepticon was seeing sense-

'Then you must have done it then!'

'What- no! We haven't done anything at all!'

'Why, this explains those sneaky knowing looks behind my back!' Megatron shouted, then jabbed at Starscream. 'It explains you wanting to come back to Earth! It explains the feeble state of the hatchlings! I should have seen this!'

'You're not thinking straight,' Sam cried earnestly. 'How the hell are we compatible enough? How exactly did I impregnate him? Did I do it with my eyes?'

'You impregnatedddd him with your eyesss?' the Fallen hissed. 'Foul demon! Who are you to wield thissss power? Where did you learn it? I am intriiiigued…'

'You impregnated him with your eyes,' Megatron whispered in horror, then shouted hysterically. 'Stop looking at me!'

'This is ridiculous,' Starscream pointed out.

'Don't look at him, Starscream!' the commander hastily ordered. 'He'll get you again!'

'Nobody impregnates with their eyes!'

'Are you saying that you did it with him?' Megatron demanded. 'Because if he impregnated you with his eyes, that's a different story. You had no choice, there.'

'When do I ever have choice?' Starscream's rapid processor worked out the least painful option. 'It must have been the eyes, my lord.'

Sam caught a sympathetic wince sent in his direction.

'That's it!' Megatron roared. 'We're going back home and massacring the hatchlings; no army of mine will be half-fleshling!'

'Hoorah,' Starscream cheered, genuinely excited. 'Massacre!'

'Then we won't have a future army,' the Fallen pointed out wisely.

'There are ways to fix that problem.'

Sam didn't miss the meaningful glance this time.

'So that's why I'm late,' he told Mojo, using a small plastic shovel to dole out the appropriate amount of kibble. 'Just a load of misunderstandings and stuff.'

Mojo seemed inclined not to care; indeed, beyond sleeping the entire day away, no significant change had been made to his routine. Generally, his young master's arrival from school would wake him up and then Mojo would follow him around for a while until dinnertime. Nonetheless, the dog wasn't bothered. This lateness just meant that he seemed to get his dinner more quickly- an illusion he was happy to live with.

''bee!' Sam roared suddenly. 'Off the grass! Dadwillbehomeanyminute!'

Mojo watched the odd yellow car suspiciously for a moment through the kitchen window before barking authoritatively.

Yes, he scared that vehicle away back to the drive. It was even blaring something through its speakers in fear, no doubt warning off others of its kind.

'You are not handing me over to Ratchet,' Sam continued. 'My arm is fine.'

Mojo's beady eyes watched every move the boy made. Held by a hand, his food dish was currently flying through the air expressively.

'See? I can move it and everything. And besides, if there were a problem, I'd go to a doctor. And don't give me that 'Ratchet is a doctor', Mom would kill me.' Attention was returned to Mojo, as it should have been. 'Gee, Mo. After everything I've been through, I just can't help feeling guilty.'

Mojo stared at the food dish before reluctantly turning his gaze to Sam and yapping commandingly.

'Yeah, I know they're evil and all, but still.'

This happened a lot, sadly; the young master seemed to have conversations with thin air. Perhaps he was insane, Mojo thought briefly. Then his food bowl sailed through the air and was placed on the floor. All thoughts lost, the Chihuahua hastily bounded to the ground via stool and slipped across the tiles to crunch on his dinner. OHITWASGOOD.

As he watched Mojo devour his food, Sam felt relief spread through him: life was normal again, at least for now. But no matter how normal it was, he knew he wasn't going to shake the feeling of woah if he ever saw the Decepticons again- saying that, how was he supposed to face the Autobots? His own problems aside, Sam couldn't help feeling sorry for a certain Decepticon.

He was sure it was going to be a long night.

And that, I feel, is that. ;D

IT'S A TWOSHOT. I'm very pleased with myself; this is only the second fic that I've actually finished.

Thank you to my good pal colourfulchatterbox for getting my semi rolling. (: And indeed, cheers to all you people who have favourited, and thanks especially to the reviewers- you honestly can't understand how important a review is until you write things yourself.

I hope you enjoyed the ambiguity. xD No, I couldn't make the Daddy Decision! I may well have done in my head, but it's staying firmly there. ;D We'll leave the call to Bay, if he's not too busy exploding something.

So long and goodnight! Cx