Sanji had to admit that what he was doing now could only be described as chain-smoking. He exhaled a puff of smoke sharply and stabbed the butt of his cigarette into the already overflowing ashtray, the galley where he was hiding was now so full of smoke that the ceiling was slightly obscured.
He had to admit though that he wasn't worrying about what he thought he would be worrying about. He freaking out more about the fact that it was Zoro that he'd been previously entangled with in Chopper's medical room than he was freaking out about the fact that Zoro was a man. Somehow Zoro's gender wasn't so much an issue as the fact that it was ZORO.
He and Zoro hated each other. Okay he thought with a wince, they didn't hate each other, their previous conversation in this very room disputed that fact. But they didn't exactly get on did they? Matter of fact, they aggravated the shit out of each other. So why had Zoro thrown himself at him? And why had he responded so eagerly?
Fuck. It had been so much easier to resist when he thought that Zoro didn't know who he was, when he thought that Zoro had him mistaken for someone else. But the way Zoro had spoken his name.
A shudder of desire ran down Sanji's spine.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Sanji lit another cigarette.
How long had Zoro wanted that? Wanted him? Had he wanted the same thing too without ever realising it? He had to have done, or else why would it have felt so good and so right? After all there was only so much that being at sea without female company could excuse you for, and if there was one thing which that encounter hadn't felt like was a substitute. He hadn't responded to Zoro because there was no one else, he'd responded precisely because it was Zoro and not someone else.
Sanji's conscience chose this moment to kick him whilst he was down. Exactly how drugged had Zoro been at the time? And possibly drunk as well? Zoro had only said what he did and done what he did under the influence, and Sanji had taken advantage.
The thought hit him like a bucket of ice cold water to the face.
What, his conscience continued, would he have thought if someone had done that to the ladies? Would he think that it was a good enough excuse that the intoxicated party had started the kissing? Would he excuse that person then? Especially if said person had been the one responsible for the intoxicated state of the other?
No, he wouldn't. He'd have kicked and screamed at the kind of asshole that does that sort of thing. Creeps did that sort of thing, getting someone so drunk that they had no inhibitions and taking advantage. Sleezy guys in bars did that, slipping something, maybe extra booze or perhaps some chemical, into some pretty unaware lady's drink and then taking advantage. How was this any different? Especially since he'd forced that last dose of medicine down Zoro's throat against his will. The fact that he'd drugged Zoro to protect him rather than to take advantage of him in that state made it almost no better. He'd barely resisted at all when Zoro had kissed him, not thinking about how mortified or ashamed Zoro might be at his actions, if he remembered at all. And how could he, the man that was supposed to be Zoro's nakama, Zoro's friend, how could he face him after that?
But… the way Zoro had said his name, the way he'd breathed that he wanted this for so long… Zoro wanted this. Wanted him.
Agh. That sounded worse, now he sounded like one of those creeps defending themselves. Honestly, she was all over me, she was gagging for it. What was I supposed to do when she clearly wanted me? Oh god. He was a creep. He felt the need to scrub himself all over with bleach to get the dirty feeling off of him.
Suddenly there didn't seem to be enough cigarettes in the world to calm him down from this.
No, no, no. He needed to stop thinking about this. He twisted the tap above the galley's sizeable sink and splashed cold water on his face, there, that felt a little better. He turned the tap off and stared absently at the spot on the panelled wall above the sink.
What he'd done to Zoro was inexcusable really, but he'd done it now and he couldn't undo it. So what should he do next? Clearly anything that he was going to do was going to have to wait until Zoro was completely back to normal mentally, as normal as Zoro ever got anyway. Would Zoro remember? If he didn't should he confess to Zoro about what happened? On the one hand it was the honest thing to do, but if Zoro didn't remember then telling him would just likely upset or embarrass him in addition to potentially destroying their entire relationship. God, what if the crew found out?
He could imagine that now. A furious and ashamed Zoro surrounded by his nakama, all glaring disgustedly at him. Luffy's hat would be low over his eyes and he'd order Sanji off the boat, 'we're no longer nakama'. That idea was horrible, but he deserved it didn't he? After what he'd done to Zoro he wouldn't blame them. But no, he'd not had evil intentions, he'd not set out to humiliate Zoro or to take advantage.
His conscience kicked him then, sure he had, he'd been practically gleeful when Zoro told him about his sushi. The idea of holding that over Zoro had filled him with evil joy. How was that morally acceptable and kissing Zoro back wasn't? God, did it matter why? Maybe he should just throw himself overboard and save everyone else the trouble.
But… he'd felt something when Zoro had kissed him, when he'd realised that Zoro wanted him. Or might have wanted him. That wasn't even clear. Had Zoro even understood what he was saying? Either way it'd sparked something in Sanji, and now that the guilt had quelled his lust he knew with horrible certainty that he'd felt something else at that kiss. Was he actually attracted to Zoro? Not Zoro with muscles and strong hands and earrings that jangled when he kissed but… oh god, he shouldn't go down that route. Did he actually feel some attraction to Zoro with all of those ideas removed?
What was Zoro even like? Well… he was lazy. Sort of. When it came to doing chores Zoro was lazy as hell… unless they were really important ones like checking that the ropes to the sails were okay so the ship didn't fall apart in a storm. And he certainly wasn't lazy when it came to his training. So… not lazy then, not really. Okay, so he drank more than a fish, that was hardly an attractive quality was it? Except… Zoro didn't get drunk when people needed him sober, and it wasn't like he couldn't survive without booze, the man wasn't an alcoholic or anything.
God damnit, did he even know a damn thing about Zoro that was actually true? He calmed down and tried to think about Zoro's positive qualities. He was loyal. Yes… that didn't need qualification. He'd already proved that he'd follow Luffy to the ends of the earth and he'd risked his life for all of his nakama, even if he didn't like them much at the time. Okay, that was something.
Zoro was strong, that was certain. Mentally as well as physically. Sanji didn't worry about him, not really. It didn't matter that Zoro always got ass-backward lost on any island given half the chance because Sanji knew that Zoro could take on whatever he found there. So, Zoro was strong and loyal, what else?
What else would you want? His brain chimed in.
The thought settled slowly. He'd never really thought about what he wanted someone to be like, nothing other than superficial things like pretty and, you know, female. God, was being female something superficial now? But, that disturbing thought aside, if he had to pick traits for someone important to him to have loyal, strong and brave were up there at the top of the list.
He would have picked smart too but Zoro wasn't exactly the brightest bulb out there was he? Robin and Nami were certainly smarter. But, to be fair, Zoro got the important things. And he was a verifiable genius at fighting, if that was something one could be smart in. Plus, there was the niggling suspicion that Zoro could be good and smart at other stuff if he could be bothered.
Sanji lit another cigarette and allowed himself to think that he was sounding like a fifteen year old girl about this whole thing. He flicked the loose ashes into the sink and thought about the situation some more. So if there was a possibility that he actually liked Zoro, because he was refusing to use and other l-based word this early into anything when he was serious, then what was he going to do about it? And what if despite what Zoro had breathed into his ear Zoro hadn't actually been talking about him? What if Zoro didn't feel anything for Sanji other than irritation and nakama-ship?
Sanji shook his head at that. Zoro in his more lucid moments in the galley had pointed out that he felt more for Sanji than just the relationship that he felt with any nakama. But still, it was more than possible for that to be true and for Zoro to be completely uninterested in… whatever it was that Sanji was feeling or offering.
Sanji shook his head and finished his cigarette. This was unproductive, all he could do was to wait until Zoro was back to normal and then see what the lay of the land was like then, until that time he should be cooking.
Sanji had served up lunch to the crew and was standing at the table considering his food choices. They were entirely too green for Sanji's taste, he wondered if it was his subconscious trying to get at him. Even if the food itself wasn't green, the ingredients were. He'd served a hearty leek and potato soup, each bowl served with a small sprig of parsley settled on the top. This was in addition to the rosemary and thyme infused bread on the side, Sanji looked unhappily at the little green leaves on the bread. Then, as if to add insult to injury with his colour fixation he'd served a platter of grapes and figs with delicately sliced kiwi fruit around the side as something sweet after the meal. He was just contemplating his colour decisions when an angry Chopper burst through the door.
Chopper was rarely angry, so this fact in itself was enough to startle Sanji and that was before the little doctor yelled his accusation at Sanji.
"You poisoned him! AGAIN!" Chopper had shouted, pointing a shaking hoof at Sanji.
In retrospect Sanji had thought that accusation quite mean. Chopper knew damn well how guilty Sanji had felt about the whole thing, and it wasn't as if Sanji had actually poisoned Zoro at all. Poisoning implies giving someone something, well, poisonous. What he'd given Zoro had certainly been harmful, that was for sure, but then again enough water could be harmful too, but no one had ever poisoned someone with water now had they? Sanji in retrospect had felt rather indignant about the whole matter and had wished that he'd said something along those lines to Chopper at the time. However, because of his already guilt ridden state over both Zoro's original condition and his previous actions, namely kissing Zoro back and hanging off of Zoro's shoulders and hips like a cheap suit, he just spluttered in surprise. Eventually that progressed to a self-pitying whine and him collapsing into his chair.
"You gave him double the dose that he should have had! AND that's on top of what I'd given him barely an hour before that!" Chopper added furiously.
"I'm sorry!" Sanji wailed, head in his hands.
"I had no choice! He was going to escape and get hurt! There were pirates out there!" He'd insisted, apparently temporarily forgetting that not only was he a pirate himself but that Zoro was too. Chopper however didn't seem to be having any of it.
"And you couldn't find any other way of restraining him?" The doctor demanded.
"You think I didn't try that first?" Sanji had snapped back.
"I tried lying to him and then physically restraining him, but it didn't work! Drugging him wasn't exactly my first choice you know!" Sanji exclaimed jumping up angrily.
It was probably a good thing that he didn't notice Usopp elbow Franky and ask in a whisper with a giant grin whether or not that had been Sanji just admitting that Zoro could and had taken him in a fight. If he had heard that, or the ensuing snickering from both parties he would have been forced to kick the pair of them through a wall, and goodness knows that he didn't need anything else to feel guilty about.
Chopper seemed to deflate with a weary sigh and rubbed his forehead in a stressed gesture.
"Is… is he okay?" Sanji asked, his hands curling into nervous shaking fists on the table top. He also didn't notice Robin's small interested smile in his direction.
"He will be. He's sleeping it off now, he probably won't be awake for the rest of the day." Chopper sighed sitting down at the table.
Sanji slumped down into his chair and stared at his clenched fists, the knuckles were going white. He forced himself to let out a breath and relax his hands, Zoro was going to be okay.
"Gee Sanji, you look awfully anxious for someone who hates Zoro as much as you do." Nami pointed out harshly. Sanji twitched as he looked up at her. He felt Zoro's insult for Nami bubbling in his brain. Sea Witch. Did everyone think that he hated Zoro? He didn't hate him they just… didn't get on as well as they could. And apparently they wanted to jump each other, or… at least he was inclined to do so sober. He'd never been angry at Nami in his life but after her saying that he was starting to feel it.
He stood up suddenly, Zoro was clearly a bad influence on him, he should leave before he does something or says something that he'll know he'll regret.
"I'm not hungry." He said suddenly and perhaps slightly more sharply than he'd intended.
"I'm… I'm going to go on watch. Someone should be on watch so… I'll go. Watch." He muttered as he pushed the door to the galley open and walked out onto the deck. As the door swung shut behind him he caught a snippet of a conversation starting up again.
"Wow, Sanji looked scary." Usopp said in his cowardly voice.
"Hm, I can't imagine why." Robin replied with the sly smile so evident in her voice that Sanji could almost see it hovering in the air next to him.
Augh. This whole situation was a mess, he was a mess. He climbed up to the crow's nest and folded himself into a seat and decided to glare at the horizon until he felt better.