Lavi the PI

100 Birds + 2 Pennies v Lays≄ Chips % -man x Pi = WTF?

Disclaimer: I neither own -man nor the Lays Chips that appear on this Fan Fiction. No matter if you can't just have one chip. All rights to -man are owned by Katsura Hoshino Sensei. Also I don't own the 7 Eleven and Conoco stations here. And to finish this disclaimer off...No animals were harmed in the process of this fan fiction.

They say you can kill two birds with one stone; However, I can kill one hundred birds with one swing of my hammer. Then again I wouldn't want to kill birds, I mean they fly and roam around with their little berry-sized brains and live their short and small lives in a big, big, world where humans and other animals and species live and thrive to survive. I would be considered a murderer in the bird country. One day I walk along the street passing a 7 Eleven gas station and all of a sudden I'll get pecked on by the family relatives of the one hundred birds that I had killed with my hammer.

I run to the 7 Eleven convenience store and close the door behind me. The clerk looks at me like I'm crazy or something, what did an orange haired, black-eye-patched man do to piss of so many birds? Of course I wouldn't explain my situation counting to the fact that he thinks I'm crazy enough already.

This white haired man can even kick me out of the store for disturbing the peace with my "fine feathery friends". The birds eventually fade away and I browse around feeling lucky that maybe some product might be worth a lucky penny I found on the ground before I was attacked by the mob of angry revenge-filled birds. Can a lucky penny get you anywhere? Can it give you back the time it took you to pick it up? Will you eventually wind up accidentally dropping it and giving some poor hobo a penny richer? If it is so, then so be it.

I'm not lucky this time everything's too damn expensive. Two pennies for a damn bag of Lays...How ridiculous can they get. The moment that it gets to be 99 pennies I will truly throw a bitch fit.

The white haired man at the counter looks at me suspiciously. Now that I see him, He doesn't look like an old man; he looks more like a kid working behind a register with some sorta scar on his face. A red mark, maybe he has a wife and his wife gave him a beating because he couldn't support the family with money now that everything is so godamn expensive. Or maybe his girlfriend slapped him cause he was cheatin on her with another girl...or maybe a guy...god that sent chills down my spine...but I can't let my own suspicions get on to reality. He's still just a kid so the probabilities of my thoughts are fictitious. He probably just got scratched by a cat. A very bitchy cat.

He asks if I need help with anything and I shake my head for an answer. Another man with jet long black hair comes into the picture. He looks pissed. Then again who wouldn't be pissed when you work in a stupid 7 Eleven convenience store and gas station and have to put on a fake-ass smile so people can come back again to buy gas from you or a bag of Frito Lays, that keep rising every godamn day. His glare roams to my stare and he comes over.

"Lavi, what the hell are you doing here?" he asks in a pissy tone that only men with rags can sound like.

"What can't I be chased in here by a hoard of pissy birds and act like a PI?" I answered back very wise-ass.

"You're obviously bored, aren't you?" he told me crossing his arms like a manager at a convenience store would do when faced with a problem.

"Look, if you don't want me here I can very easily take my business from here and move to the Conoco store right across from here." I said sounding more wise-ass than I have ever been.

"What business? You don't even have enough money to keep the patch on your eye" he sighed at me with that pissy sigh of his.

"Oh that's wise, Kanda, insulting one of your customers about how he can even maintain something so vital and personal to him, I am deeply affected and utterly wounded...Second of all how can anyone be able to buy anything here if it's so godamn expensive! You really gotta do like Wal-Mart and lower the prices." I said very smoothly making my way out of the store. I can see him from the corner of my eye. Rolling his eyes and shaking his head. Yeah he thinks I'm a disgrace to nature as he thinks his employee at the cash register is. What a NOT chivalrous man he is.

As I stroll out of the convenience store I make it to the end of the gas station where the street is facing me and waving at me saying it's a street and beware of cars. Clearly some butt-head thought no cars were coming and backed into one. I would have warned him but I felt like watching something. I cross the street just as the victim opens the door and starts yelling at the guy who backed up. No one seemed to blame me so I just made my way across to the Conoco station.

I open the door and I see a girl no older than 18 maybe younger...a teenage dame. She was behind the cash register with that fake-ass smile. No one's ever that peppy in the morning especially if they work at a gas station. No sir-err-ma'am. She eyes me and I take it like a complement. What woman can't resist me? Her long pigtails are a flirt especially that her hair is a shade of black, and how straight and flexible it is. It's just begging to be touched.

What a flirt, behind the cash register. Someone can easily steal something from here and sweet talk her into believing that you'll bring the money for her next week of in a couple of hours just as he goes to the bank and changes his check of 57 dollars he got from a pawned stereo set, who's left bass system is weak and the right, grainy. I wink at her and she giggles, laughing at her own joke in her own mind. Whatever she cooks up, up there, is probably better than what I'm cooking for her down there. I kid, I kid. Did I scare you? No? Did I freak you out? I should have...

I look at the chip section the Lays are branded 2 pennies. What the holy mother of all things that is inactive! This can't be happening. 2 pennies for a bag of chips...even on Conoco stores! This leads me to believe that in all store these Lays will always wind up being 2 pennies. One thought crossed my mind just now. What if the cost of a chip or M&M was half a penny? Would it be like....05 pennies? The world will never know.

I walk up to the cash register with the bag of chips with an idea emerging my horizon.

"Hey there flirtatious and incredibly sexy girl, these chips are incredibly pricey...do you mind maybe lowering them lets say...a penny perhaps?" I asked leaning on the counter and giving her a flirty look that makes me feel like a man-slut.

She giggles and hides her smile with her little right hand her nails long and painted black I could tell she is into the dark stuff. Just suddenly I heard a chainsaw behind me. At first I think,
"Ho, Shnippers! It's the Texas Chainsaw Massacre!" And I fling the bag of chips in the air and I watch it go slow motion into the hands of a guy with a beret and glasses. He looks at me with a crazed look in his eyes.

"What the hell are you doing, Lavi?!" he snaps loudly, more pissier than the pissiest of the pissiest himself, Kanda.

"I'm only trying to gamble a bag of chips, nothing more" I told him in all my seriousness of my seriousness.

"Ah, so you're not checking out my Lenalee are you?" he ponders in the distance. I look at him dumbfounded is his sister's singleness more important than a bag of chips? Apparently so...He flings the bag of chips to me and flips another penny into my hand.

"There you go, buy your chips and get out of here, you little hair ball" he says stopping the chainsaw and returning to whence he came. I paid the girl and left. She may have been attractive but I'm not too desperate to go on with a girl whose brother is the most overprotective of all the overprotectiveness of the overprotectivest, Komui.

I walk happily enjoying my bag of Lays chips. Then out of no where the pissy birds return and are on a rampage to kick the living day dreams out of me. I run with chips. I can't let go of them after all the trouble that I went to look for a bag of decent priced Lays even if I didn't get these at a cheap price. I was given charity and now they're gonna take it away from me.

Suddenly the white haired boy at the convenience store runs beside me. What the hell is he doing? Trying to kill himself? Apparently that's what I think.

"Lavi, you didn't notice! But you had a Lays chip on your hair the entire time! Birds are not that smart to know if you killed any of their relatives. They just want the chip on your hair! And did you notice? There's a ton more following you! That's because you have a bag full of them now!" he explains as he runs with me. Just about there I feel like I was looking for bait for those little bastards to follow me. My love for Lays could have been my coffin.

"Shut up! I went through so much for these godamn Lays! I can't let them go, you can't just have one chip!" that's when I realized the birds and I share the same love for Lays.

The white haired boy grabbed my Lays and threw them at a tree. The birds attacked it like girls to Vic Mignogna or Johnny Young Bosh. Two successful voice actors who voice more characters in animes than their heart beats or the number of times they've blinked.

I dropped to the floor sobbing in my own despair and sorrow over the loss of perfectly good Lays. The boy flicked my hair and a chip fell out. A Lays Chip.

"At least it's better than being pecked to death..." he says and walks back from where he came from.

I look at the chip next to me and I reach out for it only to be beaten by a bird who flew off with it. Man...that's dick... I walk home. Heart Broken. I drop my coat on the cold, cold floor just as cold as the birds were to me. Oh the agonizing agony of the agonizingest agony! I drop myself to the couch that is as lump as the lumpiest of the lumpiest himself, Allen. I wouldn't be surprised if he was filled with lumps I mean he's been hit so many times by inactive objects it's not even funny.

The whole day passes and I have yet to come to a conclusion to my question of the day that bothers me so much. Is a half penny .05? and if so what else other than a chip would cost .05 pennies???

The End?

NO IT'S NOT THE END!

Oh O.K. Then...

Not The End.