Summary: Just divorced Chuck thinks everything is said between him and Blair. But why does she show up at his doorstep at night? Future fic.

AN: Thanks to everyone for the wonderful reviews! I hope you enjoy this chapter as well!

Special thanks to my amazing beta Holly and to Sandra for always kicking my ass whenever I need it!

Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl or its characters.

Way Back Into Love

Chapter 13: Absolution

"What kind of investigator are you? Don't call me back until you can actually deliver some news!" Angrily Chuck slammed the receiver onto the phone.

"So, nothing new I assume?" Serena asked, sitting across the room on the couch, her cell phone basically glued to her ear as she tried to get a hold of her best friend.

Chuck shut shook his head devastated. It had been almost a week since the big story about Blair's illness had made it into the tabloid news all over the country. And since then no one had received a sign of life from her. For the last days Chuck's office had turned into the stronghold in the search of Blair Waldorf, who clearly didn't wanna be found. She hadn't used her credit cards in days. They'd trudged every hospital and hotel in Manhattan in order to find her, but either she had left the city or she was using a fake identity. And none of her usual Audrey Hepburn or Grace Kelly name references had been used either.

When he spotted Eleanor Waldorf-Rose stomping into his office he knew he was in for a treat.

"Eleanor," he greeted her standing up behind his desk, always the gentleman. "You look lovely."

"Spare me that dishonest nonsense," she replied. "Rather tell me why I had to learn from the yellow press that my daughter is seriously ill."

Chuck was at loss for words. He'd assumed that Blair, even with all of her secretiveness had at least told her parents about what was going on.

"Blair didn't want anyone to know," Serena barged in.

"And yet, the two of you did. How comes she didn't tell her own mother, but her no-good ex-husband is still messing with her life?"

Not appreciating his former mother in law's aggressive attitude at all, Chuck still remained calm somehow, "It's a long story. Why don't we sit down?"

Serena came to his side a second later. "Chuck is right. Overreacting won't help us get anywhere."

With a dramatic sigh, Eleanor sat down on the couch, gesturing to the bar, "I assume you still know my poison, Charles."

She patted on the free space next to her, telling Serena to sit down. "I need to know how she is. I can't seem to get a hold of her. Is my girl alright?"

"Right now we don't know either," the blonde admitted ruefully. "She disappeared right after her diagnosis made it to the front page."

Eleanor's eyes went wide, "What do you mean she disappeared? She surely must have told you somewhere she can be found. You're her best friend."

Chuck walked over to the two women handing Eleanor her drink. "I already have my best people looking for her. But you're daughter refuses to be found."

"Of course she doesn't want to be found by you." Emptying the glass in one gulp the older women fixated her daughters former husband nasty. "After everything you did to her..."

Not even bothering to defend himself Chuck just sat down in a chair. On some level Eleanor was right. If Blair hadn't seen him with Valerie the other day then maybe she'd allowed him to be with her during the treatment and maybe he could've stopped her from running away. Or maybe if their marriage had been happier she would not have gotten cancer in the first place. He had read somewhere that people with a lot of calamity in their life had an increased risk of getting cancer. He sighed. Could've, Would've, Should've...

As he sat there, lost in his thoughts and blaming himself he just tuned out Serena told Eleanor all that had happened up and till now.

He was worried about Blair to thepit of his stomach. She was probably sitting somewhere by herself, drowning in self pity. What if she did something stupid? He'd go crazy if his phone did ring soon, finally bringing good news about Blair.

Overlooking the city from the roof garden of the Waldorf Astoria was the only thing Blair could do to make herself feel slightly better. Imagining how many people lived in this city she was sure that some of them had to feel just as lousy as she did right now. Maybe even worse. In a way, that made her feel less alone.

She sat down on the cold step. Her head resting against the steel railing. Though the nausea had subsided for now, the fatigue still hit her unexpected most of the time. As the weakness she felt did too. She already knew that the short and simple walk from up here back to the elevator and her room would have her completely wet through with perspiration.

The one thing she was positive about was that no one would recognize her, although on her rare occasional trips to the hotel bar she had spotted a lot of people reading newspapers that contained her photo. She was pretty positive not even her own mother would recognize her like this. She wore a dirty ash blonde wig, combined with a scarf wrapped around it – Grace Kelly style - and big sunglasses. Most people probably thought she was some kind of D-list celebrity recovering from cosmetic surgery.

During the last two days the raw feeling on her shaved head had passed as well. The remaining hair stubble had said goodbye along with her eyebrows and lashes.

She didn't even know why she had chosen this hotel to hide out. All it contained were even more bad memories about her marriage. Or maybe that was why. Chuck would never look for her here. Not even she would've thought two weeks ago that she would ever set a foot in here again. Not after what had happened in this very roof garden.

The memory of a strong arm wrapping around her waist, preventing her to make a step into the fatal wrong direction caught up with her.

"What the hell are you doing? Are you trying to kill yourself?"

"It was an accident. Ugh, just let go off me. I have nothing left to say to you."

"God, how much did you have to drink, Blair?"

"Just go back to your whore!"

"Blair-"

"Bringing her to my mother's retirement party? Really?"

"What did you expect to happen when you blackmailed me into coming here?"

"Clearly not being humiliated in front of the entire New Yorker society!"

"Honor to whom honor is due."

"I feel like I don't even know you anymore."

"Maybe you don't. Maybe if you hadn't been so busy making everyone believe that we lived the perfect marriage we'd still actually have it."

"You wished it upon me didn't you?"

"Being sober I kind of have a hard time following your mental leaps. What in the world are you taking about?"

"Me having nightmare's for the past few weeks. Ever since..."

"The abortion."

"You should've just let me fall. Then we'd ended this drama for good."

"... I should take you home ..."

That had been the first and only time Blair had allowed herself to cry over the kid she couldn't have. Didn't want to have. As much as she knew she had made the right decision, there were times when she couldn't help but wonder "What if"?

Quickly pushing the thought out of her head, she stood up and decided to go back to her hotel room. It was time for her regular afternoon nap. She'd become a big fan of an afternoon nap. Also mid-morning and noon nap for that matter.

Sighing Chuck threw his coat over the side board as he entered his apartment. It was way past midnight and the day had felt even longer then it usual did. Eleanor had been trying to pick a fight with him, constantly blaming him subtly for her daughter's disappearance. And while, trying to keep her off her back Serena had clung to his coat tail, completely depending on him in the search for Blair.

Between all those issues he had been so tense he hardly found the time to worry about Blair himself. But he knew, now that his body coming to a rest the all his thoughts and pains would hit the surface, keeping him from sleeping. Just like it had for the past week.

He didn't even bother switching the lights on as he made it to his bedroom, letting only the lights of the city glisten through the windows blaze his trail. It kind of had a soothing effect on him after the sensory overload he'd experienced today.

He stopped in front of his dresser loosening his tie before sitting down on the bed, burying his face in his hands.

"It's late. Long day at the office?"

The surprise of hearing Blair's voice next to him on the bed had Chuck literally jumping.

Still panting from the shock he looked at her small curled up figure lying on her – former - side of the bed. She didn't even look at him. Just lay there above the covers – fully dressed, a wig with a black butch haircut on – gazing at the window in the ceiling of the bedroom.

"Are you trying to give me a heart attack?" was his first rather harsh reaction to seeing his ex-wife, who he'd been looking for the past eight days, on his bed.

"Sorry," was her monotone response, as she lay on her side, she still not looking at him. "The paparazzi had discovered me. And coming here... just felt like the only safe option left."

"Have you any idea how worried as I wasabout you? We all were! Just taking off like some rebel teenager!" Despite the relief of knowing she was safe, he felt anger rising within him. "And now you just show up here?"

Weakly she sat up on the bed, her back facing him, "I don't wanna be a burden to you. I'll go to my place."

He had wrapped her in a tight hug before she could do as much as get up from the bed, "You must be delusional if you think I'll ever let you out of my sight again!"

Chuck felt her struggling with tears as she hid her face in the crock of his neck. Soothing he drew circles on her back with his hand. Holding her in his arms, knowing she was safe, he felt like a huge load had been lifted off his back. When they parted again he took her face in his hands studying her intensely, catching her eyes for the first time. She tried to draw her head away, seeming uncomfortable but he held her in place. She looked sick. He hated to acknowledge it, but she really did. Terribly pale and dark rings around her eyes, which seemed to have lost their usual sparkle. The loss of eyebrows and lashes did its bit.

"Are you okay?" he asked seriously. "How are you feeling?"

"Exhausted," she admitted, looking down, not bringing up the courage to catch his eyes. "Listen... I didn't mean to worry you, I just-"

"It's okay. I understand," Chuck interrupted her. "How about we talk in the morning? It's been a long day for both of us."

Thankfully. she nodded. She laid down again, her eyes almost immediately closing as her head hit the cushions. Chuck got down on his side of the bed, laying on his back. As he looked up at the ceiling he thanked God – or whatever/whoever was up there - that she was back. And that she was safe.

"Chuck?" she called, just before he was drifting off to sleep.

"Yes."

"Could you please hold me?"

Without another word he shifted closer, wrapping his arm tightly around her waist.

Awaking in the middle of the night Blair felt horror rising within her as, the familiar feeling of nausea came up within her. As quickly as she could, she freed herself out of the tight embrace she and Chuck had fallen asleep in. Almost running towards the bathroom she felt incredibly dizzy and sick, afraid she wouldn't even make it without throwing up on the ten thousand dollar Perser rug.

Barley making it to the toilet bowl she fell to her knees and emptying her stomach of her nonexistent dinner. Resting her forehead on her arms which were lying on the toilet seat, she suddenly felt a hand on her shoulder.

He sat down on the cold tile floor next to her, tenderly caressing her back as she retched till she was completely exhausted. Silently he handed her a wet wash cloth after she was finished – for the time being at least – puking.

"Thank you," she said in a hoarse voice, wiping first her forehead, then her mouth.

"Should I help you back to bed?" Chuck asked.

"Don't bother. The whole thing will repeat in about ten minutes anyway...", she caught his gaze. "Oh, don't give me that look Bass! I don't plan on passing away on this ugly bathroom rug."

"Can I get you anything?" he asked helplessly.

"Just stay here with me," she pleaded, resting her head in his lap. Enjoying how familiar and normal it felt to be so close to him.

"Where were you those past days?"

"The Waldorf-Astoria," she answered, closing her eyes as he started to massage the nape of her neck. "Wandering around the roof top garden most of the day."

"Oh."

"Well, I figured that you wouldn't expect me to bethere," she explained her decision.

"I wouldn't have," he admitted. "I didn't."

"That's what I intended," she stopped for a second, weighing her next words. "After absolutely everyone found outabout the most private issues of my life I just needed some time to be by myself. But I guess I can't hide out forever."

"No probably not," he responded. "Especially now that Eleanor's in town."

Blair felt like her heart had just skipped a few beats, her eyes shot open and she looked up at Chuck.

"She arrived just yesterday," he explained.

"What- How—Is she-?" Blair couldn't seem to form the right words. A million thoughts rushed through her head. She felt overwhelmed. Sure she had made the local news. Maybe even national. She'd been probably naive to hope that just because her mother lived in Paris she wouldn't find out.

"She's really worried. I can tell by the way she seems to be even madder than usual at me. She hasn't acted that passive aggressive towards me, ever since her retirement party-", he stopped middle sentences clearly regretting mentioning this event.

"Well, at leastthat night she had a reason for the way she acted," Blair tried not sounding to bitter, which she only managed to a certain level.

Just the slightest thought about Chuck and his mistress on that evening was enough to send a new wave of sickness up her throat. She rushed up from her position in Chuck's lap, leaning over the porcelain bowl just in time.

Hoping that she was finished for now, she leaned back against Chuck. This time she rested herself against his chest by settling between his legs. Her head lying on his shoulder she didn't have to face him for what she wanted to talk about next.

"What were you doing with her that day?" She tried to keep her voice as firm as possible as the words left her mouth. She knew that he'd realize she wasn't talking about the party at the Waldorf-Astoria, but about a more recent incident.

"She called me the day before and - apparently she's got connections in the hospital - told me that she knew all about you being sick. She threatened to release everything to the media if I didn't pay her off properly."

"Well my face is all over the yellow press. Were you penny-pinching, Bass?"

"I made sure she got what she deserved for the show she pulled in the coffee house the other day."

"Well, good job," she said. "Apparently you pissed her off even more."

"I know it's all my fault," he sighed. "I was the one who brought her into our life in the first place."

Blair could hear the deep remorse in his voice. And as much she felt the urge to make him feel better, she couldn't. Just as much as she could maybe forgive him for cheating but never forget it.

"Why did you?" Blair asked quietly. "Bring her into our life's I mean. Bring anyone between us really."

She was opening a jar of worms, she knew it. They'd never openly talked about their issues. They'd fought about them – a lot - but they had never really reflected how they got to the point where they were now. But somehow sitting on the cold bathroom floor with puke breath just seemed like the right moment.

"I know it's sounds idiotic," he struggled finding the right words, "but I hoped that I would manage to shock you enough one day so you would snap out of your perfect wife routine. That you would realize how much I really needed you."

"The only thing it did to me was hurt beyond anything," she closed her eyes, as if it could suppress the pain she felt thinking back and to suppress another round of nausea.

"Don't bother telling me that hurting me wasn't your intention," she'd continued without letting him answer. "Hurting the others emotions was our kind of foreplay..."

"... and public humiliation could substitute a quickie," he added dryly.

They sat there for a little while in silence. While he probably thought about all the horrible things they'd done to each other, she felt too exhausted to do anything but stare at the wall.

"What was I thinking when I decorated this room?" she asked into the silence. "Those tiles are hideous."

Chuck couldn't help but laugh at the sudden statement. "That what I always told you."

"That's right. Now I remember. I wanted to piss you off." A small smile appeared on her lips. "Why was I mad at you that day again?"

"I forgot our third anniversary," he explained.

She shook her head. "No that wasn't it."

"Yes dear, it was," he answered his smirk growing even wider.

"Chuck? Is that you?"

"Yeah, I'm home."

"Why are you that late?"

"..."

"Would you mind answering me?"

"..."

"Chuck!"

"What?"

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I just had a terrible hard day at the office and the last thing I need is you breathing down my neck the minute I come home, just because you're bored sitting at home all day long."

"Well, happy anniversary to you, too, honey!"

"The way you slammed our bedroom door I thought you'd never speak to me again...," Chuck told her amused. "When I finally brought up the courage to follow you, you were pretending to be asleep already. Not really convincing though, since you were sobbing heartbreakingly..."

"Listen... I'm sorry."

"..."

"Are you okay?"

"Don't bother!"

"I'm really sorry. I know I've been all about work lately."

"I just felt so lonely, waiting for you all day in this damn apartment. And I was really

looking forward to tonight. I had this whole seduction scene worked out so perfectly..."

"You can still tell me what you had in mind..."

"Ugh! Chuck! ... Wait, what are you doing?"

"..."

"Oh dear..."

"Exactly."

"Don't think sex …God... will change anything...oh my... I'm still mad at you for not …Gosh... remembering!"

"Then I better start working on my absolution..."

By the time Chuck had finished sharing his memory Blair had almost fallen asleep in his arms. She barley realized him picking her up and caring her to the bed. The last thing she remembered was Chuck pulling the covers over her and placing a kiss on her temple before she fell asleep in his arms.

To be continued

AN: So? What did you think? Liked it? Hated it? Loved it? Let me know!