Lavi the Pi: Christmas Edition
:Part One:
Disclaimer: I do not own -man. Katsura Hoshino Sensei owns them. I didn't buy them at Wal-mart or Walgreens. The closest things they sell of anime there are like...Yu-Gi-Oh and Pokemon. No animals were harmed in the creation of this fan fiction.
Some people say "Santa knows when you're good and he knows when you're bad." But what if you do it secretly? Does Santa have secret cameras around my house? Does he stalk us? And how could he stalk us all? Does he send his elves to stalk us and take the form of lawn gnomes? That's what I'm here for to find out answers about the unknown.
"It's Wal-mart" they say the Santa factory is. Others say "It's Walgreens" cause of the way the commercials give its appearance. So I decided to give both stores a little visit with my new assistant, Allen, the white haired young man from the 7 Eleven convenience store, decided to join me in my investigations. Maybe he'll be more of a use to me than he looks.
We enter the store bewildered; we get a breeze of cool air, man what a good breeze. Allen looks like he had an orgasm, and I walk in, what a fellow.
The first thing we see. Frosty, the snowball-built man. Allen circles him like a football coach getting after a football player for giving them a yellow flag after running the wrong direction to the opponent's side. Then he starts knocking on his forehead and a hollow sound is heard.
"He's plastic" he says pointing to the plastic snow-ball man. Man when things appear to get good they have to get sucky.
"It could be a disguise...he probably is pretending to be plastic..." I said walking up to it like the kick-ass private investigator that I am.
Allen crouches down to a sign below the snow-ball man. The sign read $109. But just what was $109? Was it the serial number on him? Like he's #109. The 109th snow-ball man? That sent chills down my spine, man...like there's more of them somewhere else too...
"It probably charges $109 to say anything" said Allen in all his smartness. That's where the light bulb flicked on. That could be it! By god's divine strength! We might just have something here! But then a flow of negativity comes over me, we don't have that kind of money... I walk away from the snow-ball man saying
"We don't have that kind of language with us at the moment. It's possible that other snow-ball men have the same details as this one...and at a cheaper price than this cheapskate."
I look down at a creature with a brown body, big old bug eyes and a red nose. Just what the hell is this? A horse? If it is then...that is one UGLY horse. I flinch away at its ugliness. More uglier than a fat hairy man wearing a thong on a hot sweaty summer afternoon.
Allen practically flew to it from the snow-ball man he held it in his arms and embraced it like it was pretty or something. God I wanted to puke maybe it was too cute in a girl sense...but if so then why would Allen like it...? Allen squats down to its eye level and stares at it in the same goofy expression that it was staring at him.
"Ah, so it's a stare contest you want. A stare contest you'll get"
"Rudolf" I read from the sign on the floor. What could Rudolf do to spill the beans about Santa's factory? And even if he knew where Santa's factory was does he know the human language? The thing was barely communicating with Allen what makes me believe it will talk to me?
I walk over to Allen and rest my hand on his tense shoulder. So tense that it felt like stone. What the hell does he have under his coat? A bullet vest? Maybe he found it cheap at a police store for $52.60 or something and decided to buy it with his MasterCard on credit or something.
"Allen, there's nothing we can do for Rudolf. He refuses to talk. Lets go deeper into Wal-mart and see if we can even find Santa himself" I said more husky than the huskiest of the huskiest, husky* himself.
Allen looks up and I see his eyes are dry after the longest time without blinking. I bring out my eye dropper and drop water drops in his really dry eyes. Damn anymore and it would have beaten the Grand Canyon and all it's dryness. Maybe a crocodile. His eyes wouldn't need eye drops they'd need lotion.
We walk over to another section. It was quiet only the Christmas music sounding from the speakers above us and the really annoying interruptions of the little meaningless announcements that they give out to call another person that's in the tire department while the guy in the tire department is probably just eating a sandwich and watching Family Feud on the T.V. and he never hears the announcement. While the people that go there just to hear the Christmas music have to wait that long wait so they can shut up so they can relax and shop with the happy Christmas melody falling out the speaker.
We see the mother (well FATHER) of our search. Santa himself. He was small, with beady little eyes. It gives me an idea that Santa can change his size, and by the looks of all the little Santas around the aisle he was BUSY with Mrs. Clause. Or maybe he cloned himself to make little tiny Santas while Mrs. Clause only dreams of the time when Santa will ever think about having a baby that will take over the family business once Santa retires. Oh man what a sad Christmas it will be when ever he retires.
Also if people purchase the Santas they take home a Santa Cam that will watch over their children and he will give them gifts if they are naughty or nice. So that the ones who don't have Santas he can watch over with the Air Cam.
"Sweet mother of apricot Sundays...I think we've finally got our solution to Wal-mart. Wal-mart is our Santa Cam factory. Where people will buy Santas and give Santa the luxury of not having to go to your house to not look after you." I say holding the Santa in my arms and glancing up like I've seen god.
Allen brings over a Santa and somehow picks a button making the Santa move and talk. It starts singing a song and dancing.
"I like to move it, move it. I like to move it, move it, I like to move it, move it. I like to... MOVE IT!" It starts singing and shaking its butt to the rhythm of its own little beat and lyrics, dancing with a candy cane in one hand. Damn that Santa has a big butt old ladies will probably buy it and stare at it all the time wishing their husband will do the same for them, but their husbands are probably too old to even move their hips, they'll probably brake them so in the middle of the night the old jealous husband will snatch the Booty Shakin Santa and shoot it with a really old BB gun and laugh so hard that they will die themselves of heart attacks.
"Hey...I think it's trying to tell us something! Uh huh...uh huh...I see...OH! I finally get it! He's saying he likes to move it! But move what? The candy cane? Or maybe he means he likes to move his Santa factory to many places so people won't be locked on one place and call it the Santa factory!" concludes Allen with one breath. I bring him over an air machine so he could breathe after that.
"Yes...you've got a point there. Maybe he moved his Santa factory over to Walgreens..." I say with a hand on my chin. It could be possible that he is correct. All of what he said is very convincing. It can convince the inconvincible and the inconvincible to the convincible.
"How much does this Santa Cam charge for more details? It seemed to have given us details for free, so I'm thinking we owe it something. But what does it want? Doesn't he have enough with that candy cane there?" I grabbed it and looked around the box that it was coming with. It was strapped to it with white pieces of rope. Maybe it needed to escape and be free.
"It says here $10.13. Man this one is real cheap it's nothing more than 10.13 we've got a bargain!" says Allen cheering of the slight bargain we got here.
"Maybe we can gamble with it and see if we can get him to tell us more for $5.13 It's hell of a lot better and we can even throw in to let it free." I say balancing the box on my right hand to try and scare it.
"Hmm you've got a point...let's get going!" says Allen a little over excited. We make it over to the cash register where the same flirtatious girl, I believe it was Lenalee, was attending the customers. I snicker having dealt with her before makes the gamble a little easier.
Allen looks a little confused at me like he doesn't even know what the meaning of "flirt" is. What an odd fellow. I walk up to the cash register and smile with that big million dollar smile and I'm able to see her a lot better. When suddenly my jaw drops it isn't that Lenalee girl. This time it is a girl with short curlyish maybe wavyish dark brown hair.
It looks like she has panda eyes, the make-up under her eyes like that L person from Death Note. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if she was his lost sister or something...The name tag on her Wal-mart vest says "Miranda" so at least I have her name.
I guess it must have been the way I made my entrance to her or something cause she was blushing. Yeah it was probably my handsome smile. Allen just stands there giving me that same look that he did the first time he saw me. A look saying "WTF?" I clear my throat and put the Booty shakin Santa on the black thing that goes forward so the cashier can pick it up and scan it.
Instead of gambling it I just pay the whole thing. I feel weird just gambling when my chances were already slim. Man...how embarrassing...Allen just smiles like nothing had happened. Of course he wouldn't know about my attempt to lower a bag of Lays Chips from the Conoco station. He works just across from there. I doubt he would understand how I am.
We walk out of the Wal-mart passing by the air blast-breeze. Allen got a bit distracted by the crane machines he just couldn't help himself and he ran over there with a shiny coin in his hands. I walk over to him lugging the Wal-mart branded bag with the Booty Shakin Santa in it. He pops in the coin and starts moving the crane over to a little yellow golem looking thing. It had wings, I kinda reminded me of the Golden Snitch from Harry Potter.
The little claw starts falling down and it snatches the golden-yellow golem. Wow, first time and he got it. The little claw started making its way back to it's take off site and it drops it in the shoot. Allen excitedly digs into the square doggy-door looking thing and he fishes out the yellow-golem he had rightfully won.
I glance at him wide eyed. How the hell, man? He is truly an odd fellow. But then I can't really judge someone by their luck. This could have been his first win in maybe never. Or maybe he knows how to play that crane game, probably took some advice from Spongebob where he was teaching Squidward how to maneuver the crane and win something. Who knows maybe he watches too much Spongebob or maybe he's a real master at this crane game.
We make it out of the Wal-mart this time, completely out. The Walgreens is about 8 blocks from here and we look at each other. How the hell are we going to get there? Walking? I don't think so, Walking to Walgreens is going to be tough but I think we should take the bus.
Allen and I make it to the bus station where an old man sat. He looks really tired, like he just ran a marathon when he just made it there from his house which would be like a block away. Who knows maybe he has something wrong with his pelvis or has trouble walking. I don't know but I can't just assume anything.
We wait there for what seems like an hour. The old man starts snoring and it's making me twitch. Meanwhile Allen turns it into a beat. I don't know how the hell he can turn it into a beat. Or maybe he's singing a little song in his head maybe from some show or Spongebob. I don't even know what to look at anymore while we wait for the bus to arrive. The old man's saliva dripping down from his mouth or Allen playing with his little golem pet thing.
"Ima name you 'Timcanpy' cause you look like a 'Timcanpy'" He says lifting the thing up in the air like a baby or something.
I roll my head around waiting. I hate waiting. It always feels like forever. Finally after what seemed like a thousand years the bus came around the corner and I jump up to my feet. Allen gets up and starts heading for the bus only to be beaten by the old man who seemed dead in the seat. WTF? How the hell did he get up so fast and manage to get on the bus before us?? What an odd old man... We walk in the bus and take our seats. We endure the bumpy ride and the crashing of our heads as the bus hit a big bump. HOLY MOTHER OF SOUR BEANS! We both rub our heads and soothe out the pain. I look up and I see the Walgreens sign approaching. The bus driver made a stop at a bus stop and we get off paying the man before we did.
Great 75 cents gone down the toilet because we didn't want to walk. I should take this money business more serious...we walk to the Walgreens that was right in front of us now. Its unique diagonal entrance makes it stand out from all the others whose entrance is just normal. Walgreens could really have something here. With its uniqueness maybe they have some unique things here. The Hallmark cards can really be a treat, maybe they'll really tug at your heart, like puppies that look at you with big old button bug eyes and beg you to take them from the hell of the store.
We both look at each other and nod.
"Alright...lets go" I say looking up at it like a giant.
"Right!" he says with an over exaggerated throw of his hand to the air.
*Husky - Character from +Anima =D
End of Part One 1