=== RECORDING COMMENCED ===
Frack!
I am so worried. And afraid! Yes, afraid - I'm scared for F, and our Knight. It's been three hours... Alek and I have been desperately trying to contact them. We've tried everything - everything! ...communicators, the usual secured channel, even urgent Holomail... and there's been - nothing. Nothing! No response whatsoever - which is frightening, because Suurja's administrators are amongst the most anal-retentive sods in all of Republic space. They would never ignore something marked 'Urgent' and sent by a representative of the Order, and the fact that they've not even acknowledged our missive - I mean, something has to be desperately wrong... oh, Force - what if it's too late? What if the Mandies have already... already got there...?
...no, no. This is the wrong attitude. There must be something we've missed, our Knight is a very well-trained, capable woman, and she's got F with her. They'll be fine. I hope.
Alek and I were so desperate to reach F and our Knight that we even seriously considered slicing into the ancillary interstellar communications system on this medical station for the sake of - well, I don't know. Frankly the reasons Alek and I thought it might be a great idea made a lot of sense at the time, but we decided against it ultimately because the risk of unwittingly provoking a serious security breach and thereby disgracing the Order was just too real.
Frack. What else can we do, holocron? The news of "bandit incursions" is breaking on the HoloNet, and panic is spreading in several sectors of Republic space, especially settlement and factory worlds similar to Vanquo and Tarnith. The level of speculation is insane: some folk say it's the Krath, others talk of alien invasion from Wild Space... but nobody is mentioning the Mandalorians.
Nobody wants to mention the Mandalorians, for obvious reasons. Even Alek and I daren't think too much about it... despite what we've seen, and... and - oh, Force... there's no escaping it, is there? It is the Mandalorians. They're invading. I'll bet my last credit and my lightsaber on it. And F and our Knight are out there, on Suurja - alone.
Alone! The thought sends a cold shiver down my spine. I don't know what to do, holocron. Alek is as worried as I am. We've kept this from Ferron because he's... rather delicate right now. There was something mixed in with the stuff he inhaled that is mildly toxic to about 13% of the Cathar population. It acts like a mild poison. I'm not big on toxicology, but anything that makes Ferron's fur fall out by the handful can't be good for him.
Am I over-thinking it? I don't know. Maybe I am thinking too much. Master Kae did use to say that I tended to 'brood'. But what if I'm not being 'broody' or paranoid? My instincts tell me something is seriously wrong. Every nerve in my body is screaming at me that F and our Knight are in serious, serious danger - if not already, then very soon... and they need to be warned, they need to get somewhere safe, quickly -
Force. We can't do anything, holocron, and that's what frustrates me the most. The Mandalorians are vicious bastards: I'll never forget what they did to the people on Vanquo and Tarnith. Never! Such torture - the mutilation, the suffering those poor people must have endured before they died, it's unspeakable, holocron. It makes me so sad, and angry and horrified just to think on it - how can any sentient wilfully commit such acts of atrocity upon others? What kind of sick, twisted, evil malignancy can countenance such horrors being perpetrated in the name of conquest?
...oh, Force. I just had the most horrible thought. F and our Knight are females! Women! Master Kae said that terrible things happen to females unfortunate enough to be captured alive in wars... what if F and our Knight have been taken captive -
=== RECORDING ENDED ====
=== RECORDING COMMENCED ===
...Suurja's lost, holocron. Lost. There were only a handful of survivors. All of them had their tongues cut out... a sort of barbaric warning. F's body was found by the search droids. She'd been hewed in several pieces. Her lightsaber is gone, too. Probably taken as a souvenir. Our Knight is still missing, and has been presumed dead. It sounds so wrong to say this, but... I hope she's dead. For her sake, I truly, truly do. The thought of - of the indignity that she might have to suffer otherwise... nobody should have to go through that. No one.
And, F's body - I - I don't want to think about what I saw, or... or what I know happened on Suurja - whatever little of it... but I need to talk to someone, get this off my chest, out of my head - this is one of those times I'm so glad I built you, holocron. Alek is a great guy and my best friend, but he's as traumatised as I am now, and... sometimes people just need to deal with things alone.
They asked if Alek and I would be so kind as to... look through a couple holos of - of bodies... from Suurja. See if, well... if there was... anyone we recognised. Frack. Kriffing worst job I've ever been asked to do. Neither of us wanted to say 'yes', but we couldn't say 'no', either.
She was in the seventeenth holo. They tried their best to... you know, make... make her look presentable... like she was... in one piece, but -
We cried when we saw that holo. And then, there were the - the others. Nameless faces to us, but, but - they all had families, people who loved them... and now they're gone. Just like that. Because of the Mandalorians.
I feel so guilty, holocron. I feel so guilty that I'm still here, alive, when I should have been there on Suurja with F and our Knight. He hasn't said so, but I'm sure Alek is having similar thoughts. The only reason either of us is safe and warm and alive is because we were being idiot Padawans and making nerfherders of ourselves, mucking about pretending to be GCSIs. We're not alive and safe because we deserve to be - like, I... yes, my mind is telling me that I'm being completely irrational, that it's not my fault, but I cannot deny that I feel guilty, holocron: guilty to the gut that I am still alive, and F is cold and dead; and our Knight is Force knows where.
F didn't deserve to die, holocron! She was a good Jedi, she would have made Knight soon - and now, she never will.
The three of us have been summoned back to Dantooine. We've an hour to pack up. A shuttle will take us to a Republic capital ship lurking somewhere in the system. I've been given F's Padawan braid to bring back to her Master.
=== RECORDING ENDED ===
=== RECORDING COMMENCED ===
Master Zhar and I had a long talk, holocron. Or, more accurately, I talked for a long time to Master Zhar... he was very sympathetic. Not that you - you're wonderful, holocron, as in - you know, you sit there and listen to whatever I have to say, and I really appreciate that, but...
...it's kind of better to - you know, talk to a real being sometimes. Someone who doesn't just listen to what you're saying, but 'gets' the stuff you're feeling, too. You're just not made that way.
He helped address many of the issues that have been bothering me since Suurja. Remember what I said about feeling guilty for being alive? He called it "survivor's guilt", which encapsulates very well exactly how I felt. I... can't honestly say that I don't feel any more guilt now, but... but at least, now I don't feel so disgusted at myself. Before he went to bed, Master Zhar gave me something to think about: "The meaning of life is purpose, and our purpose should be to live meaningfully."
After our talk had ended, I went for a walk around the Enclave, because I just didn't feel like sleeping. The Enclave is so beautiful, so serene and peaceful... the Force washes over it, gently - like the running waters of a stream, soothing the heart and mind. And I started to think about what Master Zhar had said. Purpose. Life, lived meaningfully... a purpose-filled life. It took me until daybreak to fully appreciate the depth of what Master Zhar meant: as Jedi, our lives are not our own. We're meant to live as ones dedicated to seeking, and following the Will of the Force, the Living Force. That is our purpose. There is meaning in following the Will of the Force, for in so doing, a Jedi is faithfully accomplishing the task that the Force has laid out for him or her - fulfilling the role that they were set to fill. What could be more meaningful than faithfully filling the role, however humble, that the Force has in mind for you?
He's a deep one, Master Zhar. You know, holocron... I'm terribly fortunate. Not every Padawan is lucky enough to have a Master who will stay up late to wait for a late-night transport to land, in case their Padawan "needed to talk". Master Zhar did that for me, and it's not as if I was truly his 'own' Padawan - more like he's 'adopted' me after... Master Kae had to go. His acceptance means so much to me, holocron. I'll never forget it, just like I'll never forget Master Kae and all she taught me.
Someday, when I take a Padawan of my own - I want to be a Master like that.
It makes all the difference.
=== RECORDING ENDED ===