Dib Is A What?
"Welcome back to Mysterious Mysteries!" The Host of the show of that same name called out to the live audience in the giant arena. The crowd cheered and hooted with glee. "So far we've had some fascinating mysteries from our audience today. We've seen a three legged cat, a local Pigfoot sighting and shown the conclusion of the destruction of the giant robot that's been rampaging this city for over a week! Wow! What an amazing ending! I did not see that coming! What other mysteries shall we uncover during this live show?"
CRASH!
"What the devil was that?" The Mysterious Mysteries Host shouted as the ground shook and a horrible crash was heard outside. "Looks like we have another mystery here! Let's go back to the audience and see who has any interesting mysteries…"
"I HAVE SOMETHING!" Dib shouted as he burst through the auditorium door and ran down the stairs.
"Oh no! It's that crazy Dib kid again!" The Mysterious Mysteries Host moaned as he absently rubbed the scar on the side of his face. The scar which was once inflicted by Dib. "Not again…."
"Let him on! Every time that crazy kid and his insane friends go on, our ratings go through the roof!" His producer called out.
"Uh…" The Host was reluctant.
"It's either him or the kid who thinks there's an image of George Burns in a wad of his own snot," The Producer gave him a look.
The Host looked backstage and saw the aforementioned boy with a plate of something very green and very sticky. He shuddered. "All right! Let him in!"
"I've got proof of extra terrestrial life forms!" Dib said excitedly as he ran in.
"Of course you do Dib…"The Host sighed. "Our regular viewers know who Dib is. For those of us who aren't familiar with him…"
"Everybody knows who Dib is!" Sarah, a girl who was a classmate of Dib shouted. "Dib's the local nutcase!"
"I heard he was the nut who caused the robot to go crazy in the first place," Another kid shouted. "Him and his weird friend Zim!"
"Really? Nobody told me that?" The Host shouted. "Why didn't someone say that when we did the Robot segment?"
"We all thought you knew," A man in the audience called out.
"I've got proof of alien life forms!" Dib shouted as he made his way to the stage.
"Oh what the hey, our ratings thrive on crazy…" The Host sighed. "So where's your proof this time Dib?"
"For starters look outside!" Dib pointed. "There's a real spaceship out there!"
"Go to security camera two and put it on screen," The producer ordered. There was a shot of a smoking pile of metal from outside.
"That's just a pile of metal," The Host said.
"Well now! It used to be a spaceship!" Dib shouted. "But Zim shot it down!"
"There he goes again," A kid from Dib's class groaned.
"Crazy!" Another kid moaned.
"No this time I have proof!" Dib said as he held up his recording.
"NO, HE DOESN'T!" Zim ran in wearing his human disguise. "Don't pay attention to that recording! Ignore it! Zim commands you to ignore it!"
"Here comes the other nut," Another girl moaned.
"Now Tracy we don't say nut," Mr. Eliot spoke up. He was in the audience too along with more than half the town. "We say sanity challenged."
"It's too late Zim! Now the whole world will know the truth!" Dib said as he ran to the onstage DVD player. He put it in. "Here's the proof!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Zim yelled. He tripped over the stairs and fell flat on his face.
"Here it is! Aliens from outer space!" Dib cried out.
"Uh, Dib? That's not outer space," The Host said.
"What? Oh no! Don't tell me I forgot to hit the record button!" Dib moaned.
But something was onscreen. It was Professor Membrane in his lab. And he was standing in front of a large tube. And inside the tube was an infant with a very familiar tuft of hair floating in some kind of liquid gel.
"Wait a second…? What is this?" Dib was stunned.
"Success! After several failed tries I have done it!" Membrane shouted with glee. "I have cloned a perfect replica of myself, Professor Membrane. Well almost perfect." He looked at Baby Dib. "The size of the head is a little off. Well way off. Must be because of his big brain! A big brain where he will use for science!"
"What is this…?" Dib couldn't believe what he was watching. "Is that…Is that me?"
"Now to decant my almost perfect clone!" Membrane cackled madly. He pushed several buttons and the tube drained of liquid. Baby Dib went down with the liquid and was pushed out a chute. A small laser came out and zapped the clone in the stomach, creating a small belly button. The baby began to cry loudly.
"Success! I've done it! SCIENCE RULES!" Membrane cackled. He picked up the baby and lifted it over his head. "Behold! The new Prince of Science!"
"What is this…?" Dib was shocked.
"Now you need a name. Membrane Junior? No. Too obvious," Membrane thought as he held the now calm baby. "What shall I call you Experiment D One Beta? Wait a minute…" He wrote D 1 B with his free hand, then changed the 1 to an I. "Dib. Dib. I like it! All right! Dib it is!"
"D One Beta….?" Dib was shocked. So was the audience.
"Oh my god! Dib's a clone!" Sarah shouted. "No wonder he's so crazy!"
"I always knew he wasn't normal but this is ridiculous!" Another kid shouted.
"I can't believe it! Zim was right!" Another kid from Dib's class shouted. "He is that weird!"
"A living copy of another human being?" A man shouted.
"That is so wrong," His identical twin agreed.
"He's an abomination towards nature!" A woman screamed. The audience seemed to agree.
"Clone? No wait! That's impossible!" Dib shouted. "I'm not a clone! This is obviously a fake tape! Fake I tell you!"
"That's exactly what a clone would say!" Someone shouted.
"He's a freak!" Some woman shouted.
"He's an unnatural!" Another man shouted.
"HE'S AN ALIEN!" A kid yelled.
"I AM NOT!" Dib yelled back.
"No wonder he was always yelling alien!" A large kid shouted. "It's just so we wouldn't realize what a freak he really was!"
"You really are a freak Dib!" Sarah yelled.
"Hey isn't it against the law to be a clone or something?" Someone shouted.
"No, wait…" Dib looked around. "This is a mistake…I'm a hero I tell you!"
"Yeah right! Like we'd believe anything a clone would say!" Another kid yelled.
"Another stunning live development here on Mysterious Mysteries!" The Host cried out to his viewers. "We have uncovered a real live human clone! Dib…Well I don't know if he even has a last name but he's a clone so it doesn't matter anyway. Who is he? What is his purpose? Is he a part of some insane clone army? Or is he just an experiment gone terribly wrong!"
"Mr. Eliot you know me! I'm not a clone!" Dib saw a familiar face. "Tell them!"
"Sorry Dib but you're a perversion of science and never should have been born," Mr. Eliot said. "That's just the way it is."
"I'm not a clone! This is obviously a trick the alien…" Dib began.
"Shut up you mistake of science!" A security guard with a gun snapped at him. "You're under arrest for being a clone!"
"Wait a minute? Since when is being a clone illegal?" Dib blinked. "And I'm not saying I am!"
"Get him! Get the stupid freak! Clone! Unnatural mistake!" The crowd shouted. Several security officers loomed forward to grab Dib. Dib looked around terrified and confused.
"KILL THE CLONE! KILL THE CLONE! KILL THE CLONE!" The crowd chanted.
Normally Zim would have enjoyed the mess Dib was in. But something inside him felt that this was wrong. He didn't know if his judgment was tainted by the fact he could feel Dib's emotions or not but what was happening didn't sit right with him.
"WAIT A MINUTE! HOLD EVERYTHING!" Zim stormed out in front of Dib. "Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? This is what you find repulsive? The fact he was born in a proper lab environment using adequate DNA is what makes him a freak? Not his stupidity or his freakish head or his dumb human Dib brain but that? Because he wasn't born the normal disgusting human way, that makes him a freak?"
"Well yeah," Someone spoke.
"I CAN'T BELIEVE THE STUPIDITY OF THIS PLANET!" Zim screamed. "On my world we are all born in a proper state of the art hatchery, and trained from birth to be intelligent and cunning invaders! Not like you inferior humans with your skools and your hospitals and your disgusting baby rooms filled with wrinkly poopy baby meat! UGGH! YOU DISGUST ME!"
"You know this explains soooooooo much!" Zim ranted into the camera. "This explains why Dib was the only one intelligent enough to see through my disguise! The only one who was able to withstand my plans of conquering your worthless mud ball of a planet! You should be on your knees thanking him for he alone can withstand the wrath of the mighty INVADER ZIM!"
With that Zim tore off his human disguise to show the world his complete alien glory. "It's a real alien!" Someone screamed.
"See! SEE! I WAS RIGHT!" Dib pointed to Zim. "I HAVE PROVED TO THE WORLD THAT ALIENS EXIST!"
"No, you didn't," Some kid spoke up. "He admitted it! Doesn't count!"
"WOULD IT KILL YOU PEOPLE TO GIVE ME THIS?" Dib yelled. "COME ON!"
"Yeah! Come on!" Zim shouted. "So what if he was grown in a lab? That made him superior enough to destroy half of my planet! It's because of him and his superior fighting abilities the Irken Armada is on their way to Earth right now to blow it up into oblivion!"
There was silence for a moment. "Are you saying that Earth is going to be invaded and it's his fault?" Someone shouted pointing at Dib.
"Not all of it," Zim fidgeted, realizing that what he did may not have been the smartest thing in the world to do. "Obviously if I hadn't discovered this planet they'd never have shown up."
"Zim do us both a favor and stop talking!" Dib gulped as several large men with very big guns came into view.
"KILL THE ALIEN AND THE CLONE! KILL THE ALIEN AND THE CLONE!" The crowd chanted.
"Uh this is Zim! Your Irken invader saying War In!" Zim was starting to panic.
"Peace out!" Dib snapped.
"That too!" Without thinking Zim grabbed Dib and used his PAK legs to climb the ceiling.
"GET THEM! SHOOT THEM!" One of the security guards ordered. Zim barely managed to evade the bullets. Desperately he dove into the crowd which screamed and scattered on contact.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
"Stop it you idiots! Don't shoot the audience!" A producer yelled.
"I've been hit!" Someone shouted.
"Oh crap! Oh wait it's just a writer," The producer moaned. "Dodged a bullet there."
"WELL I DIDN'T!" The writer screamed.
"Zim what are you doing?" Dib yelled as Zim ran through the building and out into the street.
"What? You wanted to get blasted?" Zim snapped.
"No! But…" Dib began.
"It's the clone and the alien!" A woman screamed.
"GET THEM!" Someone else shouted.
"Huh? How could they…?" Dib was stunned. Then he looked up and saw a giant blimp with a televised picture of him and Zim. Not to mention a huge TV screen that had shown everything. "Oh come on!"
"Oh I knew I shouldn't have sent Gir home with my ship!" Zim snarled as the crowd on the street started to scream and in some cases throw rocks and cans at them.
"Well why did you?" Dib asked.
"He really wanted to go home and watch TV," Zim shrugged. "Sometimes it's just easier to let him do what he wants."
"GET THE FREAKS!" Some woman screamed, then she started foaming at the mouth. "AAAAHHH!"
"RUN FOR IT!" Zim screamed as he ran with his PAK legs. Dib held on for dear life. "Dib Stink! I meant for you to run too!"
"As much as I hate to admit it, those metal spider legs of yours are faster right now," Dib told him.
Zim tripped over a stray tin can and both tumbled over each other. "Ow…" Zim muttered.
"Maybe not as coordinated..." Dib grumbled as he lay on the ground.
"Get them! Maybe there's a reward? Get them!" A large angry mob ran up to them. "KILL THE ALIEN AND THE CLONE!"
"MOVE IT!" Dib yelled as he and Zim got up and ran as fast as they could on their feet. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
"I am having such a bad week it isn't funny!" Zim yelled.
A fat policeman got out of his police car and blocked their way. "All right now, why don't you two boys just simmer down and…"
Zim pulled out his blaster. "Why don't you just shut up fat human slug and give us the keys to your Earth Vehicle? GIVE US THE KEYS!" He blasted a nearby trash can, turning it to molten slag.
"Please don't shoot me!" The cop cowered. "I only got this job because my brother in law is the captain!"
"Zim does not want to hear your life story! KEYS! NOW!" Zim snapped.
The cop threw Dib the keys. "Thank you," Dib said quickly as they got in the car. Zim took the keys and drove off.
"MOMMY!" The cop cried and ran off.
"Did we just carjack a police car?" Dib was stunned.
"Looks like…" Zim snapped. "You could help out and use the pedals since my feet don't reach them!"
"Normally I wouldn't unbuckle my seat belt but I think in this case I'd better!" Dib unbuckled his seat belt and went under to push the pedals.
"HIT THE GAS! HIT THE GAS!" Zim yelled as he dodged gunfire. He pulled out his laser and started to fire back. "I hate rush hour!"
"Hold on! If you can't reach the pedals how could you…?" Dib began. Zim waved one of his Pak legs in his face. "Oh right."
"Don't worry Dib Smell! Zim has an uncanny sense of direction! Whoops! One way! Hang on!" He did a donut and nearly crashed into another car before tearing down the road.
"Zim do you have any idea where you are going or how to drive a police car?" Dib yelled.
"No!" Zim said before he shot up another police car chasing them.
"Just checking!" Dib groaned as he pushed the pedals.
CRASH! SMASH! SHATTER!"
"Do I want to know what that was?" Dib yelled.
"Nah it would just worry you," Zim said. "I'm sure they were insured anyway."
RRROOOMM! RUMMBLE! BUMP!
"Whoa! Did we just run over a dog?" Dib yelled as he heard a squeal of pain.
"Uh yeah…Dog. Right," Zim whistled. "Keep pedaling!"
Dib did a double take. "We didn't hit a dog did we?"
"No, keep driving."
WHAM!
"YEOWWWWWW!"
"I know that wasn't a dog!" Dib yelled.
"Dog, pedestrian…It's all road kill to me!" Zim snapped. "MORE GAS DIB!"
"Why do I have the feeling that I'm going to Hell?" Dib sighed. "Oh wait, I'm already there!"
VROOOOOOOOOOM!
CRASH!
"OUT OF MY WAY HUMAN ROAD PIGS!" Zim yelled as he pulled out his blaster and shot randomly.
ZAPPP!
SPLAT!
"What was that?" Dib yelled.
"Nothing. Just some blood and guts on our windshield. No problem," Zim said. "Nothing the wipers can't fix."
"Oh great..." Dib moaned.
"On the up side I think I've just discovered the cure for traffic jams," Zim said brightly. "HEY MOVE OUT OF THE WAY!"
VRRRROOOOOOOOOOOM!
CRASH! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
"You know they really should have a law saying how many food vendors should be on a sidewalk!" Zim grumbled as he dodged several stray hot dogs. "Hang on! I'm gonna take a short cut!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! RUN! SOMEONE SAVE THE CHILDREN!"
"Zim we're not taking a shortcut through a park are we?" Dib winced at the sounds of screaming.
"No, an elementary skool playground," Zim said.
VROOOOOM!
"HELP ME MOMMY!"
"Okay now we're going through a park," Zim explained.
WHAM!
"WHINE!"
"That time we hit a dog!" Zim explained. "But I think we got the person holding the leash too."
"Zim don't tell me what's going on anymore," Dib groaned. "I don't think I want to know!"
"Uh you may have to," Zim said. "Give it all the gas you can and hang onto me!"
"This is going to be painful isn't it?" Dib moaned as he did as he was told.
"Hopefully, not so much!" Zim said as he grabbed Dib and using his PAK legs, leapt out the window of the car. The police car crashed in a firey explosion in front of the police barricade while Zim and Dib landed in some bushes nearby.
Zim dropped Dib. "Come on! The smoke from the explosion should give us some cover!" Zim ordered. And it did as they ran around the corner.
Right back in front of an angry mob. "GET THEM!" The mob screamed. The two fugitives ran as fast as they could. They ran down several streets and back allies. They finally took refuge underneath a deck in an alley.
"This is definitely not one of my better weeks," Zim grumbled. "Where is Gir?"
"This is all your fault Zim!" Dib grabbed him by the front of his uniform. "You planted that recording in order for people to turn against me!"
"You are a dummy, dumb, dumb brain!" Zim shouted. "If I planted that recording to destroy you, why would I go to the trouble of saving you?"
Dib stopped and blinked. "You have a good point."
"Duh!" Zim grumbled as Dib let him go.
"Hey wait a minute…" Dib blinked. "If you were trying to still conquer Earth, why would you reveal your identity and tell everyone that the Irken Armada is coming?"
"Stupid Dib! That's because…Because…" Zim blinked. "Wow. I'm not even sure why I did that to be honest with you."
"HUNT THEM DOWN! GET THE FREAKS! KILL THE CLONE! KILL THE ALIEN!" They heard the mob shouting.
"Look that's not important right now! We have to get out of here! Or else we'll both be torn to pieces," Zim shouted.
"I know where to go!" Dib had a plan. "Come on!" He went down the alley with Zim behind him.
"It's a dead end Dib Dummy!" Zim fumed when he saw a wall.
"No it isn't," Dib managed to open a manhole in the alley. "Come on! We'll go this way!"
"You expect Zim to go down there into your Earth city sewers?" Zim winced in horror. "Where there is human stink water and waste and rats and…Dookie?"
"You know another way to get around this city without people spotting us?" Dib gave him a look. "Because if you have a cloaking device or something I'm open to that suggestion!"
"Well not on me. A cloaking device would come in handy wouldn't it?," Zim admitted. The sound of the mob coming closer made up his mind. "Fine! Just don't get any stink water on me!"
"Don't fall into the canal and we won't have that problem!" Dib snapped as he shoved Zim in first then went after. He pulled the manhole over them just before the mob entered the alley.
Zim and Dib could hear the frustrated sounds of the mob above them as they tiptoed through the sewers. "Where did they go? I thought they went this way? Well obviously you were wrong, Herb! Maybe they teleported away or something! Those things are still loose! My children! Who will protect my children? We need to get more guns!"
"The one time I'm glad that most people aren't very observant," Dib grumbled to himself when they got a distance away.
"And the irony is that now that they believe you they want to destroy you," Zim said in a smart alecky reply.
"They want to destroy you too!" Dib snapped. "This is just a misunderstanding!"
"Notice how you humans always have a lot of 'misunderstandings' and that makes you act all stupid and violent?" Zim remarked.
"Shut up!" Dib gritted his teeth. "Besides you're one to talk. You aliens are just as stupid and violent as humans are."
"Hey! We are not as stupid as you humans are!" Zim snapped. "Give us some credit!"
"HA!" Dib snorted.
"And we don't display our defectives and outcasts in front of everyone, parading them around for the amusement of the masses!" Zim went on. "We humanely euthanize them in the privacy of a nice clean lab."
"Or send them to Earth to try to take over the planet on a fake mission," Dib remarked.
"Or send them to Earth to…" Zim stopped. "Hey! Was that a shot at me?"
"Yes!" Dib growled. "Now shut up and follow me."
"Shut up and follow me! I don't know why I helped you!" Zim grumbled as he followed him. "Should have let you be torn apart by those stupid slug brained morons then let the Invasion happen!"
"Yes let the guys who used you and tried to get rid of you take your glory," Dib mocked.
"Yeah you're right. Gotta get back at the Tallest…" Zim took it a different way. "Which reminds me. Gir!" He turned on his own personal communicator he made to communicate with Gir. "Gir! Are you there?"
"Hey Master! You're on TV!" Gir said cheerfully.
"Gir, we may need a pickup," Zim grumbled. "Wait for my signal and…"
"Okay Master! I'll be right there! Oh wait, the Scary Monkey Show is on! Bye!" Gir said before he hung up.
"Gir! Gir! AAGGGGGHHH!" Zim growled. "You know I am starting to suspect that Gir isn't a real SIR unit after all?"
"Zim the Tallest admitted to you they made him from garbage several times!" Dib snapped. "Weren't you paying attention?"
"Of course Zim was paying attention! Zim paid attention when I learned my whole mission was a lie and the Tallest threw me aside like the remains of a three day old salad!" Zim snapped. "So now that the Tallest actually want to invade Earth Zim will have to stop their invasion so I can have my revenge!"
"You know you keep mixing up your tenses right?" Dib stopped and looked at him. "You talk about yourself in the third person then you use your first person pronouns!"
"That's acceptable in Irken language and I carry it over to stupid English!" Zim snapped. "It's not Zim's…It's not my fault that your human dialect has a ton of stupid rules and stupid counter rules! Mixing up tenses is very common!"
"It's not that common you Ikttkehick!" Dib screamed. Then he stopped. "How did I know how to speak Irken? Is that part of the brainwashing process!"
"If I say yes, will that make you move? Because really Dib I'm not in the mood to mess with you today!" Zim snapped. "In case you haven't noticed I'm kind of having a personal crisis of my own! A crisis by the way you are partially responsible for!"
"Hey! I only trashed your planet because you were going to trash mine first!" Dib snapped. "For a mission that wasn't even real! So technically the Tallest are to blame. Then again your people kind of had that coming anyway!"
"What do you mean?"
"Oh come on Zim! You go around from planet to planet invading places and enslaving people and taking their natural resources! That's not very nice!"
"Oh look who is playing the 'Your Species Doesn't Act Very Nice Card'!" Zim threw up his hands as they walked further down. "I've studied the history of this stupid planet. You wanna talk about taking stuff that isn't yours and enslaving other races? Isn't that how this particular country was built?"
"Hey we don't do that stuff anymore!" Dib snapped.
"Yeah right!" Zim snorted. "You use money and menial jobs instead of chains for your slavery now! And you want to talk about killing and wiping out other species? You humans are experts at it! Every time I turn on the television somebody is killing somebody else over something stupid! You know Irkens may be Invaders but at least we're honest about it! We don't pretend that it's part of some ridiculous divine plan! We take things because we want it! Pure and simple!"
"Yeah you want other people's stuff!" Dib snapped. "And you make them slaves!"
"Some species deserve it!" Zim snapped. "I mean look around you! These are the people you want to save?"
"Zim…"
"Seriously! Give some thought to this!" Zim went on. "You fight for Earth to protect it but who is fighting to protect you? Nobody! They all abandoned you and called you crazy!"
"Not everybody! My Dad will save us!"
"Used to think the same thing about the Tallest but boy was that a mistake!" Zim snarled.
"This is different! I'm actually related to my Dad!" Dib snapped.
"Hello! All Irkens are related to each other! We're all one huge hive family!" Zim snapped. "And…I just thought of this…And your Father is taller than you!"
"That's because I'm a kid! I'm supposed to be shorter than him until I grow up!"
"And all other Irkens are supposed to be shorter than the Tallest! So now who has a Tallest complex?" Zim sneered. "Seriously Dib, tell me now which one of us has the complex!"
"This isn't the time to argue about that Zim!"
"Why because I'm winning the argument?"
"No, because we're here," Dib pointed to a sealed entrance.
"Oh," Zim said as they made their way through the entrance. They were in a darkened laboratory. "Where are we?"
"It's the lab my Dad uses for his show! He'll tell everyone I'm not a clone and everything will go back to normal!" Dib said.
"You're gonna run to your dad and hope he'll get us out of trouble?" Zim asked. "Well it's worth a try!"
They didn't get far into the lab when the lights turned on. "Membrane you are in big trouble!" One of several military leaders snapped as they walked into the room with the scientist.
"Sir, please! If you give me a chance to find the boy…" Membrane began.
"Dad…" Dib asked. Everyone looked at the two fugitives. "Hi…"
"Membrane, your idiot son and that stupid alien is here!" A General with a big white mustache snapped.
"Yes I know," Membrane sighed. "I told you the boy would come here General Guffaw."
"I'm the one who told you!" Gaz emerged from the shadows. "You never listen to me Dad!"
"Gaz?" Dib blinked as he saw his sister.
"Boy are you in trouble," Gaz shook her head.
"Dad! Dad! For some strange reason people think that I'm a clone but that's not important right now!" Dib babbled as he ran to his father. "I know you think I'm crazy but aliens exist and they're on their way to conquer the planet! Now I know you don't believe me…"
"I'm afraid I do believe you, Dib," Membrane looked rather sad. "Now anyway…"
"A little late for that! You have a lot of explaining to do Membrane," General Guffaw growled. "I thought we told you that making clones were forbidden!"
"Especially after that winged rat fiasco," Another general said.
"But I had permission!" Membrane told them.
"From who?" The fist general snapped.
Several shadowy figures appeared. "From us…" Miss Bitters emerged with several other wrinkly elderly looking people. Miss Bitter's legs transformed into a snakelike black tail.
"Miss Bitters? Hey…Since when do you have a tail?" Dib did a double take.
"Hold it! You're aliens too! I know your species!" Zim was shocked. "You're Borgias! But the Irkens wiped out your species centuries ago!"
"No they didn't," Miss Bitters snarled. "Not for lack of trying!"
"Miss Bitters? You're an alien too?" Dib's jaw dropped. "Just how many aliens are on this planet? Do the Swollen Eyeballs know? Someone has to tell them!"
"Kid we made up the Swollen Eyeballs to keep stupid idiots like you from discovering the truth," General Guffaw snorted. "We send our most stupid and gullible agents into that organization in order to get them out of our way. We also sent some competent ones to keep them in line and make sure nobody knew about the aliens running the planet!"
"You're telling me the Swollen Eyeballs, a society dedicated to uncovering conspiracies and the paranormal is really a conspiracy in itself run by aliens?" Dib blinked. "Wow. That explains Agent Bill."
"I purposely asked them to ignore your little mad ramblings and keep an eye on you," Membrane sighed. "But they didn't tell me that you were actually consorting with a real alien!"
"He's been in your house over a hundred times!" Bitters snapped. "You really didn't notice oh great and powerful scientist?"
"Well I've been busy doing my experiments for you and the rest of the Borigias!" Membrane snapped. "And mankind too."
"You knew and didn't tell us there was another alien species on this planet?" Another general asked Bitters.
"We thought Membrane told you all about that!" An older Borgia yelled.
"No, he didn't," General Guffaw snarled.
"I didn't know!" Membrane shouted. "Boy I'm really behind in reviewing my security camera recordings!"
"Recordings? You were there in your own house and you didn't notice you had an alien in there!" Bitters shouted. "You had several conversations with him for crying out loud!"
"I didn't see through his disguise!" Membrane explained.
"The green skin and no nose should have tipped you off!" General Guffaw snapped. "I mean I know we give the majority of the population drugs in the fast food and water to keep them docile but you're not supposed to take them!"
"Wait…Hold on…What's going on here?" Dib looked back and forth. "Dad?"
A thought came to Zim. "You are working with them aren't you?" Zim shouted and pointed to the Borgias. "You are a collaborator! Now why didn't I get one of those?"
"No! My Dad would never collaborate with filthy evil alien scum!" Dib shouted. "Tell him Dad! Go on! Tell him! Go on! Go ahead. He's standing right there. Just tell him. Dad? Tell him that you would never collaborate with aliens. Anytime you're ready. Come on! Say something! Anything. Dad?"
"Uh yeah this is a bit embarrassing," Membrane scratched his head. "But it's not like I'm the only one who's doing it."
"What?" Dib blinked.
"It's kind of a long story," Membrane sighed. "It all started about twenty years ago. I'll show you all in my memory enhancing machine!" He got in a device with a seat and some kind of plunger like top that came down on his head.
Images came up on a television screen. It was a much younger Membrane, with a full head of hair as well as his trademark scythe like spike working in a small modest lab. "You see son, a long time ago I too dabbled in the paranormal," Membrane admitted. "Just as a hobby really. Mostly to look for aliens!"
"You did?" Dib was stunned. "You never told me that!"
"He's telling you now," Zim rolled his eyes.
"It was a humble existence, but I was often the source of scorn and mockery of my peers," Membrane explained as his younger self was laughed at by geeky looking scientists. "My secret dream was to have my own television show where I could promote science and show the world that aliens existed!"
"Then one fateful night I figured out a way to transmit special signals in space! I put out a call for any alien race to come to Earth in order to exchange knowledge and promote peace!" Younger Membrane was on a hill somewhere in the woods with a scientific device under the stars.
"And then the aliens came!" Membrane explained. A scene of a huge spaceship landing before him was shown. Several aliens emerged, one of them looking a lot like Miss Bitters.
"I had made first contact! I wanted to show the world! But the aliens convinced me that perhaps most people weren't ready to meet real aliens! So I introduced them to my friends in the government. And the Pentagon!"
There was a shot of Membrane waiting while something violent was happening behind closed doors. "Apparently the Pentagon was a bit miffed that the government had cut their budget. But the aliens decided to convince the government to give them more money." An image of a severed government official head rolling on the floor was shown.
More images were shown and Membrane described them. "Basically the Borgia gave me a deal, in exchange for my silence about aliens living on this planet they would not only allow me to continue my scientific theories with a lot of money and a huge new lab, they would give me a TV show and make me famous! I agreed! And soon I had enough money to work on and pattern my very first invention: The automatic diaper changer! Every parent and orphanage on the planet wanted one! And soon that led to other inventions! Like the cure for Eczema and plutonium powered toasters! Then came Super Toast! Soon I even had my own television show promoting science!"
"And the best part was that the Borgia helped our military become the ruling power behind the regular government," General Guffaw explained .
"I had everything! Money, fame, power, scientific advancements…" Membrane sighed. "And the love of one of my lab assistants. Who I uh…" An image of an angry pregnant woman with hair the same color as Gaz's was shown beating up Membrane. "Well let's just say it didn't work out the way I thought it would."
"In case you hadn't figured it out, that's my mom," Gaz sighed.
"Yes apparently she didn't really approve of some of my work. Like growing my own clone to be my son," Membrane winced at the memory. "And forgetting to show up at our wedding ceremony four or five times."
"Which is probably why she ran off with a magician not long after she gave birth to me," Gaz grumbled.
"Anyway to make a long story short…" Membrane began.
"Too late," Zim grumbled.
"I created you in my lab Dib so I'd have two perfect children and a son to carry on my legacy in science!" Membrane explained.
"So I am an experiment?" Dib was shocked. "And my name was originally…Experiment D One Beta?"
"Hey! That's not so bad! At least you weren't named after a lab rat," Bitters chuckled as she pointed to Gaz.
"What?" Dib looked at Gaz. She looked like she was going to kill someone.
"Gaz was my favorite lab rat!" Membrane protested. "She had the most beautiful eyes and the softest fur!"
"Dad…Stop talking!" Gaz snarled.
"Okay let me just get a handle on this here," Dib looked around. "I'm a clone of you? I'm…Your clone?"
"Yes, Son," Membrane sighed. "You remember when you were younger I showed you how cloning was done in my lab?"
"You mean I'm like Mister Monkey Numbers Two through Seven?" Dib's eyes widened and started to water.
"Yes, Son," Membrane nodded. "Just like the Mister Monkeys. Only you weren't cloned from a monkey but from me!"
"Which also explains why you're dumber than a monkey," Gaz folded her arms.
"That does explain that doesn't it?" Zim thought.
"And you work for an alien race that rules the Earth in secret?" Dib was horrified.
"That's pretty much it in a nutshell, Dib," Membrane nodded.
Dib looked around. "And you all just let these aliens take over the Earth…? You sold out our planet all for money?"
"Hey we didn't sell out the Earth for money," One general said. "We sold out for a ton of free stuff and a whole lot of money!"
"And to make sure our great country stayed in power over all others!" General Guffaw snorted.
"And Miss Bitters you're part of the aliens in charge? But you said you were once and astronaut and a fairy princess and…" Dib blinked.
"I lied kid," Bitters folded her arms. "Deal with it. Well technically the astronaut one wasn't a complete lie because I did travel in outer space but…"
"So that story that's been going around about the skool being built around you?" Dib asked.
"A total myth I encouraged to frighten you children," Bitters sneered.
"It worked," Dib blinked.
"Hold on you said something about drugging people to make them complacent?" Zim waved.
"With all the additives you can put into food and water it was easy to slip in some drugs to make the majority of the population nice and stupid," Bitters sneered. "My mission was to make sure the brighter students stayed stupid at the skool."
"Is that why nobody but me and Gaz could figure out Zim was an alien?" Dib asked. "But wait a minute…If those drugs to make us stupid are in the food and water, Why didn't they work on either me or Gaz?"
"Oh that. I gave you and your sister the same formula that protects you from the negative effects of the drugs when you were infants," Membrane waved. "I gave you a series of shots so you're now immune to that particular drug combination. I wanted to keep your minds clear for science!"
"We only let you grow the clone and keep it as part of your payment for helping us with our scientific advances!" The Borgia named Sneer snapped.
"And I guess my superior Invader constitution was naturally superior to these drugs," Zim preened.
"No! It's because you were already stupid!" Bitters snapped. "Why do you think we didn't bother capturing you when we found out you arrived?"
"When was this?" Zim was stunned.
"When you walked into my classroom with green skin and no nose asking questions about the Earth's defense system!" Bitters snapped. "I could see that you were an Irken a mile away! Even out here in the boondocks of space we heard rumors about an incredibly stupid, incredibly defective Irken! It wasn't exactly hard to deduct that was you! The only reason I didn't turn you in to the Dissection Squad right there and then was to keep Dib occupied and keep him from discovering I was an alien!"
"It worked," Dib blinked. "Boy you guys really thought of everything."
"Not everything. You two idiots have really done it this time," Bitters sneered. "Because of the two of you the Irken Armada is coming! We're going to get our revenge ahead of schedule!"
"Take them away," Sneer ordered several soldiers. "And do something very violent and painful to them."
"Wait! What are you going to do to my boy?" Membrane asked.
"What do you think? He's obviously defective," Bitters snarled. "He'll have to be terminated along with his little green friend and have his DNA blended up into tiny bits. Maybe put in a new kind of hair styling gel?"
"Take them to the lab! Uh…Another lab," General Guffaw looked around. "Lab 5! Take them to Lab 5!"
"Okay coming here was a mistake," Zim snarled. "Brilliant move Dib Monkey!"
"No! Dad we can fight them!" Dib looked around at the advancing soldiers. "Dad! Go on! Do something! Dad! Dad? I don't want to be a hair styling gel! Dad!"
To his horror Membrane looked away. "Well, perhaps it's for the best," He said in a defeated tone.
"Dad…?" Dib's eyes widened in horror.
"Why couldn't you be normal?" Membrane sighed once more. "I'm sorry Dib but you're just…You're just too insane."
"No! Dad! Help me! Gaz!" Dib looked at his sister. She had no expression but the scowl on her face but then again she rarely ever did. "Dad! Please! I'm your son! Don't leave me! Gaz help me! I'm your brother! Dad…"
"WHAHOOOOOOOOOO! I'M FLYING!" Gir was heard.
"What the…?" Sneer looked behind him.
"WHOO HOOO!" Gir burst through the lab doors riding Minimoose at a high speed. "RIDE 'EM COWBOY!"
"What the…?" Membrane gasped. "A flying moose?"
"Git along little doggy!" Gir whooped for joy as he grabbed onto Zim and Dib, then took them for a flight around the lab, partially trashing it with Minimoose's bad flying.
"You're not getting out of here you little…" Two Borgia snarled as they stood in front of Minimoose's way. Zim pulled out his blaster and shot them dead. Minimoose crashed through the wall and flew off.
"Gir where the flork have you been?" Zim shouted as they flew off on Minimoose. "GIR! MAKE A LEFT! A LEFT!"
CRASH!
"THE OTHER LEFT GIR!" Zim yelled.
"They're getting away!" General Guffaw shouted as the miscreants escaped the building.
"Great! Now Fang and Hiss are dead too!" Sneer yelled as he looked at the bodies of their comrades.
"So what? You never liked them," Bitters said.
"No, but they owed me money," Sneer grumbled. "Guffaw! You better get those little freaks before they cause even more damage!"
"Don't worry. We're gonna blow up those defects into tiny pieces!" General Guffaw snarled as he and the others stormed out. They left Membrane and Gaz alone.
"Oh my poor insane son. What a horrible fate! I suppose though it's for the best," Membrane sighed. "Oh well Gaz. I guess that means more presents for you this Christmas. Maybe I can make you a new brother one of these days? Yes, a better brother. One that's interested in science!" He walked away mumbling about all the improvements he was going to make in the next clone.
Gaz stood there alone. "I don't want a new better brother," She said quietly. "I want the stupid old one."