Lavi the P.I.: Gobble Gobble

Disclaimer: I don't own D. Gray -man and all its D. Gray -manness...Katsura Hoshino-sensei-sama owns all the greatness this anime can offer. I'm just kicking it up a notch ;]

Turkey day is just around the corner. It's so near, so close I can smell it. The stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, and of course the turkey itself. My chummy assistant and I thought it would be a great idea if we invited the Elrics over for the get together. Maybe some other interesting characters that come our way, so now begins the hunt for the perfect turkey. Will we find a kick-ass one, or a crappy-ass one? According to Allen...a kick-ass one...

I put my Eskimo jacket on, no it's not just for my protection against Tim's violent driving but against the cold as well. It's only November and the cold is like a freaking shark, biting at anything that isn't covered, not even a hair blower would kill it off.

"Ya ready for the race?" says a voice behind me.

I turn and it's Allen wearing his black and white jacket. That thing isn't enough to cover you and not get bit by the raving shark outside...

"Yeah whatever lets go already"

"Come on, Lavi, it's only 50 degrees...it's not like its enough to freeze you" he says all smartass.

"Doesn't matter I'll still need this as a life support against that demon flying around your head's driving..." I say glaring at Tim.

Tim stops on Allen's hair and then sulks into a depression.

"Aww Tim...you're not a demon...come 'ere..." he says and hugs his golemn.

Damn...what a mama's boy...I mean...papa's...ha, ha...

"Come on, Lavi, say you're sorry..." says Allen pushing the golemn to my face.

"I don't need to apologize to a stuffed animal, now lets go before all the good turkey is taken..." I say about to open the door.

"The weather guy said it was gonna snow so...careful with the blizzard!" I say and I open the door.

The sun covers everything and I look at it like I've seen god.

"Wow...quite a blizzard we're havin don't you agree, Lavi?" says Allen walking out of the house.

"Ha, ha that was so funny I forgot to laugh..." I say walking towards the Lamborghini.

Allen opens the door and I already feel like I'm too late. I open the door and rush in only to be beaten by Tim as he presses the gas full throttle.

I bounced around the back seat like clothes in a dryer or washer.

Immediately he stops and I hit the back of Allen's seat.

"Come on, Lavi! Stop playing around it's starting to get annoying..." says Allen as he turns to the back seat.

All I could see were little stars and birds flying around.

"You're overreacting, Lavi." He says opening the door.

I fall out into the cold world and I get a hold of my head.

"One of these days, Allen...One of these days...." I say getting up.

"Nuff' talking aready! We need to get the perfect turkey!" He says grabbing a hold of my arm and pulling me into the store. Before I get into the store I notice the people walking around in their blue vests. Oh no...we just entered Wal-mart! Again!.

"Allen...don't tell me we're at wal-mart..."

"Yeah where else do you wanna go!? Its not like turkeys are running around everywhere looking for you" he says sarcastic.

Man what a pissy fellow he is today...did he get his monthly visit?

As we head to the meat area Allen's looking at the turkeys and I look around, when I see a girl in a pink dress with a casual wear underneath and brown hair with a tall fellow with blonde hair. He's looking at the place like he's never seen a market before. I look at the lobster tank and I see a little blonde haired kid with a super tall black haired man. He's poking at it and playing with the lobster while the tall fellow is just there with a serious face.

I bet these people are just looking around.

Elsewhere I see two orange haired twins looking around and tilting their heads at the coffee. I could hear them mutter about commoner coffee. I look at Allen and he's stuck between two turkeys. Lifting them in two hands and checking their weight, then squishing them.

If I wasn't looking at dead turkeys I would have thought he was squishing something else...

Now he was smelling them and using a thermometer and using his Akuma eye. This is where I go –face palm-

Suddenly we hear.

"Hey, you're Allen Walker and Lavi aren't you?" asked a voice.

I turn to see the pink dressed girl next to us with the tall blonde guy.

"Yeah? How'd you know?" asked Allen who turned surprised.

"Winry told me about you guys. She said you guys were awesome to drop her off at her house after Edward didn't answer his phone." She explained.

"Oh, that Winry girl, yeah it wasn't nothing big…" I say in all my coolness. Damn anymore and I can beat that polar bear who sells icee drinks.

"Yeah she said you'd say that" she said bluntly.

It felt like that was just expected of me…

"Anyways are you getting ready for Thanksgiving?" she asks Allen knowing he's holding a turkey in each hand.

"Ah Turkey Day…I've never really celebrated that holiday with you all. I wonder how it would have been" says the tall blonde guy.

"It would probably be a disaster…" says the girl dead bluntly.

The tall blonde guy made a face like his feelings were hurt.

"Haruhi! I will make sure that this Thanksgiving will be perfect for my daughter! Daddy will make things extra special!!" he shoots up in the air.

"No thanks…I'd rather just have it as an ordinary meal." She says with a slightly annoyed face.

There's a loud thud behind her and the blonde guy falls his happiness destroyed.

"Anyways…my name is Haruhi Fujioka it's a pleasure to finally meet you." She says bowing a bit.

Allen lifted his hands up shaking it off

"Oh no the pleasure's all mine-…" forgetting that he had the turkey in his hands he dropped it to his foot.

"AHH CRAP ON A STICK!" he yells covering his mouth before anyone can hear him.

I look at Allen with a "What did you say?" face.

The tall blonde guy picks up the turkey.

"You alright, Allen?" he asks worried.

"I'm okay just damn turkey ran over my foot."

"It's quite heavy too." He says weighing the turkey up and down.

He hands it over to Allen.

"I'm sorry I didn't introduce myself, my name is Tamaki Suoh." He says with a bright smile.

Before Allen could forget he was holding the turkey I held the turkey for him and then let him freak out.

"Nice to meet you, Miss Haruhi and Mr. Tamaki, I'm quite glad that Miss Winry has talked to you about us, it's always good to make new friends." He says a little too well.

I looked over at Tamaki who was taken in by his charm and he hugs him unexpectically.

"You're like the male version of Haruhi only everyone really thinks she's a boy in our host club yet she really has no choice!!" he says all too fast while spinning Allen around.

***

"So are you two looking for supplies for your Thanksgiving?" asks Allen.

This is where I go –facepalm- all over again.

"Pfft…no crap, Allen…it's not like Haruhi comes here cause she works here." I laugh.

"As a matter of fact, I do! I started working here today. It's a part-time job they gave me for the winter." She says with a smile.

I look at her like "wth" and I feel my face getting hotter. Damn I don't know if I feel embarrassed or it was her charming smile.

Out of nowhere the two twins are at their sides and each hold a can of coffee.

"Haruhi, we found the commoner coffee." They both said in sync.

Then the little boy jumped on Haruhi's back and the tall man out girraffed Tamaki. For a second it would be like the Flintstones and their trip to the movies where they put Pebbles and Bam-Bam on Dino's head. Dino…that's the tall guy that just showed up behind Haruhi.

"Haruhi! This super store is awesome! There's an aquarium on the otherside!" he said hyperly hyper.

Then ANOTHER tall man in black hair and glasses shows up next to them pushing his glasses up with his finger all cool.

Damn it seems I have some competition.

And if Allen invites them to the house…BIG company.

"Wow…Mr. Tamaki are these all your children as well?" asks Allen with an "omg" face.

Tamaki looks at Allen with a "huh?" face and then shakes his head.

"No, no, let me introduce you to them."

"These are the twins, Hikaru and Kaoru."

"This little guy is Mitskuni Haninozuka, but he is always called by Hunny, except from Mori. This big guy is Takashi Morinozuka, but he is always called by Mori."

"And this over at my side is Kyoya Ohtori"

"It is a pleasure to meet you all, I hope we'll be come close friends." He says with a smile.

Everyone restrains Tamaki who was about to jump at Allen and his charm. Dang. Something tells me we'll need a tranquilizer –w-.

Suddenly I remember…it's Thanksgiving tomorrow! Meaning the chips are probably on sale! I eye the chip aisle that was wolf calling me. I kept grimacing at it. Hoping no one would notice.

"Hey Lavi…are you in need of going to the restroom?" asked Tamaki.

Damn it.

"Uh no, I just…I'LL BE RIGHT BACK!" I say running off.

I head over to the Chip aisle and I scan the shelves. DORITOS. FRITOS. FUNIONS. WHAT?! Where are the LAYS?! I scan the Lays chips and they were all gone. I felt like I could just fall to my knees and scream, "POR QUA!!!"

Suddenly the twins are at my side. Holding a ginormous bag of Lays. I look at them like I've seen god. They make the bag jump in their hands.

"What do you want from me??" I say in a rugged voice.

The turned to each other and sneered.

"I don't know Kaoru what do you think we should make him do?" asked one of the twins.

"What do you think, Hikaru? Should we make him into our little slave?" asked Hikaru.

"What's going on here?" asked Haruhi.

We all turn to her like we were at a scene of a crime. How the hell can I escape this with my precious bag of Lays?!

"Oh nothing, We were just getting a bag of chips to munch on…" they say together.

"YOU DON'T JUST MUNCH ON LAYS! You passionately caress them in your hands kiss them tenderly with your mouth and express your love by swallowing them and respecting their taste and admiring how good it tasted! Thus why you can't just have one! You need to have more and more and MORE!" I say in the middle of the aisle.

I stop to notice people staring at me. A couple of people are blushing and then turning slowly to continue their way with a red face.

"Lavi…we're have another shipment of Lays in the store room. Now that I see that we are low on stock of these I'll stock these up when I return from break." She said slightly blunt.

"Really, now? That means they will be fresher than these?" asked the twins as they held the bag.

They tossed the bag to me and I feel like I'm holding my new baby son in my arms.

"Oh, baby! I love you!" I say hella happy.

Allen mutters something to Haruhi that sounded like. "He needs to see a psychiatrist…"

I turn to him and cough my embarrassment away.

"So Haruhi how long you been working here?" I ask changing the scene.

"Well today's my first day, they called me this morning to start my day."

"Why would they let a girl your age work at Wal-mart?" asked Hikaru.

"Because they can" said the tall bespectacled man.

We all turn to him and his creepy intrusion.

"Still the law is the law…"

"Hey…it's Japan…anything can happen in a foreign country…"

"We're in Japan?" Allen asks in all his dumbness.

"Haruhi, would you mind getting back to work? Your break is almost over anyways." Says the tall man.

Haruhi turns to him in all her bluntness.

"Kyoya-sempai…how did you know?"

"Yeah it's not like you're her boss or anything…" I say in all my coolness.

"Actually I am…" he says pushing his glasses up a bit.

We all turn to him with a WTF face.

"As of today Wal-mart is now owned by the Ohtori name. Since the world knows Wal-mart by its name we decided to keep its name. We were planning on naming it 'Ohtori-Mart'." He says walking out in front of us.

"That means…as of today…I am your boss, Haruhi" he continued.

Everyone looked at him with a * o * face and that was the end of it.

Note From the Desk of the Author:

I decided to end it like this cause I know by now y'all's faces are all like

O o O; and I'll continue it with MOAR randomness ;D