Summary: Just divorced, Chuck thinks that all is said between him and Blair.
But why does she show up at his doorstep at night? Future fic.
AN:Thank you so much, all of you who reviewed and put me on their alert/favorite list! It's so great to see that people actually like my story! I dearly hope that you will enjoy this chapter as well.
And special thanks to you Sam, without your encouragement that this chapter is fine as it is, I probably would've spent days rewriting.
Disclaimer: Don't own anything at all.
Way Back Into Love
Chapter 8: Signature Scarf
Damn that motherchucker! Blair shifted uncomfortable in her seat. She couldn't believe that he had actually managed to talk her into agreeing to chemotherapy. Let alone that she had allowed him.
Right now she waited at her doctor's office for her second pre-treatment discussion. In her hands she held a info brochure. It structured pretty much like the one she had gotten before the surgery. Only this time it said "Chemotherapy – What To Expect". Creativity didn't seem to be the strong suite of the people who wrote those things.
Nervously she looked at her watch. She was very next in line. Her name would be called any second. If she wanted to escape it was now or never. Grabbing her stuff frantically she stood up. She didn't belong here. There had to be a different way.
"Sooner or later you will have to go in there." She turned around at the somehow familiar voice from behind her. "Might as well get it over with right now."
She immediately recognized the apparently constantly smiling, woman with the red head scarf.
"I wasn't-- I just--," she struggled with her words for a second before she put on a polite smile. "...I mean, hi, Hannah, right?"
"Hello Blair." The older woman remained in her seat, putting her magazine aside and patting onto the seating surface next to her. "Come here."
Not really knowing why, Blair sat down next to her. Wondering if she really had been too self absorbed that she hadn't even noticed Hannah during the half hour she'd been waiting here.
Hannah reached out for Blair's hand, holding it between her two own. The brunette didn't really know to feel awkward or stirred by the gesture.
"It ran out three times before I finally managed to step a foot in there."
"Oh... I wasn't leaving," Blair lied. "I just wanted to go to the powder room."
Hannah nodded, obviously not believing a single word. "Sure you did."
What was this woman? A psychoanalyst? She sighed. "Is the fear getting less?"
"Eventually," the woman nodded. "But it for sure never turns into a picnic... Why are you here by yourself?"
"You're here by yourself," Blair countered.
"I am an old hand, at this. But you as a first timer? You shouldn't be alone."
"I didn't want anyone with me," she admitted. "My friend and my husband... ex husband ... both offered but I figured I would have to do it on my own. It's just a last pre-treatment discussion anyway. My friend was here with me for the first one."
Why am I telling her this? Blair couldn't help but wonder about her own talkativeness. She'd met the woman exactly once before. For all she knew, she could've been a reporter, trying to dig up some dirt about her divorce. The print media had turned upside down in order to find out the reason for their separation. Apparently "irreconcilable differences" wasn't a good head line.
"Just make sure to bring someone for the actual treatment," Hanna advised, not caring to explain any further why. But Blair could pretty much figure it out.
She nodded slowly. "I'll keep that in mind."
"Ms. Waldorf?" Blair looked up to the nurse. "The doctor is ready for you now."
Taking a deep breath, Blair realized that there was no backing out now. Encouraged by Hannah's "You'll do fine!" she stood up and walked into the examination room.
After a friendly greeting she was asked to lay down so the doctor could inspect the wound. In a by now familiar process the bandages were removed. She'd also gotten used to the sight. Not that she found it any more appealing. She had learned to exchange the bandage herself every day, with some help by Serena. Her friends were the only one who's seen her like this and she very much intended to keep it that way.
Especially when it came to Chuck. She had sworn to herself that he would never see that hideous body of hers. Ever.
"Everything looks perfectly fine," the doctor explained, causing Blair to roll her eyes. If that was perfectly fine she'd rather not be here when things got bad. "With the wound healing progressing as expected we can start you on chemo next week already."
Yay me!
Blair sat up and readjusted her blouse. "So soon?"
"The sooner, the better," the doctor sat down on her desk, gesturing for Blair to take a seat across from her. "Now I know we've talked about the chemo, how it will proceed and how it works, also the side effects, what you have to consider in your daily life... Is there anything you have questions about?"
Blair had to clear her throat, before being able to speak. "When will I start losing my hair?"
"That varies from person to person. But ... if I may offer my advise, you'd do well to cut your hair short before the chemo starts. The loss of hair is hard enough as it is, but with long hair like you have it, it's even more difficult."
Blair nodded. Of course, she'd asked but she couldn't help being set back into some kind of automatism. She just went on auto pilot. Not really letting the actual importance of the just heard in. She kept this up while the doctor explained more about side effects and how she would have to start planning her life around chemo. She listened to her, nodded at the right spots, memorized the basics of what she said, but didn't allow herself the slightest emotion over anything the other woman had said. Once again she refused to think about any of it to much before she not absolutely had to.
---
"What do you think you're doing here?!"
Chuck couldn't help but jerk when she suddenly appeared behind him, sounding pretty pissed.
"And people tell me to wear a bell," he mumbled.
"Are you monitoring me yourself now?" she asked, looking furious. "What is it? Mike's day off?"
"What are you even talking about woman?"
"You just couldn't let me do this myself, could you?" She poked her finger into his chest in a rather aching manner. "Couldn't let poor, sick Blair do anything on her own? Is Serena here, too? Maybe hiding behind some plants?"
With every word she sank her manicured nail into his chest once again. He was worried that she'd done some serious damage when he finally got a grip of her wrist.
"Would you stop that!" He managed to catch her free hand just in time before she could punch him in the rips with it. "I know you can be full of yourself, but I'm not here for you! I didn't even know your appointment was at this hospital!"
"Cut the crap, Bass!", she freed herself out of his grip. "Why else would you be in a women's hospital? Grown a vagina all the sudden?"
"Now that would not just be a tragic scenario for me, would it?" He just smirked at the angry gaze she threw him. "I'm here to see the newborn Archibald. The Baby Dior bag might tip you off? That onesie certainly isn't my new spying outfit."
"Oh."
"Exactly." He could enjoy his triumph over abashing her not for so long when he noticed the strange look that suddenly appeared on her face. "Hey, you okay?"
"It's just-- Serena told me the other day that Jenny was having her baby," she paused for a second, looking towards the ground. "And I haven't spared as much as thought on it ever since then. Talk about self-seeking."
With a finger under her chin he lifted her head so that she had to face him: "You have every right to be self-seeking. In fact it's even necessary."
"You think I could sign on your card?" she asked a hesitant smile later.
"You could accompany me," he suggested.
All of her insecurities had reached their highest level within a second. She started to fidget around, clasping her hands together anxiously. But the thing that surprised him the most was that she actually started to stumble in her speech.
"They don't... I don't know... What if... I am..." She closed her stuttering with a whiny sigh.
He didn't think she'd actually noticed that she had been gesturing to her chest while trying to speak. He understood what she wanted to say. Nate and Jenny didn't know about the cancer or the mastectomy, never mind the upcoming chemo. He knew that Blair was afraid that somebody would notice her body looking different, even despite the fact she was wearing a prostheses.
"If you don't want to tell them you don't have to," he said softly. "You look just as perfect as always. They won't notice a thing."
"I hate that you know me so well," she said rolling her eyes, in the best effort to cover up her embarrassment.
"So, what do you say?" he asked.
"Don't they think I'm in Europe?" she interjected.
"We'll tell them you came back early," he provided, offering his arm to her.
Among a dramatic sigh she linked her arm with his and they walked towards the elevators.
---
Arrived in front of the right room door they both stopped for a moment.
"Last chance, if you wanna chicken out," Chuck offered.
But Blair shook her head, going into full on Queen Bee mode. She straightened her back and lifted her chin. A fake smile plastered on her face.
"Relax. You'll do just fine."
She was certain that he didn't have the slightest idea what it did to her as he slipped his hand to the small of her back. Let alone how that made her feel.
He's just trying to calm you down, she reminded herself, nonetheless unable to ignore the tingles running up and down her spine. Though she knew anything else would've been nonsense. There was no way he could find anything attractive about her now.
"Shall we?" he asked, ready to knock.
She just bowed her head and walked behind him after they'd been called in. Nate's jaw dropped when he saw them coming in together.
"Chuck and Blair?" the expression on his face was simply priceless.
"Close your mouth, Nathaniel. You'll catch a fly," Chuck said as he ushered Blair past Nate towards Jenny who sat on the bed, a little pink bundle in her arms.
Jenny certainly was just as surprised as her husband, although she did a whole lot better hiding it.
"It's so great to see you guys," she said with a smile. Everyone of them could hear the unspoken "... together."
"It's great to see you too, Jenny," Blair sat down on the bed next to her friend and leaned over so she could get a better look of the baby. "And now who is this little princess?"
"Meet Victoria Anne Archibald. Six pounds and three ounces," Jenny said proudly holding up the newborn who looked around curiously out of her bright blue eyes.
"She's gorgeous," Blair declared unable to break her eyes away from the baby.
"Which means she doesn't take after you," Chuck mumbled towards his best friend, earning a glare in return.
"You wanna hold her?" Jenny offered to Blair.
The brunette hesitated for a second. Her experience with infants was pretty much non existent. Jenny and Nate were the first couple in her closer circle of friends to have a baby.
"Come on, Blair," Nate said. "She won't bite."
Halting Blair held out her arms so the fledgling mother could place Victoria in them. To say it felt amazing holding this tiny life would've been an understatement. The baby looked up at her out of a perfect mixture of her parents eyes. To see Nate and Jenny combined in this whole new person seemed like an unbelievable miracle.
"She suits you," Chuck said with a smirk.
"Are you saying my daughter is just an accessory," Nate asked pointed.
"I'd never dare," Chuck answered, only half serious.
Being here Blair felt herself relaxing for the first time. Being here was familiar and refreshing. Like one happy couple with another happy couple. None of the drama. None of the frustrations. None of the life/death decisions she had to arrive at.
"Hey, why don't we leave the women alone gossiping for a while," Nate suggested. "We could go outside and smoke these Cuban cigars my Dad gave me."
Even through the baby bubble she found herself in, Blair noticed the questioning look her ex-husband gave her.
Are you gonna be okay? his eyes asked.
I'm gonna be fine, hers answered. Go, smoke up!
"Sure, Nathaniel," Chuck agreed finally, stepping out of the room.
Almost the second the door closed behind her father Victoria started grouching in Blair's arms.
The brunette gave Jenny a helpless look, who just smiled in return.
"Just dandle her a bit," Jenny suggested. "She'll calm down in a minute. It's like she has a GPS for her father. The minute she see him he leave the room, she get's grumpy. I could probably leave for a whole day and she wouldn't even notice, despite that she would be really hungry."
"Nate Archibald always had a special way with women," Blair laughed, although the baby still struggled in her arms.
"He sure has," she sighed.
Blair surrendered when the little girl started a full on screaming and crying aria and handed her back to Jenny. The baby quieted down almost immediately.
"Don't take it personal," Jenny laughed. "I think she's just hungry."
Jenny's next action caught Blair off guard. Before she could do as much as react, Jenny had opened her nursing bra and adjusted her daughters mouth around her nipple. The baby started to suckle eagerly.
It was no news to Blair that young mothers seemed to loose all their natural sense of shame when it came to breastfeeding. They popped there boobs out everywhere. Let it be in private or in public. In cafes, in the park, at dinner invitations. You name it, Blair had seen it all. And it had never really bothered her.
Up and till now.
Watching Jenny smiling happily as she nursed her baby, it felt like a slap in the face.
Being here with her friends had actually made her forget about her disease. And holding this tiny little girl she'd actually felt happy for the first time in quite a while.
But now reality had caught up with her. She felt her throat closing up and her mouth running dry. What scared her most though was the elusive hate she felt towards Jenny. Good reason told her that she shouldn't be mad at her friend. It wasn't her fault she'd developed cancer. She hadn't even told Jenny anything about it.
She knew all this. But seeing Jenny's perfect, full breast, Blair felt a strong urge to yell at her friend.
"Blair?" Her sudden change of attitude of course hadn't slipped Jenny's attention. "Is everything all right? You've gone awfully pale. Are you not feeling well?"
Hearing the blonde's voice reminded Blair to keep herself together. If she didn't want anybody to find out, she couldn't act suspiciously.
"No. Everything's just fine," she lied, sure that she would throw up if she was had to watch this scenery only a minute longer. "I just totally forgot that I have an appointment. I've got to hurry if I still want to make it on time."
She could feel Jenny's skeptical eyes on her as she gathered her coat and handbag. "Are you sure you're okay?"
"Of course," she answered rushing towards the door. "I'll call you, okay?"
She basically fled the room, darting through the hospital hallways. She didn't even bother waiting for the elevator, but took the stairs instead. Certain, that she would choke if she didn't get out of here immediately.
Almost by the main exit she felt a hand grabbing her wrist. Startled she looked into Chuck's worried eyes.
"What's wrong, Blair?"
Nate stood beside him looking even more confused than usual, but equally worried.
"I have to go," she answered, her voice almost at the breaking point. "I forgot something. I have to go."
"Okay," Chuck answered more calmly then he really was. "Let's go. I'll bring you."
She freed herself of his hand in a vigorous motion. "No. You don't need to come."
"Don't talk nonsense Blair," he countered following after her.
"I wanna be alone!" she yelled right into his face this time, causing a few people to stare at the two of them.
Hasting out of the door she left a dazzled Chuck Bass behind her. She didn't mean to be that harsh to him. But she couldn't make herself vulnerable in front of him again. She just couldn't.
Out on the street she was thankful for the rain pouring down on her as she walked. This way no one would notice the tears streaming down her face.
---
He didn't take him long to find her. His heart dropped to his stomach as he spotted her soaked figure, sitting on the steps of the Met.
Her steps.
Wordlessly he sat down next to her, holding his umbrella over both of them.
"How did you know I was here?" she asked not lifting her gaze of the ground.
"Those are your steps," he replied staring at the same spot as she did. "Here you still can feel like yourself. Like the queen you are."
"I'm sorry for yelling at you," she said rueful. "I just had to get out of there."
"What happened?" Chuck wanted to know.
"Jenny nursed Victoria." Her voice was so low he had trouble understanding her.
He felt like such an idiot. He should've seen something like that coming. How could he drag Blair along to Jenny when she was so insecure about her own feminity ? Jenny, who was not only a few years younger than her, but basically sparkled with fertility and womanliness at the moment.
"I'm so sorry, Blair," he began.
"It feels like I'm drowning. I can't breathe and I can't do anything about it," she admitted, new tears forming in her eyes.
"I'm here," he told her. "I won't let you drown."
"Why?" The monotonous tone had returned to her voice.
"I told you. I wanna be here for you."
"Why now?" She brushed away a single tear that run over her cheek. "Not to long ago you told me to fuck off and slammed the door in my face."
"You didn't need me back then like you do now."
"Classifies as nothing more than pity in my eyes."
Chuck had to fight down the urge to grab her shoulders and shake her until all of her false pride would fall right out off her.
"Get over yourself," he said instead, his tone clearly commanding and impatient. "I don't pity you, I care about you!"
Her eyes screamed "Why now?" again but he wouldn't allow her to ask it out loud. Because he didn't know the answer to that one himself. He was so convinced that their love was over. That he didn't give a damn about her anymore. Man, had he been an idiot.
"And that's why I'll get you into the dry now," he stood up and stretched out his hand towards her. "Come on, let's go. You'll catch your death out here."
She glared up at him.
"Even for you, that was bad pun, Bass," she said and took his hand.
"Let me give you a ride," he suggested, gesturing towards his limo.
She shook her head, "Not necessary."
"I can't let you take a cab, can I?"
"Apparently you forgot that I got my own limo out of divorcing you."
He shrugged her words off with a wave of his hand and opened the door for her. "It's not a real limo if it's not stretched."
"That's what I told your lawyer," she replied perky and climbed in without further discussion.
He got seated next to her, instructing his driver to drop them off at her place.
"So, what did the doctor say?" he asked his expression rather worried.
Her mimic turned disappointed, for a split second. Could it be about him ending their implied flirting so abruptly in order to bring back the cancer topic? Had it even been flirting? Or better yet, should they even be flirting? They had never talked about what had happened in the Palace suite more than a week ago. Before they took any further steps into rebounding they maybe should come clear with everything that had happened.
She seemed so vulnerable, too. Her mood changed faster than he could manage to adjust to it. Even suggesting as much as that she was vulnerable could provoke her next blaze of anger.
Sighing she pulled a stack of info brochures out of her handbag and handed them over to him.
"She said I'd be able to start chemo next week. The wound healing is making good progress so there's no reason to wait any longer."
Acknowledging what she said with a nod, he didn't look up from browsing through the brochures. He opened one that titled "Coping with side effects". He frowned as his eyes wandered over the listing of what chemotherapy could cause.
"This reads like the symptoms of a very own disease," he spoke his thoughts. "Nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, hair loss, fatigue, anemia, increase danger of infection, mouth sores, risk of infertility--"
He stopped in his tracks, meeting her eyes almost shyly. She could only hold his gaze for a second before she looked down. He knew that they both were thinking about the exact same incident almost exactly eighteen months ago.
"Where the hell have you been?"
"Out."
"Out? That's it?"
"Yes. If that's not enough, just ask your PI, as usual."
"I will, don't you worry.... My, you look horrible, Blair."
"Gee, you really know how to flatter a woman."
"Are you okay?"
"I will be. I just need to rest."
"Do that. And listen, about this morning... My reaction was inappropriate. I guess I'll just need time to adjust."
"No need to bother."
"What that's supposed to mean? You're pregnant."
"No I'm not."
"What?"
"Not anymore."
"Did you ... lose it?"
"No."
"So you..."
"Yes."
"Without even talking to me about it?"
"It wasn't your decision to make."
"It was my child!"
"A cluster of cells, Chuck. Not a child."
"Selfish bitch!"
"Look at us Chuck! We're barley able to keep up a civil conversation! We could never be parents."
"You don't know that."
"We would've messed this kid up worse than our parents did with us."
"Maybe it would've been our chance to start over."
"Do we even want to start over?"
"Thanks to you, now we'll never know."
"Don't act like this was a walk in the park for me. No matter if I wanted it or not it was still a fucking abortion."
"Your body, your decision. Your burden – not mine."
"Strange, isn't it" she said into the silence both of them had remained in for a while. "Up and till now I never wanted kids, and now it may be to late."
"Do you want kids now?" he asked calmly and didn't really know why. He didn't want to have that conversation with her. What would he do with her answer? What if she answered yes?
"I don't know", she answered honestly. "I just know that I hate it when people tell me I can't do something."
He couldn't help but laugh at that and leaned back into the leather seats. "You sure do."
"Can you do me a favor, Chuck?"
He responded in a slight nod, wondering what she was up to now. Knowing he simply was unable to deny her anything, always had been. "What can I do for you?"
Her face had an odd expression as she answered. A mixture of scared and decided. "Accompany me to my hair salon."
---
She was amazed by herself how calm she remained, sitting in the hairdressers chair waiting. Maybe it was the fact that she was in control again. She wouldn't sit around and let chemo cause her hair to get thinner and eventually shed it. She would decide.
"You're absolutely sure about this?" Chuck had a doubtful expression on his face. With a little bit of worry.
She studied herself in the mirror for a moment, dark curls framing her face. As long as she could remember she had had long hair. She was so used to it.
Used to it?
She'd been dating Nate in high school because she had been used to it. She'd stayed in an unhappy marriage with Chuck because she had been used to it. Maybe a change of habits wouldn't be the worst.
"Yes, I'm sure," she replied in a even for herself surprisingly firm voice.
"Alright." Her personal hair stylist Kate stepped up from behind her. "I'm all ready for you now Mrs. Bass."
She met Chuck's eyes through the mirror awkwardly. "It's Waldorf, actually. Ms. Waldorf."
"Sorry, my mistake."
Blair did absolutely not approve of the curious glances Kate gave her and Chuck. This salon was worse than gossip girl had been in high school .Even if I'd fuck him right here on your counter, it would be none of you god damn business.
"Listen," Chuck had started talking before she could to as much as form the words in her head. "If we find anything of our being here on the society news tomorrow, we'll know who to sue. Are we understood?"
"Of course, Mr. Bass. Confidentiality is our golden rule," the woman was obviously intimidated by the powerful couple. "So what can I do for you today? Cut the ends, shampoo and set as usual?" The hair stylist readjusted the cape that lay around Blair's neck anxiously.
"I want you to shave my head." She forced herself to not put the slightest bit of emotion in her voice, like all of this was just some kind of business deal.
Kate on the other hand couldn't even keep her emotions out of her mimic. Terrified was probably the best way to describe her expression, but didn't even come close. "Are you kidding?"
"No, I am not. I want you to shave my head," she repeated.
"But why would you do that? You have such gorgeous hair Ms. Waldorf."
"I also have gorgeous cancer!" Blair's look was as sharp as her voice. "Now will you do this or do I have to pull a Britney fucking Spears and do it myself?"
The hair stylist gulped visibly, before reaching for the electric razor. She threw Blair a last consulting look as she set the her instrument in place at her hairline. After a reaffirming nod, she closed her eyes and the buzzing started.
She felt strands of hair fall over her face towards the floor. With every strand that fell she could feel herself relaxing a bit more, because she had regained control once again. All of what happened here was because she'd commanded it. It wasn't the side effect of some dreadful medication. It had been her decision to go bald. She'd decided - not the cancer.
The buzzing stopped and she opened her eyes, staring into a entirely strange reflection in the mirror. So there it was. The moment she'd feared since the doctor had announced she would need chemo. And it certainly came up to it's expectations.
She looked up to Chuck when she felt his hand on her shoulder.
"I want you to do me, too," he said directed towards Kate, his eyes dead serious.
Blair shook her head vigorous, putting her hand over his. A electrified feeling went through her, when her skin touched his. She told herself that it was just the greatfullness she felt because of what he'd just offered to do for.
"Cut the solidarity crap, Bass," she said with a small smile.
"But I want--"
She wouldn't let him finish. "With your cheek bones and your chin you could never pull off a clean head. And we both know you can't bear it, whenever I look better than you. Even bald. "
He sighed and managed vague smile, never taking his eyes off her. She'd always loved his eyes. She wanted to drown in them, right this second. They made her forget about all of the ugly stuff around her, like that she had just gotten her head shaved or had cancer in the first place.
"Are you okay?" he wanted to know.
She took a breath before studying her image once again, frowning. "Just worried about being fashionable. I don't have a cap or anything."
"I think I can remedy that", a mysterious look came up on his face. "Wait here just a second."
Before she could even think about an answer he'd dissapeared outside. She sincerely hoped that he wouldn't pull some cheap synthetic wig, owned by one of his former bimbos, out of the trunk. When he came back inside he was clearly hiding something behind his back, a sassy smirk on his lips.
"Close your eyes," he ordered and twirled her around on the chair so her back was facing him.
"Your pants better still be on when I open them," she mumbled, following his orders grundingly.
The next thing she felt was a cool silken material touching the skin on her forehead and scalp. When he fiddled around apparently making a knot his fingers grazed ever so lightly over the nape of her neck. She felt her whole body electrified. Not knowing if he did it on purpose, she couldn't help but think how much she'd missed those fingers. Wishing privily that those fingers would touch more than just her nape.
"Okay, open your eyes," his hands grazed along the sides of her neck, resting on her clothed shoulders.
She firmly pressed her lips together, unwilling to show how frustrated she was with the loss of skin contact. She had to take a deep breathe before she actually could obey and open her eyes. The checkered , silken fabric she recognized instantly.
"Your scarf." Amazed she let on hand run over her silk covered head and played with the longer piece that ran from the knot in her nape over her shoulder.
"I thought it could be your signature scarf now," he outlined, a hint of insecurity playing on his features. "Do you like it?"
Afraid her voice would break by the affection she felt for him, Blair just nodded and smiled.
She loved it.
She loved him.
To be continued
AN: So? What did you think? Any favorite parts? Something you hated? Please let me know! Feedback is loved!
Oh, and please don't kill me because of the flashback. I've always been pro-choice. I'm afraid nothings gonna change that! ;)