I don't know how to face him, but the minute I was in the room, all my anxieties, vanished completely, all the hiding of emotions, gone, all I wanted is to be with him, to take him in my arms, and take care of him until he is better. He look so small and frail lying there, all white, even his face is white as ghost. When did that happen? And we thought it's just the flu, what am I gonna say to everybody? Will Shuichi being this way be pinned on me, too? Will they blame for him getting sick? Why does it always have to be me? Is it because am mean and arrogant? Can that make anyone sick?
"Brat." I whispered, kissing the top of his head. He stirred, "Y-Yuki." He called to me, weakly, my heart broke. Tears pouring down my face.
"I love you Shuichi, I love you so much, do you hear me, brat?" I said, clutching that small body in my arms. If he had his energy back he'd probably yelling in my ear, jumping all over, embracing me so hard, and kissing me all over, all at the same time. But all I got in return was a faint smile. He nodded weakly, "T-Thank you, Yuki." He said, weakly, and closed his eyes. I held him tighter. I want to feel him, I want to absorb him in my skin, I want him to be a part of me, the same he did with me, the way he took me in his system, the way he made me a part of himself.
Absolution…is this my absolution for the crime I did? Why not me? Why not take me? I had done everything I ever wanted even love someone with all of me, why not take me? I cried so hard, I never cried in a long time, the last time was when he was raped because of me, but, this time, a part of me was being ripped away from me, taken away from me. Why not cut out my eyes, severe my arm, cut my throat but please don't take Shuichi away from me.
I felt so weak, I can't breathe, my head is spinning…I must have passed out, the next thing I knew I saw Tohma and the rest of the guys looking at me with worried faces. I looked at them with confusion.
"How are you feeling, Eiri san?" Tohma asked, I looked around me, am in a hospital, but I was there because I took Shuichi there. What's going on?
"Shuichi?" I asked, when I found my voice, I tried to get up, but I felt pain in my head.
"Don't." Hiro said, pushing back on the bed, gently.
"Shuichi is sleeping, your bed is right next to him." Hiro said, they moved away so I can see my brat.
"Boy, talk about love, you guys really do things together, don't you?" K commented, with a smirk.
"I'm alright, I'm just exhausted, just needed sleep." I said, trying to get up again. This time it was K who tried to stop me.
"Hey, you're not the doctor, dude. So, lie down. You had a breakdown, you are both pushing yourselves too much, lie down so you will be able to take care of Shuichi." K said.
I looked at them, "I have a request to make if you guys won't mind," I said.
Tohma smiled, and the rest just looked at me. "I'm not used to sleeping alone, can you asked them if we can put the beds together, so I can hold Shuichi's hand?" I asked. They all let out a surprised gasp, yeah, I know, so Un-Yuki like.
Tohma nodded, "I think that can be arranged, gentlemen? Would you do the honors?" Tohma said, eyeing his crew. They heaved and push my bed next to Shuichi, there were doctors and nurses who tried to interfere, but a word from Tohma Seguchi they just nodded.
"Thank you." I said, simply, Tohma touched my forehead.
"Eiri, are you sure you didn't hit your head or something?" Tohma asked, with a smile. I shook my head, trying not to smile or else they might transfer me to the Psychiatric ward if I continue with this erratic behavior. Maybe I did hit my head, finally. About time, too. Before it's too late.
"Merry Christmas Yuki, enjoy it with Shuichi." Hiro said, and they all pat me on the shoulder before leaving me with my brat.
When everyone was gone, I reached out and touched Shuichi's cold hand, put it in my lips, tears pouring down my face once again. I closed my eyes, as I felt a sharp pain in my chest,
I never asked for anything from you, but this time I will. If I need to pay for the crimes I did, do it all to me, don't do it to the one I love, if there's anyone you need to punish, punish me. You've taken everything from me, I just need one, and no one else, I need Shuichi. I need him like my air, my sight, my voice, my words. He is everything to me and more, if you're killing me softly, you are doing a good job but, please before you take him, take me first.
I'm a monk but I never prayed in my entire life, but this time, I got the only sutra I needed, right here, next to me, next to my heart. My Shuichi.