Chapter Three: On Dark Marks, Hormones, and Sex-on-Legs (and James)
Five Things I Have Offered to James in Order to Make Up for Eating All His Orange Candy that He has Refused as Compensation:
A F.R.I.E.N.D.S. DVD set of all ten seasons. He said he'd have to buy a DVD player and learn how to use it, which of course he didn't want to do because he is a lazy lump of the supreme kind.
A DVD Player and lessons on how to use it. Because he is, as mentioned, indolent.
Sleeping on the floor and letting him have the bed for the duration of my stay. He said he'd be damned if a "young lady slept on the cold, hard ground while he was swept away on gossamer threads and fluffy pillows."
A BIG HUG! He said it wasn't anything special. That kind of hurt my feelings. So then…
…I told him I'd punch him for being such a ginormous baby wanker, and he got all nervous because I'm pretty strong when I get mad.
Anyway, the long and short of it is that he has forgiven me for eating all his candy. I offered him my UNICORN journal, but then I remembered how I wrote about Lily hitting on Teddy and had to pull it away quite speedily before he went through any of the entries. It's fairly cumbersome, keeping his family's secrets. Because now I can't get rid of the UNICORN.
I'm a little concerned as to why James ACCEPTED it anyway.
The important thing is that I am now at the Potters'. And I'm having a wonderful time. Harry ruffled my hair when he got home from the Ministry (Harry's an Auror. I'm not really sure who he's fighting now that Moldyshorts is gone and all his cronies are either dead/in Azkaban/or under a public scrutiny so keen that it is next to impossible for them to initiate any sort of magic, dark or otherwise). Ginny drowned my plate in so much food that I looked a little pregnant afterward.
No, I'm not being self-deprecating. Albus TOLD me. "You look a little pregnant Lemon."
Whatever. I got to eat treacle tart, multiple times. James and Albus couldn't. James, for all the cussing than went on earlier, and Albus for being "obscene and rude to young ladies." I think the Potter family has a thing for calling me that.
Lily was too busy chattering away on her cellphone to someone about "hunks" and "heartthrobs," so the rest of us sat by the fireplace, listening to Harry and Ginny's playful banter about Harry's sixth (Ginny's fifth) year. I don't know what's playful about it. Dumbledore dies in it, and it's all quite depressing. Also James keeps sticking his tongue out whenever Harry mentions how he and Ginny had started dating that year.
I leaned against James's legs and closed my eyes contentedly. Then I opened my eyes and saw Albus drawing Dark Marks on his shoes. I'm sure you'll understand why that was extremely intriguing and bothersome to me.
Oh Merlin, that would be just perfect if Albus became the next Dark Lord.
"Mr. Potter?" I cleared my throat, halting Harry in his long-winded description of the color of Ginny's hair and why it attracted him so much (it's obvious. HIS mother was a red-head. It's a sort of Oedipus complex. Ew).
"Yes, Lemon?"
"Er…I was wondering, if Albus grew up and became a Dark wizard, would you…be mad?" I heard James splutter in astonishment and Albus let out an aggravated "HEY!" "Oh whatever, Al, you're drawing Dark Marks on your shoes!"
"They're cool looking." Albus muttered, looking defensive.
The next morning I woke up to the sound of birds chirping exuberantly outside James' window. Not really, it was more like Ginny screeching at Lily for putting on red lipstick or something of the sort. Give it a rest, I say, let her fulfill her destiny of tramposity.
I groaned as the yelling got louder. Lily was putting up a fight. She obviously wanted to follow her hooker dreams. Good for her. I stretched out on the forty-five thousand pillows on James' bed and tried to drag the comforter over myself. I always fell asleep without pulling it on, and woke up writhing in the cold. I was also too lazy to sit up and get under it.
"I'll do it, you lumpfish," I heard James sigh from the floor. MWAHAHAHAHAHA, I knew he'd do it in the end. I smiled happily as he blearily rubbed his eyes and pulled himself off of the floor.
And then the smile was wiped right off my face. Because James was shirtless.
WHAT THE HELL? I screamed fairly hysterically in my head as he rumpled up his already disheveled hair and reached for my comforter. I could see his entire body from the waist up. With skin. The skin of, I mean. His skin.
"UNGHHHULFFFFFF!" I crammed a pillow into my mouth to keep myself from spazzing out loud. I did NOT want to see any of James' skin. That wasn't on his face anyway.
"What, you complete nut?" James groaned, tucking in the sides of the comforter so I wouldn't kick it off. His arms were all…whatsit. Sinewy.
"Nargullufffffilssk." I replied, shaking my head. His eyes twinkled with comprehension and he sat down on my bed. Near my face. Oh man, this wasn't good. His abs (JAMES HAS ABS?) were all…six-packy (Sorry! I'm not the most coherent thinker. Or speaker as you've probably noticed) and strong. Ish.
It's not like I haven't seen James without a shirt on before. I HAVE. Second year, when we went swimming with Al and Lily. There wasn't much to see back then. James saw me without a shirt on then. Nothing great here either.
Not that there's much now.
"Are you uncomfortable because I am half-naked? Has my godlike figure turned you into a babbling psycho?" James smirked and I buried my face under the comforter to hide my flaming cheeks from him.
"Errrrdghegre."
"Just what I thought," James chuckled and hugged me over all the layers that I'd set up between us. Even though it all, I could feel his *GULP* abs. "You should wake up now. We're visiting the Burrow today remember? And don't worry," I could almost HEAR him smirk, "I'll put on a shirt made of dark, thick materials to keep your mind off my sexy body."
My mind is NOT on his sexy body. Just his sexy abdomen.
"You're a tosser, James Potter!" I yelled, my mouth coming unglued as I watched him pull on a black T-shirt and casually walk out the room.
"Love you too darling."
"Now remember James: no making fun of Molly. I don't care how idiotic she acts, CONTROL YOUR MOUTH. Albus: no blowing things up with Hugo. Or talking about Dark Marks. It's a sensitive topic everywhere and you need to understand that. Lily: stop rolling your skirt over your knees. Your grandmother will have a heart attack and Ron won't let you talk to Rose." Ginny took a deep breath as she announced the child-specific instructions she had to remind them of every single year when they visited their grandparents at the Burrow.
Lily rolled her sparkly eyes. "Why would I WANT to talk to Rose? She's a prude," she muttered under her breath. Everyone heard her, but chose to ignore it. We do that a lot when it comes to Lily.
"Lemon honey," Ginny added, turning to me, "it'd be best if you once again didn't mention how we still let you and James sleep in the same room. I don't think their grandmother would quite approve, now that you have…hormones."
I turned red, thinking about that morning. James was chuckling next to me, and I wanted to rip his stupid hair out.
"My hormones aren't easy enough to be affected by James," I looked down at him snootily and stalked away. James sniggered and followed me.
"Think you're too good for me, do you, Snickets?" he waggled his eyebrows at me and put an arm around my waist.
"Unnnnghfffff! Get away James!" We were getting closer to the Burrow door and he was HAMPERING my movements. "You wanker, stop touching me!"
"You like it."
"I really don't."
"You're in denial," James smiled, letting me go as I tried to stomp on his foot. "You'll come around beautiful. They always do."
"You're a child molester."
"How charming of you."
Dumb tosser always had to get the last word in. Well, at least he stopped trying to tickle me. Good thing too, because Molly the First (as opposed to…Molly the Nutter cousin who SCOLDS people her own age) was flinging her door open, looking ecstatic to see her grandchildren. You'd think having seventy million people over every summer in a house meant for not more than seven would be slightly exhausting but there's nothing stopping that woman. She entertains EVERYONE every year, cooks EVERY meal while we're there, and NEVER complains. Once, she even told me to bring my parents along to stay. Or any best friends from school. She seemed quite put off when I told her that James was really my only best friend.
She got over it when James told her we're getting married after Hogwarts. I'm a little worried she took him seriously.
Which is why I'm glad he stopped tickling me. I always keep my distance from James around her. I don't want her planning a wedding for me. Not one with James anyway.
Ten Reasons Why I Would NEVER EVER Marry James Sirius Potter, No Matter HOW Much Treacle Tart Molly Weasley (the First) Bribed Me With:
He might name any kids we have…really weird names. I mean his brother IS Albus Severus Potter. I'm sorry but I'm not having my children bear the stigma of an abnormal name. Being a LEMON, I know what I'm talking about.
Lily Potter would be my sister-in-law. And the aunt of my kids. If that isn't the cruelest form of torture, I don't know what is. Unless my kids want to become slags and tarts. Then, this bullet point is obsolete!
James thinks he is very sexy. I cannot marry a mentally unstable man.
He would make me buy him orange candy all the time. I'm not sure I can deal with the pressure.
He'd want a Weasley-esque clan of boys to make his own Quidditch team. I'm not even making his up, he's TOLD me he wants his wife to give birth to seven boys to make up a Potter Quidditch team.
He's obviously sexist.
Marrying James would mean…having to do things with him. No, I don't mean spending TIME with him you complete Death Eaters! I mean nocturnal activities. Things that go BUMP in the night. Sex. Wow, it's amazing how completely mental you are. Unless you're Rose Weasley. Then I understand you're innocent lack of carnal knowledge (ROSE WHAT THE HELL STOP READING MY UNICORN JOURNAL).
My name would be Lemon Potter. I don't quite understand, but that sounds slightly…not quite right.
James tickles me. I cannot give him lifelong access to that.
I'd probably end up killing him and then lose both a husband AND a best friend.
So there you are Molly the First. Sorry to break your heart. No weddings here.
Molly doesn't seem too bothered by this. Not vocally, at least. She hugged James incredibly tight and told me I was looking "peaky," and did my parents not understand that a growing girl needed her nutrition?
No they don't, Molly.
James pulled me into the house, sighing as Molly focused her attention on the rapidly decreasing length of Lily's skirts. "She's getting worse with old age," James grumbled, running his fingers through his hair.
I shook my head at his impolite…rudeness and walked into the "sitting room" of the Burrow. Most of the family was already there. All the adults – Hermione and Ron, George and Angelina, Bill and Fleur, Teddy and Victoire, Percy and Audrey (yuck), and Dominique (she's sort of an adult I guess. She's working an all, so) – were sitting around on the couches, chatting about the Ministry and other unnecessary things. They all waved to me and went back to their not-very-scintillating conversations. I swear, Harry and Ginny are the liveliest parents of the lot. Ron and George are great too, but when they're all COUPLED UP, they became so mind-numbingly mundane.
"Hey Lemon!" I heard a soft voice behind me and turned to see Rose Weasley standing there, smiling. She's a splitting image of her mother, but prettier in a gentler, quieter way. She's quite possibly the only girl I'm even a little close to at Hogwarts. She's a bit of a prude, like Lily said, but she's got a very kind heart.
No I'm NOT being sarcastic, she's an awfully nice person!
"Rose!" I smiled at her and gave her a hug. "How've you been?"
"Quite good! Mum bought me this lovely leather-bound copy of Hogwarts: A History, but it's the REVISED edition, so it has all the history of the house-elves and everything. Mum was infuriated that they didn't have it before, see, so she wrote to the editor and they apologized and revised it! Isn't that wonderful?" Rose's eyes were sparkling in delight. I smiled at her excitement. She really was the most adorable thing in the world. I'd never seen someone so happy over a book.
"No, Rosie, that's the opposite of wonderful. That's…er, boring." James snickered from behind me. I had almost forgotten he was there. It had been a lovely feeling while it lasted.
I told him that. "James, I had almost forgotten you were there. It was a lovely feeling while it lasted."
James cocked an eyebrow at me sardonically and such and said, "Have you told Rosie about us yet?"
"What about us?" I looked at him quizzically. "If this is about your darn orange candy, goodness, I'll get some MORE for you."
"No gorgeous, about your unbridled passion for my shirtless torso."
"Oh God, James, keep your voice down, if your grandmother hears you she'll start asking me what my thoughts on center pieces are."
Rose looked incredibly confused by then so I brushed James off toward his beckoning relatives and said, "Don't pay any attention to him. He's being a baby because I ate his present."
"Oh," Rose replied, still puzzled. "Er, okay Lemon, whatever you say. Are you sure though? It sounds like he's upset that you won't admit you find him attractive."
Rose Weasley is a simpleton if I ever saw one.
"No dear, I'm pretty sure that's not it."
"Forget James," I said impatiently, "I want to meet everyone else."
"Of course," Rose composed herself. "They're all here in the dining room. Molly, Lucy, Hugo, Louis, Freddie, Roxy, and Louis."
"Thanks for the headcount love."
I could hear shouts of laughter ensuing from the "dining room." Freddie and Roxy were probably being themselves as usual. Roxy was only twelve, but she was taking after her father in all respects. Add to that the feistiness she got from her mother, and I just know she's going to be a force to reckon with in a couple years.
Thank Merlin, I'll be out of Hogwarts by then.
I walked into the room with Rose, my eyes roving over everyone individually. The Lemon End-of-Summer-Once-Over. Molly was sitting at the table with her elbows tucked in, staring disapprovingly at everything while her little sister Lucy tried to stop herself from giggling at her sister's discomfiture. Hugo and Roxy were laughing at some joke Freddie had just made up I'm assuming. And Louis was…
SWEET JESUS.
That could NOT be Louis.
Maybe it was Scorpius Malfoy, at the Burrow for some very random reason.
Maybe I'm HALLUCINATING from all the orange candy.
"Hi Lemon!" Roxy called out, seeing me walk into the room. Everyone's heads whipped around to greet me.
"Hey you lot! Have a good summer?" my voice trailed off. I was still staring at Possible-Scorpius-Louis. "I don't think we've met before?" I asked, looking over to the cabinet against which he was leaning.
"Lemon," Possible-Scorpius-Louis said in a deep, husky voice. "It's me. Louis."
IT CANNOT BE.
"Oh! Right, of course!" I said, fumbling with my shirt. "Are you sure you're not Scorpius Malfoy though?"
Louis looked at me with amused eyes. "No, Lemon," he smiled, "I'm absolutely certain I'm Louis." I couldn't reply. His eyes were so BLOODY BLUE. I mean, not bloody. I meant that as an emphasis type-thing.
"Haha, right, sure, well, great-to-see-you-well-I'll-just-be-off-then!" I smiled a very big, potentially creepy smile. I saw Louis's eyes twinkle – SWEET MERLIN those eyes! – and his beautiful, gorgeous, delicious mouth form the words, "Right then. See you Lemon," and curve into a most tantalizing smile.
I wanted to snog him right there and then.
Let's talk about snogging as I hide behind the kitchen door to recuperate from my incredibly embarrassing meeting with Louis-Who-Is-Most-Definitely-Not-Scorpius-Malfoy.
Boys I Have Snogged (With Humorous Comments and Such):
Ryker Jansen – I don't even know if this counts as snogging. He gave me a single peck on the lips after Herbology one day back in first year. James punched him and told him to "mind his boundaries."
Brian Smith – he asked me to have lunch with him by the lake during second year and kissed me, saying I had jam on my lips. I thought it was cute till James filled his shoes with jam and told him to "suck on that instead."
Lorcan Scamander – that was a dare in third year. I was supposed to kiss him in a broom closet for seven minutes. After the fourth minute, and JUST when we'd gotten to French kissing, James burst into the closet and told him "Time's up you wanker."
Lysander Scamander – okay, I'm not a twisted twin sex maniac or anything, I swear. HE was dared to kiss me in front of everyone. He barely got five seconds in before James announced that Truth or Dare was "stupid, and I'm taking Lemon away from this corruption."
Damien Wood – that was actually a lot of fun. We went to the Christmas ball together in fourth year but we soon got bored and went back to the deserted common room where he proceeded to snog me very, very enthusiastically. That could have been a turning point in my life if James hadn't randomly walked in and cursed Damien's lips off when he saw us kissing ("How're you gonna kiss her now, Wood?" is what James said).
Freddie Weasley – okay, this was just a prank we played on James. Freddie announced to the entire school that I was his new girlfriend and we kissed for like nine minutes till I got annoyed that James wasn't interrupting the one time that I wanted him to. I pushed Freddie away and saw James laughing in the corner. He didn't buy it. Said I was "grimacing," which gave it all away.
So as you can see, I've had SOME experience, but besides Damien Wood, not any worthwhile, life-altering experiences.
But somehow, I'm getting the sense that Sex-on-Legs-Louis will be an excellent boy to snog. He's got all this dark-yet-blond hair, and the fittest body in the world, and the bluest bluey blue eyes. He's always had all these things, but something's changed over the summer.
He's become so FLIPPING hot.
"Lemon?" James rounded the corner out the kitchen and crouched down to look under the table. "Are you here?"
"Oi!" I whispered crossly, from my hiding place behind the door. "Don't be so loud."
James stood up and raised an eyebrow. "Why is it that you are cowering behind that door?"
"Never mind that, why were you looking for me under a TABLE?"
"It's a likely place to look when someone's hiding."
"It is not."
"Is too. What are you doing anyway?"
"…hiding." I sighed and sank down on to the floor, putting my head on my knees in resignation.
"No dips, Sherlock." I heard James walk toward me and sit down beside my aforementioned resigned form.
"What's wrong?" he asked, his voice soft, all the teasing gone from it. I shook my head. I was NOT telling him about Sex-on-Legs-Louis. He put his arm around me and I snuggled into his chest like always. Then I remembered his Molly the First, who might see us and think the worst.
"Nurhghghhhhhhsh, don't touch me James!" I whispered, pushing him away. He scowled.
"Snickets, I'll put a shirt on next time, stop being so bloody prudish!"
I looked up at him in shock. "What? I don't care if you're shirtless, you Death Eater."
James looked disappointed. "You don't? Then why are you upset?"
"Because I just made a complete and utter FOOL of myself."
"I don't get it. Then why are you upset?"
"James!" I frowned. "Stop teasing me. It's not funny. I'm a lunatic. I can't act normal around really hot guys, even when they're being incredibly nice and NOT intimidating. Oh man, Sex-on-Legs-Louis probably thinks I'm a moron. He probably won't even look at me at dinner. He'll sit far away from me and avoid me for the rest of my prudish, dithery, UNICORN life."
"Sex-on-Legs-Louis?"