Hand Puppets of Doom

In the Great Meeting Hall of Irk Purple and Red were conducting a meeting among not only the Ikren elite but many warriors. (Well what else would happen at the Great Meeting Hall of Irk? Tap dancing lessons?) And it was broadcast simultaneously to all Irken outposts.

What was left of them.

"What do you mean our license on Foodcourtia has been revoked?" Red yelled at an Irken representative. "Don't we own that planet?"

"No sir, we only rented it," The Irken sighed. "There's a lot of stuff about health code violations and something about a grease fire that got out of control. Apparently Sizz-Lorr hasn't been paying attention to his duties lately."

"Well at least it's one thing we can't blame on Zim," Purple shrugged.

"Uh…." The Irken Representative scratched his head.

"Don't tell me, let me guess…" Red sighed. "Because Zim escaped twice from Foodcourtia and broke Sizz-Lorr's perfect record he had some kind of breakdown? Am I right?"

"Well that's the name Sizz-Lorr kept saying as he took his big laser blaster and started shooting up all the other restaurants," The Irken Representative read the report.

"Yeah that's what I figured," Red scratched his head. "Look it's not like someone hasn't gone crazy and shot up a bunch of people before on that planet! Just pay off the Foodcourtia Board of Health and Sanitation and get our license back!"

"Can't my Tallest! We're broke! The Treasury of Irk is depleted!" An aide spoke.

"So? Just use the money in the secret account," Red said.

"Uh that money is gone too, my Tallest," An aide said.

"So use the money in the secret, secret account!" Purple was exasperated.

"That's gone too. As well as the money in all the other secret accounts!" The aide said. "Including the emergency statue fund. That's tapped dry!"

"So you're saying we're broke? How did that happen?" Purple yelled.

"For starters there's the rising cost of Operation Impending Doom II, including the making of and creation of brand new ships, weapons systems, maps, guidance systems, that donut making machine you installed in the Massive…" Another aide spoke. "The potato chip buffet line you installed in the Massive. Those new silk cushions for your new couch in your personal quarters. The fifty six solid platinum statues of yourselves in your palaces. The ice cream maker and sundae bar you have in your personal quarters…"

"Yes, yes…Don't need to go into details here," Red interrupted. "The bottom line is we can't buy Foodcourtia so we have to take it back by force! Fine! That's another planet we have to retake! Add it to the list!"

"That list is getting longer by the hour!" Purple moaned. "I don't understand it! Operation Impending Doom II was going so well! We conquered so many worlds! How could it start failing on us now?"

"My Tallest I'm afraid a small part of the problem is that we never were able to revive the Control Brains," An Irken advisor said respectfully.

"There was nothing to revive! Zim blew them up with his insanity!" Purple groaned.

"Blew them up? The Control Brains are gone?" Another female Irken with pink eyes that was somewhat tall gasped. (Of course not as tall as either Red or Purple) "How did that happen?"

"Oh that's right Invader Deegee you weren't here when that disaster occurred," Purple remembered. "And since you were off exploring the Theta Quadrant for more planets to conquer and under orders for communications silence you don't know what happened."

"Well I'm back now! What did happen?" Invader Deegee shouted.

"We put Zim on trial so he could be deactivated and his PAK shut down," Red sighed. "But not even one minute into the process of his termination his insanity and memories overloaded the Control Brains as they absorbed his information collected in his PAK database."

"Overloaded?" Invader Deegee gasped.

"Blew them up completely…" Purple moaned. "There's still brain splatter on the ceiling we just can't get at."

"Apparently Zim's ego also affected the Control Brains because the last words they said was that Zim was the greatest most amazing Irken that ever lived," Red groaned. "And it gave Zim full control of the Massive for five minutes. I don't want to tell you what happened during those five minutes. To this day it's too horrible for me to remember!"

"I still have nightmares about it," Purple shuddered. "Anyway all the Control Brains were all blown up into tiny little pieces."

"Yeah bringing all the Control Brains from the six main planets of the Empire together for the trial may not have been one of our best ideas," Red groaned. "But we just wanted to get rid of Zim so badly! We didn't want to take any chances!"

"So no Control Brains means that many of the functions of the empire can't be monitored telepathically and electronically anymore," Invader Deegee realized.

"Well that explains why the payments to Foodcourtia were overdue," The Irken Representative looked at his files. "That's another reason why we're being kicked out."

"And it also explains why my requests for backup went unnoticed!" Another Invader with his head bandaged and his arm in a cast. "The planet I took over revolted and took it back!"

"Same thing happened to my planet," Another bandaged Invader nodded.

"Mine too," A third bandaged Invader groaned. "And Invader Tok's."

"Where is Tok?" Purple looked around.

"Let's just say he couldn't be here because of a slight case of death," The third Invader gave him a look. "Actually it's more of a case of a very large mob and some very sharp sticks."

"Eww…" Purple winced. "We really should have gotten some new Control Brains."

"We couldn't afford them and the new ten foot tall donut machine in the center of Tallest Manor!" Red snapped. "Besides the Control Brains were always telling us what to do! We don't need them! I mean stuff like this was bound to happen sooner or later! There's always a few planets that will temporarily slip out of our grasp when changes in leadership happen. This is the Irken Empire! We have the freaking largest empire the universe has ever seen! So one or two planets get out of hand for a little bit? We can get them back and some new ones! Out of the 2,150,687 planets we've conquered in the past three hundred thousand years how many do we have left?"

"Not counting Foodcourtia…Thirty eight," An Invader tallied up the number. "So if you do count it…Thirty seven."

"Thirty…seven?" Red's eye twitched. "HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN?"

"Well like you said sir, when the Control Brains were destroyed all those orders for backup on those other planets and requests for new weapons went unheeded," The Invader Accountant gulped. "A lot of people on a lot of planets took advantage of that."

"And because we had no clue what was going on we didn't send any new invaders and warriors to help keep the order on those planets," Red realized. "We used all new recruits to help us invade new planets while our control on the old ones slipped away."

"And then all our enemies decided it might not be a bad idea to band together and fight us!" Purple finished. "Oh this is not good…"

"The past couple of months the Resisty has been growing like wild weeds on Bandicoot!" Another Invader nodded. "Which by the way took back the planet from us too. Who knew there was such a thing as sentient weeds?"

"But the Resisty actually being a force against us? Seriously? Those guys? Those losers couldn't even steal our snacks a year ago!" Purple threw up his hands.

"Well there's a lot more of them now than there were a few years ago," An Invader spoke. "Let's face it. We have a lot of enemies."

"Enemies? Like who?" Purple snapped.

"The Vortians, who were once our allies until we betrayed them and conquered them," Red gave Purple a look. "The Lugars who we cheated and stole their planet and forced them into slavery shipping packages for us. The Leonoids whose planet we blew up when we couldn't enslave them. The Micamacs, when we mined so much of their planet's minerals we destroyed their planet. The Sklarr, aliens in complete harmony with nature whose planet we turned into a mini mall. The Okobos who just don't like anybody frankly. That's why we used their planet for target practice. There's over two million different species the Irken Empire has either conquered, decimated or just plain annoyed. Pick one!"

"Oh those guys," Purple's antennae drooped.

"The fact that the Meekrob have joined the Resisty hasn't hurt them either," Another Invader said. "I mean. They're a race of pure energy with technological advances far beyond those of normal science. Kind of hard to beat an edge like that."

"Since when are the Meekrob that powerful?" Purple asked.

"Since five thousand years ago," Another Invader said.

"We really should have done more research before we started invading some of these planets," Purple groaned.

"The problem is that the Meekrob and the Resisty now have Invader Tenn," Red groaned. "Normally that wouldn't be a problem. I mean let's face it, most of you invaders are expendable. But Tenn is different. Not only is she one of the highest ranking Invaders Irk has ever had, she knows a lot of top secret stuff about our defenses and the inner workings of the empire."

"And she's the only one who knows how to operate the donut machines and can fix our snack vending machines when they get out of whack!" Purple cried. "The one in our office hasn't given out any snacks for a week! They're all stuck in there and we try to push on it and hit it and…"

"They get the point," Red snapped as he interrupted. "Okay first we'll take care of Tenn then we'll…"

THUD!

A door slammed open. "Fear not my Tallest! Zim has returned!" Zim strode proudly to the center of the room.

"Oh look all our problems are over," Purple said sarcastically. "Zim is here!"

"Oh no! What's he doing here? I thought he was banished? Who let this guy in? We're doomed!" The Invaders muttered to themselves as Zim strode in with Gir behind him.

"Hi! Hi there! How ya doin'?" Gir waved to the Invaders who looked at him with cold eyes. "Geeze, tough crowd!"

"What are you doing here, Zim?" Red moaned. "Besides screwing up the situation even more than we need it screwed up?"

"My Tallest! I heard about the Empire's plight and the terrible circumstances of the capture of Invader Tenn!" Zim knelt. "I have come to help!"

"Of course you have," Red grumbled. "How the flork did you know about it anyway?"

"Why you sent a message to all available Invaders to come here!" Zim blinked. "I uh, had some time to kill before I finished conquering my planet so…"

"We didn't send that message to you!" Red interrupted.

"You sent it to Skoodge and I heard it," Zim said as he stood up. "He was staying at my base. Uh you do know he never really conquered Blorch right? He just said he did so he could get out of being mauled by giant rats."

"Skoodge…I should have known," Red snarled. "If it's not Zim screwing up it's Skoodge!"

"Fear not my Tallest! For I have devised a cunning plan to rescue Tenn and bring glory back to the Empire!" Zim said.

"That won't be necessary Zim," Red said. "The Resisty and the Meekrob said they're sending down a representative to negotiate terms to return Tenn to us."

"You're negotiating with terrorist scum?" Zim shouted. "But we are invaders! We don't negotiate! We invade and destroy our enemies!"

"I don't like it either but considering the circumstances we have little choice," Red folded his arms. "Thanks to you and the Resisty our once mighty empire has dwindled down to 37 planets."

"Thirty Six planets, my Tallest," The Invader Accountant corrected. "Since Blorch was never really conquered in the first place."

"Fine, 36 planets," Red went on. "As I was saying…"

"Uh sir hold on a second," An Irken wearing a communicator helmet interrupted. "Where's Invader Ool?"

"Right here!" A large Invader raised his hand.

"Yeah Ool, you left your secret lair's front door open," The Communicator Irken spoke up. "You're SIR Unit called and said that your lair is under attack from the planet Pingo's resistance and…"

There was the sound of an explosion so loud it could be heard from the Communicator's helmet. "Never mind. Make that thirty five planets!"

"Oops, my bad," Ool gulped.

"Remind me to kill you later Ool," Red snarled. "Zim even you can figure out we're having problems here so there's no need for you to stay here and make them worse!"

"The mighty Irken Empire decimated? Impossible! How can this be? What of our grand armadas?" Zim asked. "What of the Ultimate Armada Irk which contains ten thousand warships and a million of our fiercest fighters?"

"Yeah what about that?" Purple realized.

"Uh I have an answer for that Sir," Another bandaged Irken raised his hand. "Remember how you sent the Ultimate Armada Irk last week to Sector G-R-8675309? You wanted to see if there were any planets there to take over?"

"Yeah?" Red raised an antennae.

"There weren't any planets there," The Irken sighed. "But there was a very, very big black hole."

"Oh no…" Red slapped his head. "You don't mean…?"

"Yup, I barely escaped myself and just got here an hour ago," The Irken said.

"So half of our fleet is gone?" Purple yelled.

"Pretty much," The Irken shrugged.

"Boy we really need to work on our Intelligence Department," Purple blinked.

"That was also under the control of the Control Brains!" Red snapped.

"Man those things did a lot didn't they?" Purple realized.

"Why do I get the feeling Zim's not the only one wrecking the Irken Empire?" One Invader in the back of the crowd whispered to another.

"Hold on we're getting a hail signal," Red looked at his computer. "It's the Resisty. Put it on the monitor."

"Is that a Vortian ship?" Purple gasped when they saw the giant ship.

"It's a big Vortian ship," Red gasped.

"Wait a minute…Those guys had another one?" Purple yelled. "How could we miss a ship that big?"

"I knew we should have been paying closer attention to those Resisty maniacs!" Red groaned. "Instead of spending all our time at the puppet shows!"

"Don't start knocking the puppet shows!" Purple put his hands on his hips.

An Irken technician reported. "The Resisty are beaming down their representative right now."

"Wait! I sense something!" Zim felt a familiar shudder. "He is here…"

"Didn't the Tallest just say that?" An Irken asked another.

"Crazy," The other Irken made a swirling motion by his head with his finger.

The Resisty came up on the monitor. Lard Nar addressed the Irkens. "Irken Invaders, we bring you our representative! He is one of our most noble and brilliant warriors! I bring you…Dib!"

Dib materialized in front of the Tallest next to Zim. "YOU!" Zim snarled.

"Yeah me! Surprised to see me, Zim?" Dib sneered.

"Hi Dib!" Gir waved.

"Hi Gir," Dib sighed.

"Who is this?" Red shouted. He raised an antennae. "And what is he?"

"Looks like some kind of pasty…ape like smeet," Purple blinked. "With a very, very big head…"

"That is a big head," Red blinked.

"Greetings Evil Irken Empire," Dib said boldly. "I am Dib! I'm a human from the Planet Earth! Hunter of Aliens and Investigator of the Paranormal! And I'm here to negotiate terms for the return of your invader. Term number one, DON'T INVADE THE EARTH! And stop doing….bad stuff to it."

"Irrrth? Never heard of it," Red blinked as he slightly mispronounced the name. "Is there an Irrth in any of our records of planets we have or lost?"

"Uh I don't think so," The Irken Accountant looked at his records. "How do you spell it? I-R…?"

"E-A-R-T-H!" Dib snapped. "Earth! You know, the planet you've been trying to take over for nearly two years?"

"We have?" Purple blinked. "Dib you are going to have to be a bit more specific. We've been taking over a lot of planets."

"Earth is my planet my Tallest," Zim explained.

"No, it's not!" Dib shouted. "Earth is my planet that you invaded!"

"Why am I not shocked that this has something to do with you, Zim?" Red asked sarcastically. "Of course, wherever disaster goes…There's Zim!"

"So you and Zim know each other?" Purple asked.

"Yes! Zim has been trying to take over my world but I have thwarted him every step of the way!" Dib said proudly.

"No, you haven't!" Zim snapped.

"Yes, I have!" Dib shouted.

"Nuh huh!" Zim shouted.

"Uh huh!" Dib yelled.

"Nuh huh" Zim shouted.

"Uh huh!" Dib yelled back.

"No way!" Zim shouted.

"Yes way!" Dib yelled.

"Wait a second. I remember this big headed one now," Red realized. "Remember that time we called Zim and this annoying nut kept asking us questions and danced around with Zim's robot?"

"Oh yeah, you're right," Purple blinked. "Then Zim came in and they ran around screaming and caused some destruction. How could we forget that?"

"To be fair I try to block out any memory I have of when we contact Zim," Red moaned.

"No way!" Zim shouted.

"Yes way!" Dib yelled back. "Alien jerk!"

"I know you are but what am I?" Zim quipped.

"Can't say I blame you," Purple sighed.

"Alien jerk!" Dib repeated.

"I know you are but what am I?" Zim mocked.

"You're a dookie brain!" Dib yelled.

"Well you're a double dookie brain!" Zim yelled back.

"You're a double triple double dookie brain!" Dib screamed.

"Well you're a triple, triple, double triple quadruple dookie brain!" Zim screamed. "AND YOUR BIG HEAD IS FULL OF DOOKIE!"

"IT IS NOT THAT BIG!" Dib screamed.

"IS TOO!"

"IS NOT!"

"IS TOO!"

"IS NOT!"

"Something is a little off here," Purple's antennae went down. "Even more than usual."

"Stop arguing you two! Now I remember Earth. And those memories are not good ones. Just get on with it," Red groaned.

"I am the protector of Earth and I have defended it against Zim's evil stuff ever since the first day he infiltrated my skool!" Dib made an heroic pose.

"Skool?" Red asked.

"It's a learning facility which I have infiltrated to learn more about Earth's culture and weapons systems," Zim explained.

"Wait this skool is like the academy?" Purple blinked.

"Well yes only they don't teach battle tactics, weapons practice, infiltration, dismantling defense systems, piloting starships…" Zim counted off.

"I'm going to stop you right there," Red held up his hand. "So what exactly does this skool teach?"

"Uh Earth history…How to write in cursive," Zim scratched his head. "Um…Very basic science. Very simple mathematics. They don't even teach basic plutonium calculus!"

"Uh huh," Purple frowned. "And Dib…How old are you exactly?"

"I'm eleven and a half," Dib said.

"And just to clarify things in my mind at what age does your species consider to be adulthood?" Purple asked.

"Technically 18 but legally 21," Dib shrugged.

"Really? That's pretty young," Zim blinked.

"Well how old are you?" Dib asked Zim.

"In your Earth years 159," Zim shrugged.

"One hundred and fifty nine?" Dib yelled. "You're that old?"

"Well…Only on Earth," Zim admitted. "Due to differences in space time zones and the unusually large orbit Irk makes around it's suns and other factors…I mean one year on Irk is actually several of your Earth years. Actually it's several other years on other planets too. So on Irk technically I'm…Uh…"

"Sixteen," Gir interrupted. "I can do math in my head! Wait no I can't."

"Actually that's pretty much right," Zim said.

"You're only sixteen?" Dib gasped.

"Hey! Irk's orbit takes over nine regular planetary years according to the Intergalactic conversion factor!" Zim snapped. "I'm still older than you!"

"Wait you're a teenager and you had to go to fourth grade! HA!" Dib pointed at Zim. "That's hilarious!"

"That's only because it was easier for me to infiltrate and study your insane, diseased planet!" Zim shouted.

"You mean because you're so short?" Dib mocked.

"Zim is not short! Zim is vertically challenged!" Zim shouted. "Anyway look who's talking! You're short!"

"That's because I'm a kid!" Dib shouted. "I'm supposed to be short! Wait until I get my growth spurt in a couple of years and then we'll see who's short!"

"Hold on, let me get this straight here," Red held up one hand. "All this time Zim has been waging a war…against a human child? Seriously, that's what you've been doing all this time?"

"Hey! Dib is no ordinary child!" Zim snapped. "He is the only one who saw through my brilliant disguise and has thwarted plot after plot after plot after plot…"

"Yeah, yeah we get the picture…" Red interrupted. "A little too clearly."

"I think I'm starting to see why Earth hasn't been taken over yet," The Meekrob Ambassador moaned as the other Resisty watched from the safety of their ships.

"We really should have done more reasearch on that planet," Finn moaned.

"Brilliant plan Finn!" Lard Nar shouted.

"Hey it was your idea to bring the kid!" Finn snapped. "You and your stupid prophecy!"

"Prophecy? What prophecy? I never heard any prophecy!" Lard Nar whistled.

"Oh don't pull that on me!" Finn shouted. The two started to argue. Then punch each other.

"Dookie brain!" Lard Nar shouted.

"Double dookie brain!" Finn yelled back. "OW! DON'T PULL MY EARS!"

"This is why our people usually avoid contact with fleshy life forms," The Meekrob Ambassador sighed.

Back on Irk, negotiations had gone down hill as well.

"Dummy dumbs!" Zim shouted.

"Dummy dumb dumb head!" Dib yelled back.

"Dookie head!" Zim screamed.

"Dookie brain!" Dib screamed back.

"Double dookie dumb dumbs!" Zim yelled at Dib.

Red blinked. "Unbelievable…"

"Okay that's it!" Purple snapped. "I'm telling them!"

"Tell us what? On how you're going to invade Earth?" Dib asked as the two stopped their fight for a second.

"Listen Dib, there is no invasion of Earth! There never was!" Red snapped. "We didn't even know your stupid planet existed until Zim landed on it! And that was just an accident!"

"Or a very bad coincidence," Purple added.

"What do you mean? Aren't you invaders?" Dib asked.

"Yes, but we only were intending to invade the good planets," Red shrugged. "You know worlds that can actually offer us something? Like technology, precious materials…"

"Don't forget the invasion of the planet where they had the universe's most comfortable couch!" An Irken called out.

"Oh yes that was a good invasion," Purple nodded. "Very relaxing actually."

"What are you saying? My Tallest you sent me to conquer an unknown planet," Zim blinked.

"There was no planet Zim! At least we didn't think there was a planet when we sent you away!" Purple snapped. "We just made up that mission so you wouldn't screw up Operation Impending Doom II like you did Operation Impending Doom I!"

"And yet somehow you still managed to screw it up," Red moaned.

"What are you saying?" Zim blinked.

"Zim we never thought there was an Earth or any kind of planet to invade! Sending you to Earth was a mistake! There is no invasion of Earth! There never was!" Red snapped. "We never intended to bring the Armada to Earth to conquer it because we believed there was nothing to conquer! Understand?"

"Huh?" Then a thought came to Zim. "Oh…riiiiiiiiigggghhhttt!" He winked at the Tallest. "I understaaaaannnd."

"No, no! You don't get it Zim! You really are not an invader!" Red snapped.

"We sent you away hoping you would fall in a black hole or die a horrible death!" Purple said.

"Yeesss, horrible death. Gotcha," Zim winked at the Tallest. "Okay Dib you can go home now and forget this ever happened because we are not going to invade you."

"You really don't expect me to believe that do you?" Dib scoffed. "That's just something an alien invader bent on conquest of Earth would say!"

"Great! There's two of them!" Red slapped his head. He turned to Purple. "What are the odds that Zim would find someone as stupid, as insane and as thick headed as he is? And that is a real big thick head!"

"Do you want us to break out the hand puppets?" Purple asked in a condescending voice. "Maybe that might be easier for you to understand?"

"Uh is that some euphemism for some kind of mind control thing?" Dib asked.

"Oh flork, we are going to need the hand puppets," Purple moaned.

"We are not using hand puppets!" Red snapped. "Let's try this again…"

"This is gonna take a while isn't it?" An Invader said to another.

"Yeah, I'd better get us some snacks," The Second Invader said.

Two hours later…

"Okay this is attempt Number Five to explain this whole mess…" Red sighed as he pointed to a chart. "This graph represents the number of explosions and mass destruction since Zim was born. As you can see here it steadily increases up to the day of Operation Impending Doom I."

"See Dib, I have a chart showing how awesome I am!" Zim said proudly. Red slapped his forehead.

An hour later…

"Number Eight…" Red showed a copy of a file on screen. "This is a copy of Zim's service record. See that number there? That's the date when Zim was kicked out of the Invaders and made a food service drone. You are not an invader, Zim! You are a food service drone!"

"Please! I'm a paranormal investigator! I know phony paperwork when I see it!" Dib yelled. "You obviously manufactured that to cover up your paper trail for Zim's secret mission!"

"Yeah! What he said!" Zim agreed. Red hit his head again.

Zim blinked. "Oh wait were you trying to convince Dib that...Sorry, never mind." Red hit his head again.

"You keep doing that Red you're going to have a mark of some kind," Purple remarked.

"Will you just shut up and let me handle this?" Red yelled.

"Told you we needed snacks," The first Invader spoke to another Invader as they ate nachos.

Another two hours later…

"Attempt Number Eleven," Red sighed as he turned on a video. "A documentary we made called Zim is a Complete And Total Screw Up And The Most Insane Irken That Ever Lived!"

"I was the director," Purple said proudly.

"Really?" Red drawled as the words went up on the screen saying: A PURPLE PRODUCTION DIRECTED BY PURPLE, NARRATED BY PURPLE, EDITED BY PURPLE. "I never would have guessed."

"Ooh! Movie time!" Gir called out. "Down in front!"

"Even as a small child Zim was dangerous," Purple's voice was heard on screen. "On the day of his smeeting and indoctrination, he proved how talented he was at causing a disaster."

"I do dat better," A naked baby Zim pointed to a huge screen showing a simplistic history of Irk. "I wouldn't do dat. Or dat. Or dat. Or dat. Boy our ancestors were really stupid!"

PLOP!

Another naked baby Irken fell out of a tube and toddled into the room. "Ooh! Pretty!" The baby gurgled.

"NO! MY ROOM! MINE!" Baby Zim screamed and grabbed the baby Irken. With surprising strength Baby Zim shoved the Irken Baby back up the tube. "My room!"

The baby Irken fell down again only to have Zim shove him back up the tube. More babies tried to fall into the room only to have Baby Zim shove them back up the tube. Eventually the tube filled up with babies and started to malfunction. Which resulted in a huge explosion.

"AAAAHHHHH!" Baby Irkens fell from the sky and fell on top of unsuspecting adult Irkens.

A very tall, very old Irken looked upwards. "Eh what's that? AAAAH!" Several baby Irkens fell on him. "MY SPINE!" He screamed as he fell backwards down a flight of stairs.

"And that is what happened on the day we now call the First Horrible Painful Overload Day," Purple did a voice over as the shot onscreen saw the tall Irken's feet twitch then lie still. "Not only did it disrupt the Hatchery for two whole months, but it was also the cause of death for our beloved Tallest Yif, who ruled the Irken Empire for many, many years."

"Even back then Zim was a pain in the antennae to the Tallest," Red moaned.

"Six months later when the smeets should have been taking nap time, Little Zim was causing more mischief," Purple explained as Baby Zim now wearing a red jumper that looked a little like a cadet uniform toddled into a large room. "Now as we all know, smeets are not allowed on the surface of Irk until they graduate from Smeet Academy at the age of two. But little Zim had other ideas."

"I tink we go out dis way," Baby Zim blinked as he saw a huge set of machines and complicated tubes. He grabbed a short fat smeet and shoved him up a tube. "You go first Skoodge!"

"AAAAHHHH!" Baby Skoodge screamed as he went through the pipes. Until he got stuck and then…

BOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Thus happened the Second Horrible Painful Overload Day," Purple narrated as metal parts rained from the sky. Two very tall Irkens looked up and were both smashed by a large hunk of metal. "And also ended the reign of Tallest Lira and Fal."

"Hmm…Good effects," Dib munched on some popcorn as he watched the film.

"See how I'm the star of my own movie?" Zim said proudly. Red hit his head again.

"Baby Zim age one," Purple went on. "On the smeets' first tour of a doom walker manufacturing plant."

"HA HA HA HA!" Baby Zim was gleefully at the controls of a doom walker as it stomped all over.

"How Zim managed to get into and drive a doom walker is unknown to us," Purple sighed as the destruction was shown onscreen. The doom walker blasted a building which fell on a tall Irken. All anyone could see was a pair of feet which curled up and slithered into the building rubble.

"It is known that this instance was the cause of the death of Tallest Parin," Purple remarked. "And also the implementation of a new rule stating that smeets are no longer allowed to go anywhere near a doom walker manufacturing plant until they graduate from Smeet Academy!"

"The rule of course was made by surviving Tallest Jaof," Purple explained. The screen showed a tall wise looking Irken leader waving to an adoring crowd. A group of cute looking smeets were standing behind him on a platform. Jaof waved and walked to the stairs not noticing a toy doom walker in his path. He tripped over the toy doom walker and fell down a very large flight of stairs very painfully.

"Jaof of course only survived for two weeks after Parin's death," Purple added.

Baby Zim toddled over to the toy doom walker. "Der my doom walker!" Baby Zim hugged the toy.

"After that incident stairs were no longer allowed on podiums where the Tallest would be on," Purple added. "Or smeets. Or toys for that matter."

"We really should have seen the writing on the wall then," Red moaned.

"Let's fast forward to another incident on the training moon of Destructa," Purple spoke. There was a scene showing several cadets participating in a target practice of some sort. Overlooking the cadets were two instructors and a very tall green eyed Irken. "And once again, Zim just had to fix something that wasn't broken. In this case…a homing device disk used for target practice."

Cadet Zim was snickering as he fiddled with a large grey disk and threw it into the air. Instead of the floating disk being shot at, it started shooting at the cadets. The cadets ran in panic as the disk shot everything in sight. No matter how hard the cadets and the instructors tried to shoot it down, it evaded them and started blowing up everything in sight.

Cut to a scene from outer space. The academy building on the moon exploded with a huge bang. "And so not only was the academy on Destructa destroyed and closed for several years," Purple explained. "It was also how Tallest Green died!"

"And the beginning of new higher standards for invaders," Red added. "And more durable materials for our bases."

"Then came the days when Zim was training in his secondary profession, for as you know all Invaders need to know one other specialty," Purple spoke as a scene of Zim in a scientist uniform was showing something to a very tall female Irken leader. "Zim chose to become a scientist and did his training on Vort Research Station 9. He also chose to show Tallest Miyuki his first project: The Infinite Absorbing Blob Creature."

Zim pressed a button when suddenly a huge blob monster ate the female Irken Leader. "And thus came to an end of Tallest Miyuki!"

"Fortunately for Zim, Spork, the next in line to be Tallest covered up Zim's little mistake," Purple explained as a scene of Zim talking with a tall invader was shown. "Unfortunately for Spork, he forgot to tell Zim to put a lid on his latest project."

Tallest Spork was giving a speech in front of a crowd of Irkens when that same giant blob burst through a wall and devoured him. "To this day Tallest Spork has the shortest reign of any Tallest ever. Thirteen minutes."

"I'm starting to see a pattern here," Red groaned.

"Yeah! Yeah! See how awesome Zim is?" Zim cheered in his seat.

"Man you really are good at being an invader!" Dib was shocked.

"Oh flerk…" Red winced. "This is just not working!"

"Well we're just going to have to keep at it until something does work!" Purple snapped.

"Well what could possibly get through the thick skulls of those idiots?" Red shouted.

Another hour later…

"And now we're going to trick Zim into thinking he has a mission to conquer a planet when as far as we know there isn't any planet out there!" 'Red' spoke in a high voice. Actually it was the Red puppet doing the talking and Purple was doing the actions of both Red and Purple.

"My voice is not that high!" Red snapped as he scrunched behind a puppet show stage.

"Just play your part," Purple snapped.

"The things I have to put up with…" Red grumbled as he got the puppet Gir in place.

"And now I, Tallest Red will put together a SIR unit made out of garbage," Purple went on in Red's voice. "Because I don't want to waste a real SIR unit on that incompetent idiot. I will make it out of garbage. Garbage! Garbage begins with the letter G. So instead of a SIR Unit, it will be a GIR unit! G is for garbage!"

"Oh so that's what it stands for?" Gir scratched his head. "Now I know! What were we talking about again?"

"That does explain a few things," Dib looked at Gir.

"Wait a minute…" Zim blinked. "Are you telling me that my mission was actually a lie? That Zim is…not an invader?"

"Told you we should have used the hand puppets first," Purple gave Red a look.

"That's right Zim you're not an invader!" Red snapped. "You were stripped of your title as Invader! You were fired! Banished! Kicked out! Expelled! Debarred! Disqualified! If I knew any other synonyms to say given the bum's rush and thrown out on your empty pointy head I would say it!"

"Wait…Zim is remembering things now…" Zim thought. "Yes there were clues! It's all coming together now…"

FLASHBACKS IN ZIM'S MIND!

Red and Purple gasping at Zim's face on the monitor the first time he contacted them from Earth. "Aren't you supposed to be dead?" Purple asked.

FLASH!

"Nah this planet isn't on any Irken Map! It's clear game for destruction," A Planet Jacker told Zim.

FLASH!

"The Tallest lied to you Zim!" Tak yelled at Zim. "Your mission is a fake!"

FLASH!

"The Tallest lied to you Zim in order to get you out of the way," Sizz Lor told Zim. "Your PAK still has you encoded as a service drone!"

FLASH!

"Your exile…Uh I mean mission is only to observe the planet," Red told Zim. "Not annihilate it!"

FLASH!

"Here's your package special delivery," An alien postal worker gave Zim a package. "Hey, ain't you the guy that was banished from Irk? Zim right?"

"Huh? Yes, yes…" Zim was too busy looking at the package to listen.

"Yeah you're that guy who was given a fake mission by the Tallest so they'd get you out of the way," The alien postal worker remarked. "I remember reading about you in the Irken Post."

"Yes, yes…I am Zim!" Zim waved impatiently, not really listening to what the postal worker was saying.

"Here's a huge article about you," The Postal Worker showed him. "Right here under the headline, Invader Zim No Longer An Invader! Goes in detail how you were given a fake mission and everything."

"Yes, yes, thank you for your praise. Zim is busy now!" Zim waved not even looking at the paper.

"Boy you really lucked out. According to the paper you were supposed to die a horrible death by falling into a black hole or something. See ya!" The Postal Worker said.

FLASHBACKS END!

"Oh no…All the pieces are coming together! The truth about my mission! It's one huge puzzly thing!" Zim yelled. "I have figured it out! My mission was a fake! Zim has figured out the truth!"

"That and the fact we've been telling you that your mission is a fake for the past several hours!" Red snapped.

"But…But why?" Zim asked. "Why give Zim a fake mission?"

"WHY? WHY? DO WE REALLY NEED TO EXPLAIN TO YOU WHY YOU WERE BANISHED?" Red screamed. "WHAT DO YOU THINK WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO FOR THE PAST FIVE AND A HALF HOURS? SERIOUSLY? YOU REALLY NEED TO ASK WHY?"

"Yes," Zim blinked.

"AGGGGHH!" Red screamed. "Zim! You are a defective insane psychopath that causes chaos and madness wherever he goes! Ever since the day you were born you caused destruction! There are so many catastrophes you caused the list goes around the planet twice! But did you listen to us when we said you were doing wrong? NO! You just ignore us and go your merry way!"

"You are a pain in the antennae!" Purple yelled. "Do you have any idea how much we hated it when you called in? You know why we hated it? Because we knew something stupid or insane or dangerous would happen when you called, and surprise! It did happen!"

"Every single time!" Red shouted. "It was a nightmare!"

"You cause just as much trouble away from the empire than when you're here! Even more!" Purple shouted. "Because you have the attention span and the intelligence of a Vortian Flea! Scratch that! Even a Vortian Flea can take a hint!"

"But you don't! You just go on and on and on and on…" Red groaned.

"You never shut up! Why do you never shut up?" Purple asked.

Red started flailing his arms around and talking in a dumb voice. "Duh! I'm Zim! I'm a short little nobody with a Tallest complex! I just do whatever Zim wants because Zim is so great! Duh! Duh! Oooh! Look at all the fires I made! Dooooh! Look at all the buildings I blew up! Doi…I just killed all the other Invaders in my class but that doesn't matter because I am Zim! Yeah! I just set back galactic conquest back about a hundred or so years but that doesn't matter because I am Zim! I have pants in my veins that tell me to blow stuff up and make life miserable for everyone on Irk! Especially the Tallest! OOOOHH! I JUST BLEW UP ONE OF IRK'S SUNS! ARE YOU GETTING THE PICTURE HERE ZIM? That's why you were banished! Twice! And you still won't go away!"

"We've tried everything to get rid of you but nothing works!" Purple moaned. "Zim you're a menace! You're crazy Zim! You're nuts! A complete and total mental case!"

"You think Zim is…defective?" Zim's eyes widened.

"YES!" Both Purple and Red shouted at the same time.

"YES!" The entire crowd in the Meeting Hall of Irk shouted as well.

"But why didn't you say anything before?" Zim sniffed as tears leaked from his eyes.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Both Red and Purple screamed.

"Okay…One more time with the puppets should do it…" Purple took out the puppets.

"Hold on, I'm still not convinced!" Dib snapped. "Okay maybe you sent the wrong guy for the mission? That I believe! But come on!"

"This day just keeps getting suckier and suckier…" Purple moaned. "Seriously, can't we just shoot them both into a black hole or something? Not like we don't know where to find one."

"Let's try another tactic shall we?" Red massaged his head. "Dib…What exactly is so great about your planet that we would want to invade it? And don't say snack foods because we already have that covered with two hundred and something other worlds not counting Foodcourtia!"

"Well there's our oceans," Dib blinked.

"What's an ocean?" Purple asked.

"It's a large body of water, usually filled with disgusting salt," Zim explained. "Smaller than a lake and filled with vile creatures."

"Water, water…I've heard of that stuff. Never really was into that," Red shuddered.

"That's right you guys can't handle water," Dib blinked.

"They can't?" Finn asked on the communicator.

"No, in fact they can't handle rain at all on my planet," Dib explained. "Without his protective paste to cover him it burns Zim."

"Okay so you've got a bunch of stuff that can hurt us filled with ugly vile disgusting things," Red let out a breath. "On the other hand you don't have any space traveling apparatus so you can't use it to hurt us. Right?"

"Well no…We don't," Dib scratched his head. "Earth isn't that far advanced yet for space travel."

"Okay so we can cross advanced technology off the list," Red said. "What else you got?"

"Well we have forests, mountains, animals…" Dib thought.

"Future parking lots, big rocks and disgusting creatures," Red snorted. "Pass!"

"We have cites and towns…" Dib went on.

"Blah, blah, blah! Been there! Done that," Purple mocked.

"We have gold, jewels, precious rocks…" Dib thought.

"Kid we use gold in our bathrooms! It's so common smeets use it for play money!" Red snapped. "And unless your jewels are the size of a moon I'm gonna assume they're no different than all the other ones we come across. In fact, we have so many jewels we can't give them away!"

"It's true. Who wants that stuff? They tried to give me a bonus in rubies the other day instead of snack food! That's against union rules!" Several Invaders agreed.

"We have precious resources like oil, coal and nuclear power and…" Dib added.

"You use that stuff? Yuck!" Red winced. "Why don't you just use flergle? I mean everybody knows that oil and coal just make nothing but messes and are too expensive to mine. And no species is dumb enough to use splitting atoms as a form of energy!"

"They are," Zim pointed at Dib. "They even use it in their bombs."

"Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? In other words you're telling me this species pollutes it's own planet?" Red was shocked.

"Well uh…yeah," Dib scratched his head. "I know. It's a bad habit. But some of us are trying to work on it."

"So basically you've got nothing," Red folded his arms. "Is that what you're saying? A planet filled with stupid inferior semi evolved primates that pollute their own planet and don't even know what flergle is? Is that what you're telling me?"

"Uh…What's flergle?" Dib blinked.

"I will take that answer as a yes," Red sighed. "Yes we want to take over the entire universe, meaning the entire universe of good stuff. All those other stupid planets that are too far away or don't have anything interesting we want aren't even worth the target practice!"

"You sent Skoodge to the Planet of the Giant Rats," An Invader called out. "That doesn't have anything we want!"

"Only because we didn't like him and we wanted to see him killed off anyway," Red waved.

"Yeah what a loser!" Purple chuckled.

"Oh really? Well that loser saved my life!" Invader Tenn stormed in with Skoodge behind her. "Which is more than you two ever did!"

"Tenn! How did you escape?" Red was stunned. "And how did that moron Skoodge do it?"

"I snuck on board the Resisty ship and rescued Tenn while all of you were watching the movie about Zim's life," Skoodge explained. "It was pretty easy. Everybody was too busy watching the movie and eating popcorn to notice."

"Hey! Who was supposed to be watching the prisoner?" Lard Nar yelled at his people. Aliens started pointing at each other.

"AH HA! ZIM HAS DONE IT!" Zim crowed out. "Zim has thwarted you Dib yet again!"

"Uh didn't he actually rescue your friend?" Dib pointed at Skoodge.

"All part of Zim's plan!" Zim said proudly. "I knew I could distract you Dib!"

Dib looked at the Tallest. "Is he really this crazy or is it just me?"

"Yes, that's why we've been trying to get rid of him for years!" Red snapped.

"And now Dib my vengeance will be complete!" Zim pulled out his blaster. "Say goodbye to everything DIB and hello to oblivion!"

Dib instinctively moved out of the way of the blasts. Zim kept firing. "Hey! Watch where you're shooting that thing!" Red shouted.

"OW! OW! YIKES!" Invaders screamed as they were hit by the laser blasts Dib evaded. "ZIM KNOCK IT OFF! OW!"

"HA!" Dib grabbed a blaster from Invader Ool and started firing back at Zim. Zim instinctively got out of the way but other Invaders didn't. And they got hit by Dib's blasts.

"Hey! He took my blaster!" Ool shouted.

"Why did you just let him take it!" Another Invader yelled.

"I dunno, I didn't think he was gonna grab it," Ool scratched his head.

"Will somebody stop those two from shooting?" Red screamed as he ducked from the laser blasts. "Purple don't you have a blaster?"

"I left it at home! Where's yours?" Purple yelled as he was nearly hit but another Irken was hit instead.

"I don't know! We're the freaking Tallest! We're not supposed to carry blasters! Our minions are!" Red screamed as he ducked. "GET THEM MINIONS!"

"Yeah minions! Somebody get them!" Purple screamed.

Some Irkens did try to shoot them but to their horror Zim and Dib shot them instead. (Of course to be fair they weren't aiming at the Irkens but each other.) Other Irkens had a different strategy.

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" An Irken screamed. Zim shot at a huge statue as he missed Dib. The debris crumbled and squashed the Irken.

"Let's get out of here! They're crazy! Every Invader for herself! Hey that's sexist! Just run you fool!" The Irkens started to flee out of the building.

"Come back here you fools! This is your Tallest speaking! Get them! Don't run away!" Red yelled. He barely missed a laser blast and was nearly hit by some rubble that was falling from the ceiling.

ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!

To the Tallest's horror the support beams of the building were shot at and destroyed. "WE CHANGED OUR MIND!" Purple screamed. "RUN AWAY!"

"RUN FAR AWAY!" Red screamed as the two Tallest actually ran screaming out of the building before it collapsed.

And so began what would be known as the most insane, dangerous and fiercest battle ever recorded on Planet Irk.

The Day of the Dib.