Regret

"I can feel them out there," Shuuhei said.

"Yeah, there's only about a dozen though," Kisuke confirmed.

"Do you think it's the group that we're looking for then? They seem a little under-powered."

"It's them," Kisuke said definitively. "Alright men, try to take as many alive as you can. Be on your guard, we've had a lot of odds reports about these bandits."

"Seriously, tell me why we're all the way out here already," Ichigo complained.

"Oh shut up. I'm your captain, that's why," Renji said.

"Oh my god. What are you, a mom?" Ichigo laughed.

Renji grinned. "Actually, we're here to go camping!"

"Camping…" Ichigo said. "Just the two of us?" he asked. "That doesn't sound like that much fun."

"Everyone else is still on duty. I figured we'd come early and get every set up for when they start trickling in tonight and tomorrow morning." Renji had just wanted to get Ichigo away from the Seireitei for awhile. He didn't care how tough Ichigo was trying to be, he needed to have a nice weekend with a bunch of friends, preferably doing a bunch of stupid and possibly drunk things far, far away from Shuuhei.

"Really? Who's coming?" Ichigo asked, beginning to get interested.

"Um, Rangiku, Iba, Kira, Ikkaku…"

Both men froze and looked to the east.

"What the hell was that?" Ichigo asked, even as he and Renji were flash stepping towards the extreme surge of spiritual pressure from that area. "Why are there hollows here?"

"I feel Kisuke over there," Renji said.

Shuuhei too, Ichigo thought.

The small band of Squad 9 members stood, some slightly injured, panting.

"Everyone ok?" Kisuke asked. After receiving confirmation he said, "Well, that was unexpected."

"How did they get hollows to attack us? It looked like they were following the commands of the bandits," Shuuhei said.

"This definitely doesn't bode well. I guess we're going to have to pay more attention to this 'Red Hand' group from now on," Kisuke said. "Takumi, go and get some backup, we're going to canvass these hills to see if we can't find anymore pockets of bandits or any supply camps. Hina, do a perimeter sweep to make sure we're secure, we're kind of out in the open here. Shuuhei?"

"Yes, Captain?"

"Start checking these bodies for anything that will let us know how they contacted and controlled those hollows; a device or pager or anything of that sort."

"Of course, Captain," Shuuhei said.

Ichigo and Renji saw it at the same time. As they came into the clearing where the remaining Squad 9 members were, they saw Shuuhei bent over a fallen body, and someone in the distant tree line pointing a weapon of some sort at his back. Both reacted instantly, Ichigo running towards Shuuhei and Renji directly at the attacker. The weapon released, shooting what seemed like a simple wooden crossbolt modified in some indiscernible way that make it give off its own spiritual pressure.

Shuuhei, feeling Ichigo behind him, began to turn, but was violently pressed backward into a nearby tree as Ichigo's body slammed into his.

"Ichigo?" Shuuhei asked. His back was against the tree, with Ichigo's back against his stomach. He looked over Ichigo's shoulder and saw the crossbolt sticking out of his chest. Ichigo didn't respond. "ICHIGO!" Shuuhei asked, panicking.

"Heh, sorry Shuuhei," Ichigo said. "Didn't mean to worry you." His hands had been wrapped around the bolt, he pulled them away now. "See, not even a scratch. Close though." He moved his hand across his chest. It had pierced the fabric of his shihakusho but hadn't made him bleed.

Shuuhei wrapped his arms around him and rested his head on Ichigo's back. "You're such an idiot," he said with relief.

"Yeah, I think I'm going to do that differently next time," Ichigo admitted.

"You ok, Ichigo?" Renji asked with concern, having dispatched the shooter with ease.

"Yes," Ichigo said, standing up.

"What happened here?" Renji asked Kisuke.

"It seemed just like an average roundup of a couple of troublemakers but as soon as we attack they called up a bunch of hollows somehow. We didn't even have a trace of a reading on them before..." Kisuke stopped. "Ichigo?"

Ichigo's face was blank. He sunk to his knees. Shuuhei caught him from behind.

"CAREFUL!" Kisuke yelled at Shuuhei.

"I…what…is Ichigo…" Shuuhei stuttered.

"Just don't move," Kisuke said, approaching Ichigo. He took off his haori and wrapped it around his hands, then lifted up Ichigo's arms. The bottoms of his hands had turned a sickly green with a yellowish cast, lines of color tracing his veins down his wrist. "Poison," Kisuke said.

"Is he ok?" Renji asked quietly. Ichigo's eyes were glazed and almost unblinking; his head lolling back like a rag doll.

Shuuhei felt how limp Ichigo was in his arms and began to shake slightly. He stood up and carefully lifted Ichigo, getting ready to leave.

"Where are you going, Lieutenant?" Kisuke asked.

"To Squad 4. He needs medical attention," Shuuhei said.

"Lieutenant Hisagi, you are on a mission and I have not released you from it or given you an order regarding Lieutenant Kurosaki," Kisuke replied sternly.

It really was only the years of training that kept Shuuhei from hitting his captain upside the head, telling him to fuck off, and taking off for the Seireitei immediately.

"I'm sure his captain will want to get him to Squad 4 safely," Kisuke said. "And it really needs to happen very soon."

Shuuhei handed over Ichigo to Renji, wanting to argue but not wanting to waste any time. Shuuhei could already see that terrible coloring flowing into Ichigo's neck, tracing the contours of his collarbones. Kisuke used his haori to pick up the crossbolt that was lying on the ground, wrapping it up and setting it on Ichigo's chest. "Captain Unohana might need this to make an antidote," he explained. Renji nodded and then took off.

Kisuke looked over at his scowling lieutenant. "You can leave as soon as we get reinforcements."

Shuuhei nodded and was grateful, but was still too angry to say anything. He focused on that anger because it was a lot better than any of the other things that he was feeling.

It's my fault, Shuuhei thought. If I had been paying more attention, this wouldn't have happened. If sometimes happens to Ichigo...

When Shuuhei walked into the room he was directed to, he stopped so hard he almost tripped over his own feet. Renji looked up at Shuuhei's pale face and was quick to reassure him. "Don't worry, all this machinery is just to cycle his system," Renji said.

Shuuhei was glad to hear it but his emotions still couldn't get over the effect of all of the lines and wires that seemingly disappeared into Ichigo's body, the randomly blipping of lights and the slight whirring that was coming from the pumping machine. He stood there for a long time, just staring.

"Shuuhei, it's going to be ok," Renji said.

"Damn it Renji!" Shuuhei yelled at him. "You've been fucking pissed off at me for every little thing I've done to him and now I've practically killed him and you're trying to comfort me? What the hell is wrong with you!"

"Look, I doubt he thought he was going to get hurt, but he knew there was a chance when he jumped in front of that bolt. Honestly, it wouldn't matter to him even if he thought he was going to get seriously injured, or die. He wouldn't give it a thought..."

"DON'T SAY THAT!" Shuuhei yelled.

"…because he loves you," Renji finished.

"Damn it," Shuuhei said, closing his eyes.

"We all make our own decisions," Renji said. "He made his. It's not your fault." If anything, it's mine, Renji thought to himself.

Shuuhei didn't respond. He wanted to yell at Renji that he was wrong, but on the other hand he desperately wanted to believe it.

Renji and Shuuhei looked towards the door, feeling another very agitated presence entering.

"…Ichigo…" Rukia breathed, her eyes wide.

Shit, Renji thought, jumping up quickly. He walked over to her and began talking very quickly, explaining what had happened. The entire time she couldn't get her eyes off of Ichigo.

"Hello," Captain Unohana said, walking in with a small smile. Her calming presence, which Renji had to admit usually kind of annoyed him, was a relief at this point.

"Is he going to be ok?" Rukia asked.

"Of course," Unohana said, beginning to remove the wires and tubes from Ichigo. "We'll have to do this a couple of times in the next couple of days, but he's come out fine. We didn't actually have an antidote for his poison, so we've had to do this a different way, using his own spiritual pressure to propel the toxins from his body. It is a draining process, but for someone as strong as him it isn't dangerous at all," she assured them all.

Shuuhei felt himself begin to breathe a little again.

"However," Unohana continued, "Lieutenant Hisagi, you should probably know that had this actually hit you and gotten into a muscle or tendon you would most likely be dead."

"What?" Shuuhei asked.

"It's strong enough being absorbed through the skin, as you can see, and you don't have nearly as much spiritual pressure as Lieutenant Kurosaki has. I'm very sure that he saved your life," she continued.

Shuuhei could feel Rukia's eyes begin to bore into the back of his neck. At least she blames me, Shuuhei thought, feeling her anger.

"Renji…" came a voice at the door. It was Captain Kuchiki. He quickly looked to the bed.

"He's going to be fine," Renji said.

"They didn't tell me…" Byakuya couldn't say what he wanted to say in front of everyone else. He had felt the rushing presences of both Ichigo and Renji, but they had been so erratic that he didn't know what was happening, aside from the news he had heard about there being a severe injury on the field. He had rushed to Squad 4 hoping that it wasn't Renji that had been hurt. He almost felt guilty at the relief he felt looking at Ichigo's body in the bed, but he was so happy that Renji was well and whole that he couldn't bring himself to feel ashamed.

"Let's go into the next room, I can give you an update," Renji suggested, knowing that Byakuya wanted to talk to him.

In the next room, Byakuya wrapped his arms around Renji, not saying a word. I hadn't really thought about the fact that Renji would always be in danger, he thought to himself. I've been too caught up in everything else. He sighed deeply.

"Hey, I'm fine," Renji said comfortingly, feeling the stress in the body of the man in front of him.

"I know, but you won't always be," Byakuya said.

"Don't be pessimistic."

"Oh? How many times as my lieutenant were you almost critically injured?"

"Um…" Renji didn't actually remember. "More than a few but not a lot?"

"Too many," Byakuya said.

"I…have a question," Renji asked seriously.

"What?"

"When Ichigo got injured, I went for the person firing the weapon, while Ichigo went to protect Shuuhei, who was being fired on. I didn't even think, it was just my reaction," Renji said. "Was it the right thing…as a captain?"

"Sometimes it's just a matter of personality, defensive versus offensive," Byakuya said. "You went for the enemy, doing your duty to remove dangerous elements from society; Ichigo went to protect someone, also a duty of any shinigami. Neither was a right or wrong choice."

"If Ichigo hadn't been there and it had just been me, Shuuhei would be dead."

"You don't know that," Byakuya said.

"If Ichigo hadn't been lucky enough to not get scratched, my decision would have killed my best friend."

"Renji, these are just the 'what ifs' that everyone in authority has to deal with."

"I never wanted to be in authority though. I wanted to become stronger, to earn your respect and my own, but I never wanted to be commanding people," Renji stated.

"We don't always get to make those sort of decisions. In fact, we hardly ever do."

Shuuhei was happy when Captain Hitsugaya came by to comfort Rukia, so that he could be left alone with Ichigo for awhile. He put his hand on Ichigo's cloth wrapped ones, put his head down on the bed, and closed his eyes.

He didn't notice when Renji came back into the room and took his previous position sitting in the chair in the corner. Kira came in briefly too, but he didn't say anything, just put his hand on Shuuhei's shoulder for awhile before leaving. Shuuhei was happy that Kira didn't want to talk, because Shuuhei honestly had nothing to say. The only thoughts that were running in his mind were thoughts that he was trying to not think. When he eventually fell asleep his unconscious mind didn't give him a break, and he woke up sharply after seeing Ichigo fall to his knees with that wide-eyed blank stare and frozen white face in his dreams.

Despite having been seemingly harsh towards Shuuhei when Ichigo was originally injured, Kisuke didn't even mention when Shuuhei was barely in the office for the next week. Shuuhei still (mostly) did his paperwork, bringing it with him to Ichigo's hospital room.

Ichigo had a lot of visitors. Aside from his close friends he was actually a pretty popular guy, despite not being particularly friendly. He had never gone out of his way to talk to people but his relaxed attitude and fighting spirit has made him a favorite among his squad and a lot of others. He wouldn't necessarily remember your name but he was never the type of person who would look down on you or ignore you just because you were a lower rank or class. He was the type that would step in if he saw something he didn't like, who would visit anyone who was injured or sick in his squad, and who would laugh and get back up if he got punched in the face by a particularly angry Renji. In fact, the antics of Renji and Ichigo were a big draw to their squad, their sibling like rivalry and squabbling obviously underlying their deep affection for each other. All of that added to the sort of hero worship he got for his actions during the war made him one of the most recognizable and loved shinigami around. Unohana actually made a list and handed it to her medical staff of the people allowed to come in and see Ichigo; otherwise it was getting too hectic having to work around everyone.

Shuuhei, for his part, barely noticed anyone coming or going. No matter how he sliced it, it was definitely his fault that Ichigo was in that bed. Unohana had explained that she was keeping him in a medical coma to conserve his spiritual pressure for healing, but that explanation didn't matter when all Shuuhei saw was Ichigo unmoving and unconscious for days on end.

He had taken to talking quietly to Ichigo all the time. He didn't know if that actually did anything or not, but it made him feel that Ichigo would at least know someone was there. Renji would sit in the corner whittling at a piece of wood and Shuuhei would read a book to Ichigo or talk about whatever utter nonsense entered his head, talking about music he had been listening to or stupid things that had happened around the office.

It was about a week later that Shuuhei felt Ichigo's hand twitch. He raised his head from where he had been napping. Ichigo's eyes flicked open.

"Ichigo?" Shuuhei asked.

Renji got up from where he had been camping almost 24 hours a day and walked to the other side of Ichigo's bed.

"Mmm," Ichigo groaned, trying to focus on the two men peering down at him.

"Feeling ok?" Renji asked.

"Tired," Ichigo said.

"Well, you've been sleeping about a week, you have to get up sometimes," Renji said with a light laugh.

"A week? Really?"

"Yeah," Shuuhei said, running his hand along Ichigo's forehead to remove the hair from his eyes. He blushed slightly and removed his hand. It had been something he had gotten in the habit of doing since Ichigo had been unconscious. "I'll go and get someone," Shuuhei stated, getting up.

About an hour later, after Ichigo had gotten thoroughly questioned about how he felt, Captain Unohana turned and faced Renji and Shuuhei. "Out," she said.

"What?" they both asked.

"You both need sleep, and he still needs rest. We also have to run several more series of tests. I'm kicking you both out."

"For how long?" Shuuhei asked.

"Come back tomorrow," she said, waving them off.

"Bye guys!" Ichigo called out.

"So, she said for you guys to sleep, right?" Ikkaku asked.

"Drinking is the same thing," Shuuhei said.

Renji and Shuuhei had opted to go to a bar together instead of heading back towards their quarters and had found a small group of their friends already gathered at a local favorite pub.

"I highly doubt it," Yumichika mentioned.

"How are you doing?" Kira asked Shuuhei.

Shuuhei stared intently at his sake for awhile. "I don't know," he answered.

When the two of them were walking home together, he said something a little different though. "I think…that I might talk to him tomorrow…" Shuuhei said vaguely.

"Good," Kira said.

Shuuhei was pleasantly surprised to see Ichigo sitting up in his bed with a smile on his face. Rukia and Renji were already there, chatting with him.

"Hey Ichigo, you're looking a lot better today," Shuuhei said with a grin, feeling a weight fall off of his shoulders seeing Ichigo awake and active again.

"Yup," Ichigo replied happily.

"Good news?" Shuuhei asked.

"Uh-huh. I'm going to get to visit my family," Ichigo said.

"Really?"

"Yeah, Renji has been working on it ever since I got sick. I guess even though I'm fine now I'm supposed to take it easy for a little bit, so he got approval for me to take a vacation."

"That's great," Shuuhei said. "Except…"

"What?"

"Well, I mean, wouldn't you heal faster here? Don't you need to charge your spiritual pressure?" Shuuhei asked.

"Part of the reason they're letting him go at all is because he's in a weakened state," Renji mentioned. "I guess they figure he'll cause less trouble that way."

"He'll heal a little slower of course, but he'll get to be with his family," Rukia said with a smile.

"That's really good news. When are you leaving?" Shuuhei asked.

"Right away," Ichigo replied.

"What? Like how soon?" Shuuhei faltered slightly.

"Probably in an hour or so," Ichigo said.

"For how long?"

"Maybe about a month, maybe longer," Ichigo answered.

"Oh," Shuuhei said quietly. He caught himself. "I'm so glad!"

"How did it go?" Kira asked.

"Um, well, he's gone," Shuuhei said.

"Gone?"

"Yeah, visiting his family in the world of the living," Shuuhei replied.

"Did you say anything to him?"

"No…but that's ok. I'm not really sure what I would've said anyways."