Moppiness of Space

"MOVE IT GIR! THE MOB IS COMING!" Zim screamed as he worked the controls to his ship, converting his house back into an invader spacecraft. They had barely escaped the authorities by a whisker and now were preparing to go into space. "Set the gnomes to ultra attack mode! That shoud buy us a few minutes!"

BOOM! BOOM!

"Hey they're shooting at our house!" Gir said.

"They're shooting at me!" The Computer shouted. "How rude!"

"They'll do more than that if you don't hurry up and help me change the house back into a ship! Come on!" Zim yelled.

"Technically the house and ship are already separate! We could just leave the house," The Computer said.

"Invaders do not leave their technology in the hands of the enemy!" Zim shouted.

"Fine! Be picky!" The Computer grumbled as it dismantled the house within seconds, leaving only the ship and a few gnomes. "There! It's done!"

Zim snapped. "YES! BLAST OFF TIME!"

"Sir! We're under attack by gnomes! And some kind of blowfish thing!" A police officer told his mustached captain. He was hit from behind by pins shot out from one of Zim's blowfish decorations. "AAAAAHH!"

"SHOOT THEM! BLOW THEM UP UNTIL...WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH?" The police captain gasped at the sight before him.

VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Police and army were stunned as the house changed into a spaceship and flew away. "Bye, bye stupid humans!" Zim cackled. Then he saw something. "Uh oh…"

"DUCK! DUCK! GOOSE!" Gir shrieked.

"WAKK! WAKKK!"

"STUPID BIRDS!" Zim yelled. "That was close. YIKES!"

BOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Watch out! Watch out for the fighter planes and their missiles! YIKES!" Zim shouted.

BOOOOOOM!

"We're hit! We're hit! I think we're okay! Maybe. I don't know! Got to get out of Earth's orbit!" Zim gritted his teeth. "AAAAHHH!"

"AAAHHHHH!" Gir ran around.

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Minimoose floated around.

"Gir will you put that stupid moose in his cage or something? He doesn't have a cage? Well then tie him to the ceiling!" Zim yelled. "Dib make yourself useful and do something! Anything! Dib Monkey!"

Dib didn't hear him. He didn't seem to hear anything. He just sat by the window and stared outside. Eventually they were out in space and the Earth grew smaller and smaller until it was a tiny pinpoint. Then the ship stopped but he didn't do anything. He seemed to be in shock.

"Helloooooooooooo! Dib Stink!" Zim waved his hand in front of his face. "Zim is talking here! Pay attention!"

"Huh?" Dib looked at him. He didn't seem to be paying attention.

"Dib our power core was damaged in our escape! We are without power. Life support is fine but other than that we're helpless!" Zim said. "Our ship can't move and it's drifting aimlessly. And Gir dismantled the lasers for some reason!"

"Had to make room for pie!" Gir chirped happily as he stood next to Zim.

"He had to make room for pie," Zim said sarcastically. "We are going to float in space aimlessly and get blown up by the first rogue ship that comes along, but that doesn't matter because we have pie!"

"That's right!" Gir said happily.

"We are all going to die," Zim slapped his hand to his face.

"Oh is that all?" Dib sighed as he lay on the floor on his back. "Who cares?"

"Our imminent death is not a problem to you?" Zim snapped.

"Zim there's no point to anything! My whole life is one stupid cosmic joke! I've spent the past year and a half trying to protect the human race from an alien invasion but the Earth is already conquered by aliens! And my mission to protect humanity is an even bigger joke because it turns out I'm not considered a part of it!" Dib snapped. "I never had a mother! My father is really my donor! I was born in a freaking lab like some mold!"

Zim decided to skip the obvious insults for now. "And that's a bad thing why?"

"It's a human thing Zim," Dib said. "You wouldn't get it."

"What I don't get is why you have decided to give up because of something so stupid and trivial as being born from a test tube!" Zim was furious. "At least you were born the right way instead of the disgusting human way! Why we Irkens haven't had a so called natural birth in over seven hundred thousand centuries! And we like it that way!"

"Well maybe that's acceptable on your planet Zim but not on Earth!" Dib shouted. "It's so ironic. All my life I've been trying to track down the paranormal and the weird…and it turns out I'm the very subject of my own search! It's funny! Ha! HA! HA!"

The way Dib laughed didn't convince Zim that Dib was all right. "Okay you are not handling this well…"

"Zim, I lost my human identity, my father, my sister and my planet in one hour! How am I supposed to be handling this?" Dib yelled. "Maybe I should sing a song? I'm a complete failure! Life is not worth living! La la la!"

"Okay normally I would be enjoying this but quite frankly right now this is disturbing me," Zim groaned. "And it takes a lot to disturb Zim!"

"Dib is a clone! Dib is all alone! La la la la la!" Dib kept singing in a very disturbed voice.

"Seriously…You're starting to creep me out," Zim folded his arms and shuddered.

"He's wigging out!" Gir said. "I'd better go protect the nachos." He walked away. But because the spacecraft was rather small he walked right into a wall. "Who put that wall there?"

"Nothing really matters! Anyone can see…" Dib was half hysterical now. "Nothing really matters to meeeeeeeeee!"

"Dib your cracking up is really inconvenient right now!" Zim shouted. "I need you to help me think up a way to fix the ship! Come on! Snap out of it!"

"Why didn't my father…? Why didn't Membrane help me?" Dib was starting to cry. "Maybe he's right? I am defective! I mean that explains a lot! Why my head is so big for one thing."

"You know that does explain why your head is so large," Zim blinked. "You would think a genius scientist wouldn't make a mistake like that. Go figure."

"He must have screwed up the formula and that's why I'm so defective," Dib sniffed. "I am just a big headed defective freak!"

"All right that is it!" Zim grabbed Dib by the collar. "Now you listen to me Dib Stink Brain! You are not defective because of the way you were born! I mean you've thwarted all my efforts to rule the Earth and blew up half of my planet! That is not within the capabilities of someone who is defective! Look at me! I've blown up half of my planet twice! I've caused destruction unparalleled to anything in the history of Irk! I was so dangerous that the Tallest gave me a fake mission…"

Zim blinked. "So technically I never had a mission to take over your planet and so all my work was for nothing so it didn't matter if I ever conquered your world or not…Because I wasn't a real invader. And they called me a defect just because I blew a lot of stuff up and killed a few hundred Irkens accidentally…And the Tallest tried to get me killed a lot of times…Gave me fake robot with the intelligence of a burnt sponge…You know I'm starting to get the impression that the Tallest never liked me very much."

Then it hit Zim. "Oh snickles…What if I am defective? That would explain a lot." He let go of Dib and then fell to the floor next to him on his back. "I mean instead of being an invader I'm an outcast stuck with a human in a space ship that has no power and no food and will probably fall into a sun or something…"

"Way to give me a pep talk Zim," Dib grumbled.

"They tried to kill me! Why would they do that to Zim? All I have ever done is try to please them!" Zim was starting to get hysterical himself. "WHY? WHY? WHY?"

"Zim if you are done having your nervous breakdown, can we get back to mine?" Dib snapped. "Oh forget it! Okay that's it! I give up! I'm ready now!"

"Ready for what?" Zim asked.

"Your mind control discombobulation whatever it is!" Dib closed his eyes and braced himself. "Go on! Do it! Get it over with! Turn my brains into mush! I don't need them anymore anyway! Just put me out of my misery and let me sink into brainless oblivion!"

"Oh right…" Zim remembered. "About that…Heh, you are going to laugh at this. I lied. There is no brain control thingy. Just uh, forget about all that."

"What do you mean forget about it?" Dib gave him a look. "You've been freaking me out with that stupid thing for a week and now you tell me to forget about it?"

"It was all a lie, so…" Zim said.

"Now you listen to me Zim!" Dib reached over and grabbed Zim by the collar. "You've been promising me that my brains would become cottage cheese and I expect you to deliver on it! I want you to turn me into a zombie slave right now! I command you!"

"You can't command me to turn you into a zombie slave!" Zim shouted.

"Oh yes I can!" Dib shouted. "Do it!"

"I can't! There never was any mind control whatever I called it! I only said that because I could not tell you the truth which is a thousand times worse!" Zim snapped.

"Worse? What could be worse than having your brain turned into cottage cheese and becoming a zombie slave to an alien invader?" Dib yelled.

"You really wish to know? Because once I tell you the horrible truth I can not un-tell you!" Zim said.

"Oh go ahead! You can't make this day any more suckier than it already is!" Dib yelled. "Go ahead! I dare you!"

"Oh you dare me?"

"Yes I dare you!"

"You dare to dare Zim?"

"I dare to dare to dare you alien!"

"Oh you dare me to dare you to dare me, clone?"

"Don't use the C-Word and tell me already!" Dib yelled.

"All right. I will," Zim took a deep breath. "Remember when you stole my PAK? And it attached itself to your germy wormy human body?"

"Vividly."

"Well during that transition my superior Irken DNA got mixed in with your second hand human DNA in your body and vice versa," Zim remarked. "That DNA mingled and integrated with both our systems to the point where we are now almost completely bonded."

"Bonded? What do you mean bonded?" Dib looked at him.

"Our bodies are almost in synch and are at a point where there's a physical and mental symbiotic coexistence," Zim explained. "You and I are linked permanently in a bond from which we can never break."

"And by bond you mean…?" Dib winced.

"It's not a mating thing," Zim rolled his eyes. "I believe the term 'blood brothers' is more apt. On Irk when two Invaders have similar minds and combine their DNA through the exchange of either blood or a clear fluid created on their antennae. It creates a bonding for companionship in battle and conquest. We call it War Brother. Or Bond Brother. The Tallest Purple and Red are examples of that."

"So we're…" Dib's eyes widened.

"Connected. Yes," Zim grunted. "Forever."

"And that's why I've been seeing your memories?" Dib asked. "And knowing when you're nearby?"

"And vice versa with me," Zim said.

"Oh…" Dib blinked as he fell on his back and looked at the ceiling. "Zim…?"

"Yeah…"

"I have one more question."

"Go ahead and ask."

"This ship does have a self destruct button doesn't it?" Dib asked.

"Yes but Gir fooled around with the system so it would give out whipped cream topping instead," Zim sighed.

"Whip cream nachos rule!" Gir chirped as he sat by a tube covered in whipped cream.

"Oh great…" Dib groaned. "This is the suckiest day of my life!"

"This is not exactly in the top ten of pleasant memories for me either, Dib!" Zim snapped. "The only comfort I can take in this revolting development is that you were born in a correct Irken way and at least have the proper skills befitting a warrior of my people!"

"Oh like this is such an honor for me?" Dib yelled. "The only good thing about this is that you have half a brain which is more than what I can say for most of the people on Earth and are just as big a loser as I am!"

"That's two things, idiot!"

"Well you said two things dummy!"

"Oh right," Zim blinked. "I did."

"Yeah you did! And why the hell did you save my life anyway?" Dib asked. "In fact why did you just blow your cover like that?"

"I don't know! Normally I enjoy seeing you in pain but at that moment…The way they were treating you just because you were born different seemed…Wrong," Zim frowned.

"Oh…" Dib blinked. "Well I guess I should thank you. For the thought anyway."

"To tell the truth…I couldn't leave a worthy adversary such as you to get torn to pieces by those ungrateful slug worms," Zim shrugged. "I mean you fight for them and what thanks do you get? Tossed aside! Ha! Ungrateful!"

"Yeah well…For what it's worth I think your people really didn't appreciate you either," Dib admitted.

"Really?" Zim blinked.

"Well yeah. You're a great invader. I mean you're good at blowing stuff up and thinking up schemes," Dib said. "Oh crap. Are we complementing each other?"

"Ugh. We are. Bleach!" Zim stuck out his tongue.

"It must be the lack of oxygen in here…" Dib groaned.

"Yes that is it," Zim agreed. "The lack of air is affecting our brains."

"Making us say stuff we shouldn't," Dib agreed.

"There's plenty of oxygen in here," Gir said.

"NO, THERE ISN'T GIR!" Both Dib and Zim shouted at each other.

Suddenly a huge blinding light shone on their ship. "What's that?" Dib yelled. A huge black ship loomed over the Voot Cruiser.

"It looks like a Borgia ship…" Zim gulped as they jumped up. "They followed us! They've got us in a tractor beam! We can't get out!"

"Okay this is it," Dib gulped as the ship swallowed their smaller ship into it's cargo hold. "We're gonna die…"

"I'm afraid so," Zim grabbed a blaster. "They're boarding us."

"Well…I'm not gonna die without a fight!" Dib shouted making fists.

"Neither will I!" Zim agreed. "We will die like Invaders!"

CLANK! CLANK!

"Here it comes…" Dib gulped as they were being boarded.

"Zim will not be taken alive! AAAHHHHH!" Zim attacked with Dib as the hatch opened.

BAM! BAM!

"OW! That hurts!" Zim whined has he rubbed his face.

"Oh that was not good," Dib moaned.

"Can't you two idiots do anything without me?" Gaz sighed, looking very bored.

"Gaz? Is that you?" Dib was stunned.

"What the splotch are you doing here?" Zim was stunned.

"Saving your stupid hides. What else?" Gaz rolled her eyes. "Besides I finished my game. Stupid game. Even the ending was lame. I can't believe I wasted two weeks on it."

"Gaz? Gaz! You came for me!" Dib grabbed her in a hug and started to cry. "You do care about me!"

"Get off me!" Gaz shoved him off. "Idiot."

"You came! You came!" Dib squealed with glee.

"Why didn't you help us back on Earth?" Zim snapped.

"Because I knew if I did I'd be killed too like you two morons!" Gaz yelled. "So when no one was looking I grabbed a ship and followed your trail. Wasn't hard."

"How did you steal a Borgia ship?" Zim asked.

"I told you. It wasn't hard," Gaz said. "They have a bunch of 'em parked in a secret hangar underneath Dad's lab. And someone left the keys in the ignition."

"Oh right. Borgia do tend to do that," Zim nodded.

"It doesn't matter! You came for me! You do love me! You do love me!" Dib cried as he grabbed her feet.

Gaz twitched and almost kicked Dib off. "Give him a break. He's having a hard day," Zim told her.

"More like the Suckiest Day Ever!" Dib sniffed as he stood up. "So you don't hate me for being a clone?"

"Well I kind of already knew about it," Gaz admitted. "I remember Dad bringing you into my crib and telling me that you were older. Oh and one other incident…"

FLASHBACK…

Some years ago Dib is running past Gaz and Membrane on the couch. "THE GHOST BEES ARE BACK! THE GHOST BEES ARE BACK! I GOTTA BUST THE GHOST BEES!"

"Oh great…He's at it again," Gaz grumbled.

"Gaz…Honey…" Membrane sighed. "Do me a favor. The next time I make a clone of myself, make sure I keep it the full nine months in the decanting tank instead of the seven and a half I did with Dib."

CLOMP! CLOMP! CLUNK!

"I think I took him out of the lab a little too soon," Membrane sighed.

"No? Ya think?" Gaz asked sarcastically.

"AAGGGHH! TAKE THAT YOU BUZZING BEES FROM BEYOND! AH HA!" Dib could be heard thrashing around upstairs in his room.

"Also tell me not to use any growth serum containing ultra diatlatoholithide plus," Membrane sighed. "Just got the final results back from the lab. Apparently it does cause some mental instability."

"Gotcha," Gaz said.

FLASHBACK ENDS!

"And you never mentioned this to me why?" Dib yelled.

"I dunno. The subject just never came up," Gaz shrugged.

"You have to admit that's not the easiest thing to work into a conversation," Zim shrugged.

Gaz added something, "I also checked your birth certificate Dad made up. It says you're really ten and a quarter instead of eleven. Dad moved you up a grade because you were smart and stuff. And something about you maturing faster than he thought in a tank when he used that diala…whatever it was. Wasn't paying attention."

"Wait a minute…Gaz you're ten and a half," Dib blinked. "So if I'm ten and a quarter that means…?"

"Right," Gaz smirked. "I'm the older sister."

"Okay…" Dib blinked then stared into space. "And that completes the 'Everything I Knew Was Wrong Theme' for the day."

"And the reason you never told Dib is why?" Zim raised an antennae.

"No girl likes to admit her real age," Gaz snorted.

"Seriously?" Zim asked.

"Okay I just never wanted to be in the same class as Dib," Gaz admitted. "It was bad enough being in the same skool as Dib!"

"Wait how did you follow us?" Zim asked.

"Dib has a tracking chip implanted into his body," Gaz said. "They put them in all kids at school so we wouldn't get lost or something. I took mine out a long time ago and put it in a stuffed rabbit."

"Oh right I remember that," Zim nodded.

"We gotta take it out so they can't track us any more," Gaz took out a painful looking device. "Fortunately the Borgia are too busy with the Irken Invasion to go looking for us but just to be safe…"

"Oh…Okay," Dib rolled up his sleeve and braced for the pain.

"Guess again Dib," Gaz gave him a look.

"Uh other arm?" Dib asked.

"Nope."

"My foot?"

"Getting warmer," Gaz rolled her eyes.

"My head?" Dib gulped.

"Way cold," Gaz let out an annoyed breath.

"You mean…?" Dib gulped.

"Uh huh," Gaz handed Zim the device. "Here, you do it."

"I'm not taking it out!" Zim yelled.

"Well I'm not gonna do it," Gaz said. "And I wouldn't trust Gir to do it."

Gir was happily banging his head on the wall. "It's gotta be you," Gaz said. "Besides you get to cause my brother embarrassing pain."

"But I have to look at his stinky butt to do it!" Zim yelled. "The sight of his ugly behind will blind Zim!"

"This is the Suckiest Day Ever!" Dib yelled.

"Just drop your pants and you alien up and do it!" Gaz ordered.

"At least give me a blindfold!" Zim begged.

"Look we'll just do this really quickly," Dib unbuckled his pants and prepared to pull them down.

"This is some kind of torture!" Zim yelled. "I will sue!"

"I'm the one who's getting zapped in the butt and you're complaining about it?" Dib yelled. "We'll do it on three…One…Two…"

"I'm going to be sick…" Zim prepared to use the device.

"THREE!" Dib pulled down his pants and braced himself. Gaz turned away just before Zim used the device. "YEWOWWWWW! OH MOMMA THAT'S PAINFUL!"

"YEOWWW! THAT HURTS!" Zim screamed as he hopped around rubbing his behind as well. "OH THE AGONY! THAT WAS NOT FUN AT ALL! NOT FUN!"

"Tough Zim! You can't hurt me anymore now that we're bonded!" Dib taunted. "OWWWW! My pain is now your pain! HA! OW!"

"CURSE YOU DIB! AND CURSE THE BONDING! OWWWW!" Zim shook his fist. "Oh wait…The pain is gone now."

"You're what?" Gaz did a double take. "Bonded as in…Uh…"

"It's not a mating thing!" Zim snapped. "We're just bonded as brothers chemically and mentally for eternity."

Gaz blinked and turned to Dib. "Did I mention I'm having the Suckiest Day Ever?" Dab asked her in a high pitched voice as he pulled his pants back up.

"No kidding," Gaz blinked. "Look do you want to stop the Irken invasion of Earth and get rid of the Borgias or not?"

"Sure why not?" Dib sighed.

"It's not like we have anything better to do," Zim agreed as they followed Gaz into her ship.