"Okay everyone seems to be here," he said. "Let's begin shall we? First, today is baby sacrifice day."
Kyle Schwartz groaned. "O-oh Jesus. Last time I couldn't get the smell off of my hands for days. Do we really have to do that again?"
"Yes we do" Cartman said in a very dark tone. Wasting no time, Cartman reached into his pocket and pulled out a baby.
A baby carrot, that is. He removed some baby corn from a second pocket.
Ike pouted. "This is stupid. Can't we have a ritual orgy instead?"
Cartman slammed the food items down on a desk in frustration. "For the last time no! God dammit Ike, you know our membership is limited right now."
"It's small, Cartman! It's a small club with three members because a lot of people like Kyle. And -maybe- if we had some kind of orgy, those girls from the slash club finally -would- come over here like you promised they would!"
"I'm working on that! God dammit Ike, no gay orgies! I'm not a fag like you!"
"Do you mean that Eric?" Ike asked.
"Duh! Of course I mean it! I don't pound butt like you, homo!"
"Oh, okay," Ike said with a nod.
A clicking sound was heard.
cartman turned his head away from the small foods, looking in Ike's direction. The small boy was holding a recently stopped tape recorder.
"Give me that Ike," Cartman demanded calmly.
"Nope"
The larger boy glared. "I should've known better than to trust a fucking Jew."
Ike considered his options out loud, paying no mind to Eric's insults.
"Hmm...I could give this to you, or I could give it to the slash club and kill your chances in the trial."
"I could kill you and take it," Eric threatened.
"Are we still having baby sacrifice?" Kyle chimed in.
"SHUT UP!" the two boys demanded of him before going back to their ongoing negotiation. Kyle just backed away from the table very, very slowly. He nervously turned his focus toward some cabbage for the sacrifice.
Ike smirked. "Well, you -could- strain yourself and have a heart attack trying to get this away from me, or you could give me something I want."
"And that would be?" Cartman asked.
"More candy."
Cartman sighed. "Why are you doing this? I haven't done shit to you."
Ike grinned. "I stick by my brother, that's why. He really hates you and wants your plans in life to fail. I'm willing to help him do that unless you give me a good reason not to."
Eric shuddered at the idea of alligning himself with a Jewrat. What if he didn't get into Heaven because of it? Then again, he'd also lose a chance to screw over and manipulate a lot more people if he didn't make a deal with the little brat right now. Kenny deserved what was coming to him. Cartman couldn't pass that up.
"How'd you like to help me win the trial instead?" Cartman offered.
Ike blinked, confused by the question. "I'm blackmailing you here, dumbass."
"True" Cartman said. "But as long as we're negotiating, you can still come over to my side."
Ike scoffed at the proposition. He still had the fat boy where he wanted him. "And what would I get in return?"
Cartman thought this over, pacing the room in brief contemplation.
"Hmm...Well, if you work with me, you'll get more candy. If you screw me over, I go tell your mom you've been sneaking non-kosher sweets in, asshole!"
Ike gasped, his eyes going wide. It had to be an empty threat. "You wouldn't!"
"Try me" Cartman challenged. He cleared his throat, and followed up the statement in the most sickeningly sweet tone he could muster. "Mrs. Broflovski, I saw it with my own two eyes. It was terrible! Little Ike was totally disrespecting your religious beliefs."
Ike rolled his eyes. "Help you huh? How?"
"Just go to the trial with me next week. With your help, I know I can make Kenny and Butters look like cheating, heartless sluts. I'll win for sure then."
Ike glared up at him. "Fine!"
Cartman nodded, victorious at all costs as always. "But I'd -better- win this case Ike. If you screw me over again, so help me God-"
"Yeah, yeah," Ike said, waving dissmissively as he walked out of the club meeting in defiance.
"AY! You do not walk away from me when I'm threatening you! Ike you get back here right now"
Ike flipped him off and kept walking down the hallway. Cartman followed after him, making sure to smack Kyle for good measure on the way out.
"God dammit respect my authroitah!" he ordered the boy. As they argued, they walked past a few of the girls from the slash club in the hallway.
"...Is that pairing hot?" One girl asked, a bit creeped out and confused.
"I...Don't know...They're both boys, and Ike has a cute ass," the other responded. "But I think Cartman is only using him to get to his brother or something. I could see that pairing working."
"Ohmigawd I so could too!" the other girl replied cheerfully.
"Cartman and Kyle forever!"
Off in the distance, Cartman finally stopped arguing with Ike.
He had to go to the bathroom and puke again.
TBC