HOW TO GET YOUR BALLS BACK—OUTTAKE
STOP USING THE F WORD (EPOV)
A/N—This is an outtake that takes place about a month after the events of Chapter 17 of How to Get Your Balls Back. It's told from Edward's POV.
"Ed, come on. I could really use some help. There are so many decisions to make. Rosalie wants me to come up with names and marketing ideas for all of these gift package prototypes. They have to be in the stores in time for Christmas. I'm running out of time!"
Emmett continues to drone on about his sex toy enterprise problems as I pointedly ignore him and continue to play my favorite Xbox game.
We're alone on a Sunday afternoon at my family's home. Bella is out with my mom and sisters, shopping for the wedding which is just two months away; Carlisle and Jasper are hunting.
"I'm going to turn on the Dolphins game," I tell Emmett, finally tiring of playing by myself. "Put that stuff away," I add, tired of the living room looking like Sodom and Gomorrah's warehouse.
"Haven't you been listening to me? I can't. Rosalie is going to be pissed if I don't approve a name and packaging concept for each of these baskets by the time she gets back.
"A little help would be nice," he adds.
"I've told you a hundred times, I promised Charlie I would have nothing to do with your business. It was a condition of his giving Bella and I his blessing to be married. I am not going to jeopardize that."
"You're not involved. We have already made the major decisions. I just need some fresh ideas. You have no idea how hard it is to come up with original catchy names for all this stuff." He punctuates his words with a sweep of his arms across the table which holds baskets full of various adult novelty toys.
I sigh. Maybe I can just help him along in his thought process so we can put this aside and watch the game.
I walk over and look over a white basket full of various items. There are flavored condoms, flavored massage oil, something called a cock ring, and knee pads.
"This seems to be a strange combination of items," I say.
"Oh, that's all the stuff you need for good blow-jobs."
The knee pads are the only part of that package I can understand as being useful.
"Who buys this stuff?" I scoff. "None of this is necessary to experience good fellatio."
"Uh, yeah—that reminds me. I've been meaning to say something to you about that, Ed."
"About what?" I ask, seeing from his thoughts that he is remembering a discussion he had with my siblings a few weeks ago.
"The family voted me as the spokesperson to talk to you about your problem."
"What problem?" I ask suspiciously.
"It's the way you describe oral sex. I know you are uncomfortable with discussing sex in general, but you have to stop saying fellatio."
"I don't have a problem discussing sex; there is nothing wrong with using the correct terminology, you know. In fact, you and the others sitting around and talking about this…that is just ridiculous!"
"No, you using a word like 'fellatio' is what is ridiculous. No one uses that word. Even Carlisle doesn't use that word, and he is older than all of us. It also creeps Bella out."
"No, it doesn't."
"Well, it creeps me out. Why don't you just call it a blow job like a normal person?"
I shake my head. What a stupid slang term. It's not like there is blowing involved.
"Giving head? Going down? Cock sucking? Polishing the knob? Kissing the one-eye monster? Licking the popsicle? Lubing the salami…"
"Please stop. I am not saying any of those. Bella doesn't seem to mind my use of the proper term for oral sex. In fact, I'm sure that saying anything about polishing a knob or lubing the salami would creep Bella out. "
"A thousand bucks says it would excite Bella to hear you ask for a blow job or some head. I mean, it has to sound better than you saying, 'Bella, please give me fellatio,' or 'Bella, I'm feeling like having some good fellatio,' or even, 'Bella, while you're down there, can you perform fellatio?'"
He cackles at his own jokes. "You're disgusting," I say dismissively, and turn my attention back to the football game on the TV. "There is no way I am going to discuss, with you, my intimate relations with Bella."
I make sure I give no outward sign that his criticisms have bothered me, but truth be told, they have. It never occurred to me Bella would be bothered by my use of the term fellatio. I realize it may not be the current, hip way to refer to oral sex but it isn't as pathetic as Emmett tried to make it seem.
Is it?
"What? You're not going to help with these baskets?" Emmett practically whines.
"Just call it the ultimate pervert basket," I respond.
"That's not going to sell," he retorts, while completely missing the sarcasm in my remark.
"I've got it!" he exclaims with sudden inspiration, "The Blow-jobs for Dummies basket."
()&^%*((()^%%
I turn on the heated mattress as I hear Bella finishing up her nightly routine. She will be joining me in bed within minutes. I lay back, folding my hands underneath my head, staring at the ceiling. My thoughts wander over the events of the day; Emmett's words keep haunting me. Normally, I wouldn't let anything he has to say on the subject of sex bother me, but I really enjoy fellatio. I would hate to think that all this time I have been doing something that Bella may find…unsexy. If she is truly bothered by it, she may take fellatio away from me.
I look over as Bella enters the bedroom wearing nothing more than a t-shirt and a pair of tiny white panties.
She sighs heavily as she settles into my side. "Tired, love?" I ask as I rub her arm, soothingly.
"Shopping with Alice makes for a long day," she says stifling a small yawn.
I close my eyes and stroke Bella's hair as she rests her head on my chest. I presume she is getting ready to sleep when I suddenly feel her warm tongue dart out as she kisses my chest. I feel her left hand brush my abdominal muscles and then she caresses my hip.
"Hmm, that feels wonderful," I tell her as I kiss the top of her head.
Her hand moves directly against my member and I hiss as I harden. I swallow hard before speaking. "Bella, it's not nice to tease."
"It's not teasing if I plan to follow through," she answers with a smile in her voice.
"I thought you were tired."
She responds by shifting and moving downward, kissing the trail of hair down toward my naval with her tongue. After she plants a kiss directly on my naval she whispers, "I'm never too tired to taste your delicious cock."
Her words make me harden even more. She pushes my boxers down and immediately takes me into her mouth. Bella has performed fellatio on me 246 times, and each time has been as amazing as the last. As I begin to replay my favorite fellatio memories, something suddenly occurs to me. She has performed oral sex on me 246 times- and has never once said the word 'fellatio.' Maybe she doesn't like that word; maybe she thinks it is old-fashion and outdated.
I am brought from my musings as Bella releases me from her mouth. "Do you like that?" she asks huskily, as she licks the underside of my cock before taking it back in her mouth.
My first instinct is to tell her yes, that she gives the best fellatio, but Emmett's warning makes me change my mind. I keep my response simple and avoid any use of the "F" word.
"Yes, Bella, so much."
I move my hand down to her head and gently guide her movements. I take a deep breath and decide to test the waters.
"I love it when you…suck my cock," I whisper.
Bella immediately stops her movements, and I loosen my grip on her head. She pulls back and looks at me incredulously. I am afraid I have offended her by my crass language.
After what feels like an eternity, but in reality is only 9.7 seconds, Bella speaks. "You've never spoken like that before."
"I'm sorry," I respond automatically.
"For what? I have been waiting for you to say something like that for almost two years! "
Oh, thank God.
"Talk dirty, Edward. Please," she pleads just before she enthusiastically takes my cock back into her mouth and sucks so hard my eyes roll into the back of my head.
Once I gather control of my motor functions, the words just flow, almost with no conscious thought.
"Yes! Suck that cock baby..."
"Oh, you give the best head, Bella!"
Bella moans around my cock, encouraging me to continue.
"Uh, your mouth…it's so fucking hot...blow me, Bella!"
"That's it, Bella! Lick that popsicle!"
"Suck my salami…harder!"
I'm silently cursing myself for not speaking more freely during oral sex before when I suddenly hear Charlie's outrageous voice. "Edward, did you just ask my daughter to suck your salami?"
"What? Charlie? How did you…?
"Uh, Bella, stop!"
I am not sure what has me more stunned, Charlie's unexplained appearance, or Bella's refusal to stop giving me oral sex upon his sudden appearance in our bedroom.
After more urging from me, Bella finally gives an annoyed sigh and releases my member, then scoots up until she is sitting up in bed beside me.
"Hi, dad," she says so casually.
Charlie doesn't respond. He simply glares at me as he thinks of the various ways he can remove my genitalia from the rest of my body. He's wishing he had brought his gutting knife that he has as part of his fishing gear at home.
After 11 seconds of the most awkward silence ever, Bella looks at me and whispers, "Say something."
"Charlie, I know I told you that you are always welcomed in our home, but this is not exactly a good time."
No answer. Now he's thinking about his filleting knife.
"Uh, is something wrong? Is this some sort of emergency?" Now that I am recovering from the shock and think about it, I realize there must be some sort of an emergency. Only an emergency would have caused Charlie to drive three hours to Seattle in the middle of the night and appear in our bedroom.
"You could say that. I got a call from Emmett earlier. He was trying to get me to place a bet on the Seahawks game. He happened to mention that he was so relieved that he was finished with a big project for his business."
I'm going to rip Emmett into pieces, then I am going to then put him back together and rip him apart again. Then I will burn him.
Charlie continues in a deceptively calm voice. "He said you were helping him with ideas for his Blow-jobs for Dummies basket. But you know what? The most disturbing part of the conversation wasn't about that ridiculous basket. It wasn't even about you helping him with his business, again. No, the most disturbing part was when he mentioned he shared some advice with you, on how to treat Bella while she performs fellatio."
There are so many things that horrify me about what Charlie has just said. Surprisingly, the worst part is witnessing Charlie use the word 'fellatio.' It is creepy!
"Edward! Edward!"
I am startled from my musings by Bella's voice and her tugging at my arm. Whoa, my imagination really got away from me there. I frantically look around and listen for thoughts, just to confirm that Charlie is no where around.
"Bella?" I answer, unsure of how long she has been trying to get my attention. Her hair is wet from her shower and she is dressed in shorts and a tank top.
"Edward, if I didn't know better, I'd have thought you were having a nightmare," Bella says perplexed. "You were clearly distressed and mumbling; you didn't seem aware I was even here."
"Uh, no," I respond, running my hand through my hair while I exhale loudly. "I was just thinking about some things from my afternoon with Emmett. I'm sorry if I worried you."
Bella smiles reassuringly and climbs into bed. I immediately pull her close to me, silently vowing to never use the term fellatio or sucking the salami, again. Unfortunately, I will never get the imagined image of Charlie using those words out of my head.
I also vow to make sure our doors are locked before we go to bed to ensure that Charlie never catches us doing that.
"Edward?" she asks after a minute passes in silence.
"Yes, love?"
"Can you explain something to me? Why were you mumbling about my dad and fellatio in the same sentence?"
Oh hell.
E/N—You think Edward has been convinced not to use the word 'fellatio' ever again? I don't know. Old habits die hard. In case it wasn't clear, Edward was 'day-dreaming'. Bella did not give him the blow job, he did not talk dirty, and Charlie never showed up.
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and holiday season. Here's hoping you all got your own Blow-jobs for Dummies Basket. I'm sorry this is late. Holidays at Sis' house were….distracting. I will resume with the next regular chapter after the new year.
Thanks to all of you sweet readers and reviewers. And to Eviekinz (beta), lemonmartinis (pre-reader), and Sis (pre-reader when she is not full of attitude) who help so much with this story? You have my eternal gratitude already.
Remember, all things Twilight belong to SM (except Emmett's Blow-jobs for Dummies baskets).