A/N: Okay, people. This chapter was rough for me to write, because I hate song fics, and this began to feel like a song fic. It's a little heavy on the lyrics near the middle, but I just want you to really get the point I'm trying to communicate. For those of you Bella haters out there, I hope the last chapter and this one will bring you a little closer to what she's feeling. She isn't just a bitch for the sake of being a bitch, she does it because she doesn't know how else to be. She'll learn, trust me.
So anyway, please excuse my lyric madness in this chapter. The first song is Emery's "As Your Voice Fades" and the second one is the inspiration behind this story's title...From Autumn to Ashes' "Delusions of Grandeur." Go check em both out. I had to squeeze my Emery boys in here somewhere cuz I knew them in high school and I think they are some of the most quality fellas I've ever had the good fortune to know. I hope you will love them as much as I do:)
REMINDER! Please vote for "The Virginity Pact." I will feel like a loser if I don't win. It's sad, but true. Go to the ThreeSmutketeers profile to vote now, please please please!
Big hellos to my real-life pals reading this, and thank you to my beta, Adrena, for letting me work her so hard. I love ya;) And Evan-from-Humanities, if you don't register for this site, you can't vote OR get alerts to let you know when I update my stories, so you should just register:)
And now I will end this epic fucking author's note and get on with the goods!
EPOV
Tonight would be our first show playing with our new guitarist, Seth. I was pretty sure he'd rock the house; he may have been young, but he'd already been in a handful of local bands in the scene. He couldn't ride up with us because he was already living in Seattle and attending UW, so Emmett and Jasper were waiting for him outside to make sure he could get into the club all right. I waved my hand when I saw them come in through the side door and they walked over to grab the empty seats next to mine.
The bouncer opened the doors and started checking bags while the girl at the door took tickets and stamped hands. I could see all of this from the bar where we were drinking Coke and chilling. I kept my eyes on each person that came through, not really sure what (or who) I was expecting to see. My shoulders tensed when I saw her walk in and get her hand stamped. She looked behind her and I saw the girl I vaguely remembered meeting at the festival, the one who was with Jake. I shifted in my seat, trying to hide behind the wall that was between me and the front door in the hopes that Bella wouldn't see me and try to cut out my liver or something. There was no need, however, because she walked straight to the bar and looked right through me before she turned and bought two bottles of water. She shoved them into her big black canvas purse covered in patches and pins and said something to her friend, who then turned and gave me a considering look. I wondered if she'd told her who I was, but the friend didn't seem to react like Bella had, so I could only guess what she told her just now.
The first band went up onstage and went through their little pre-set chat with the crowd. I was only half-listening while I kept my eyes glued to the girl who had caused me so much grief the past couple months. I wondered what she was up to and why she was here, when she so obviously hated my guts. I stared at her, willing her to reveal her secrets to me. I noticed that she looked like she'd been crying, and I found myself wondering why. Her face looked slightly gray, as if she wasn't feeling well. Why would she come all the way to Seattle for a show if she was sick? I just did not understand this girl.
Jasper and Emmett noticed the direction I'd been staring for the past fifteen minutes, and Jasper nudged me. "Dude, who's that?" he asked with a waggle of his eyebrows. Seth stayed silent as his eyes scanned the crowd.
Emmett whooped. "Is our Eddie finally steppin' out?" he said loudly.
I glared in response. "Heck, no. You guys seriously don't know this girl. She's crazy," I told them.
I saw Seth's considering gaze cross to Bella and her friend Leah. I wondered what he was thinking about.
"Whatever, dude. You know she's hot. Back in the day, you'd have been all over that. You've lost your balls, man," Emmett said with a heavy-handed back pat that irritated me immensely. It was true, in a way; Bella's long brown hair, big brown eyes, fair skin, and freckles were all the physical qualities I used to find attractive in girls. To be honest, I found her incredibly attractive, but I just didn't like her personality; it was too confrontational. I tried to imagine how she would be if she could just chill out and stop being so scrappy all the time. Would her passion for tearing things apart translate into passion for other things, like building things up and making things better?
Did she ever unleash that intensity on guys?
I halted that thought right there. This chick was crazy, and I wasn't going to go there. No way.
The band was on their second song now, and the crowd was warming up. The dance pit had formed and people were kicking and floor punching with abandon. I could only see the stage in partial view, but I knew that these guys looked like a bunch of nu-core idiots in their tight black girl jeans and guyliner. I hated that whole I-wish-I-were-Danzig look that resulted from worshiping Davey Havok's watered-down version of his style. Their devilocks were a pathetic attempt to give their band more cred, but it wasn't working. Anyone with at least one functioning ear could tell that they sucked.
Whoa. I was being a jerk. I needed to pull back and find the happy place before I went out there and started throwing punches at the stupid kids who were actually misled into thinking this crap was good music. It wasn't their fault that the only taste they had was in their mouths.
The craptastic band finished up, and the next one came on. These guys were better, but I could tell they were a relatively new band because their sound wasn't quite as tight as it could have been. The front man kept swinging his mic around in huge, swinging arcs above his band mates' heads. His bassist was ducking while never missing a beat, and I had to admire that even though I thought the singer was kind of a douche to do something like that in the first place. It's not very bro-loving to knock your friends out with a mic.
I decided to stop paying attention to the other bands. I dug the set list out of my pocket and unfolded it onto the table. "Okay, guys. Here are the songs for tonight. Any suggestions?" I asked.
Emmett and Jasper looked over the list and nodded without saying anything. "Looks good," Jasper remarked.
Seth took the list as it was handed to him, and he finally spoke. "So, are we going screamo?" he asked with a smirk in my direction.
I scoffed. "Screamo's for Thursday and their wannabes; I'm just trying to fill in some blanks since you're new to us and we're about to come out with some fresh stuff. I don't intend to start wearing girl pants and makeup, thanks," I grumbled.
"Yeah, looks good...but are you sure you can handle covering that Emery song?" Emmett asked with a concerned look on his face, trying to bring our attention back to the list.
I shrugged and looked away. "It's a good song. Besides, I wanna give a shout out to our local dudes who have made it big, and Seth here loves that emo crap. Why are you suddenly worried about it now?" I asked, feeling a little irritated. I could handle this; I always did.
He looked uncomfortable, and so did Jasper. Seth stayed out of it. I looked between the both of them. "Man, maybe we should just stick to the FATA cover and leave it at that," he said.
"Stop being so worried. You're like a little girl. Just play the song, okay?" I snapped, beginning to feel really annoyed now.
They both backed off, signaling their retreat with their hands raised in surrender. Jasper's diplomatic side kicked in. "Okay, dude, it's cool. We'll play the song. We just wanna make sure you're cool with it."
I didn't say anything, and we decided to go to the back room to start getting things ready for our set. I wanted to apologize to the guys for being such a dick about the song, but I didn't really know what to say. I just wanted to play the song and not have everyone all over me like I couldn't handle it. If Eric Clapton could sing "Tears in Heaven" at his shows, I could sing a song I didn't even write, for crying out loud.
The band before us started their last song, so I started warming up my vocals while Jasper tuned his bass and Emmett did his hand exercises. Seth sat quietly in the corner strumming scales on his guitar. I wanted to start with some of our older songs, but they had more shouting and that always shredded my vocal cords, so I had to be careful. The newer songs had more rhythmic harmony lines between Jasper and me, but they were better so I would rather finish the set with them.
When it was time to go, we helped the band onstage carry off their equipment and they helped us carry ours up; it was just a little band-to-band courtesy that helped to foster goodwill in the scene.
BPOV
I spotted Edward and his band in my peripheral vision as I bought water at the bar, but I didn't bother to go over and say anything. Leah still didn't know how I knew him, so she found it strange that I wasn't more excited about seeing OCS lounging around. I completely blamed my foul mood on my encounter with my mother, and Leah bought it. She was so pissed off at Renee for being so cold-hearted, and I appreciated her loyalty.
I watched as Edward and Co disappeared in the back to warm up. Leah grabbed my hand and dragged me to the front of the stage. I stood there hollowly, allowing the ebb and flow of the music and the mosh to wash over me. I felt her body press against my back and I saw her arms come around me to rest against the edge of the stage and form a somewhat effective barricade between me and the mass of bodies hurling around the pit behind me; Leah was always playing the part of show angel for me. I turned and pecked her on the cheek in gratitude.
The band onstage finished their set and the intermission music piped through the speakers. I saw an older couple walk in through the front doors and pay the entrance fee. The woman looked to be in her late thirties, but she exuded a sense of youth and vivacity in her relaxed jeans and t-shirt. The man with her was a different story, however; he was holding himself stiffly and with a stern look of disapproval on his face. He wore nice slacks and an expensive-looking dress shirt, and I wondered what the hell he was doing at a hardcore show. They took a spot near the wall in the very back, and he kept a protective hand on the small of the woman's back. She looked really interested in everything around her, but the man just kept on scowling as his eyes searched the crowd.
I saw Edward and the rest of the band help the band onstage clear out before setting up. I was surprised by how much excitement began flowing through my veins as I anticipated their set; I was eager to ignore the pain and frustration from my encounter with my bitch ass of a mother this afternoon.
When OCS officially took the stage, everyone went crazy. Leah whooped and hollered and I made a few conservatively enthusiastic noises as well. Edward grabbed the microphone from the stand and his deep, smooth voice filled the room. "Hey there, everyone. Thanks for coming out tonight. I just wanna introduce our new guitarist real quick. You probably already know Seth from The Chain Gang and The Chronicles, but he agreed to play with us now. We're totally stoked, so thanks Seth."
The crowd cheered and Seth gave an adorable little wave. I recognized him not only as a musician, but as Leah's cousin. I wondered why she hadn't told me that he would be playing for OCS, but when I looked back at her over my shoulder, she just shrugged as if to say that it was as much a surprise to her as it was to me. I turned back and realized I was directly beneath Edward's mic stand. Awkward.
His gaze came down briefly to look me in the eye, and I was amazed to see the anger there. I knew I wasn't nice to him, but he seemed to be angry about more than just our run-ins during class today. Did he really suspect I would jump up onstage and reveal his secret to everyone here? What a presumptuous ass! I felt steamed just at the thought.
Oh wait, Bella. Weren't you the one who called his radio show to make thinly veiled threats about doing exactly that? Fucking duh. I began to feel the guilt and stupidity of my actions toward him with that realization. Maybe I should have been nicer to him.
I stared down at the stage as the music started playing. Seth's guitar began the song and Jasper's bass joined in before it cut off. Edward's grip on the mic tightened and he bent at the waist to emit a growl that shook my teeth. I saw the tattoos on his legs up close because I refused to look at him after that, afraid to see the anger still seething in his eyes.
The spastic drum beat started and the sound of chains and Chucks sounded in the pit behind me as people started floorpunching and windmilling around. The song was a short intro, so it was over quickly. I chanced a look up and instantly regretted it when I saw Edward whip his damp shirt off and run a hand through his hair. His chest was heaving with the effort to breathe as the music for the next song started up. He started pumping himself up, bouncing on the balls of his feet as his arms jackknifed, finding the beat. His face twisted as he started shouting the words to an old, familiar song.
I was unwillingly entranced by his movements and his facial expressions as he sang one of my favorite OCS songs. He was feral, passionate, primal. I felt my blood heat as his passion transferred to me and ran thickly through my veins. I watched the muscles in his back work as he bent and howled brokenly into the mic with power and grace. I was surprised at the sudden desire to reach out and run my hand along his chest when he straightened up; it was so strong and sweaty.
I reeled myself in and tried to remind myself that he wasn't simply the singer of my favorite band, but also a jackass that I wanted to pummel, not make out with.
However, my hormones had a different story to tell, and my eyes remained glued to him as he moved around the stage with fervor and energy, pumping the crowd up continuously. He'd get right onto the edge of the stage and hold out the mic so the fans could shout into it right along with him. He looked so exhilarated and in his element here. When Emmett started the double bass, I felt the dancers get crazy in the background. The breakdowns were my favorite part of their songs, so I didn't blame them.
EPOV
It was time for the Emery cover. I braced myself and started singing.
"Somebody please tell me
what am I supposed to do?
you've died and I'm here
thinking that I hear your voice,
but it's somebody else
it's always somebody else
why did you die?
don't leave me please
I beg you God tonight bring me peace
I'll never sleep without
the dreams of you alive here with me, alive here with me
the brightness left your eyes
as I held your face
don't tell me it's the right time
and your last words will sustain me
until my end...until I see you again..."
This song killed me to sing, but it was so cathartic; I felt like I could express my rage and grief over losing my mother through the outlet the words allowed me.
"Your words (your life) evade me (but a moment)
I'll wait to (I'll cling to) remember you (forever)
and what you have (your words) meant to me (on my blood)
could never be forgotten
the chains (why) of death (don't take)
have fallen (away), but my heart still bleeds
it longs for (why) the day (did you die)
when we will be as one, one, one..."
I saw her there, right in front of me. The way she watched me made me angry, because I felt like she was just watching and waiting for me to fuck up. I knew she wanted to reveal my secret double life to the crowd, and I just wanted her to go away. I'd just stripped my soul bare on this stage, and here she was with that sour fucking expression glued to her face as always. It just freaking grated me the wrong way, fueling the sickness in my stomach even more.
The first group of songs was done, and it was time for our From Autumn to Ashes cover. I admittedly wanted to do this song because it reminded me of how I felt whenever Bella was around. She made me so furious at times with her judgmental attitude and her fucking big mouth. I wanted nothing more than to put her in her place at this moment, and I knew what I was going to do right now, no matter how my conscience screamed at me. I didn't care if what I was about to do was wrong or hurtful; all I wanted was to give as good as I got.
The music started up and I channeled all the pent-up rage swell in my chest. Tonight, I would let it out.
I began the first verse, bending down directly in front of her. I caught her eyes to make sure she knew exactly what was going on.
"Pressing on about our business
Comfort is getting too expensive
Hot-shots for the pigeons with a death sentence
You're something like a pistol
That's been polished bright
But if it never leaves the holster
It can never save your life..."
I looked away from her and walked to the other side of the stage, screaming with my eyes shut. Emmett pounded out the beat and I felt the rush of the music around me. Seth sang backup for me as I stomped back to stand in front of her once more.
"I need a meaning I can get behind
To be alone is to be alive
A better message to subscribe to
To be alone is to be alive
Set sun I'm an hour older
Mile markers punctuate the shoulder
Harboring delusions of grandeur
You're something like a canvas that's been stretched and primed
You can become something priceless
Or you can be a waste of time..."
I bent down face-to-face with her as I delivered the last line, looking her right in the eye. I watched her brown eyes widen in shock before the hurt and anger set in. Anger, I'd been expecting; hurt was another thing altogether. I instantly felt like a huge asshole, and I had to acknowledge the fact that I'd just humiliated her in front of all these people.
She was right, I was a fucking asshole. I was ashamed of myself. The song finished and I couldn't look at her, but I didn't need to worry, because she wasn't standing there when I turned back around. However, my eyes landed on the very last person I expected to see at one of my shows: my father.
What the hell was he doing here, and who was the woman standing beside him? She looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn't place her in this bizarre circumstance. We still had three songs to go, but I could already see the steam pouring from my father's ears and I knew I would be getting a lecture as soon as I stepped off the stage.
While we finished our set, I tried to ignore the sick feeling in my gut. I'd been an unforgivable asshole to Bella with my little stunt, and no matter how angry she made me, I knew I'd have to apologize to her. I wasn't looking forward to it, but I knew it had to be done. I made up my mind to find the infuriating girl after the set and humble myself at her feet if I had to.
We cleared out quickly and I ignored the guys as I made my way outside the front of the club. Jasper looked worried and Seth looked like he felt sick. I halfheartedly searched for Bella; I hoped to catch her before she drove home and spread her anger on the Northwest Hardcore website. I had to make amends before she decided to out me in revenge.
Luck was with me (questionably) as I found Bella standing rigidly in front of the club, her friend's arms wrapped around her as she cried. Fuck. I was such a fucking asshole; no matter what she'd done or said before now, it in no way excused my behavior tonight.
I heard footsteps behind me before I could reach her. A heavy hand landed on my shoulder and spun me around. I looked up into the furious eyes of my father and winced inwardly. My chin notched up and I stared at him without blinking as he laid into me. "Are you out of your mind, Edward? What kind of behavior is that? I've never seen someone do something so cruel in my life! I was obviously right about this band and your friends; they are a bad influence on you. Look at what you've become since you started hanging around with them!"
I cringed away from his hand and stared at my shoes now. "I know, Dad. It was really horrible," I mumbled into my chest. My stomach twisted at his last words and I looked back up at him defiantly. "But you're wrong about my band. They had nothing to do with this; it was all my idea. If anyone's the bad influence here, it's me!" I declared.
Carlisle's face was puckered in anger and disappointment. "I'm extremely disappointed in you, Edward. What do you think your mother would say if she were still alive?"
I couldn't answer that. I couldn't say anything. All I could do was turn and walk away, my hands shoved deep into my pockets as I disappeared down the dark alley behind the club without really having a destination in mind.
A/N: The next chapter will pick up at the show, and things will get hairier and hairier for our peeps. I hope you enjoyed the fruits of my labor, because it's been a labor of love to get this update out in the midst of my hectic as fuck schedule!
Let me know how you feel about Bella now, because I really want you guys to connect with her more, you know?