Disclaimer: I don't own iCarly. It belongs to its creators.
iJust Want You to Hear Me
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Preface
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Some may not believe this, but my mother is a very wise woman. Sure, she has her moments, here and there, where she is blinded by fear and paranoia and lets it control her, making her crazy, but she is wise. Her rash decisions might usually lack the intelligence needed to call her wise, but all my life, I could count on her to give me advice on certain things. I don't go to her for advice about girls though; I made that mistake when I was very young. She started freaking out, and crying, begging me not to grow up and leave her so soon. It broke her heart, and cracked mine.
You see, my mother has what some might call, "abandonment issues." I know it's not that, because her reactions, or overreactions, to things logically make sense. My dad divorced my mom when I was just five, and she never knew why, and he would never tell her. He would just look at her, and then look at me, and no matter how much she begged for him to stay, he just…didn't. She blamed herself, of course. But, tell me. If my father wanted to leave so desperately that he ignored my mother's pleas so much, she eventually gave up, how is it her fault he's gone? She wanted him to stay. I was pretty sure I wanted him to stay, and I was just a little kid. But, he left us, and now my mom always fears I'll do the same thing some day.
Every night I tell her that I'm not going anywhere, and I'm here to stay, through thick and thin, but she just responds in a quiet voice, "I know," tells me she loves me, gives me a kiss on the forehead, a small smile and she's off to bed. I always wonder if she's getting enough sleep, because every morning, since I met Carly and Sam and we began iCarly, she looks dead tired. When I ask her about it, she just casually responds saying it's stress, she hadn't had her coffee yet, or the lighting is off. I have to let it pass though. Whatever's bothering her, she wants to deal with herself, and if I could figure it out I would, but I can't. My best bet is that it has something to do with iCarly, but I don't know what.
I'll do something when I find out.
That's what she's always telling me to do, and it's one of her biggest lessons on wisdom. You know how there's this famous idiom saying, actions speak louder than words? Well, although over millions of people agree with that saying, my mom thinks it's exactly the opposite. She has this theory that people act when they don't feel strong enough to say something, or they simply can't. At first, I thought it was bogus, but now, it's the only thing that makes sense. Someone whose voice is damaged because of a serious cold wants to initially talk using their voice, but they typically can't, so they have to resort to actions to get their point across. I.E: Writing. My mother thinks the vocal chords are more expressive than the eyes, and are the windows to someone's soul, and with each passing day I'm finding it easier to believe. I mean, when someone's sad, their voice usually betrays them and they can't hide what they're feeling. There's usually a hitch somewhere in their vocal pattern, making their sound stifled. I know I'm being a total geek right now, but this is the only way I'll be able to understand it. When someone's lying, their voice is typically a pitch higher, and I don't know exactly why, but a good theory, one my mother produced has to do with the guilt we experience in childhood.
When we are children, our voice boxes have not fully developed and matured, so we are all left with higher voices than teenagers, and adults. When we're kids, we're filled with innocence, most of us at least; I can think of someone who wasn't, so it makes sense if our voices take us back to that moment of childhood innocence when our pitches were incredibly high when we attempt to lie, right? I mean, when we lie, we, mostly because of our conscience, feel a sense of guilt and begin to question our own innocence without anyone prompting us to question it ourselves. So, when we begin to question that innocence, we're unconsciously brought back to our childhood and our phonetics match up with then. That makes sense, right?
Of course, according to my mother there are those whose conscious is either non-existent, the sociopaths, and those whose conscious has been blocked by something, whether it be an unconscious memory causing pain so great, it shuts off all forms of guilt, or the person themselves, who know guilt, but don't want to acknowledge it. I didn't want to believe I knew someone who matched either of these descriptions, but I couldn't deny it. My friend/never-wavering crush's best friend, Sam Puckett.
I didn't know what it was, or why, but Sam always seemed hesitant to feel guilt. Sure, she feels it every once in awhile, like when she does something horribly wrong, but typically, the guilt is lacking. Is that why she is so capable of lying? Because she doesn't ever really feel any sense of remorse when she makes my life living pain, humiliates me, and hurts me more than physically, she has something blocking her guilt? I don't understand why or how someone could intentionally do something like that, but Sam Puckett can, and she always will. Even when Carly tells her it's wrong, and she knows she hurts me, she'll always be the same.
So, I just have to keep speaking up, and speaking out against it. I never stopped telling her to stop because I always hoped that she would get the picture and understand that everything she does hurts, but she doesn't get it. She never did. And she never will….
Because now, I can't speak out anymore, and I have no strength left to show her through my actions. So that famous idiom goes, "actions speak louder than words."
Funny.
I have nothing left to say, or do. How can she ever understand me now?