A/N: Hello, hello, I'm back with the second chapter of my story. So this will be the whole flashback. I hope that it's not dissapointing ...
Oh and thanks for all the lovely reviews, they really encouraged me to write... =) And of course a big THANK YOU to Brittany, who beta'd this chapter. You did a great job! Thanks again =) =)
After seven intolerable hours, he finally reached the hospital. He couldn't think straight anymore. He just wanted to see her and convince himself that it wasn't as bad as Serena had sounded. She's just overreacting, he told himself.
As he entered the hospital, a question never left his mind. What had happened to Blair? He walked in to see Serena sitting on a chair next to Eleanor.
Their sad expressions worried him to the bones. The usual aura of happiness and glow that surrounded Serena was gone. The only thing left of her was a picture of misery. She was just sitting there with her head leaned against the wall behind her. Her eyes closed, while tears were running down her cheeks. Her mouth was slightly moving. She was praying to God, Chuck could tell, because it was the same thing he had done during the whole flight. When he looked at Eleanor once again, he saw her look of vacuity. She looked as if the world was standing still for her. It scared him.
"Serena," he called to catch her attention.
She immediately opened her eyes and her first glad look to see him, changed back into a sad look.
"Chuck…," her bottom lip was trembling, and new tears were forming in her eyes.
"Where is she," he asked without hesitation, making Eleanor finally notice him.
„Chuck, I'm sorry, but nobody is allowed to see her," she said quietly. It wasn't the answer he wanted.
„I don't care. Just tell me where she is, " he shouted, and didn't care that Eleanor was looking at him as if she had seen a ghost.
Serena hesitated.
"Spill it, Serena," he said with an impatient, angry tone. Her eyes wandered to a big door. Above it was written "No trespassing!" He followed her gaze and took a deep breath. Somewhere behind that door she was lying. He rushed towards the door. "But Chuck they won't let you in," Serena called after him.
"We'll see about that!" He said, pushing the door open and he heard some nurses gasp in shock.
He couldn't care less about them! He didn't care about anything anymore. He only cared about a certain brunette who was lying somewhere in this hospital, and he was going to find her. He was sure of that.
Chuck looked around and saw all these people behind these windows. He was surrounded with ill people. He hated hospitals. To him it always seemed like the last destination, but in this case he hoped that he was wrong. After what seemed like forever, he found her, and saw her through the window. She was lying there, with her eyes closed, with machines all around her. She looked thinner than normal, exhausted, helpless, so not her. His hand reached out for the doorknob…
"Sir, what are you doing here? You're not allowed to be in this sector of the hospital without permission." A voice from behind asked him.
Chuck turned around to see a doctor looking at him.
"I don't need permission to do anything," he spat back.
"In this case you do," the doctor answered in a strict tone.
"Do you know who I am," Chuck asked angrily, clenching his jaw.
"Do you know where you are," the doctor countered. "Nobody is allowed to enter her room," he added – his voice sounding final.
"I am," Chuck insisted. He wanted to enter her room, no matter what. "I need to tell her something." He wasn't intimidated by the doctor. As if he hadn't heard his dictation, he reached again out for the doorknob.
"But she won't hear you," the doctor explained, and was really patient with him. After this sentence Chuck turned back to face the doctor.
"What do you mean," he asked, narrowing his eyes.
"Listen, she isn't in the best shape, and every disturbance could worsen her condition. You need to go back out there, and wait like everyone else. She really needs the rest," the doctor told him.
"But...," Chuck started, but the doctor interrupted him.
"No buts, young man. If you want her to feel better, the best thing that you can do is go back. We will inform her parents if her condition changes. Until then, you have to be patient," he said with finality.
Chuck swallowed hard. She wasn't in good shape. God, it was torture to see her like that, and not be able to talk to her. If his presence would cause her condition to become worse, he would have to wait to tell her. He finally nodded, and turned around to walk towards the exit.
Chuck walked back to where Serena and Eleanor were sitting, and saw that only Serena was still there. He let himself slump on one of the chairs next to her.
"No luck," she asked him, taking a deep breath.
He just pursed his lips and shook his head. For a minute neither of them spoke.
"Where are Eleanor and the rest," he asked her only to break the silence. Silence meant having time to think, and having to think only lead to thinking of the worst possible outcomes.
"I don't know where Eleanor went. She feels miserable," Serena began slowly. "Harold will be here in two hours apparently, Nate is probably in the cafeteria – he said the waiting room is making him sick – and my mother went home to pick some stuff up for me because I am not going anywhere until she wakes up. I'm here for 11 hours now." Serena answered, her eyes locked on the floor.
Chuck just nodded while she was speaking. He took a deep breath before asking the question he'd been wanting to ask since the minute he had entered the hospital. "Serena, what exactly happened to Blair?" Although he needed to know it, he was afraid of the answer he might get.
With eyes brimmed with tears and her gaze still on the floor, Serena quietly answered, "she tried to kill herself, Chuck." She closed her eyes and her tears slowly ran down.
"What do you mean by that?" He knew exactly what she meant, but he didn't want to believe it. The Blair Waldorf he knew would never do that.
Serena finally looked up to Chuck; sadness all over her face. "She took sleeping pills," she answered, and wiped her tears away. "She always told me that she felt so exhausted, and tired, and that she couldn't sleep, but I didn't think that it was a big deal. She wasn't feeling well after you left, but I didn't know that it was that bad. Every time I asked her if she's okay, she answered with ‚yes,' with a big smile on her face. I should have known that she was lying – that it was one of her fake smiles. Blair always acts like that when she doesn't want to show weakness." Serena shook her head and laughed bitterly, when she remembered that her best friend hated it when something went wrong in her life, and pretended that everything is perfect.
"After it happened, Darota called me, and told me that Blair wasn't feeling well, and she thought that she had a relapse, so I went over there. She told me that she was afraid to check on her – you know how bitchy Blair can be sometimes," Serena said, managing to smile slightly. "I knocked on the bathroom door, but she didn't answer. That's when I realized that the door wasn't locked. Although that isn't typical for Blair, I was glad that I could enter." She stopped, and looked away again. Struggling to tell him the rest of it. "I saw her lying there and sleeping pills were all over the floor. I wanted to help but I couldn't! I just couldn't, it was too late! All I could do is call 911," Serena exclaimed, and Chuck could see that she felt guilty for what happened.
„It's not your fault…," he tried to comfort her.
"Maybe it is…how do you even know? I mean, you weren't here. You didn't see anything – how she felt, and how she acted - I'm not even sure if you know her at all!"
"Of course I know her, and yes, I know that I wasn't here for her, and I feel terrible for that, but I'm here now," Chuck tried to defend himself. He couldn't believe that she claimed that he doesn't know Blair. No one talked for a while.
"You know…," Serena started sadly, "after the party that gossip girl blew off, she said that you guys were over, for good. Why didn't you fight for her Chuck? I thought you loved her," she asked in a low voice.
Chuck couldn't say anything. He just swallowed hard. He didn't know why he couldn't tell Blair that he loved her. He was afraid. Yes, Chuck Bass was afraid. Afraid, that if he told her his feelings, that he wouldn't be the same Chuck Bass anymore.
Serena didn't wait for him to answer, because she knew that he wouldn't."The doctor asked me if she had problems this year. I think we all know the response to that question," she said, laughing sarcastically. "And have you noticed that she lost weight over this year? I didn't, and I also didn't know that she was feeling so horrible, or that she said I love you to you twice! Chuck! Twice, and you didn't say it back! What the hell, Chuck," Serena bit out angrily.
Chuck felt horrible after that statement. "I was angry, okay? She did something that I didn't expect from her, so I couldn't say it back," he answered as angrily as Serena had.
"You're no saint either!" She reminded him. "I didn't know it; she didn't tell me that she said it again. Jenny told me," Serena said sadly. "She must have felt so humiliated, that she hasn't told me at all."
"Are you trying to tell me that all of this is my fault," Chuck screamed at her, outraged.
"I'm not," she answered quickly. It wasn't the time to argue about whose fault it was. "I'm her best friend, you know? I should know when she feels bad. I should know how to help her! I failed! I suck as a best friend!" She started to cry aloud. She buried her face into her hands, as if she were trying to hide it from everybody, as if she felt ashamed for what happened to her best friend.
It was then when Chuck realized that she was only trying to get rid of her own guilt by shoving it towards him, but this feeling that it could, indeed, be his fault, didn't leave him. Chuck wasn't good at those types of situations. He didn't know what to say to her, so he just sat there, anger gone, silent, and laid an arm over her shoulder. "Sooner or later, she will wake up, and everything will be okay," Chuck told Serena – trying to play the optimist.
Serena just laughed bitterly. "I wished that were the only possible outcome," she said, but then continued in a low voice, "What if she di..?"
"No! That won't happen," Chuck shouted, immediately cutting her off. He didn't want to think about that possibility.
"I don't want it to happen either, but…"
"I said no." Chuck stood up from his chair, and faced her directly. "I won't let that happen. She wouldn't do that to us," he told her.
"Chuck…," Serena began again.
"STOP IT SERENA," he yelled at her. "Nothing will happen - you'll see. Everything is going to be okay." He didn't know who he was trying to convince more – himself or Serena.
"But I heard the doctor speaking with Eleanor, and he told her that the probability of her waking up is small," Serena sniffled, turning to look at Chuck.
"W-What," he asked hesitantly. The sentence Serena had spoken when they were on the phone suddenly crossed his mind.
"I'm afraid that we will lose her." So she meant what she had said.
"Excuse me," he said before walking away from her, and towards that big door. Suddenly he had this abandonment fear.
"Chuck where are you going? You know you can't enter that room," Serena called after him.
He knew that entering the room meant consequences, but he needed to see her. He reached her room, and saw her through that window again. He made a move to enter it, but then, without expecting it, she opened her eyes and met his gaze. It hit him by surprise. He knew that she would wake up! The doctors in this hospital were all idiots to think that she wouldn't. A weak smile appeared her lips, and he tried his best to smile back. It was a wonder, how he could even smile, while he looked at her in that state. A feeling of relief filled him, and he turned around to see if a doctor was near, when he heard a highly beep coming out of her room. Chuck turned back around to face her, and saw that the eyes, which were looking into his only one second ago, where closed again. What had just happened? She had been awake, he saw it.
Suddenly everything got so hectic, a bunch of people dressed in white rushed into her room, almost knocking him down. He saw one of them letting a roll top down the window quickly, so he couldn't see what was happening. A nurse was speaking to him, while shoving him back towards the exit. He saw the nurse's mouth moving, but didn't hear a thing. He walked back to Serena, pale and with a shocked expression.
When Serena saw him, she looked as shocked as him. "What Chuck? What happened," she asked him. He didnt answer, still confused. "Chuck! Tell me what's wrong," she asked him again, shaking him.
"I-I don't know," he answered, shaking his head, trying to shake off that high beep in his ears.
After some minutes Eleanor and Nate came back. Chuck didn't want to tell anybody what had happened. He forced himself to think positively, to have hope, but the only scenario that crossed his mind was a doctor, who did everything to bring her back to life, but it didn't help. Then they would step back from her, and look to the clock.
Unfortunately, exactly that happened. The doctor came out to bring them the bad tidings. She died. Chuck couldn't move. He couldn't hear the crying from Eleanor, who almost fell on the ground. He couldn't hear Serena crying as loud as Eleanor, and collapsing in Nates arms. He couldn't see, or hear anything – only his heart pumping like crazy, and the tiny brunette with her eyes closed.
Then the doctor gave them permission to see her if they wanted. Now, that she was gone. Now, that she was no longer among them. For what? Only to have her lifeless body haunting his mind? Everybody went to her, except him. He felt lost, sank down against a wall, and sat there for a while. But then he braced himself and walked to her room. He wanted to see that it wasn't true; that she wasn't gone, because his Blair had promised him something.
"I will stand by you through anything." That's what she'd said.
When he reached her room, he stopped at the doorway, and scrutinized her. He realized that she had lied. It was just a hollow promise that she had given him. The only thing he felt right then was anger. He was angry at her for leaving like this. He had the feeling that she wanted him to show that he wouldn't have time his whole life to admit his feeling towards her. When he entered the room, he walked to her bed, and sat next to her. He took hold of her cold hand with both of his. Absently he tried to find a pulse to see that she was just sleeping. There was nothing. His hands made circles around her tiny hand, and rubbed it slightly to warm it up. He watched her intensely. She looked so innocent. Her hairs were all over the pillow; her skin was pale only the rings under her eyes stood out. Her lips, which used to be ruby, had lost their colour…
"I love you!" He finally told her loudly. He thought the louder he spoke it, the bigger the chance that she might hear it. "Do you hear me Blair? I love you! I fucking love you! Now, just wake up," he yelled at her, hoping that after him telling her how he felt, she would wake up and say something like: ‚I knew it,' or even, ‚I hate you for letting me wait so long.' Just to tell him that this was all just a bad joke to scare him. But there was no reaction. "I want you to wake up immediately," he commanded with the same loudness, and struggled with tears which were burning in his eyes. "Come on, Blair," he said with a decreased voice. "Please," but again no response.
"Oh God." Was the only thing he could say as all of his hopes shattered. For once, Chuck Bass allowed himself to cry. He buried his face into his hands with her hand still in between. The tears stormed down his cheeks, and he swore to himself that it would be the first, and the last time that he would cry like that. But at that moment, it was okay to let all of it out. It was okay.
She left a hole inside his chest, by ripping his heart out and taking it with her. It made sense to him, because his heart belonged to her. She was the one who discovered it, so it was only fair to let her have it, because without her he didn't need it anymore. It was useless…worthless.
A/N: So that's it for this chapter and the flashback. I hope you guys liked it. I would love to hear your opinions about it, so don't hesitate to review =) =) =)